May day

April flew by.

May first, May Day, m'aidez...

A couple of things touched off that "I need help" feeling, today.  We had a hastily scheduled, overly long, and completely disorganized staff meeting to announce all the organizational changes that are in store for next year.  I'm skeptical but trying not to be negative, and my biggest concern is the re-institution of the "cool kids' club" atmosphere that used to reign when the incoming principal last worked on our campus.  At any rate, it would've been helpful if the information had been presented with some context.  Instead I have the impression that someone was hurling blobs of jello at me, expecting me to catch it and somehow assemble it into something coherent and attractive.  I mean, jello can be delicious, but it requires some effort to make it so.

Just now, though, I fell for a pop-up's message that my "codecs are out of date!"  I've been having trouble with certain websites hanging and I thought, oh, that must be it, and without another thought, I clicked on the install button.

Then I spent the next 45 minutes uninstalling the eight programs that were installed on my laptop, and disabling the AOL toolbar.

Then my Adobe Flash player actually crashed, so I uninstalled that, and I'm working up my nerve to re-install it.

I'm just glad that I was able to figure out how to scrub all that junk off the laptop relatively painlessly, once I used Task Manager to stop the processes.   Honestly, I'm afraid to move to Windows 8 because I think there are more layers between the user and the operating system, and it will be harder for me to fix a problem like this, which wasn't a virus or an attack, just a whole bunch of stuff piggybacking its way in because I clicked on the link to install "updated codecs."  Man, am I stupid.  But also, relieved.

 

J's photo

Had a great talk with my sister J yesterday, who reports that the bulbs I planted in Mom's backyard last summer came up and bloomed!  They're daffodils.  I had no idea, I thought they were irises. I'm not even a tiny bit sad I won't get to see them ever blooming, it's enough to know they are there.  The occasional photo will be OK -- my sister is using one as her facebook banner photo.  Early reports on the rose bushes is that they are not all dead.  I'm looking forward to seeing them.

19 more days of school, but my students checked out after the AIMS tests were complete, two weeks ago, now.  Can't have that, so I'm holding them strictly in check, or at least trying to.  I'm hoping that if I drill my rules into the 7th graders now, there's a slim chance they'll remember them next year when they get back.  Hope springs eternal.

break

Closing out day 2 of spring break here, and I couldn't even remember what last year's spring break was like, so I looked it up.   Of course, I was in the middle of yet-another-round of tests (PET/CT) and dealing with an ovarian cyst, and generally just feeling lousy.

So much better, this year!

The weekend was busy on Saturday, shopping with DD for the various big events she has coming up ("My first designer dress!"  She was thrilled, I'm wondering if I've been encouraging the wrong ideas.)  It looks better on her than it does on the model.    And the shoes!  Hers are much less practical than mine:

I think these are the ones.  She's taller than me when she wears them, now.  Mine are very colorfully striped flats from Dr. Scholl's.  I shouldn't be surprised that shoes can invoke nostalgia, and these flats do, on two fronts.

First, all of the colors remind me of these shoes I got for school when I was in first grade, that had green/orange/yellow on the front and white in back.  Yes, they sound hideous, I'm sure they were, but I loved those shoes, and my little stripey flats have that same colorful cheer.  Second, all throughout jr high and high school, I lived in those Dr. Scholl sandals, the wooden ones with the leather straps and metal buckles.  They were awesome.  I'm hoping these little flats work out similarly well.  They have a nicely constructed footbed that provides decent support and they look summery and will go with just about everything.

After all that shopping on Saturday, Sunday was a stay-at-home and vegetate kind of day.  I've been taking a nap every afternoon, and somehow those two hours off are not causing any problems for anyone.    Monday morning the dishwasher repairman came so DH took the two older kids to their dermatology appointment, where we're trying to undo some of the damage that their acne has caused; that took a better part of the morning, but I worked on my curriculum maps.  The two younger kids had a makeup piano lesson in the evening, and I was a good girl and actually finished those maps, which is something of a miracle.

Today was our busiest day so far, with an early morning orthodontist appointment so DD could get her retainer (she so loves having her braces off) and DS2 another check to see if he was ready to get his braces on (another 6 month reprieve), then out to breakfast, then to the DBG to see the butterflies, and if I could figure out how to get the photos off my phone in some fast and painless way, eventually I will be able to put up a photo or two from the garden.

Then home, helping DS1 with his speech & debate prep for the state tournament this weekend, then a bit of shopping with DS2, then a lovely cookout and eating outside because the weather has finally, finally warmed up and  it's just delightful.

Wednesday and Thursday have a similar amount of non-stressful events lined up, and DS1 and I leave very early on Friday morning for the tournament, and won't be back until the wee hours of Sunday morning.  At least we'll have Sunday to recover before school starts up again.

We've made our summer plans -- well, we have our plane tickets already, but we have to hammer out the details.  Working on those curriculum maps makes the rest of the year seem impossibly short: only 9 more weeks of school! How did that happen?  It will be over before we know it.

Such a cliche, but so true.  It's so nice not to be in the middle of medical testing and all the worries that come with it, and actually be able to relax.

we're all alright

My MRI came back clean, and there's no need for any follow-up testing until my next ultrasound, which I think will be in June or July, and we'll do the Thyrogen trial again in a year and see what's what.  Yes, my tumor marker is creeping up, and perhaps eventually we'll find something operable, but until then, there's no point in worrying or holding my life hostage to what could be.

Mom's tests all came back great, too -- no blockages, no new medications needed.  She had really low blood sugar and few other minor things going on which conceivably could combine to cause her loss of speech.  She needs to start taking iron and eat more protein, but other than that, she's doing great.

Last but most unexpectedly, I had a performance review in which I wrangled 4 extra points out of my principal.  That doesn't sound like much, but each additional point represents a significant victory on a different performance metric.  We're evaluated using a 21-metric rubric. My overall score still looks horrendous because of how they weight the scores, but I'll take it.

sweet

On this Valentine's Day, I was surprised by gifts from three different students, I'm relieved that my Mom is home, and I'm glad my MRI is over. 

We had a great family dinner (surf & turf -- belated birthday lobster for DS2, shrimp for the rest of us) and just enjoyed each other's company.  I remember so well the days I wondered if a day like this would ever happen -- I'd cook and no one would eat more than 2 bites.  Those days are long gone. 

DH brought home a huge heart-shaped box of chocolates and some flowers... so unnecessary, yeah, but so sweet, since they're my favorite flowers (alstromeria) and the kids will definitely help eat those chocolates. 

It really felt like a little holiday, here in the middle of this crazy week, and that's very sweet indeed.

stories we tell ourselves

Last post I laid out a scenario just to give myself something to measure reality against.  Now it's Tuesday more than a week later.  I'm having my MRI tomorrow, finally -- the original order never made it over to the imaging facility, so I had to call yesterday.  The scheduler was really great about getting me scheduled quickly, too: tomorrow afternoon, without and with contrast.  I don't know that I've done that before.

The interminable hold recording flaunts the facility's state-of-the-art equipment that is supposed to be both faster and more accurate. I hope it is less jump-out-of-your-skin startling, that would help.  We'll see. 

Another deviation from the expected: I have no follow-up appointment.  My endo will call me when she gets the results and let me know what she wants me to do from there.  I appreciate not having to spend another $50 co-pay just to get the results.

The problem with my little story is that the only person in it was me.  Yesterday I called my Mom at lunch time to tell her about my MRI appointment, and her speech was garbled and incoherent, like she was speaking a made-up language or talking backwards.  My sister was with her but it took some convincing to get her to the ER.  She's home now, but in the intervening 36 hours she's had a multitude of tests and my other sister had to deal with the mountain of snow the town plowed in front of Mom's driveway, as well as the skating rink that her front yard had become.  Fortunately Falmouth's weather has been warm during the day lately so some of Nemo's snow is melting off. 

Today we celebrated DS2's birthday, since tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, and he has soccer practice and piano lessons as well.  There's just too much going on and besides, DH and I will fast even though the kids are not yet obligated to.  Fast days aren't good for birthday parties, so we had a little Mardi Gras of our own.  It was a good dinner but a complex one, followed by his favorite brownies with vanilla glaze for his birthday "cake."

I feel sad but I'm wondering how much of that is actually just fatigue.  School's going OK, but I have to get back on top of my grading.  I miss my family and I worry about my Mom.  I'm nervous about the MRI itself and scared of the results.  I'm pretty sure when I had my recurrence my Tg was lower than it is now, but I'm not inspired to look it up.  I'll know by the end of next week anyway.

this is what's going to happen

Some day this week, I'll get a call saying that my insurance company has authorized the MRI.  I will call and schedule the MRI for later this week or early next week, and I'll make a follow-up appointment with my doctor for a week later.

I will get the MRI.  I will be cold and nervous and trying not to flinch too much when the loud noises start.  I will keep my eyes closed and focus on my breathing and relaxing my shoulders.  It will seem like it's taking forever and then it will be over.

A week later I'll see my doctor for the results. 

So that's about two weeks of uncertainty.  I can handle that.

OK

Well, at least the weirdness at work has settled. 

There's no way to go into any kind of detail without stepping on someone's privacy, so I won't. 

I can say that, prior to today, I felt unsure of how my administrators viewed me.  I had the distinctly unpleasant experience today of sitting in a meeting listening to someone outright lying about me.  It was unsettling and I remained unsettled until the end of the day when a smaller, second meeting clarified that no one believes those lies and I have nothing to worry about.

It felt like someone flipped a switch, and I went from not OK to OK in the time it takes to exhale. It's always good to know that your boss will stand up for you.