Thursday, May 06, 2004

Spending spree fends off imminent depression

The photography rep came by this evening with all the digitals from the kids' recent photo shoot... Oh. My. God. These pictures were gorgeous, and DH agreed. We spent a fortune getting copies for everyone. It has been a really long time since we got portraits done for the two little ones, and these just came out amazingly good. Even DS1 managed to look relaxed and happy, whereas usually whenever you point a camera at him he starts tensing up and making goofy faces.

DS2 is feeling much better this afternoon, after starting the day puking. More laundry! Yay! Eh. After a few episodes this morning he just slept and slept, and I took him to the dr at 11:15, where we observed that his little tonsils are hugely inflamed. The rapid strep came back negative, so we'll wait for Saturday until the culture comes back before treating -- esp as he seemed so much better this afternoon, after sleeping all morning.

My hip is killing me. I'm not sure if it's from working with DS1 on his gymnastics stuff (I had him up in a handstand today, several times, helping him to feel how to hold himself, starting to balance, etc.). He is really making such good progress, and he was actually enthusiastic about it today. I envy him so much that if he just tries a little bit, he improves so rapidly...

Cheer has been cancelled for this weekend -- half the squad will be out of town, and the three remaining girls are the tiniest, so we'll just regroup on Thursday at practice. I'm glad this is drawing to a close.

Still no word from my employers. It's making me antsy. I'm going to try and get a hold of someone on the phone tomorrow morning, since I don't have to take anyone to school. I'll give them till next Friday to get their acts (at least where I am concerned), then bill 'em and resign. This just isn't acceptable.

Last, I heard back from my dr's on my serum Immunoglobulin panel: everything came back well within the normal range. Sigh. This is what I expected, but when I actually heard the results, I was so crushed. I just want an explanation for what is happening to me, just to know the "why" of everything that has gone wrong, that keeps going wrong. I really try to take care of my body (except for the sleep thing, I know I'm bad on that), but I eat well and take great supplements and yet I'm still on 6 different prescriptions and honestly do not feel all that great. I'm sprouting new weird spots daily, it would seem -- I've still got odd ab pains -- achey joints and muscles -- killer hip pain...

I told my sister, I am at odds with my body these days. It has betrayed me, continues to betray me. I don't understand what I need to do, to feel better? Then I try to think, did I ever feel better? This crap has been going on so long that I can't remember. Then I'll have a good day and think, why can't every day be like this, or days like this be the rule, not the exception? And I don't know the answer. First I thought getting the adrenals in shape would fix everything. Nope, although that did help with getting the thyroid up to snuff. Then I thought that getting the thyroid meds optimized, that would clear up everything else, the RA and fibro. Nope, those just seem to be getting worse if anything, even though I am on meds. Or maybe the meds help enough that I'm doing more, which causes more damage so I feel more pain? Who knows. My ever-patient doc tested me for hemochromatosis, and lately for the IgA deficiency. He's a good guy and doesn't mind investigating these blind alleys, but I'm tired of always coming up empty.

On the plus side, I've been good about no wheat since the colonoscopy, and the rapid transit problem is definitely not as bad as it has been in the past, so maybe I do have a wheat sensitivity, even though the celiac serum test came back negative. I should hear on the biopsies tomorrow.

Anyway, I was very disturbed by the latest test results and only felt a little better when DH made me a sf margarita with dinner. At dinner my hip was hurting me so much and I was so grumpy and upset it was all I could do not to cry.

And to top it all off, one of my girl friend's is getting partial nude photos of herself taken to give to her husband for his birthday. She suggested I do the same thing, "You have a great body..." I should be complimented, but it really squicked me out. It made me very uncomfortable to have someone else discussing my different body parts like that. Frankly, I don't want to know if she's checking me out that closely. Very weird vibe. Plus I do not want to explain to her that I'm getting very close to HATING my body right now, it's not the kind of thing I would share with this woman. She wouldn't get it. I look really good in clothes (esp with a Vicky's Secret add-a-cup-size bra) and all this girl thinks about is looks. It's not about looks, it's about being able to do what you want to do. I want to play with my kids, should that be so hard?

Ick. Ick. Ick.

At least buying all those beautiful pictures of my kids -- mostly to send out to family and friends, but some to keep for us! -- was some great retail therapy, and pulled me out of my funk for a little while.

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