three's the charm?

I have the sense of making progress.

I had the CT scan Tuesday, got the (unremarkable) results -- except for "mild bladder wall thickening" -- yesterday, along with a referral to a urologist, yesterday.  Saw the urologist today, a new specialist for me, and the third doctor I've seen to try and get some relief from this pain that is just not going away.  I liked her very much, perhaps because she listened to what I had to say about this situation and said, "I think I can help you with your pain."  I hope she's right.  I have another test scheduled for next Friday (cystocopy) and we'll go from there. One new idea is prolapse, since I had it before. The doctor mentioned that a prolapse surgery involving only my own tissue (no artificial supports) that lasted more than 10 years was actually an unusually good outcome.

So, there's that.  The other great news: I got my nice bonus!  You could knock me over with a feather.  I did not realize that they didn't just look at the raw data from the state, they actually calculated a percentage based on the "gen ed" students only, and they did brilliantly (94% "met" or "exceeded"!)

Today I also participated in the final call-in for the class I took last summer, which was sad for me because I didn't implement anything the way I wanted to, because last year was basically one body blow after another.  There were tech glitches but I still got to contribute to the discussion, so I feel better about that.

What else? Finally cleared out some stuff that needed to go to the recycling center.  It's remarkable how much space two office/desk chairs take up, and also remarkable how much dead technology we had kicking around.  I love getting rid of stuff.  After that, DD and I drove up to Phoenix and got her senior blazer, which is going to need substantial tailoring.  Now I just have to get DS2 a new suit for the upcoming wedding...

I briefly got my hopes up about deferring the big math test until August, when a new AEPA test will be available for certifying grades 6-12 on middle school math and "foundational" math for high school. No luck -- gotta do the m.s. one, currently scheduled for the 13th.  I did not pass the practice test when I took it on Monday, but I probably would have if I had 1) been in a more serious environment, not sitting on the couch while the kids had the television on and 2) used a scientific calculator instead of my phone.  Also, there was the whole rushing through it thing -- there were 120 questions and I had 144 minutes.  Of course I didn't finish properly, but on the real test I'll have 4 hours and 15 minutes, which is 255 minutes!  That's very reasonable.  So: more math over the next 10 days, particularly functions and (gulp) calculus. [One delightful realization: I have good instincts for a lot of this material, and I actually like it.  I think teaching math is going to be more fun than I thought!]

Summer school for me and the two younger offspring starts Monday!  I have to budget my time wisely so I get all my reading and writing done.  The time is going to fly by.

shhh, don't wake the crab

Today my only accomplishments were finding the cat and completing several puzzles in the Monkey level of the highly addicting WordBrain game. Finding the cat took much, much longer.

I slept in very late, and when I finally got up, DH asked if I'd seen Alice, our deaf tortie.  Whole house search ensues.  Even more thorough whole-house search continues.  Flashlights deployed to look in the darkest corners of closets and shelves on cupboards (she has been known to sneak into an open cupboard and curl up in there.)

No luck.  DH went out to look for her in the neighborhood, and I made up flyers to post and hand out to the neighbors.  Ringing doorbells, I was very sorry to interrupt my neighbors' Memorial Day weekend, but everyone I spoke to was very friendly and kind.  A neighbor two doors down said she had seen Alice outside on Friday. Friday!  How could she have been out since then? I felt terrible to think she had been outside all this time!  It is very hot now, too.   Another neighbor two more houses over had seen her last night, when her dog saw her out front and went crazy, barking.  Of course Alice was oblivious because she is deaf!  But it was a relief knowing she was OK last night.

When I ran out of flyers, I came in to think about what to do next.  DD and I decided to take the car out to put up some flyers a little farther out in the neighborhood, so I printed some more.  An older gentleman was very reassuring, "Your cat is within 50 yards of your house.  She may be in someone's garage, but believe me, they never go far."  He told me stories of his cats that were gone for up to 12 days... living in a neighbor's garage! That was encouraging.  About three minutes after that, we turned up another street and I noticed one yard had their sprinklers on, and water was running down onto the sidewalk.  It was late afternoon, about 5PM, by this time, and most people don't water their lawns at that time around here.  I noticed the water first, but then I noticed there was something under one of the cars in the driveway.   We pulled over and I ran over to the car, and there she was, stretched out.  I panicked for a moment but then I could see she was breathing.

I called her, but of course, no response, and I couldn't reach her from the back of the car.  From the side I could just reach her hind paws, so I snagged them and pulled her towards me.  Of course this woke her up and she was very irritated to be dragged from the shade of the car, but I didn't care.  I held her very close and DD drove us the approximately 25 yards home.

DD and then spent another half-hour or so taking down all the flyers I had put up, and retrieving any that were still in neighbors' doors.  I was very thorough in plastering the neighborhood, but I've never minded using up paper and ink so little.  It was worth it to have her back.

I did some math yesterday morning, but then spent the afternoon antiquing with DD, which was lovely, except for the pain.  I've had it for so long now that I've named it the crab, because it feels like something take chunks of me, pulling and pinching.   Sometimes I feel fine, especially if I can stay off my feet, but walking around for hours yesterday and today was challenging at times. Mostly it's mid-range on a pain scale, which means if I get involved in something, I can forget about it, but then other times, I can't ignore.  I have a CAT scan scheduled for Tuesday, and I would really like to know what is going on.  For now, though, I think, go to sleep, little crab, leave me alone!

Alice needs brushing.  I'm off.

this is vacation?

Weeelllll....

On my first day off I took a look at the study guide for the math test I was supposed to take today and realized I wasn't ready to take it, so I postponed it till next Thursday.  I spent a few hours on the diagnostics and realized I really need to review and study. I haven't had geometry in over 30 years!  That's a long time.  At the same time, I realized the study guide is just that, a guide, and it doesn't have the actual content  I need.  It took me a while but I came around to the idea of just stopping by the school and picking up some student textbook CDs, which I did yesterday.  They are installed and everything, but I haven't "mathed" much since I installed them, because:

I started the day bright and early with a dentist appointment (8am!) followed by an appointment with my endocrinologist.  All clear on the dental front, and the endo noted my weight loss and had my labs and everything's good except my T4 is a little high but she feels that it's not too bad and she's leaving my meds alone for now.  Unbelievably, we're starting the approval process for my Thyrogen trial in October already.  After that I went over to the school and picked up my stepladder which I had left behind and got the math CDs, too.  Then I had to get home to pick up DS1 for his dentist appointment -- it was too cruel to make him get up early, and there was no reason to drag him to my endo appointment. 

After I picked up the younger two kids from school (this is their last week), DS1 asked if I could him clean his room - friends are coming over later this week.  You have to understand, the entire contents of his dorm room were piled into a corner of his room in front of his closet.  Somewhere between 3 and 4 hours later, his room is quite livable.  I always say, start with throwing away the trash, which helped.  Then we went through all his drawers and his closet and made piles of things to donate and things to just throw away.  The donate pile was huge.  I introduced him to the joys of Swiffer dusters and even vacuumed.  I believe the last time his room was this clean was before his sophomore year of high school when I painted his room while he was in debate camp.  It was very satisfying work, but exhausting.

Somewhere in there, the gyn's office called back and left these results for me: "The results of your urine culture were negative.  Your PAP smear was also negative.  There were no cysts on your ovaries.  If you are still having pain, see your PCP."   This message was infuriating for so many reasons.  One, they had already told me the results of the urine culture.  Second, they did not do a PAP smear, I don't even have anything to test!  Ridiculous.  Third, fine, ok, no cysts on the ovaries, did they even bother to look to see if there was anything else that could be causing my symptoms? It was a 30-second ultrasound.  I am so done with that practice!  Fortunately, I called my PCP and I got an appointment for this morning, which explains why I haven't mathed much.

My appointment was at 9:30 but I knew the car was already loaded up with DS1's stuff-to-be-donated, so I got up early and went through my own closet, and the linen closet, and added even more stuff.  I am moderately embarrassed to admit that there were still crib sheets in my linen closet.  (DS2 is 15 years old, it has been quite a while since I had a crib in the house!) Anyway, now DS1 has plenty of room, the linen closet is in much better shape, and my closet is a bit better, too.  So I loaded up all that stuff, and then headed out.  

My doctor is, bless him, a great listener, and he was amazingly professional in not slagging on my gyn for being a slacker.  He did a thorough exam and suggested a couple of possibilities, including spinal/nerve stuff, or scar tissue.  He sent me for an x-ray of my lower spine (quick, cheap, easy) just to see if anything obvious comes up there, and is getting authorization for a CT scan.

Perversely, I would be relieved if it's nerve-related, but it really feels as if there's something in there, and I have a hard time getting away from that feeling.

Anyway, dropped off the donations, got my x-ray, picked up the kids, got them lunch, and then took DS2 and myself to the dermatologist.  His acne is back so he'll be starting up treatment, and I needed a spot check - all clear. *whew*

Back home, managed to have a great conversation with my sister about all this medical stuff, and then it was dinner and then I didn't feel like working, so I didn't.   I have a little over a week to get my act together.  I think tomorrow will be easier because I don't have any appointments in the morning so I can work while the kids are at school.  I haven't been a complete slug, though, because I'm making great progress on one of the books for my history of science class, a biography of Alexander Humboldt which is really great.

I set myself back a bit by looking over my end-of-the-year paperwork from school and figuring out that the odds of reaching 'highly effective' are very slim (at least 90% of my students would have to meet or exceed on the AIMS test, and the highest I've ever had was 85%.)  I pretty peeved about that, since it is essentially halving my (potential) bonus, and sentencing me to another year of additional administrative oversight.  I'm wondering if it's worth saying anything, since I'm only missing this because of 2 lousy points on my last formal evaluation.  Every time I think about it, I get annoyed, because there are so many teachers who just come in and punch the clock in and then out and they're done, and they get the highly effective tag.  I'm feeling as if I will never be a success in my district, and it's not a good feeling, especially when I'm doing this whole teaching math thing literally for them.  Why?  Mainly because I made the commitment. There's also the fact that I don't have another job lined up. 

Pain was bad on and off today.  I would really like it to resolve itself and then I wouldn't have to have so many doctor's appointments.Things I know it's not: a urinary tract or bladder infection, pelvic inflammatory disease, kidney stones, anything digestion related.  My labs were stellar, and any or all of those would have shown up somehow.  Here's hoping we'll find out what it is, and that it won't be terrible. 

the headlong rush to the end of the year

Tomorrow is my students' field trip, just a fun day for them, really, but it's totally boring for us teachers since we literally have to stand around and watch them.  I am tempted to bring a book but it's simply not done.

Tomorrow night, eighth grade promotion ceremony, then Thursday is my last day at my current campus.  I will be going to the new, closer campus next "fall" - school starts for us in mid-August, to give time for the construction to finish, so I have a somewhat "late" start.

This end-of-year stuff is exhausting me, though.  I've arranged labs and activities for my students that involve buying stuff, setting it up, and then cleaning up after -- and since I only have one sink in my classroom, that means I'm stuck with nearly all of the cleanup tasks. It's a lot of work, but the students seem to appreciate it (some even actually say thank you), and, you know, it's my job, it's what I do.

Lately what I do is worry about what's going on with me.  I've had the pain and fullness that usually accompany an ovarian cyst since the end of March.   Usually it resolves itself in 4 or 5 or sometimes 6 weeks, but whatever this is, it's hanging on.  I finally called my gynecologist a week and a half ago, only to find out that he has closed his private practice and joined a large group practice, which I hate.

I know I hate it because I saw him there last Tuesday, where he did the most cursory of exams and declared that I probably have diverticulitis, even though my digestion is pretty much perfect (for me). He did order an ultrasound, and because this is a large practice and they do everything in house, I had to wait until today to get it.  It took all of two minutes, since the only thing the tech imaged was the ovaries, and she said they looked fine.  I certainly didn't see any cysts so I'm confused.  What could make me feel like there's a cyst when there isn't?

Well, duh: ovarian cancer.  When I run what I'm feeling through various symptom checkers, it comes up near the top of the list. I didn't notice anything weird about the ultrasound though, so if there is cancer it's not exactly obvious.  That is one of the known problems with ovarian cancer, it's not obvious.  It's not a bladder infection or UTI because the urine culture came back negative.  I'd be surprised if it's PID...

With any luck results will be back by the end of the week, and I'll have some indication of what the next steps are.  This doesn't seem to be going away and it's annoying and painful and makes the lower part of my stomach stick out and I can't even suck in my gut anymore.

In the meantime, I've started reading the texts for my two classes, when I really should be studying for the Math AEPA I'm taking next Tuesday!  I admit I'm somewhat terrified about teaching math (along with science) next year, but I figure I can handle it, with help.

mother's day

These past few weeks have been rough.  Every time I turned on the television there was some ad or program referring to Mother's Day to remind me of my own dear mother's absence. I finally just gave up and would only watch streaming videos so I wouldn't have to deal with it.  

I'm still angry about this whole situation, even though that doesn't make sense.  I go through relatively long periods where I'm fine (because I'm not thinking about it), but then I'm not.  I'm just sort of... empty, missing something that can't be replaced.  I suppose I will get used to it.  I'm kind of used to it already in some ways, but not in others...

My day today involved a nice brunch, all going out to a movie together, and a nice dinner in the evening.  Brunch was later than I expected because I underestimated how long it would take to make both blueberry cake (for the family) and lemon muffins (gluten- and sugar-free for me), but in the end it was all quite delicious.  

The movie was Captain America:Civil War, which involved less silliness and stupidity than I expected, and thus was thoroughly enjoyable.  I think the thing I liked best was the care the writers took to show that the characters are actual people, with real feelings.  It was well done, and everyone enjoyed it.

Dinner was surf & turf, I prepped and DH grilled.  We ate outside, and afterwards the two older children and I stayed outside for quite a while just talking and being together, and that made today completely perfect.

There were other things, of course: I talked to both my sisters, and texts went back and forth among all my siblings.  Somehow all the laundry got done.  I thought about grading some tests but that didn't happen... no big deal, I'll have time to do it this week since I have my prep hour back. (All of the younger grades have now visited junior high science.)  I was fairly successful most of the day in not thinking about whatever is going on with (what I think is) my ovarian cyst -- will just have to wait until Tuesday to find out.  I'm glad I was able to not-think about that for a good part of the day.

Perhaps some won't believe me when I say I don't need anything, but I know there will come a time when my children will not be able to spend (most of) a day with me, and so I'm appreciating it while I can. Time is the most precious thing we have, and being with my family is the best thing in the entire world.

work now, play later

We had a couple of slow weeks at school, with the students were in standardized testing, when we weren't allowed to give homework or tests or quizzes.  My eighth graders had targeted review work, which basically amounted to a participation grade.  But I assigned a cool in-class project to my seventh graders, which had multiple parts and really let them be creative while still demonstrating that they had learned something.  Those things were due a while ago, as were my eighth graders' physics workbooks (that sort came before and after the standardized testing.)

For some reason, I just got out of the habit of attacking the grading asap, and I just let them sit around too long, which ended with my having to really power through huge stacks of stuff in order to be ready for this week's progress reports.  I have to stop scheduling project and lab due dates within a day or two of quizzes and tests, because then I'm just buried in grading and it takes me a while to dig out.

The trick, of course, is not to get behind, so today I graded all the reviews & quizzes, and put them all in the grade book, so I won't have to think about them again.  It seems rather stupid and obvious to be writing about this ("Do the work.  It's not complicated.") but I keep putting myself into this same jam, at least this year, when I seem to fall into a funk and don't do anything after school.

My life is really not set up to do nothing after school.  If I don't work then, I won't get done what needs to get done!

My students are still bouncing off the walls, and I'm spending way too much time taking their "points" away and emailing their parents about it.  Still, I have to be strong about this now or it's only going to get worse.  It's not for too much longer now, anyway!

T. S. Eliot was right

April really is the cruelest month.

Nature-wise, everything is blooming and beautiful and the weather is mild and delightful, so my complaint is not with the unfulfilled promise of the season seen in more northerly, harsher climates.

No, April is just the cruelest month for teachers and probably for students, too, who have to deal with standardized testing that throws everyone off for at least a few weeks.  Then, after the extended hiatus, we're exhorted to jump right back into curriculum and "finish strong."

The students have checked out!  They think they're done for the year when we have six weeks left.  I have enough experience with this to know that this happens every year, and that this first post-testing week is crucial in re-establishing procedures and expectations for behavior and productivity.  If I let anything slide now, by the end of the year my classroom will be a madhouse.

We're all loading up the students with work and assessments, and they're resisting, for now.  With any luck, if we keep the pressure on, we'll be back to normal by next week, or the week after... soon May will be here, and the last day of school will be on us before we know it.

a bit on the nose

I had a dream last night that I was a passenger in a car.  My mother was driving (this surprised me, even in the dream; Mom hasn't driven much since 2010) and my two sisters were in the back, and we were talking about a meal we'd just had together.  Mom was talking about the dessert, I think, but I couldn't tell because suddenly her words weren't actual words, even though her tone and inflection were still normal.  In the dream, I realize that she's having another attack of aphasia and realize she needs help. I ask her to pull over, and the car slowly drifts to the shoulder, but keeps moving.  Becoming more distressed, I ask her to put the car in park, to change the gear -- but looking over, there's now  no one  in the driver's seat, so I grab the gear lever on the steering column and force it up, and the car stops.  I look in the back and see Mom's now back there, flanked by my sisters, the three of them somewhat crowded in the back, and I think, That looks uncomfortable.  And then I woke up.

***

So, yes, my subconscious saw fit to inform me that even if I feel I have no control over my life, I actually do. Or, I could, if I would just take it. Thanks, unconscious brain!

***

I have heard hundreds of sermons on the transformative power of love.  Sometimes, though, you can hear a thing many times before you actually understand it. Fr Rafael today spoke about how the act of loving changes us, as much if not more so than being loved, using the example of Peter's profession of love for Jesus from this week's gospel.  This actually ties back to the out-of-control dream, which connects to my recent discouragement at work (which, you know, is actually school.)

I have a student who drove me crazy last year in seventh grade and was making me nuts this year, too, until I just decided to stop that and really listen to him and be kind.  It would be delightful to say that he's really turned around and become a great student, but that's never going to happen for many reasons -- but it is delightful that he doesn't vex me anymore.

It's also delightful that I'm having visits from all the younger children, who have so much fun in my classroom.  My colleagues can't understand why I'm so willing to give up my prep hour to have the littles come in.  It's a bit awkward to tell them I love them, and really mean it, but I do.  And when I say I love teaching junior high students, they're like toddlers in teenagers' bodies, and they change so much over these two years, they need so much help! I really mean that, too.

I am never happy if I'm holding back.

***

On the other hand... I (finally) know myself well enough to know that minor bumps get blown up in my imagination or psyche into major dramas, and if I talk about it, or write about, or obsess about it... everything gets worse.  I think about what I should do or say, when, where, how, to whom, endlessly looking for a solution to a problem that probably doesn't even exist.  So if I'm upset about something, I'm going to make myself at least sleep on it before deciding whether or not it's actually "a thing" that requires attention.

I can actually do this now, whereas in the past I couldn't detach myself.  I'm glad about that, but wondering what took me so long.  Or perhaps I've had this ability in the past (something seems familiar about this resolution) and just forgot, or lost it.

Trying this recently, very few incidents survive to become "things" that need me to do anything.  I can feel sad about something without having to try to change it, and I can let others manage their own affairs.

This approach leaves me with some energy to apply to useful and pleasant activities that help offset that sadness and frustration.  This week that meant sending another article idea to my adviser, because if teaching is making me a little crazy, writing about teaching intrigues me. I know it'll take months and months, but I want to publish.

Mercury retrograde, or something

Today was not an easy day.

For me, the worst I had to face was too many unruly seventh graders stacked into my fifth period class because ... reasons. At least, that was the worst I had to face for myself, and I was cheered up considerably by the round of applause my 8th-graders gave me after my pointed speech about Newton's laws of motion and their application to chairs that have fallen over.

After school, though, I found out that DS2's field trip was cut short because ... reasons, and that was disappointing.  DD came home crestfallen this evening over an incident at her work, and then DS1 called from campus feeling frustrated by the attempts at indoctrination he's surviving in his required diversity classes.

Easter wasn't even two weeks ago and it feels like it was last year.  I know I need attitude adjustment but it's hard when it's the offspring who are troubled.  I'm better at reminding myself that all things are temporary.  Certainly nothing life-altering happened today, and that's good, but I still wish I could fix all their problems with a hug and a little reassurance.  You think - I thought - when  you become a parent, oh, it will be so much easier when they're out of diapers, only to realize there's new mischief for them to get into.  Later you think, it'll be so much easier when they're in school or when they're out of the house... but it never gets easier to listen to my children be sad or frustrated or upset.

(I suppose the antibiotic is working, but whenever my NSAID wears off, my entire face fills up with mucus. It's the weirdest thing.  I still don't feel well. I'm in one of those moods (modes?) when I wonder if I will ever feel well, again.)

spring, fevers...

The weather has been mostly lovely.  A bit too hot, then it cooled off again, and now we're apparently back up in the 90s, probably to stay.  I'm not complaining.  Enough of the cold!  Plus, we're just about at peak ocotillo season here, and the larger one out front is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.  

I finally broke down on Sunday and went to urgent care for antibiotics.  I've been feeling horrid for too long, and even though I kept telling myself I was getting better and didn't need them, I wasn't, and I did.  I'm also taking the new NSAID my surgeon prescribed for me, in an effort to calm down the C7/C8 junction that I tweaked, somehow.  The only symptom, besides the very rare feeling like I'd bruised my spine, is this weird feeling along the back of my arm, like the skin has been scraped.  There's nothing wrong with the skin, of course (scrapes heal well before 4 weeks have passed.)  I figure I'll give a good 6-8 weeks to resolve and only then I'll see the doctor about it again.  It's not that bad. 

School is making me sad these days.  My proposal is DOA, or at least I have every reason to believe that.  Last week was the writing test, and this week is the reading and math tests.  The last of all will be science test to my 8th graders, who frankly have had enough of this nonsense and are not in the mood to review anymore.  I just want to them to do well. At least I finally get my wish and we've kept the normal bell schedule and are just working around the students in their respective test groups.  That, at least, is a blessing, as is the fact that we're getting the testing out of way early.  That last part's great -- we'll be done in just a few days -- but my students are taking the AIMS test 2 weeks earlier than they did last year, which means that's 2 weeks less content I got to try and stuff into their brains.  

I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm trying not to take it personally that my proposal wasn't seriously considered.  I'm trying to avoid that square peg-round hole feeling that's growing.  All that will become easier if this crud ever loosens its grip on me.  Tomorrow is my third full day on the antibiotic, and I'm hoping for a breakthrough.

acathartic

That's probably not even a word.  But it's how I'm feeling, here at my mother's house, coming to the end of my stay here.  I feel accomplished, even though the inventory is barely begun: there are no more hidden caches of anything, here, now.  Accompanied by various siblings over my stay, we've excavated closets, chests, dressers, file cabinets, innumerable boxes and bags - and (just me) the attic, from where I heaved (many) bags and boxes of yarn, and books, and other unbreakables, feeling like the Grinch who had packed up the Who's Christmas quite thoroughly so he could heave it up the chimney.

It's quite a bit of work to excavate all that, but then another entirely to actually work through it all and dispose of it, sorting the good into piles and the recyclables one way and the trash another.  I am very pleased that anyone walking into the house would have no idea that any of that went on, unless he or she happened to see the piles of bagged trash and boxes of recycling ready to go out.  My timing there was lousy, although I did manage to get 9 bags of trash picked up this morning.  That leaves 6 to go, plus the recycling.  There's nothing I can do about that, so I just tucked it into one of the bedrooms where it's not in anyone's way.  I concede that's it's far from lovely, but so be it.

I wonder if I am emotionally defective, though, because I'm not finding this in the least bit difficult.  It is really surprisingly easy for me to throw things away, when they're my own things, and I'm not having any more difficulty here.  I can scan something written, or take a photo, and then I know I'll be able to access the memory, and that's really all I need.  (Never mind that I am bringing home an extra suitcase; that's mostly my mother's Nativity scene, which is a lot bigger than I remembered it being.)  In this, I am very different from my sisters, who were with me here today as we slogged through an incredible amount of saved paper.

Mostly I feel as if I've done some good. Once everyone has claimed what they want, we can have an estate sale and get the house cleaned out.  All this will make things so much easier when it's time to put the house on the market.  I have a breathless, "Oh!" reaction to the idea of selling this house, letting the reality of never coming back here sink in, but then that moment passes.  I'm busy.  My kids are growing up,  I have a lot going on, and my days of having 6-7 week vacations on Cape Cod are over.  C'est la vie.

told ya

The meeting was a waste of time, of course.  No one had anything productive to say one way or another, just some vague sniping ("Don't we do this already?") and no one was willing to go out on a limb with me and say the grading burden is unmanageable... until we were on our way out to our cars after the meeting was adjourned.  Then I heard, "Wow, it would be great if they would drop the requirement for 8th grade next year."  Gee, maybe if you had said that at the meeting and given the district reps the impression that you agree with my proposal?  All that ended up happening was kicking the can down the road to April 1, for some reason no one could clearly articulate.  The decision is, of course, not up to us, and the initial word is, "I doubt that will happen. We were founded with the idea that would do science fair,"  which is of course the best reason to do a science fair, ever!

I won't go so far as to say everything is backwards, but our curriculum development starts and ends with standards, and standards are not objectives.  If we're not specifying what it is we want our students to learn, we're wasting everyone's time with random stuff that has no purpose (like the science fair.)

There was some other interesting/vaguely disturbing news about new textbooks next year, which I'm still processing, but mostly I'm just trying to put it all out of mind since I can't do anything about it.  I'm burnt out and already feeling negative, and the tail end of this illness is hanging on and making me crazy.  I wasted enough time on it, and I feel I should've known better than to try.

Way too much work to do, no motivation to do it.  Not a good combination.

tall poppy

Tomorrow is my meeting with the district science people, with 20 minutes set aside for my proposal.  I have literally no idea how it will go.  The email with the agenda implied we could actually make a decision, and that surprised me.  Perhaps it's true.

I don't want to be perceived as an agitator, but there's a pretty good chance that's where I'm headed.  I'm distressed because two teachers that I had expected to be allies have decided not to come back next year, and so I am feeling very much alone.  No one has given me any feedback on my proposal at all so far, even though they've had it for almost two weeks.  I just hope they've read it.

Meanwhile, I did nothing but sleep after school all last week and Saturday.  My fever finally broke Thursday night but I still have residual crud.  I'm trying to wean myself off all the medication but then I end up swimming in post-nasal drip and dealing with an annoying little tickle in my throat all day long -- guess I'll go back on the meds at least for the meeting tomorrow.

Of course I still have all that work to do: grading, writing, my Reading to Learn in Science course, and very little energy after school to do any of it.  Being sick is the worst!

Amazing to think that a week from Friday I'm flying out. Time to clear the deck of all those tasks!

sick

Monday after school a fever and related crud settled on me, and I haven't been able to shake it yet.  I'm on a steady diet of mucinex+cough suppressant and ibuprofen that are keeping me relatively comfortable, but my voice is horrible and I feel horrid.  The flu is sweeping through Arizona at an alarming rate, it's remarkable how many students we have absent.

Of course I've gone to work every day in spite of being sick because writing sub plans is miserable and getting substitute teachers is difficult.  Plus both classes had labs scheduled which they can't do with a sub, so, there's me at school, even though I'm sick.  Hoping that resting up this weekend will help me kick this thing.  Sleeping four hours after school every day doesn't seem to be doing the trick quite yet.

springtime everywhere but in my heart...

I wonder when I am going to feel like I can relax, like everything and everyone is OK.  I feel as if I have not been in that state for so long I can't remember what it's like.

It is absolutely gorgeous here, in the mid-80s every afternoon.  Technically it's too warm for this time of year, but I'll take it.  Especially after last weekend's trip to Savannah for my niece's wedding.  My brother-in-law and his wife rented a gorgeous mansion and we all stayed there, and Savannah is a lovely little city.  But it was unseasonably cold there, with the high temperatures in the 40s.  I had looked at the forecast and knew it was going to be colder, but somehow I didn't think it was going to be that cold.  I'm sure the humidity there made it feel worse to me than it was, but I don't think I felt warm the whole time I was away, unless I was snuggled under the covers of the enormous four-poster bed in our room. (There was a little 2-step stair to help get into and out of the bed!)

The wedding was small, simple, and beautiful, and we had a wonderful time.  It was great being with all of DH's family, too -- we so seldom get to see them, and this is probably only the second or third time we've ever all gotten together. It's always a little sad when we leave family, because I like being with them so much, and then we come home to AZ where we don't have any relatives even in the same time zone.  I know, I know -- it was our choice to come here, and I wouldn't move unless I absolutely had to -- but sometimes I wish at least some family would join us out here!

Our travel both to and from Savannah was delayed by mechanical issues and weather, so we got home very late on Monday (the holiday), and then stayed up later to watch the Gravity Falls series finale that DD and I had awaited for months now.  We told ourselves we were too wound up to sleep, and that was probably true, but in retrospect I wish I had tried.

I stayed up even later, really, working on my curriculum proposal for my district meeting on March 1.  Then I stayed up late again working on my grading, and a lesson plan for my formal observation.  I am not happy with my principal's evaluation of me, and I'm trying to shrug it off, but part of being exhausted and strung out all the time means I have no emotional resilience.  Everything feels like a kick in the head and I can't just shake it off.

On top of all this -- more likely, because of all this -- I'm in a flare and feel like I've been hit by a truck.  Or I could, like apparently half of my school, be coming down with the flu, but so far so good, I don't have any other symptoms.  My hands are the worst, which makes me think it's a flare.  If I'd been eating wheat I'd have that to blame, but I haven't been (until today, when I had both a slice of fruit cake and a half a small spicy Italian panini -- both totally worth the consequences.)  Along with all that, I'm taking my NSAIDs so (if history is any guide) I shouldn't get any worse.

I'm booked for my trip back east in March to help inventory Mom's home.  We still have to book our summer flights.  I have a ton of grading to do, and I'm supposed to write my intro and revise my lit review this week.  I'd also like to do the next unit of my Reading to Learn in Science MOOC I'm taking through Stanford, and I have to coordinate with the other grade level teachers to arrange their visits to my classroom.  Thankfully there's literally nothing weird scheduled this week so there's actually a chance I could get this all done!

This weekend is DS2's belated birthday celebration.  He turned 15 in Savannah. We''re having his friends sleep over tonight so we can head out bright and early for the Renaissance Festival tomorrow. DH is on the fence about this; DS2 received two deficiency notices (humane letters and French, arguably the 2 subjects he finds easiest), and is now in mandatory tutoring/study hall every day after lunch as a result.  He seems, ever so slowly, to be finally getting the idea of what he should be doing.

DD had appointments with her college counselor and the doctor yesterday.  She's feeling a lot better already but we want to make sure she continues that upward trend.   One of my sisters said, with teens, there's three things that can happen: one, they can become arrogant and narcissistic; two, their self-esteem can crater for no discernible reason, or three, they can fall into the "it's not going to happen to me" category and take unnecessary risks as a result.  I suppose it's possible that all three could happen at the same time, because sometimes arrogance masks low self-esteem.  I am not a big proponent of the fake self-esteem thing where "everyone wins!"  I hate that.  But I also hate that my beautiful, talented, smart, funny daughter has apparently no idea how wonderful she is.  So we're working on that, and I'm happy that she's at last being honest with us.

too soon to be hopeful

Today was only mildly wretched.  I am emotionally and physically exhausted, but:

- I made the spectrascopes for my 7th graders and they came out awesome.

- I had an excellent conversation with DS2 about his most recent reading assignment.  This will be a daily occurrence from now on.

- I heard back from DS2's teacher regarding his grade and it seems that there is a bit of upside potential there if he can demonstrate he actually did the work he has been docked for not doing.  He's bringing in a printout of his paper with the revision history that shows he actually did start with a rough draft and edit it.  Here's hoping he recovers those lost points.

- DS2 had a spectacular piano lesson.  He has finally started practicing the way his teacher asks him, and he's finally doing all the things she asks him to do, like using the metronome. She is thrilled with how well he's doing, as am I -- perhaps this newfound respect for a teacher's directions will filter over to his school-life?

- Another great conversation with DD wherein she finally, finally talked about the confused jumble of thoughts her brain becomes when she "fails," by which she means gets less than A.  Knowing there's a problem is the first step in treating it, right?

Data analysis proceeds apace -- I entered 111 student surveys into SurveyMonkey, but you only get 100 for free.  Guess I'll pony up the $26 for a month's access.

Not an easy day at all, today, but overall a good one.

back to the crunch...

My students may be done with the science fair, but I'm not.

I want to present the unit at my district meeting and recommend we roll it out district-wide, integrated into the seventh grade curriculum.  The only problem with that is, my district meeting is set for March 1.  So in order for this to be given any kind of consideration, I need to write it up at least somewhat coherently this week and get it out to all the interested parties.

Sheesh.  Just when I thought I could relax.

I need some data to back up my recommendations, and I have grades from last year and this, so that's one perspective.  But I wanted feedback from students and parents, too, so I put together two surveys last night, one for the parents online, and one for the students, on paper.  I administered the paper surveys today and will spend time tomorrow tallying them.  Fortunately SurveyMonkey has great analysis tools for the online survey, if only the parents would click through and respond!

On top of that, we're heading to Savannah this weekend for our niece's wedding, so I'll be missing school Friday.  That means sub plans, which always have to be excruciatingly detailed -- finished those tonight.  I also meant to make spectroscopes for my 7th graders out of the refraction grating I bought, but I didn't get to that.

It was just one of those days.  DD has really been struggling with optimization in calculus for the last week or so and today she just had a complete meltdown.  She called me at work (nothing quite grips the heart as seeing your child's school pop up in the caller ID on your own classroom phone -- Everyone knows they shouldn't be calling me here, during school hours...) and I told her of course she could go home.  She slept, and spent an hour on the phone with her brother, and feels better.  I hope.

So that was worrying, and something that hadn't happened before, so we'll have to keep an eye on her.  She puts so much pressure on herself to get all As.  It makes no sense.

What really derailed tonight was getting yet another round of deficiency notices for DS2.  Hey, we're not going to give back any assignments or give you any feedback at all until we tell you you're in danger of failing!  That's a seriously wrong model of education, and it's the one thing I would change about my kids' school if I could.

I spent about 45 minutes composing an email to his humane letters teacher basically telling him I don't buy it.  Don't tell me my kids is failing because he missed 2 reading checks, which are only supposed to be part of the participation grade!  We'll see what happens there, but here, it was horrible, because I completely lost any hope of the kid developing any sense of self-control while he has electronics in his possession, so I took them all away, even his phone.

He says he wants to stay at his school.  He says he'll do all the work now, since he doesn't have anything else to do, except piano and reading.  We'll see.  My heart is broken again for the millionth time over this.  I wish I could be hopeful, but I'm not.

It's just too bad that this is coming before our long weekend away, too.  It'll be casting its shadow over everything for quite a while.   Adding the last straw to my already overburdened psyche?  DD and I watched this week's episode of the X-Files, and let's just say Scully's situation hit way too close to home for me.

Now it's very late, again, and it's Ash Wednesday.  Can I give up being upset for Lent?

a night off...

Finally!

I spent the day trying not to be nervous and failing.  The doctor was in surgery this morning when I called, so I just left a message to call after 3:30.  I kept my phone glued to my side but 4,5, and 6 o'clock came and went with no call, so I figured I'd talk to him tomorrow.

He called at 6:45PM.

There was some confusion because the imaging people inexplicably sent over the results of the biopsy they did four years ago, but the real news is that the lymph node mapping came back fine.

Now I can cancel my ultrasound in March and make plans to go out to Massachusetts instead!

I can't shake the feeling that there's something going on in there that will catch up to me eventually, but I'm used to that one.   I decided some time ago that I can't put anything on hold because of all the what if scenarios I imagine based on my wretched history.  If it happens, I'll deal with it then.  For now, I'm good.

I'm not doing any school work of any kind tonight. I also plan to sleeeeeeep.

(In spite of my nerves and exhaustion, the dry ice observations with the 8th graders went very well.  The only bummer was having to go to 3 different stores to find one with the dry ice in stock.  Next time I'll call first.)

moving along

Science fair was yesterday.  I had a lot of help and things went very smoothly, for once.  No drama!  I like that.

Not so nice, today, my ENT called me to give me the results of the ultrasound I had on January 6 (!).  The doctor himself called, and left a message for me to call back.  Of course when I called back 5 minutes later the office was closed, so now I have to wait until my prep hour to call in the morning and hope I can get some kind of news.  I am a bit freaked out.  If it were nothing, wouldn't that call be delegated to his nurse?

Tomorrow's dry ice day with the 8th graders and it's way too late.  But I designed a new worksheet for them, and I finished the first lesson of the MOOC I'm taking at Stanford on Reading to Learn in Science.  I just wished that deadline hadn't been quite so close to the actual science fair.

I've been catching naps on and off since getting home this afternoon, so I'm not as dead as I could be (should be).  Let's hope I've managed to accumulate enough rest minutes that tomorrow isn't dreadful.

the inexorable march of days

Present
I feel caught up in the sweep of the tide of time.  The hours go by whether or not I want to participate.  I have huge swathes of time where I am productive and to all appearances "normal," mostly through the early hours of the day, through work, through dinner time.  It's after dinner, especially in the late evening when I should be getting ready for bed, that the sadness falls on me again.  Some days it's worse than others, like this past weekend after a conversation with one of my siblings made everything seem raw, as if no time had passed at all.  Then I'm useless.  I should grade papers, do lesson plans, answer emails, but all I can do is stare at the wall or (endlessly, aimlessly) surf the web because thinking hurts.

I realized that my problem is I am struggling to come to grips with a reality I simply do not want to recognize.  Eventually, I'll get used to it, but I don't want to get used to it, and just typing that makes me angry.  This is not to say I've reached the "anger" stage of the grieving process.  I'm not angry that my mother's dead, I don't begrudge her the peace she dearly earned.  I'm just (mentally) thrashing around because there is no power that can change this and I just have to deal and I'm really, really bad at dealing with tragic disappointment.

I am lucky because I've had so few instances to deal with.  When my father died, I was devastated but I had an infant to care for, and there's nothing so hopeful and busy-making as an 11-month-old baby.  And God bless my father but the relationship I had with him was not like the one I had with my mother.  He was not woven so thoroughly into my daily life.  I told DH that I have this mental file of things I store to tell Mom, and it's still there, and it will probably always be there, now and forever overflowing because I'm never going to be able to talk to her (in a two-way conversation, anyway) in this life again.

That's not the only hole in my life, though.  I feel mostly disconnected from my whole family, now, like Pluto in its distant orbit, demoted to a dwarf planet.  While Mom was alive, we all had routines of when we'd call her and when we'd call each other.  When Mom entered hospice and one of us with her 24/7, I could call any time, any day, and try to ease the burden a bit by providing company, even if it was long distance.  Now all of our routines are out and everyone is in the same situation, trying to figure out our lives in this new Mom-less world.

I could call but then I get sad and thinking hurts and I don't want to talk so I don't call, propagating a vicious cycle of loneliness.  I adore my games of Words With Friends because I imagine them like strands of spider-silk binding me to my sister.  No one else probably thinks that way, but to me they're still a connection, however wispy.

(Recent) Past
I have a sense of having survived the holidays.  I should post some photos; we got a new tree, and DD decorated the house again and everything looked lovely.  I did the whole buy-all-the-gifts, do-all-the-cooking thing, for the most part, because that's what we've always done and I do enjoy it, but this year, oh -- it was all through a gray fog for me, and no one seemed to notice and that was fine because I just wanted the kids to have a normal Christmas -- up until New Year's Eve when we were driving home from California in a rental car because the van died on CA91 in Riverside (RIP, Bessie), when all that self-control just cracked and I broke down nearly as thoroughly as the van.

I guess not, though.  You don't repair blown head gaskets in vans that are 16 years old with 175,000 miles on them. (Why, you may ask, did we drive the old car to CA?  Because the service center assured us it was in perfect condition, having just completed the 27-point safety check and knowing we'd kept up the maintenance.  I don't even want to think about how much money we put into keeping the van up just so we could eke a few more years out of it, only to have it just... die.)  I feel similarly finished but manage to keep going anyway.  If I felt this horrid all the time I'd look into treatment for depression, but it only gets me at night, and I'm still pretty much completely functional.
Disneyland was unbelievably packed but a total blast.  I don't think I took a single photo while we were there but I did post a few to facebook: I actually went on (now called) HyperSpace Mountain with DH and really enjoyed it.  That was a major accomplishment, because I was terrified before hand.  The great thing about being at Disneyland is that we were so busy I didn't have much time to think, and I slept like a rock because we were doing so much walking around.  Plus it was cold, so we dressed in layers, but crawling under the covers and getting truly warm was wonderful at the end of each day.

Physically I'm perhaps even more of a mess than I am emotionally.  Still hearing that tinnitus in my right ear, and today that under-the-jaw thing, whatever it is, has been absolutely killing me, and ibuprofen is only barely taking the edge off.  It is very distracting having such a noticeable pain!  My diet has been horrendous and I am now trying to break myself of the sugar/carb addiction I've let myself fall into.  Too many of my students gave me sweets, bless them.  Next year: much more discipline with the indulging.  I feel fat even though I'd be willing to bet that no one else can even tell I gained a few pounds.  My reflux had been doing better until this afternoon when I torpedoed myself by having 1) a cup of coffee and 2) way too many Trader Joe's cheese puffs.  (Mindless eating while on hold... not a good scenario.)   Back to square one, which is limiting all carbs as much as possible until that heals.

I had an ultrasound of this neck thing last Wednesday. The radiologist was going to request the imaging studies from Banner MDA in October for comparison and decide if I need to go back in for a biopsy.  (At this point I kind of just want to jam a needle into it and drain it, but I'm pretty sure that's not a recommended procedure.)  For the first time I ever, I asked the technician if I could see the images when she was done.  She was surprised but said yes, but also told me she wasn't going to read them.  I explained that I've seen enough ultrasounds to know what a cancerous node looks like (you can't go by size, a better indicator is shape:firm, fixed, rounded; extensive blood vessels rather than just the little blips that are typical, and calcifications which show up like white spots.)  The cool thing is, I didn't see anything that looked like that, but I admit, I glanced pretty quickly since I didn't want to take up too much of the technician's time.  Still waiting on the results, but hoping to hear by the end of the week -- I don't think I'm stressed about it, but that's probably just denial on my part.

The Future!

First up, and probably contributing to my acid reflux: science fair, just three weeks out.   I absolutely cannot wait for it to be over.  Shortly after, we're going to Savannah GA for a niece's wedding. In June, we're heading to MA for a nephew's wedding.  We may stay in MA for some extra time so DD can look at colleges in the Boston area other than MIT, where she has set her heart, but we haven't made any plans yet.  I want to hear about this neck thing first, and then I need to really decide whether or not to move to the new campus my charter school is opening in the fall.  It will be literally 5 minutes from my house and only 2 miles away from the kids' school (for the 3 years they'll still be there...) and DH has told me he wants me to do it, but I am struggling with leaving my team.  I love them.  I've worked with a lot of people over the years and this is the finest group of people I have ever worked with.  My team lead assured me that they'll still be around and we can get together, etc, but it won't be the same.  I just have to decide if I have any professional ambitions at all right now, or if I just want to stay and be comfortable.

There's this feeling that as soon as I finish my Master's program, I'm going to be restless.  I'm finishing up the project this semester, taking my last 2 science classes over the summer (history of science, philosophy of biology [just typing that makes me so happy!  I will have stacks of reading but it's summer and I know I am going to love love love these classes]) so then next fall literally all I will have left is my thesis defense.  So, if I'm helping to open a new school and being team lead for a bunch of newbie junior high teachers, I should be able to handle it, right?

Sometimes I feel invincible.  Now is not one of those times.

ahhhh...

A little sigh of relief.

Today was the first day of my winter break.  I was out from 11am to 6pm, so it wasn't a lazing-around-the-house kind of day, but it was still a good one.

Last week did me in.  I had developed a cold the week before, and that just didn't help.  It wasn't bad at first, but by the middle of last week, my voice was shot, and it  still isn't right.

Most of that is on me.  I was supposed to finish up my paper over the weekend  and it just didn't happen.  Too much Christmas, family, school stuff happening.  Too much feeling overwhelmed by all of it this year.  Too much feeling this huge emptiness where Mom should be.

Which is not to say things didn't get done.  For example, I found and printed the photos to put into the photo frame ornaments I bought for my siblings.  I did some Christmas shopping.  And food shopping.  And laundry.  And cooking...  I really should not go to the farmer's market if I am not on vacation.

Things got done but not the paper, which was due on Wednesday.  I stayed up incredibly late several nights running getitng it together.  It was supposed to be only 15 pages with at least 10 references but it just got out of hand. (22 pages [not counting the title page and abstract, mind you], 4 pages of references) I should explain, this is not just "a paper," it's the literature review for my non-thesis project.  Having never done a literature review before, I was cheerfully naive about what they entailed before taking this last course.  The entire purpose of said course was to teach how to read and write a literature review, and then to help us write them for our theses or non-thesis projects.  My non-thesis project is kind of a monster, and so the lit review is, too.

Anyway, on Tuesday I realized it wasn't going to be done on Wednesday and begged for an extension, which of course my professor gave me.  I finished it about 1AM Thursday night (early Friday morning) or maybe even later.   Of course I still had to work every day.  I think Monday-Thursday I got about 12 hours of sleep total.  It was not good, and it made me even sicker.

But, I wrote an awesome paper which my professor called "excellent" and she said that I am very close to being done with it, which is pretty huge.  She's totally amazing because she graded it by Saturday, which was about a 24-hour turn-around.   Plus I have an A for the class which is affirming.  I worked very hard over an incredibly difficult period but managed to stay on top of everything.  (This sounds stupid but I'm writing it anyway --) I think my Mom would be proud of me for going on with it, even though I could've dropped when things went sideways early in the fall.

So, school's out until January, grad class is over, kids are done with recitals and piano for 2 weeks.  Christmas shopping is done (unless I decide to get that one last thing for the boys), and some of it is even wrapped.  The fridge is stuffed with food and I don't have to go out again if I don't want to...

Except tomorrow morning, when we're seeing Star Wars: TFA at the odd hour of 10AM.  I'm spoiler-free and looking forward to it.  I'm working on resting and recovering.

Right, back to today's massive outing; a good part of that was an appointment with Dr. O, whom I have not seen in quite a while.  First off, the cold has morphed into a disgusting infection (confirmed when he scoped me), so I'm on anitbiotics plus Mucinex to keep the mucus thin and draining.  (That should help my voice.)  I went chiefly about my right ear tinnitus and the weird pain I get from under my jaw line where those glands are swollen.  I thought they felt weird and so did he, so he's sending me for an ultrasound and possible FNA if it's something suspicious.  He thinks the tinnitus is a vascular side effect of the nodes, which makes sense to me.  Oh, and he confirmed that the lumpy-throat feeling is because of my reflux, it's got my esophagus irritated again. I suppose I should not be eating sriracha potato chips if I'm having reflux.  I'll do as best I can to get the reflux settled but over the holidays it's really hard to stick to a good diet.  Lately I've been living chiefly on Starbucks soy milk peppermint mochas and various Christmas candy given to me by my students.

Astoundingly generous, they were, this year.  Of course I still have nearly 200, so that partly explains the huge haul of stuff I got.

After Star Wars, perhaps I will grade some of those (many, many) papers?  I tell myself I'll have hours in the car to & from California (Disneyland!) that can be used for that, but I don't want to have it hanging over my head.  All the cards and presents have been sent, all the shopping is done, now I can just sit home, relax, and get some grading done... after DD and I finish watching Avatar: The Last Airbender.  We only have a half-dozen or so episodes to go, and we are thoroughly enjoying the fantastic characters, beautiful art direction, and occasional silliness, but best of all, the most coherent magical world-building of any story we (collectively) know.  Tolkien's magic is impenetrable, Harry Potter's is secret (which, as much as I love it all,  is stupid), and everyone else's is just ... weak, or perhaps opaque or just too incompletely revealed to be as engaging.  At least, that's what we decided in our conversation this evening!

odd day

It seems I only pop in to write when I'm at my wit's end, these days, these months.  Too much to do and not enough time to do it in.

All that is still true.  On the plus side of things: DD's Shakespeare performance was terrific, and both kids played well in their holiday recital last weekend.  My professor liked the first half of my paper very much, so that means I only have about 8 pages or so to write, and I have another whole week to do that, along with putting together my presentation.  The new Christmas tree is so different from the old one that it still surprises me, but it is really beautiful, and DD Christmas'd up the whole house again, which is just lovely.

On the working-on-it side of things, DS2's inadequate school skills and general dodginess landed him in trouble for the last time, so now his computer's downstairs in the family room and I grill him about everything coming due and stay on him about doing it.  I managed to avoid having the same failed expectations conversation for twenty-first time by simply deciding not to have it.  I gave him a 2-week shot at managing his own affairs, and he didn't.  Whether he can't or just won't is immaterial. If he wants to stay at his current school, he has to do the work.  There is no point in keeping him there if he's not even going to try. He doesn't want to switch schools, though.  He admitted his own school "could be good if only...' if only what? "...if I tried."  We'll see.

Today's personal drama started yesterday after school, when I got drafted to attend a meeting.  Then this morning I had to report the directives from that meeting to my peers.  All of that's OK except our admin hasn't been her usual positive self lately, and after being harangued not to be "lazy," (we all were group-chastised)  I knew I had to tread carefully.  And I thought I did!  But I didn't, and there's no point recounting the dialog, because that's not the point.

Here's what happened: with about 30 minutes left in my prep hour, I realized I needed literally 2 pages of one version of my midterm exam because there was a problem with the copies.  So I went up to the office and made my two copies, and then got called into the admin's office.  I really did not want to talk to her because I was confused by the discussion at the morning meeting and still thinking about everything and trying to figure out what exactly we are supposed to be doing now and how that works with our mission, which we generally adhere to pretty well.  So I tried to say, could we do this later?  But I was told no, and then things got very weird.

There was the back-and-forth about the meeting stuff, and I just flat out disagree with her judgment -  I did not see the point of raising a junior high specific question in a meeting that had already run over an hour, when I was literally the only person at the table who was interested in the answer.  We kept talking past each other, but it got to the point where I expressed how overwhelmed I am following the death of my mother.  Of course, tears at this point, not sobbing, just leaking eyes and not wanting to talk anymore, but having, of course, to talk more.  I say, quite clearly that nearly 200 students is overwhelming, and that's when it got bizarre.  My admin said, If you want 30 students in a class, find another school.

It's still echoing around in my head now, more than 13 hours later.

Well.  At the time, I was shocked but I stood up and said, "I will," and turned to go.  She called me back and wouldn't let me go, and told me what a great teacher I am, blah blah blah.

All of this was just so upsetting.  She kept me 10 minutes past the bell -- my students were waiting out in the hall because I had locked my door before I left my room -- my midterm exams were all laid out, getting ready for tomorrow, and I didn't want anyone walking in and finding them.

I'm finally released from this trying encounter and of course still very upset, when I'm told to have a great day, and I respond with, "Oh...."  I had just been crying and talking about how overwhelmed I feel, and now I have to go back to my students and I'm told I will have a great day and I have to choose my attitude blah blah blah.

I am a professional.  I got my shit together on the walk back to my classroom and not one student had any idea I had just been crying in the principal's office and basically told to find another job. And I got through the rest of the day, too, somehow.   My co-workers are as flummoxed about this morning's meeting as I was, and of course wanted to know where I was when I was so late for third period class.

What a mess! I don't think it's a good idea to make a decision when you're under a lot of stress, and I am under a tremendous amount of stress right now.  But I think applying at another school or two isn't the worst idea in the world.  I don't know if my feelings will change but for some time I have been thinking that teaching 190-something students is too many, even if I'm not in grad school.  I don't want to teach that many students, and if I have to go to another school to achieve that, that's what I'm going to have to do.

it's all too much

The first batch of my students' science fair papers, the research part, came in last Friday.  The dozen or so I've looked at so far are wretched, and I don't want to read any more, but there's nothing to be done for it.  I just need to get over my resentment and do it.  This year, however, I have resolved: no comments, just a  score.  They had an opportunity to get comments from me earlier in the year, so it's too late now.  Besides, the vast majority just don't care.

I'm so burned out. I always seem to have at least one commitment too many.  I dropped teaching RE and thought that would free me up enough, but no.  This year I'm only taking one grad class, but I'm also implementing my portfolio project, so it's more like one-and-a-half.  Then of course is the kicker: I'm teaching 197 students.  When I saw the enrollment numbers at the beginning of the year, I thought, "It will drop off."  But it didn't.  The district is giving us a "class size stipend" and it's not small, but at this point, I don't want the money.  I want the time!

If science fair were part of the regular curriculum it would be OK, I wouldn't mind grading the nearly 200 papers.  But it's in addition to the regular curriculum, and that's what's killing me.

Of course I'm still reeling from Mom's death, expected as it was.  Every day there's something that brings back the idea that she's gone.  I suppose it will get easier but it's still hard right now. I just feel like I haven't had any time to process, and God only knows when I'll get it.

Last weekend we went up to the DBG to see the Bruce Munroe exhibit, Sonoran Light.  It was spectacular, and a lovely break.  How I wish I could do that kind of thing more often!

Last but not least:

I just realized it has been 10 years since my last treatment.

breather

I'm so thankful for this holiday.

I was so far behind in my grad school work that I despaired of ever catching up.   I started clearing the deck over the weekend when I put together my reference list, but it wasn't until last night when I hammered out my updates to my annotated bibliography that I finally felt "unstuck."

Sometimes, there's work to be done, but for whatever reason, I get hung up and can't do it.  This past month and a half, there have been a lot of reasons, some to do with my brain just giving up, some with the kids needing my time, some to do with absolutely necessary teaching work coming first.  I did despair from time to time that I wouldn't come unstuck in time to actually do the work, and then what?

But today, with the luxury of a day off, I completed two smaller assignments and one rather substantial one, a big chunk of my final paper.

It helped that I was able to work in pieces.  I brought my laptop with me to the kids' orthodontist appointment, and I even worked while we waited for our table for brunch at Snooze.  Then when we got home I put the beef stew on... and got back to work.

It really helped the writing that I had printed my articles and highlighted my quotes.  The thing that surprised me was how a narrative suggested itself more or less organically from the articles themselves.  I really like it, it felt easy to write. It makes sense to me, there's a progression to it.  I hope my professor agrees!

I have no expectations as to when she'll be able to grade all of these assignments of mine.  When you turn in stuff late, you're at the mercy of the instructor, so she'll get to it when she gets to it.  I can be patient.

In spite of having that weight lifted, I'm still struggling with my acid reflux, which I suspect is caused by a return of the mild gastroparesis I had several years ago.  I did a blog crawl and found my old posts and was surprised to read that treating my cervical radiculitis cleared it up -- specifically when I was taking a therapeutic dose of ibuprofen, but also doing my neck physical therapy.  I think it is not a coincidence that my stomach started acting up after about two weeks (maybe three) of slacking on my exercises, as in, not doing them at all.  My exercise set is not very long but it's enough to keep me limber, so I'm back to trying to be consistent with that.  And I'm back to doing my neck exercises at least twice a day, in case there's nerve impingement that's causing the problem.

We'll see how it goes.  I'll continue eating smaller meals and abstaining from alcohol until I'm back to 100%.  I hope I can fix this myself.

up, down, up, down

More like a seesaw than a roller coaster, and for that, I'm grateful.

I'm still mostly better, except when I'm not, and it's difficult because I can't really tell when I'm going to be not-better.  Tiny things hit way harder than they should because I have no emotional resilience at all.

For example, I was inordinately happy to see that peppermint mochas are back at Starbucks, and had one today.  And I was really happy today through my first five periods even though 4th period was so rowdy I sent them out in the hall to settle themselves down before lecture.  (It worked.)  Mostly, things are working.  Then 6th period were their typical selves, and 7th period was herding squirrels, and in that space of about an hour and a half, I just felt myself sinking lower and lower.

Now I'm up late pulling together material for my lit review (it's supposed to be micro-sized but I've pulled like 7 articles so I don't know if that's going to be possible) for the first part of my final paper. I've got a narrative constructing itself in the back of my head, I just hope I have time to write it and make DD's birthday pie tomorrow.

I've thought about crying a few times today.  I'm sad because I wanted DS1 to stay for dinner last night but it was too late and DH took him back to his campus even though I specifically asked him to stay.  He was so mean about it! He agreed to stay but with such venom that I told him to go, there was no point in him staying if he was going to be angry.  I don't know what call he had to be so mean to me, and it was still stinging this morning.  Then this evening DH inexplicably made a phone call in the middle of a conversation -- I was mid-sentence as he began to dial, with nary a "Just a sec, I have to make this call," excuse.  I just felt like nothing.  

I told him he was rude and he apologized and gave me a hug.  He hadn't realized it had even happened, which tells me he wasn't even listening to what I was saying.  He admitted to being thoughtless, but that's not really helpful.  "Yes, I know you're talking so I'll just tune you out and do whatever..." I'm sure it happens all the time, just this time he forgot and made the phone call while he was ignoring me.

See, this is what I mean about emotional resilience.  I'm more or less looking for trouble and finding fault but these were two legit examples of me being trampled, and it hurts.

Up too late, exhausted tomorrow: not a good combination when you're as emotional as I am right now.  Ah, well -- onward.  It's not as if I have a choice.

mostly better, except...

There's always that "except", right?  Acid reflux is killing me and I'm not sure why.  I'm just trying to manage it with diet and D-limonene and wait it out.  I hate having that lump-in-the-throat feeling, but I know exactly what it is, and I have to be very careful what I eat until I'm over it.  On the plus side, I'm down to only one, maybe two hot flashes a day, a substantial improvement over (what felt like) near-continuous flashes over the past few months.  It was so odd to go from being one of those always-cold people to an always-hot person.  It helped when I was in Massachusetts but made life more miserable here in AZ.

Emotionally, I'm beginning to feel the weight of these past four months starting to lift.  I feel a bit guilty about feeling better, but I'm also too relieved to waste any energy on guilt.  Mom suffered so, it is good that she isn't in pain any more.  I feel OK most of the time, until suddenly I don't.  Yesterday in church I just completely lost it at one point.  I had no tissues so I had to wipe my eyes with my scarf.  It only lasted a few minutes, and a particular hymn triggered it (and probably always will).  I felt surprisingly all right afterwards, too.  It was like a little thunderstorm blew through and left me refreshed in its wake. I didn't realize how much I was holding in, because I just feel... normal, really.

Last week was a crazy week at school because I did the mineral identification lab with my 7th graders.  There are ~125 of them spread over 4 classes.  These are the largest classes I've attempted this with.  Most students did well on the identification, but a significant chunk (once again) resisted thinking and bailed on answering the three "Explain" questions I asked.  Sadly for them, that will have a significant impact on their lab grades.

It was also crazy because we've officially kicked off the science fair.  The more I learn the more opposed to this process I am, but here I go again.  I'm hoping that my master's project will make things go more smoothly, and overall, the proposals are 1) in -- the vast majority of students completed one and 2) relatively OK, which saves time on the grading.

I'm taking more family time, too.  First quarter grades came in and DS2 did OK but nowhere near to the level of his ability (or so we think, it's impossible to tell sometimes).   That led to several hours-long conversations about what he wants and what he feels and how he is going to manage going forward.  I want to let him do things on his own but at this point I don't think he knows how to organize, or plan, or execute a plan, at least not very well. There were bright spots but overall it's the same story of not living up to his potential.  Sadly, too, he professed frustration with all the "stupid people" he's surrounded by, so I had to set him straight on that one: every person is of the same value and deserving of respect. Every.One. 

Yesterday I went to the farmer's market before I did the grocery shopping.  I really shouldn't.  I shouldn't shop on Saturday mornings when it's gorgeous out and everything looks amazing because then I end up cooking all weekend and now I haven't put in any of my grades (they'll make it in, eventually.)  I roasted approximately 3,042 vegetables to make one medium-sized container of ratatouille.  I made up an entire box of TJ's pumpkin pancakes (spectacular, and gluten free!), and I still have to put away the chili that has been simmering since dinner (burgers & hot dogs on the grill - the rest of the package of ground beef went into the chili.)  See, I don't know where I'm going to put it because the fridge is packed right now.

Not a bad problem to have, I know.

Ah well.  Grades will have to wait until tomorrow, or whenever.   At least most of the stuff is actually graded already, it's just a matter of putting them into the gradebook.

slightly less sad, still tired

I am so exhausted when I get home every afternoon I almost always take an inadvertent (unintentional) nap before dinner.  Consequently, I'm able to be up past 11PM when I should be in bed.

Part of that exhaustion is just having too many emotions to deal with at one time, and part of it is having so much work to do.  I'm mid-way through my minerals unit with the 7th graders, and we're doing hands-on stuff every day.  They love it, but I have to be very organized, and this year, I'm just not.  We're managing anyway.  I have scaled the 8th grader's diffusion studies way back this year.  We did a little lab observing what happens to carrots over night, but I'm skipping the shelled egg osmosis demo.  I just don't want to deal with the hassles.

I don't even want to talk about my grad school work -- I'm about 2 weeks behind there.  I hope to get caught up in November when we have a couple of weeks off.  I think that should be possible.

Physically I feel OK except by this time I'm feeling like a truck hit me; I'm not moving around enough.  My eye is still giving me a lot of trouble, even with more regular use of better eye drops.  I do hope it gets better.  And most recently I think my reflux is back, I'm having trouble swallowing and my throat hurts.  I think I have to give up my strained yogurt along with coffee to really straighten things out.

One more week to hear about my tumor marker.   I would really like this testing cycle to be over.

sad & tired

Inexplicably, a lyric from Jesus Christ Superstar is floating through my brain, from the Agony in the Garden song: "Then, I was inspired.  Now, I'm sad and tired.  After all, I tried for three years, seems like 30..."

I think it make sense on some levels.  We - me, my own family, my siblings and their families - have been witnesses to my mother's gradual decline over the past five years, and then of course her precipitous fall over the past three months.  Seems like 30...

That constant worry is a part of us, and unraveling it and letting it go is going to take some time.

I took today off from school.  Monday and Tuesday I kept it together, but barely.  I ended up staying past 6PM yesterday getting my sub plans and materials in place, just so I could have a day, today, to rest and recover.

But now at 8PM I feel as sad and tired as ever.  I slept in until 10:30 this morning, and that surely helped.  I accomplished many small tasks and had a nice lunch out with DD.  I attended my NAU class and faked my way through the discussions of the three long readings, which I had merely skimmed, but I was fortunately able to contribute to some of the other discussions.  My professor understands and has told me to take all the time I need, but I just feel everything simultaneously piling up while time slips away.

My to-do list is outrageously long, and I have no idea when I'll be caught up, if ever.  I had planned on doing a bunch of stuff over break which basically didn't happen.  I'm so thankful for whatever strength of character I had that made me grade those papers, because sitting here at home, I don't think I'd ever get to them, undermining the entire purpose of my project.  (That being: actionable and timely feedback.)

I'm sort of neglecting my own little family right now -- the kids are on fall break so they don't really need me.  They seem content with whatever dinner I manage to pull out of the freezer.  I'm prioritizing my teaching work -- lesson planning and materials, etc -- which means grad school stuff comes last. And sleep last of all, but I really have to cut that out.  Even having slept till 10:30 this morning I still feel like I haven't slept in a week.

Two more days till the weekend.  We'll see how it goes.

exhausted

Mom's funeral was on Saturday.  We flew out Thursday and arrived at her house late, but not so late that everyone was in bed, and ended up staying up too late even though we were all very tired.  Three of my four brothers were there, and the cousins from Louisiana were good company for my kids.  Friday we were up early to bank errands and then I spent hours and hours sorting through Mom's jewelry.

When you are 88 years old and rarely get rid of anything, you accumulate a lot of stuff.  Plus, Mom had a habit of just stuffing things here and there, not necessarily where anyone would expect to find them.  So I went through both closets in her room (hers & Dad's), and both dressers (hers & Dad's) and found innumerable interesting and somewhat valuable things; 7 boxes of mint proof sets.  Seven tins of coins, including a whole tin of wheat pennies and another of silver dimes and nickels.  An enormous box of first day issue stamps.  And so much jewelry!  Her personal taste was very modern as evidenced in the pieces she bought (or commissioned) for herself.  Then there were all the more conventional pieces that others had given her, plus countless pieces of costume stuff that merely fun, or sometimes just odd.  I took a break mid-day to have lunch at Bleu with the family, just to get out of the house.  We ended up staying up very late again, because there was so much to talk about with each other.  It rained most of the day.

Saturday was clear and cold in that way travel writers always call "brisk", cool but not too cold.  The service was lovely.  I cried so many times. Every time I saw another old friend, the tears just came so easily.  I accomplished my reading without crying.  It was a very good reading, Wisdom 3:1-9:

The souls of the righteous are in the hand of God, no torment shall touch them. They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead; and their passing away was thought an affliction and their going forth from us, utter destruction. But they are in peace. For if to others, indeed, they seem punished, yet is their hope full of immortality; Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed, because God tried them and found them worthy of himself. As gold in the furnace, he proved them, and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself. In the time of their judgment they shall shine and dart about as sparks through stubble;They shall judge nations and rule over peoples, and the LORD shall be their King forever.  Those who trust in him shall understand truth, and the faithful shall abide with him in love: Because grace and mercy are with his holy ones, and his care is with the elect.

We walked from the church to the grave site, taking turns carrying the beautiful blue urn of Mom's ashes.  The service there was simple and lovely, too.  Then we all walked back to the church for a reception in their basement hall, where we had held Dad's.  My sister had handled all the catering and everything was lovely.  So many people!

When we got home, my siblings and I retired to the downstairs kitchen for our meeting.  We worked well together deciding many things.  For all the high emotions these past few months, the weekend was remarkably smooth.

Stayed up way too late again on Saturday night, playing poker (with Mom's pennies!) and talking with the kids.  Two hours of sleep later, I was up again, and we were on the road to the airport.  We were a bit tight, time-wise, but made it, and the flight was smooth, easy.  I slept for the first three hours and finished my grading during the rest of it.  It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did it.

Then Sunday -- no nap, too much to do to get ready for school on Monday.  Then Monday, stayed up late again, because I got nothing done over break.  But I decided then to take Wednesday off, so of course I had to stay late again today to prepare everything for the substitute.  But that's OK, because tomorrow I can sleep in and hopefully unwind a little.  I could feel myself getting ready to snap a few times over the past couple of days.

I need to sleep.  I need to get used to the idea of Mom being gone, even though she has been sort of, mostly, gone for weeks now -- really since I took her to the hospital in June.  But this is different.  No matter what the brain knows, the way I knew Mom wasn't going to get better, the heart hopes. Having to let go of my heart's hope is not easy.

all clear & paradoxically feeling worse

My two CT scans (chest, and head & neck) were unremarkable.  That is to say, the same exact anomalies seen last year are still present in the same places but they are exactly the same size so there's nothing to worry about, cancer-wise.  At least until my thyroglobulin numbers come back in from California, which won't be until the end of the month.  Anyway, I have a clean bill of health and the doctor reminded me to take the endomethacin he prescribed for the inflammation I have in my collar bone joints.  I can't remember whether I took it before and if I did, what happened, but I'll give it a shot.  Inflammation of a basically immobile joint is not the type of thing that responds well to physical therapy.

Now that's over with, and on the eve of heading back East for Mom's funeral services, I'm feeling entirely overwhelmed.  I've been pushing everything off for days and now I don't have anything more pressing to think about.

In other news, I was hit in the eye by a water-filled balloon (not a "regular" water balloon of the type that breaks if you look at it wrong) last Wednesday, and my eye has been killing me ever since.  I went to the eye doctor yesterday and she basically said that the generic eye drops I was using were useless and gave me some Systane, which is helping a lot, but she said it's going to be sore for a while even though there is no sign of anything seriously wrong.  It's just traumatized.

I felt pretty good about being caught up on my schoolwork, but then realized I'd skipped a chapter and a written assignment for tonight's class, but that's probably OK because I did present my literature review work-in-progress which everyone was impressed with.  Eh.  If I weren't going through so much right now I'd have more done and feel better about it, but I can't change the way things are.  I'm just so swamped now -- lots of reading for next week, plus I still have to read my students' research paragraphs... and there's no time.

two down, one to go

My whole body scan was negative.  Completely clear, which was very nice after last year's "blip" and the continuous annoying pain I'm having in my collar bone (and now, up under my right ear).  Apparently, whatever is going on, it's not thyroid-cancer-y enough to show up on the WBS even after nearly three weeks of the low iodine diet.

Last week was so horrible I'm amazed I survived it.  Mom's death was the worst of it, but I had commitments, both personal and professional, that I had to keep.  Driving up to the hospital in Phoenix 4 out of 5 days was just exhausting, especially as most of the trips were in the after school, and therefore rush hour, time frame. But Thursday, my day off from the hospital, was parent-teacher conferences, from 8AM to 6PM and I barely had time to breathe.  We had an hour for lunch from noon to one, and really needed it.  The one good thing I can say is, the day flew by, and no one came in with a grievance.  I managed.

Yesterday I caught up on grading and lesson planning while doing my colonoscopy prep.  Ten years has done a lot of good in the colonoscopy world, as the prep last time literally made me sick and I was completely miserable.  This year's prep was much more manageable, and although I did have to use the bathroom sometimes every 10 minutes, I didn't have the horrible abdominal pains I had last time.   This morning my procedure was scheduled for 6:30am and DH was driving me home by 7:15.  Everything in there is completely healthy, no issues at all.  Once home,  I slept until 11, and then spent some time cleaning and a whole huge chunk of time pulling photos for a memory board for my mother's services on Saturday.

So now that's done, I have tomorrow clear to catch up on my grad school work.  I have several articles to read and I have to start mapping my literature review.  I have already done preliminary research and have a ton of articles to go through.  It would be better to take my time going through it, but I'm scheduled to present my work-in-progress on Wednesday, and I don't want to put it off.

And I can't actually plan on doing any productive work on Wednesday, since I'll be up at Banner M. D. Anderson for bloodwork, CT scans, and then an appointment with my head and neck cancer guy there to see what he thinks is going on.  Maybe this thing in my collarbone/shoulder is just scar tissue, and maybe the problem in my right neck is just muscle spasms or a reactive node... see, I can come up with plausible explanations for just about anything.  Still, I'd like that pain to stop.  I'm really, really hoping it's not a recurrence that needs action, and I'm vaguely, minimally encouraged by the negative WBS.  WBS are not the best for picking up residual cancer in lymph nodes, as my surgeon at MDA in Houston demonstrated.  Well.  By this time on Wednesday, I'll know.