Sunday, February 22, 2004

Flailing around

Since I closed the last entry, I have:

- read extensively in the KnowledgeBase at Blogger.Com, and visited 4 different sites looking at blog "skins" to see if/how I want to change the look of this page. I'd like to add links and stuff and that doesn't seem as if it should be too difficult. Some folks out there have some seriously nice templates available for free downloading. I need to spend some time with it, because if I can find a look I like for MILC, then I'll stick with the blog over there. I really should do something with that instead of babbling on in here incessantly, but, there ya go. Or rather, here I am.

- checked my email at twice, and re-read mail from about 4 different people

- caught up at the Sex & the City forum at TWoP; not much going on today as we are all "waiting with breath bated" for tomorrow's series finale. I'm sure I'll have to lots to say about that. Tomorrow, or later, as I'm sure tomorrow I will be wigging out even more about the impending surgery. Or maybe not. There's always the possiblity.

- caught up on the journals and new posts at LCT. It was kinda quiet over there today. No comments on my Lemon Yogurt muffins, either. I wonder if anyone else will ever make them? I wonder if other folks get as good results from my recipes? Can't remember the last time I posted one. I'm ticked that I didn't think to copy out my fruitcake recipe from TLC before it went down. But then again, I didn't know it was going to go down, and stay down. Oh, the joys of online life.

- hung out at WebMD researching gallbladder stuff, inflammatory bowel diseases, celiac disease, and two or three other topics I will leave to your imaginations. I don't have to go into every gory detail, do I? I have symptoms that I am pretty sure are not related to my gallbladder. At this point I'm kind of casting about as to who to follow up with, and how soon after surgery I can do that. According to the helpful WebMD tools, I should call my doctor about my symptoms. How very helpful, indeed.

- the second time I checked my mail, I peeked in at the newsgroup. I lurk there now. I was a regular participant for years until pretty recently when the political stuff got really ugly. A number of the locals there never recovered from 2000 presidential elections. Occasionally I do still post but mainly I keep track of a few folks I'm fond of. It doesn't help, of course, that Farscape is in limbo right now. (The series is cancelled, but a mini-series is in production; there's no announced air date or even network for the mini, yet.) I've unsubscribed from the group 2 or 3 times now, but so far have always ended up re-subscribing just because I'm bored or missing folks and wanting to see if they have been posting lately. I have a very weird social life.

- checked in at the invitation-only writer's bboard and read a great travelogue by one of the guys there. He makes California sound very appealing. The place he wrote about today I actually visited but so long ago I don't remember anything about it. We all live vicariously through each other over there. It's a great eclectic mix of folks from all walks, we just all like to write. That's our one thing in common, that and we used to (some still do) write for Epinions.

- thought about making some decaf like 20 times. I'm thirsty but too lazy to go get a drink. Thought about going to bed at least 3 times.

I recognize this feeling I'm having now. I'm tired and front-of-brain-know I should just go to bed, but the much-more-stubborn reptile brain doesn't want to go to bed. It's very similar to a feeling I had when I was depressed, which went something like this: when you think you're going to be dead soon, you don't want to waste time sleeping. [Look, I know it doesn't make much sense, but when you're depressed, you think odd things. It has been documented, I'm pretty sure. Part of my depression was thinking generally that everything would be better if I were dead. Now that I'm well, I realize that's a pretty f'ing scary thought.]

Right now I'm pretty sure I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon, even though I'm a bit skeeved by the surgery. There's a possibility: my fear of the unknown (surgery) manifests as willful insomnia. Lots of other emotional crap manifests as willful insomnia, too, but I'm going with fear as my top candidate right now -- but there's something else, too.

I'm looking for something, try to fill a void that's impossible to fill. I was whining about this earlier. I need some physical interaction (minds out of gutters, please). Face-to-face talking, or even a phone call, not just words on a screen. With the exception of my husband, all my closest friends live in other time zones. Sucks. I get this feeling from time to time, and it's particularly bad right now I think because I was really looking forward to going out, and then we didn't, and because of the surgery thing. It's stupid. I can sit here and write about it and see that it's true but I still don't go to bed.

Mick Jagger's voice is crooning in my mind's ear You can't always get what you want... Tonight, anyway, this 'puter isn't gonna give me what I need, either. Gotta give it up.

DH came home from work at 11, watched some SNL and MadTV, and then went to bed. I think we exchanged something like 10 words. I wanted to tell him that I missed him, but didn't. Stupid me. I did tell him that I'm having a lot of pain today. He is sympathetic but knows there isn't really anything he can do for me. Anyway, if I'm feeling lonely it's my own damn fault.

Maybe it isn't loneliness, though. Maybe it's just an escape attempt to get away from the physical discomfort that has dogged me all day? That's plausible, too. So many times throughout my life, pain has dictated my decisions, influenced my behavior. It definitely is, now. I'm hiding here.

Sitting at this computer is like putting up a big "do not disturb" sign...which is the exact opposite of what I was just saying I needed and wanted, right? If I really do want/need some human interaction, why didn't I actually get some? The idea of hugging someone, or someone hugging me, makes me wince right now. I carred DS2 up to bed at 8PM and about thought I was going to fall over. (insert multiple "ow"s here)

If I go to bed, will I sleep? Or will I just lie there, "listening" to all the aches and pains, competing for my attention? maybe I'm just trying to make sure I'm sooo tired that I'll fall asleep no matter how fucking miserable I am.

Enough of this Pity Party. There's no escape. Time to go to bed.

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