Monday, February 21, 2005


I felt better today. The throbbing on the right side of my face has subsided a bit, or maybe I'm more adept at ignoring it until it flares up, which, come to think of it, is pretty often. Like now.

The rest of me was not so bad... stomach wobbles mostly calmed, lower back faring well due to my extreme diligence in moving about (or sitting still) properly today, the gut pain only calling attention to itself... periodically.

Oh, who am I kidding? I am just as miserable today as I was yesterday, but until I sat down to write that today was better, I didn't realize that I was deluding myself.

The NP from the gynecologist's called and all the tests they ran last week -- blood, urine, ultrasound -- came back just fine. Well, I had them fax over the blood and urine lab sheets and it turns out my white cell count is low (lingering after-effects of my RAI? likely) and I've got protein in my urine. So they want me to go in and see the doctor himself (he's awesome)... Oooo-kayyy.

I have four doctor appointments in the next two days. Ka-ching! That's $160, since they're all specialists.

Tomorrow: the endo first, then the dermatologist, who will slice off two more suspicious spots. I was completely unflappable with the endo's scheduler today: "Dr. M told me to see her on Tuesday." Flat statement, no questions allowed. Through the magic of scheduling, she got me in at 9:30AM. I'm sure it's things like this that make Dr M. at least 20 minutes late for every single one of my appointments, but honestly? I don't care.

Wednesday: The rheumatologist, for back pain management... I have to grill her on why she didn't order an MRI. Is she so sure I have no disc problems? I was dx'd with mild degenerative disc disease a few years ago. Criminy. I'm betting she's going to go with physical therapy. That'll be fun. My PT will probably shoot me when she sees me crawling back in there... I should've been back in there months ago. OTOH, I also adore my PT. The only problem will be finding times to get in to see her.

After the rheumatologist, back to the gynecologist to see what he has to say to me. If the u/s is clear and the labwork says no infection, why didn't he just say, Keep track of the pain and if it gets worse or doesn't go away in X time, then we'll do some more tests. If he's bringing me back into his office to say these things to me I will be quite annoyed. Still there is a small niggling thought in the back of my head that's saying he's going to want to order more specific tests now. What is he looking for? No idea -- ovarian cancer is unlikely since the u/s came back fine.

I am so annoyed right now. What is the point of all these doctor's appointments, all this money and time and inconvenience? I have no confidence that any of them will tell me anything I don't already know, or that they will be able to do anything to help me feel better. In fact, I'm pretty sure that by Wednesday afternoon I'll be even more ticked, because by that point the hope of something good coming out of all these appointments will have been completely dashed.

But I have to at least try to get better. I think coming into this evening I felt today was better because I pretended to be well today. We took the kids out for lunch and did a little shopping and had a low-key day, but I didn't let myself mope around or let all the stupid never-ending failings of this body give me any more than momentary pause (although some moments were longer than others). I can do that some days.

I'm thinking now of this summer when I was well -- I really wasn't, I was full of cancer but I didn't know it yet -- I felt really good. I had energy and I could move and I did a lot of really fun things. And now I'm just useless, pretty much. I had plans for what I wanted to accomplish before the end of last year and they all went out the window.

I'm sick of being sick. If being pissed off were enough to get me through all this trauma, it would all be in the distant past.

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