Friday, February 20, 2004

Let down

Our dinner date tonight was cancelled on account of illness. DH is under the weather with what we hope is just a 24-hour fever-chills-aches thing, and his business partner was out today with something simliar. So, no fancy dinner after all. I'd pout if there was anyone around to see it. I went through a considerable effort to assemble a great outfit and even got my hair cut. Damn. Oh well, there will be another time.

DH went up to go to bed very early, and by some miracle I managed to get the kids into bed before 8:05, so here I am, in a completely quiet house, and it's barely ten past eight. How weird.

I was/am thoroughly exhausted today, anyway -- stayed up late again last night with the knitting. Yes, my life is so wild, I stay up late... knitting. Hee. At least I can appreciate the humor in that. If I had to, I would've finished the wrap in time to wear it to dinner, as it was, with our plans being cancelled rather early in the day, I haven't worked on it since very early this morning, when I got up to take DS1 to school, so DH could get into work early. I will pick up the knitting again when I go watch tv after finishing up here, and maybe I will even finish it tonight even though I won't need it for a few weeks.

The knitting last night was a good excuse to watch The Fabulous Baker Boys for about the millionth time. I love that movie. First, I love the music (Dave Grusin, it introduced me to him), and I love the dynamics between the characters. Jeff Bridges and Michelle Pfeiffer have incredible chemistry, and I really like the way Pfeiffer sings.

Her thready singing encourages me to sing, which is a bit of a laugh... I've always been one of those off-key warblers. In an interesting twist, I've noticed that I sing better these past few years, and I wonder whether or not my thyroid nodule has anything to do with it? I definitely have a bigger range, too, and the only thing I can figure is that the lump is making things possible that previously were not, for whatever reason... I'm not complaining. I love to sing, I would love to be able to sing well enough to be in the church choir, but currently that's not feasible just on a time basis. Some day, maybe.

Anyway, the Baker Boys... it's always like a time warp, watching that movie. I first saw it when I was waking up to the reality of my first marriage. I had a business trip, the first leg of which I took alone, and my (now ex) husband joined me in the middle of it. During the first part of the trip I got to visit with an old friend from high school, and she and I went to see the Baker Boys and then went out for Vietnamese food and we just had such a great time. I remember how Jack's struggle -- doing the "right" thing, earning a decent living, vs doing what he wanted to do, playing jazz -- really resonated with me then. I knew I was doing what was right, what was expected of me, but I felt so stifled, like Jack. There was this whole other part of me that I kept on denying. Watching that movie provoked my first conscious thoughts about it, and about what I could do to try and change things, make things better for myself.

Eventually, of course, everything came up to the surface and exploded. There were many triggers along the way, but I think I will always love that movie because it told me something about myself I needed to know. Some family members and friends had tried to tell me the same thing -- that I wasn't me anymore, that I wasn't living my own life -- but I couldn't, or wouldn't, listen to them. Baker Boys wasn't a sermon so much as a demonstration, and it was just what I needed at the time.

I think the high point of the day was re-connecting with some old friends who decided to dive in here and see what was up with me. This is a very immediate forum, very intense (or very boring, when I'm whining about housework) and sometimes too much even for me to take -- too much ME! ME! ME! -- but for folks who I can't see or speak to that often, it's a great way for them to know how I really am doing. I managed to upload all the rest of my journal entries from late last year this afternoon, and even just in skimming over them as I reposted them, I could see the trends of staying up too late, fatigue, discouragement, and then relief... ve-ry-in-ter-est-ing, as they say.

For the record, it's cloudy and may rain all weekend, and my RA is kicking up fiercely. The knitting marathons probably haven't helped. The gallbladder is holding steady at about 5, spiking up to about 7 occasionally (that's "I can't stand up straight"-level pain). Sucks, I'm glad it's coming out on Monday. Whee!

No contractors yesterday, and they were supposed to come today, but didn't. At this point we will be lucky to have that room done by Easter. It's getting a little absurd, now. The worst thing is that they don't call and tell me what's up. Most day if I do get a call, it's at like 2PM and I've already figured out they're not coming. Advice:Never, under any circumstances, tell your contractor that you don't have any time pressure involved with your job. Give him a deadline he has to meet or there will be penalties. Seriously, this is bad. This is not a big job and I have no clue what else these guys are working on, and I don't begrudge them the time they spent helping out that church in Mesa. But as far as I'm concerned, the church in Gilbert can wait until my job gets done -- their project is not an emergency! But that's just me. grump grump grump

I finally had a chance to talk to a local friend yesterday, since my surgery has been scheduled I wanted to fill her in on it. We actually had a nice talk but I never know how to handle nearly-naked envy. DF (the incredibly blunt one) said something on the order of, "You didn't even have to do anything to get that job!" regarding my freelance job, the one where I'm making good money working at home when I want. The guys I'm working with are happy with me, and not only that, they paid me promptly! Yay for me! But DF's comment rankled me -- it's not "I didn't have to do anything" to get this job. I worked in the industry for 15 years, and with my friend who recommended me for 7. The past 3 years I've been writing more steadily, to the point where I had a nice collection of URLs to send off to my then-prospective employer, so he could check out my writing style and basic level of competency. I've done a lot that directly contributed to me getting this job, none of which DF recognizes, if she can even see it.

However, I learned years ago that it's pointless to try and educate her. I just have to let it go with her, and so I did, but this is the perfect place to bring it up and hash it out with myself. I almost (not quite) got a "you don't deserve that great job" vibe from her, and I could just feel my back going up. I not only deserve this job, I earned this job, and I'm good at it. (Contrast this attitude to my fears before I started! Hee! I love it when I'm in a groove.)

One line of correspondence today talked about choices we made and their repercussions now, and linked it all back into health issues... did I make decisions to save my energy, rather than going for it, because all along I've had these health problems dogging me? I've had PCOS since puberty, IBS and TMJ in college, migraines later on down the road... even when I was in my early 20s, I remember having that "hit by a truck" feeling when I woke up, which is so characteristic of fibromyalgia and RA.

Has there ever been a time in my life when I honestly felt physically great for an extended period? I've had a few such stretches, including my first 2 pregnancies. But then something would always impinge...

This is getting into the Day Tripper theme but I'm not ready to explore that in detail right now, so I'll just leave it to percolate.

I listened to "The Long and Winding Road" in the car on the way home today, and I decided I have to get "Let it Be, naked" just so I can have a recording of that song without the over-produced Phil Specter string section. The lyrics are cliche-city but I still powerful with that simple sustaining melody, and I'd really like to hear it stripped down to its core.

I'm cracking up listening to all these Beatles tunes. I especially laughed at "We can work it out," in which the singer implores his lover to "try to see it [his] way," does he have to keep on talking until he can't go on? But then he basically delivers an ultimatum: "while you see it your way, there's a chance that we might fall apart before too long." Seriously, the dude was saying, shut up and agree with me, or I'm out of here -- "Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting." And when I was a teenager, the spin I put on it was soooo different than that! Of course, that was before I'd had a failed marriage to a total control freak.

However, "Hello, Goodbye" has held up very well all these years, as has "Let it be."

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