Friday, May 07, 2004

Losing my wits

Hip is still killing me today. Ironically, I got a flyer in the mail from my Physical therapist's office announcing their new expanded services, blah blah blah. They have a little "muscle corner" explaining the function of one particular muscle or set of muscles, and guess which one they highlighted? Yep, the piriformis, the one I screwed up which is causing my sciatica. Was that a cosmic message for me to give them a call, or just a freaky coincidence?

I hate everything today, just about. Especially me.

So so grumpy but tried hard not to bite the kids' heads off. DS2 ... never mind. Could've strangled him at one point. He's still sick. I have the feeling he has strep, every time his Motrin wore off today, he just screamed, he was in so much pain. In between times, though, he was pretty much normal, even starting to pick up his appetite again.

DD spent most of today on She is exactly like me and would've spent all day on the computer (which is what I did, with absolutely nothing to show for it), if I had not shoo'd her away eventually.

We missed DS1's concert this evening, as the timing just did not work; DS2's meds wore off and he was miserable, waiting for the new round to kick in. So DH took DS1 over and videotaped the proceedings.

At one point, DH asked me I wanted to go out for brunch on Sunday. I said I didn't know. I don't want to go out with them and be annoyed or concerned because DS2 is still not well. Frankly, I just don't want to go out to some over-priced meal at an over-crowded restaurant just because the calendar says it's Mother's Day. What I really want is a little more respect around here... even the 3yo gives the "No" treatment when I tell him to do something as simple as "put away your shoes". It's ridiculous. Of course he catches holy hell when he does that, but I'm really tired of fighting the same battles over and over.

I'm just really tired. My stomach is totally f'ed up today. Could be from nerves, exhaustion, bad eating: for lunch today, a handful of pecans, 2 baby bel cheeses, 3 dried apricots, a bottle of Propel. Seriously, how bad is that? Killed me. Oh, wait, I had about 5 or 6 little chocolate eggs (Hershey Special Dark) after that. Maybe that's what killed me? Could be. It didn't seem excessive at the time, really. Those eggs are quite small. Dinner: tuna with mayo, a handful of tortilla chips (TJ's organic mini white corn rounds). Not LC, but wheat-free and good. The kids ate pizza. It was a totally screwed up evening because of the concert and DS2 being sick and all, we were planning on picnicking then that didn't work out...

Did manage to get to TJ's and re-stock eggs, bread, milk, cream, veggies, the basics. That was good, now we actually have food for a few days.

Today I feel hideous and useless and like I will never be well, so what's the point. Ick.

My Dear Sister (DS) sent me a beautiful card wishing me a happy mother's day. Yeah, I know, I'm not her mother, although for a good long while she was mine -- our Mom, absent while present, long story, major issues we're still discovering and working through together -- but it was such a beautiful card and a sweet thought it was a great bright spot in the day. Another was DS1's fun foam photo frame he made for me, with little foam hearts glued all around it. He's such a sweet boy, in the true sense of that word, I love how little ones can be so sweet. I wish I could've seen him sing. At least we have the tape.

The kids have all been in bed for about a half hour now and I have no idea where DH is. Probably upstairs watching the DBacks game. You know, I enjoy sports, but I don't feel compelled to watch every single minute of every single game that is happening while I am at home. Too many sacrifices are made to sports around here, I think. Fortunately, football is the worst but that has the fewest games. Basketball is only nutso around March Madness, we very rarely watch NBA games. Hockey? Depends on how the 'Yotes are doing, and besides, I like it, but we don't watch it all that much... Baseball, I really do love it but there are just so MANY GAMES! And we have to watch the DBacks, and the Red Sox, and the Yankees because we hate them and want them to lose... it's ridiculous.

I still need attitude adjustment. I am (as Bok Choy says to Larry Boy) "holding on to my anger", but you know, I'm feeling like this anger is justified and it doesn't seem to be affecting any one else, or even me, for that matter, because nothing is different. No one even notices... What is the point? I could get up, walk out, go for a drive, go somewhere, but there's no place I want to go, how pathetic is that?

Don't want to be here, don't want to be anywhere.


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