Saturday, September 10, 2005

heart-stricken

On the way home from school, DD told us about one of her friend's mother helping out during recess today. I asked her, "Well, do you know where I'm going to be on Tuesday?"

DD happily said, "Here," meaning school, because Tuesday morning I start my classroom volunteer time.

At the same time, though, DS1 said, "Texas."

Oh! My poor babies... I wanted to hug them all together, then, but of course I couldn't because I was driving. So I had to just tell DS1 that I'm not leaving next week, but I probably would find out when I was leaving, next week.

I do hope he didn't really believe that I would announce a big trip like that is such a silly way. I don't think he really thought about it, because it wouldn't make sense for me to ask that question -- it just means that the whole "Mom's going to Houston because of her cancer," idea is front-and-center in his mind.

Both DS2 and DD wigged out this afternoon in ways that I was hoping they had outgrown. It was the end of the week, and the afternoon was stacked with disappointments (the cafe at Borders is closed for renovations! yikes!), but still, it was the worst regression we have seen lately. I know it's all tied up together, their acting out, my own stress about this situation, the end of a long busy week, all that. I'm trying to stay on as even a keel as possible but I know that sometimes I'm just too sensitive myself. Of course they pick up even the slightest change in the emotional tide, and since they're in it, too, they are going to react.

I wish I could spare them this, more than anything in the world. But the only thing we can do is endure it as best we can, until times are better.

1 comment:

Mamasita said...

Again, I know this kind of thing with the kids all too well. I feel so badly that you are going through all this. It's been a long road and it still isn't over.

The previous post about not having accomplished the things you want to...well, I think it would be great for you to get on with your life and do the things you want to do and if you're interrupted by the trip to Texas, then you're interrupted. I learned this lesson years ago when I kept waiting for this and that to NOT happen so I could live my life.

Joan, grab life by the horns and don't let go. Do all the things you can today and if something prevents you tomorrow, then it prevents you. If it doesn't come, then all that time has gone by with you waiting.

As for the kids, I went through my worries about my mom when I was twelve and she was diagnosed with breast cancer the first time. I was so afraid she was going to die. I had a difficult time adjusting to her recovery. She seemed so different to me. I look back now and realize that she was trying to cope with losing her breast and feel better. I wish she had been more talkative. She just shut up (like she did right before she died from the second round) and and didn't speak about it. I would have loved to have heard an explanation or something. I think it is a fine line between giving information to our children and being strong for them.

At the risk of saying something "pat", I'm going to say the following... all the experiences in your family are going to shape your children. (I'm sure you know this.) Your illness, how you go through it, even the lack of time or energy that prevents you from being the fully operational mom you want to be for your children, will impact them, but I would encourage you to avoid thinking all of this is negative.

You are doing the best you can day to day and that is all that is needed. Hang in there. I wish I do more for you.