Sunday, April 09, 2006

rare solitude

DH has taken the kiddos to the Y for a swim (yes, it is that warm here), so I have the house to myself for a bit. And what am I doing? Laundry, websurfing, and teddy bear repair. I'm considering a nap, because the Sinus Infection from Hell is still making me miserable, although I'm hoping that the Levaquin($65!) I started on Friday will kick in soon. I woke up this morning feeling horrid and it hasn't let up. I'm kicking myself for not getting some Coricidin when I picked up the prescription, but in my wild optimism I didn't think I'd need it. And now I feel too miserable to go out and get some. Maybe in a bit.

I'm not getting much of anything done these days, and I don't like it. I'm still stuck and I'm not too sure what it will take to get un-stuck. I'm frustrated that I'm not working when our taxes and medical bills are so high, even though it's ridiculous for me to think about working when I have the kids to take care of. I can think about working in August when they go back to school! So why do I keep thinking about it now? I pop into craigslist and other job boards at least once a week if not more often -- but why? It's not like I could take a job even if one was offered to me. I'm not about to put DS2 in daycare and make the older two trade after-school activities for aftercare.

I'm annoyed with myself for not doing the not-paying work I should do that could help land me some paying gigs. My websites haven't been updated in so long that stale doesn't come close to describing them. It's stupid, too, because I have so much content already written that I could move up if I just, you know, did it. I even have a web editor that I bought months and months ago for the express purpose of doing that, and I haven't even installed it! Oh, it's pathetic.

I make excuses for myself: the sinus infection, and that lump in my neck. (Still there, feels bigger, and hurts.) I'm seeing my ENT Tuesday morning, and will ask for his opinion. I admitted to DH last night that I'm scared and I don't want more surgery. That's what is really holding me back. Why should I start something if I'm going to have go for surgery in the middle and not finish it? (It's not just more surgery I'm afraid of.)

Not to sound like I'm completely in despair. It's only human to dread bad news, and as someone who rags on others for being in denial, I realize that's where I am, even though there's a non-zero chance that there's nothing serious going on. It's that same bad feeling I've had over the course of this illness, and every time I think I'm OK, and allow myself to relax, I just get sucked back into the vortex of diagnosis/treatment/recovery again. I'm tired of this and I want it to be over. Part of my denial is wishful thinking, if I don't know that I need surgery again, maybe that's because I don't, and won't, right?

It is hard to have a positive outlook when you don't feel well, so it's certain that the sinus thing is contributing to this horrid malaise. I accepted long ago that there is very little in life that we can control, but there's enough control freak still left in me to be annoyed by all this. I can't wish myself well, but I still feel like I should be able to!

None of this makes any sense, and in that, it reflects my current state.

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