Wednesday, June 30, 2004

my heart is happy here

It sounds so sappy, but there is a deep contentment I'm feeling now, just being here.

I talked to a friend today and told her how just being here makes me so happy, and she asked me if I would consider moving back. My answer was an immediate "No," because I know that this is an idyll, a time out of real time, and that's what is making this really magical for me. Which is not to say it's one big dream, as I do have 3 kiddos to look after and I'm missing DH fiercely, and I'm tired for any number of reasons. But I can handle all those things because I am just so happy to be here.

I wonder, though, how I will feel when it's time to go home again? Will this visit be long enough to satiate me for a while? Or will it just make me miserable because I'll get into a real groove here and not want to leave? (Doubtful -- very doubtful!)

I love the way the air smells here, the way it feels on my skin. I love the 4 million different shades of true green -- not gray-green, blue-green, but real rich green that is everywhere. I love the flowers, wild and cultivated, that are exploding all over, the lilies and impatiens and petunias, and roses! Oh, the roses are glorious this year... I love the crazy bird noises every morning. I love that a family of skunks tumbled through the backyard a few nights ago, oblivious to us (we immediately fell silent, of course). I love looking out into the yard at sunset and seeing fireflies twinkling at the edge of the woods. I love driving by the ocean every single time I go out for an errand. I love buying my kids ice cream every day (hee!). I love swimming with them and watching them master the water. I loved having to drag DS2 out of the pond today because his lips were blue and his teeth were chattering.

I know I can't do this forever, though. Although I did tell my friend, I can see making long-term career choices that would enable me to do 4-6 week summer visits every year. My poor husband. But honestly, anything that makes me happier and healthier, he is very likely to support. Six weeks might be too long though, that would be 4 whole weeks without him! Too much.

In the day or two before I left, I was stricken by a panicky thought that I had made a terrible mistake, I could never manage all 3 kids by myself for so long, what was I thinking? What if they didn't like it? Now I know I was right when I made the plans, that this was a really good thing -- a great thing -- to do. Even if I never get to do this ever again, I will have had this time.

I am so blessed.

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