Sunday, January 16, 2005

nearly normal

Today was completely unremarkable. It was busy with typical Saturday-type stuff, some running around, some at home. The weather was clear and warm, the first lovely day we've had in a while.

There was something remarkable about today, though. All the stuff that got done? Took Mom out to find shoes (success!), a quick shop at Trader Joe's, made lunch, ate lunch, put away laundry, blah blah blah: at no point did I feel like I was exhausted. I just did whatever it was, and then: OK, what's next? Do I have time to surf, or am I needed elsewhere?

Effortless... normal. I didn't need to "work up to" anything. It's nice when life feels easy like this. You have no idea, what a relief it is not to be stressed by every little thing. Example: I ended up hauling all three kids to Mass this afternoon because they all wanted to come (for DS1, it's mandatory, but the other two usually stay home with their Dad.) Normally this would put me into a right state of AAAUUUGGGHHHH! but not today. They were all great. DS2 stretched out in the pew and fell asleep about 2 minutes into the homily, to the general amusement of everyone around us. He generated so many good feelings in the congregation just by being a sleepy little cherub. At the end of Mass I carried him out to the car, and he slowly came out of his daze. Then we all went out to dinner, and once again... everything was fine. Nobody freaked out, all the kids ate well. No reason to stress, therefore, no stress.

Of course this makes me wonder if I've just been unnecessarily manufacturing stress for myself over these past however many months. Probably, sometimes, but some other times, the kids really are imps and they do get on my last nerve. I think maybe we've passed successfully through the transition phase and everyone is more relaxed now. I know I'm certainly more relaxed, and that helps tremendously.

I don't know whether I've turned some corner or finally reached a good meds level or what. This could be a fluke but I'm hoping it's the start of a trend.

Inventory: my hands were killing me this morning so I broke down and took a 2nd minocycline this evening, we'll see if it helps. If I can remember to take it regularly, I will, if I have some evidence that it will actually work. I'm cold again this evening and I have this bizarre cold "spot" at the base of my spine that is really, really annoying. Plus my feet are freezing as usual. But, I talked to my bro in PA today briefly, and he asked me, "How are you feeling?" and I answered, honestly and without thinking, "Good." Usually I waffle and say "I'm hanging in there," which means I'm feeling pretty crappy but I'm not about to dump that on someone who is just making social conversation. PA bro asks because he wants to know, not just to make noise, so if I'm feeling crummy I'll tell him, but today's assessment was "good". That's major progress!

Now if my throat would lose the lumpy-hurting, I'd feel completely normal. For me, anyway.

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