Tuesday, November 03, 2015

up, down, up, down

More like a seesaw than a roller coaster, and for that, I'm grateful.

I'm still mostly better, except when I'm not, and it's difficult because I can't really tell when I'm going to be not-better.  Tiny things hit way harder than they should because I have no emotional resilience at all.

For example, I was inordinately happy to see that peppermint mochas are back at Starbucks, and had one today.  And I was really happy today through my first five periods even though 4th period was so rowdy I sent them out in the hall to settle themselves down before lecture.  (It worked.)  Mostly, things are working.  Then 6th period were their typical selves, and 7th period was herding squirrels, and in that space of about an hour and a half, I just felt myself sinking lower and lower.

Now I'm up late pulling together material for my lit review (it's supposed to be micro-sized but I've pulled like 7 articles so I don't know if that's going to be possible) for the first part of my final paper. I've got a narrative constructing itself in the back of my head, I just hope I have time to write it and make DD's birthday pie tomorrow.

I've thought about crying a few times today.  I'm sad because I wanted DS1 to stay for dinner last night but it was too late and DH took him back to his campus even though I specifically asked him to stay.  He was so mean about it! He agreed to stay but with such venom that I told him to go, there was no point in him staying if he was going to be angry.  I don't know what call he had to be so mean to me, and it was still stinging this morning.  Then this evening DH inexplicably made a phone call in the middle of a conversation -- I was mid-sentence as he began to dial, with nary a "Just a sec, I have to make this call," excuse.  I just felt like nothing.  

I told him he was rude and he apologized and gave me a hug.  He hadn't realized it had even happened, which tells me he wasn't even listening to what I was saying.  He admitted to being thoughtless, but that's not really helpful.  "Yes, I know you're talking so I'll just tune you out and do whatever..." I'm sure it happens all the time, just this time he forgot and made the phone call while he was ignoring me.

See, this is what I mean about emotional resilience.  I'm more or less looking for trouble and finding fault but these were two legit examples of me being trampled, and it hurts.

Up too late, exhausted tomorrow: not a good combination when you're as emotional as I am right now.  Ah, well -- onward.  It's not as if I have a choice.

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