Saturday, February 20, 2016

springtime everywhere but in my heart...

I wonder when I am going to feel like I can relax, like everything and everyone is OK.  I feel as if I have not been in that state for so long I can't remember what it's like.

It is absolutely gorgeous here, in the mid-80s every afternoon.  Technically it's too warm for this time of year, but I'll take it.  Especially after last weekend's trip to Savannah for my niece's wedding.  My brother-in-law and his wife rented a gorgeous mansion and we all stayed there, and Savannah is a lovely little city.  But it was unseasonably cold there, with the high temperatures in the 40s.  I had looked at the forecast and knew it was going to be colder, but somehow I didn't think it was going to be that cold.  I'm sure the humidity there made it feel worse to me than it was, but I don't think I felt warm the whole time I was away, unless I was snuggled under the covers of the enormous four-poster bed in our room. (There was a little 2-step stair to help get into and out of the bed!)

The wedding was small, simple, and beautiful, and we had a wonderful time.  It was great being with all of DH's family, too -- we so seldom get to see them, and this is probably only the second or third time we've ever all gotten together. It's always a little sad when we leave family, because I like being with them so much, and then we come home to AZ where we don't have any relatives even in the same time zone.  I know, I know -- it was our choice to come here, and I wouldn't move unless I absolutely had to -- but sometimes I wish at least some family would join us out here!

Our travel both to and from Savannah was delayed by mechanical issues and weather, so we got home very late on Monday (the holiday), and then stayed up later to watch the Gravity Falls series finale that DD and I had awaited for months now.  We told ourselves we were too wound up to sleep, and that was probably true, but in retrospect I wish I had tried.

I stayed up even later, really, working on my curriculum proposal for my district meeting on March 1.  Then I stayed up late again working on my grading, and a lesson plan for my formal observation.  I am not happy with my principal's evaluation of me, and I'm trying to shrug it off, but part of being exhausted and strung out all the time means I have no emotional resilience.  Everything feels like a kick in the head and I can't just shake it off.

On top of all this -- more likely, because of all this -- I'm in a flare and feel like I've been hit by a truck.  Or I could, like apparently half of my school, be coming down with the flu, but so far so good, I don't have any other symptoms.  My hands are the worst, which makes me think it's a flare.  If I'd been eating wheat I'd have that to blame, but I haven't been (until today, when I had both a slice of fruit cake and a half a small spicy Italian panini -- both totally worth the consequences.)  Along with all that, I'm taking my NSAIDs so (if history is any guide) I shouldn't get any worse.

I'm booked for my trip back east in March to help inventory Mom's home.  We still have to book our summer flights.  I have a ton of grading to do, and I'm supposed to write my intro and revise my lit review this week.  I'd also like to do the next unit of my Reading to Learn in Science MOOC I'm taking through Stanford, and I have to coordinate with the other grade level teachers to arrange their visits to my classroom.  Thankfully there's literally nothing weird scheduled this week so there's actually a chance I could get this all done!

This weekend is DS2's belated birthday celebration.  He turned 15 in Savannah. We''re having his friends sleep over tonight so we can head out bright and early for the Renaissance Festival tomorrow. DH is on the fence about this; DS2 received two deficiency notices (humane letters and French, arguably the 2 subjects he finds easiest), and is now in mandatory tutoring/study hall every day after lunch as a result.  He seems, ever so slowly, to be finally getting the idea of what he should be doing.

DD had appointments with her college counselor and the doctor yesterday.  She's feeling a lot better already but we want to make sure she continues that upward trend.   One of my sisters said, with teens, there's three things that can happen: one, they can become arrogant and narcissistic; two, their self-esteem can crater for no discernible reason, or three, they can fall into the "it's not going to happen to me" category and take unnecessary risks as a result.  I suppose it's possible that all three could happen at the same time, because sometimes arrogance masks low self-esteem.  I am not a big proponent of the fake self-esteem thing where "everyone wins!"  I hate that.  But I also hate that my beautiful, talented, smart, funny daughter has apparently no idea how wonderful she is.  So we're working on that, and I'm happy that she's at last being honest with us.

1 comment:

nina said...

I dont understand why beautiful, smart, talented, funny girls (with loving, supportive families) develop low self esteem, but too often, they do. (I speak as a parent of two daughters.) I dont fully understand the whys of this, but they do. You will be magnificent in helping her cope! That's what counts: helping them reimagine their worth.