Friday, April 30, 2004



Tonight at dinner, DH proposed a toast to me in honor of all the cleaning work I did. The kids always love a good toast. "Cheers, Dad!" Says DS2, wildly waving his sippy cup of milk around. God bless the Playtex company for inventing that valve'd wonder.

At the time, I was busy doing something in the kitchen, I'm not exactly sure what. Taking cornbread out of the oven? Probably.

Anyway, it made me smile but also kind of snort, as in, "ha!" I am feeling under-appreciated these days. A little taken-for-granted. Especially by the kids, but also just a tiny bit by DH, too.

A few days ago, I unintentionally rebuffed an advance with the question, "why do you always wait until it's so late?" That was interpreted as a "no". Since then, I've felt a bit of a distance between us, which is probably not there on his part but is definitely there on my part. He speaks to me of this and that, and called today to see how I was doing on my first post-procedure day, but there's just something lacking.

I don't expect him to read my mind but I haven't brought this up with him because I'm expecting I'll get over it. There's nothing really wrong, I'm just in a bad mental place right now, with the skin biopsy (and others pending) and the colonoscopy. The lack-of-health stuff definitely puts me off, but I should get over it.

I just think I deserve a little more effort than a four word question. I don't want a major seduction scene, but the functional equivalent of "you want some coffee?" just isn't working for me. Still, I know how to get what I want -- it's very simple and never needs to be discussed. The way to get a kiss? Give one... it's very simple.

But I don't feel like giving kisses or anything else these days, and so this sense of estrangement and vague resentment persists. I'm sure it will dissipate eventually. Right now I don't exactly feel as if I am worth the effort. Blech.

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