Thursday, March 25, 2004

The company I keep


I just unsubscribed, for probably the fifth time, from the newsgroup. No goodbye post, "I'm outta here!" or any other such nonsense... just unsubscribed.

I don't like myself at all when I'm in there.

For me, now, my most reliable indicator of whether or not a person or place is good for me is how I feel about myself while I'm with them, or there. I find myself responding to certain people by becoming bitchy and competitive, or worse, petty and cruel. There are just a few people for whom I have lost all respect, and therefore if we get into any kind of argument, the gloves just come off.

I've just spent the last half-hour reviewing an argument I had with an atf guy a little over two years ago. Two years! WTF is wrong with me? Why am I holding onto this pettiness for so long? To be honest, it doesn't usually take up much of my consciousness -- I usually don't think of it all, actually. It's just that today the same guy made a pretty outrageous accusation that brought the whole thing flooding back to me.

Re-reading that thread, I still don't disagree with anything I said back then, but I can clearly see how frustrated I was at being taken out of context and put in the worst possible light (happens all the time in USENET... that's the way it is). What I don't understand is why I stuck it out for so long. Why not just clear out and let the nuts have their fun?

That newsgroup has consumed way too many hours of my life over the years. I was definitely an addict, because I kept going back and sinking huge blocks of time into it even though it was destructive.

I think the atf addiction was a symptom of my depression... but it also fed into it at the same time. I wish I had realized that sooner.

Doesn't matter now, of course. The places I hang out in now, online, are supportive and lively places. They have their ups and downs, but they don't turn me into a raving bitch. IRL, I have some friends that can push those same hot buttons, but IRL, I'm better at managing the conversation so we just Don't. Go. There. Hee!

Now I'm tired and grumpy (again). However, the M&M oatmeal cookies I made with the kids absolutely rock. That should help the evening go by a bit more smoothly... DH & his dad are out at the NCAA tournament, so I've got 'em for the duration.

It's dinner time and I have no idea what to feed them. There is pizza in the freezer but I really don't want that, they all had it yesterday (I refrained then, and will continue to do so).

In other news, DS1 got all A's on his report card, and an "E" (up from an "S") in conduct, with the comments, "puts forth maximum effort" and "showed marked improvement this quarter." He's doing so well, and he really likes school, which I just think is the best.

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