Friday, August 06, 2004

failure mom

it was a dreadful day with the kids today. I screamed at all of them, all of them did scream-worthily bad things, like stomping on little brother's foot or not going to pee even after admitting the need, and ending up peeing all over the bathroom floor later because there wasn't enough time (or coordination) to make it to the toilet on time... oops just remembered wet laundry in the machine! Arg...

OK, well, now I'll have a load of wrinkled laundry in the morning, but at least it won't be growing anything. That stuff has been sitting in the washer for about 10 hours now, maybe 12...

Anyway. Days like today make me feel like a failure mom. Seriously, I must be pretty bad if my kids think it is OK to pitch blocks down the stairs, right? I was on the phone for about a half-an-hour with tech support, finally getting Outlook to work on this damn machine (and I think I have found a bug, whee!). Of course this entailed being on hold several times. At least 3 of those times I had to screech at the offspring to go play elsewhere, since they were being rowdy and I couldn't hear myself think. This is after I told them I needed them to be quiet because I was going to be on the phone.

They could see I was on the phone, they just didn't care. So when I got off the phone, finally, the first thing I see is the entire box of Jenga blocks all down the stairs and in the dining room (which is the room at the bottom of the stairs).

I did something interesting, though, perhaps it's twisted. I assembled them all and asked them if they thought it was OK to have blocks all down the stairs. I didn't scream or anything at that point, although I was pretty flinty. They agreed it was not a good thing, and offered to go and pick them up, but I said, "No, I want Daddy to see this when he gets home." Of course, they just freaked out.

So I tried to make the point to them that they seemed to think it was OK to pull this crap when I was around, but that they would never do it to their father. They don't get how they respect (or maybe it's just fear) their father more than they do me. I'm such a fucking push-over, they walk all over me and I am sooooo tired of it.

Eventually I took pictures of the block mess (purely an intimidation tactic, and it works really well with the digital camera) and then made them clean it up.

After the block incident, things went pretty much downhill, because then we had the foot-stomping incident and the peeing incident.

I made steak for dinner, at least that came out -- I must say -- awesome. Then we had cake and whipped cream and raspberries for dessert, so that was good too although I am hungry now, which is not surprising since I haven't eaten or drunk anything in 6 hours. It's only to be expected, right?

Bah. I'm struggling now -- mentally, physically -- because I don't want to be here. I don't want this life right now. I want to be back at the beach, but it's time to grow up and deal with things. Staying up late is only making it worse, but somehow it gives me the illusion of control, I can control this one aspect of my life even if I can't ever seem to control those children. Of course I can't control the children, they have to learn to control themselves, but honestly? I'm tired of having to smack them to get them to pay attention to me.

My left piriformis is killing me, having reached the throb stage. No amount of stretching/popping/whatever is giving me any relief these days, and I'm not lifting anything or sitting badly, although I do believe I sleep badly. Damned if I know how to prevent that. I fall asleep in a "safe" aligned position, and wake up with the left knee up and the right leg down. It feels comfortable but I'm sure it's rotating the joints out of alignment.

I put that hip back in at least twice a day and it's still killing me. I'm having some kind of flare or just a reaction to the lack of sleep, because hands and feet have crept up to 4 or 5 the past 2 days as well. I first attributed it to putting the chairs together Monday night (and that may indeed be a factor), but there isn't any swelling, just ... pain.

I'm sure the pain is related to the lack of sleep. That was one thing, over vacation I did get more sleep than I have allowed myself since I've been home. I still feel profoundly unsettled, and that's not helping anything.

I think this happens every year when I get back here. I freak out and it takes me a while to calm down. This year is worse because I actually got to go to the beach and I love it there, so i had that taste of heaven, yet simultaneously I still did not get to do a ton of stuff I wanted to: did not get into Boston once, didn't get to see friends R&S, didn't get to go to Kimble's for ice cream, or on the Swan Boats or... what is the point? The list is endless. I think, "Someday, someday..."

I did get to spend 2 awesome days with my sister. I think those were 2 of the best days of my whole summer. When I was very little we shared a room. I think I've been missing her ever since I moved out, even though I wanted to move out. She's got such a spark, so much life, even with all that is going on around her with her own family. Now, her older daughter is a lot like me, it's funny. DSis often calls me her DD's name, and her DD, mine... I can totally see why. It's funny to see so much of myself in my niece. I'm glad I waited until I was older to have my kids, I was finally able to relax and release some of my control freak tendencies. Her DD is still trying to control the uncontrollable... she'll figure it out someday.

Well, I have to do my teeth, get my meds together, and go to bed, or else tomorrow will be worse than today. For 2 days now I have put off taking the kids out because they have just been imps, but maybe tomorrow I will venture out with them. I want to finish getting this network setup, and that necessitates a trip to Circuit City to purchase another wireless adapter. I also need to do some more software tweaking, whee!

I made a bunch of appointments today, dentist for me and all 3 kids, and my mammogram. I really should call the dermatologist for a mole check, too, but I don't want to... I don't think it has been 6 months yet. I did notice two darker (approaching black) spots on the back of my right leg... damn them, I can't look at the back of my leg about the knee, do you know how hard that is? Everywhere else I see regularly (even my back, I give it a quick glance on the way out of the shower) but damn, not the backs of my thighs...I just thought to look the other day, and there were these 2 ugly spots. I don't want to get cut again, but I know it's coming. You should see the nasty marks I've got from where the cyst was removed in the spring. You can still see the 2-inch penumbra of bruising from the bandage. It has been 2 or 3 months now, I wonder when that will go away?

Over at LCT, someone asked, do you like how you look naked? In twilight, yes... you can't see the scars or the bruises or the various discolorations (dark and light), then. I'm about at my tiniest healthy weight, somewhere around 125lbs, having not really gained anything over vacation and losing again now that we're home and I'm apparently freaking out.

School starts next week. Not sure whether that will help or hurt, but it will be a change and it's certainly something to look forward to.

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