Wednesday, October 14, 2015

sad & tired

Inexplicably, a lyric from Jesus Christ Superstar is floating through my brain, from the Agony in the Garden song: "Then, I was inspired.  Now, I'm sad and tired.  After all, I tried for three years, seems like 30..."

I think it make sense on some levels.  We - me, my own family, my siblings and their families - have been witnesses to my mother's gradual decline over the past five years, and then of course her precipitous fall over the past three months.  Seems like 30...

That constant worry is a part of us, and unraveling it and letting it go is going to take some time.

I took today off from school.  Monday and Tuesday I kept it together, but barely.  I ended up staying past 6PM yesterday getting my sub plans and materials in place, just so I could have a day, today, to rest and recover.

But now at 8PM I feel as sad and tired as ever.  I slept in until 10:30 this morning, and that surely helped.  I accomplished many small tasks and had a nice lunch out with DD.  I attended my NAU class and faked my way through the discussions of the three long readings, which I had merely skimmed, but I was fortunately able to contribute to some of the other discussions.  My professor understands and has told me to take all the time I need, but I just feel everything simultaneously piling up while time slips away.

My to-do list is outrageously long, and I have no idea when I'll be caught up, if ever.  I had planned on doing a bunch of stuff over break which basically didn't happen.  I'm so thankful for whatever strength of character I had that made me grade those papers, because sitting here at home, I don't think I'd ever get to them, undermining the entire purpose of my project.  (That being: actionable and timely feedback.)

I'm sort of neglecting my own little family right now -- the kids are on fall break so they don't really need me.  They seem content with whatever dinner I manage to pull out of the freezer.  I'm prioritizing my teaching work -- lesson planning and materials, etc -- which means grad school stuff comes last. And sleep last of all, but I really have to cut that out.  Even having slept till 10:30 this morning I still feel like I haven't slept in a week.

Two more days till the weekend.  We'll see how it goes.

1 comment:

nina said...

I'm tired just reading all you worked through this week! I'll just add what you already know -- take some time for yourself this weekend. Can you do that?
I am so happy that you have a large and caring family.
And still, I know how tough this is for you. I'm sorry.