Monday, February 07, 2005

hope & fear

In a fit of optimism, DH and I planned out the dates for our summer trips this year. The dates depend on a lot of things: when the kids get out of school, and when they start up again. The Red Sox home game schedule.

Whether or not I'll need another round of RAI.

That's actually the point we started with -- I was putting together my list of questions for the endo, I'll see her on Tuesday. My next scan should be in mid-May; if I need RAI, I'll have to do 2 weeks of the low iodine diet beforehand (I think? this is one of my questions), so that would push the RAI out till the end of May, beginning of June.

So I should be OK to go East by the end of June, right? Even if I need the treatment.

Honestly? I have no idea -- last round, I was fine for the first few weeks and then slid rapidly downwards, but that was because my dosage needed to be adjusted. Now the hope/expectation is that I could go right back on my proper dosage and feel better quickly. But there is no way to predict what's going to happen, so I'll stick with the hope that I won't need any more radiation.

In the same category, I am planning on going out to Disney World with the kids this spring when my sisters visit with nieces and nephew in tow. Mom asked, "Are you planning on going to California with your back like that?"

I replied, well, yeah. I've already had an X-ray and will get an MRI if I need one -- and the trip is not for 2 months. I had bloody well better have some treatment by then! I feel like I landed hard on my tailbone, it just feels bruised, and the vertebrae above it are not very happy, either. Ibuprofen is helping a lot.

Some part of me says, you could give up, you know. But I can't. There's too much to do, and I'll never get to everything, but I can do some things. To say that I'm frustrated is an understatement of epic proportions. I remember being able to do things. I remember skiing! I was mostly terrified and I sucked at it, but towards the end there I began to feel like, hey, this is something I could learn to do, and it would be fun.

Now? It is to laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Fears? That the problems with my back are somehow related to my cancer: my dr ordered the x-ray with the following directions: dx lumbar spine pain, hx metastatic thyroid cancer. Why is that relevant, I wondered. Because the two might be related, I realized. Unlikely, but possible. Whee!

I hope our plans can become reality. I hope I won't need any more radiation. I hope I'm done with cancer and can just be normal (heh) for a while, like, for ever.

One night last week I had all my prescriptions and supplements out and was performing the nightly fill-the-pill-boxes ritual. I take different things six times a day. Some things for my thyroid (obviously), some for the RA, some for adrenal support, some for general health and well-being. This routine got old months, even years, ago, but I'm stuck with it. When I don't take my supplements, I feel crappy. If I don't take my prescriptions, the consequences are a lot more dire. As DH was meandering around at the time, I vented:Some day, I would like to not have to do this.

He looked at me. Some day, you won't.

That's all he said, but I knew exactly what he meant. That day is inevitable, and I hope far-off. To say I'm looking forward to it would be wrong, but I will say this: it will be a relief.

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