A little sigh of relief.
Today was the first day of my winter break. I was out from 11am to 6pm, so it wasn't a lazing-around-the-house kind of day, but it was still a good one.
Last week did me in. I had developed a cold the week before, and that just didn't help. It wasn't bad at first, but by the middle of last week, my voice was shot, and it still isn't right.
Most of that is on me. I was supposed to finish up my paper over the weekend and it just didn't happen. Too much Christmas, family, school stuff happening. Too much feeling overwhelmed by all of it this year. Too much feeling this huge emptiness where Mom should be.
Which is not to say things didn't get done. For example, I found and printed the photos to put into the photo frame ornaments I bought for my siblings. I did some Christmas shopping. And food shopping. And laundry. And cooking... I really should not go to the farmer's market if I am not on vacation.
Things got done but not the paper, which was due on Wednesday. I stayed up incredibly late several nights running getitng it together. It was supposed to be only 15 pages with at least 10 references but it just got out of hand. (22 pages [not counting the title page and abstract, mind you], 4 pages of references) I should explain, this is not just "a paper," it's the literature review for my non-thesis project. Having never done a literature review before, I was cheerfully naive about what they entailed before taking this last course. The entire purpose of said course was to teach how to read and write a literature review, and then to help us write them for our theses or non-thesis projects. My non-thesis project is kind of a monster, and so the lit review is, too.
Anyway, on Tuesday I realized it wasn't going to be done on Wednesday and begged for an extension, which of course my professor gave me. I finished it about 1AM Thursday night (early Friday morning) or maybe even later. Of course I still had to work every day. I think Monday-Thursday I got about 12 hours of sleep total. It was not good, and it made me even sicker.
But, I wrote an awesome paper which my professor called "excellent" and she said that I am very close to being done with it, which is pretty huge. She's totally amazing because she graded it by Saturday, which was about a 24-hour turn-around. Plus I have an A for the class which is affirming. I worked very hard over an incredibly difficult period but managed to stay on top of everything. (This sounds stupid but I'm writing it anyway --) I think my Mom would be proud of me for going on with it, even though I could've dropped when things went sideways early in the fall.
So, school's out until January, grad class is over, kids are done with recitals and piano for 2 weeks. Christmas shopping is done (unless I decide to get that one last thing for the boys), and some of it is even wrapped. The fridge is stuffed with food and I don't have to go out again if I don't want to...
Except tomorrow morning, when we're seeing Star Wars: TFA at the odd hour of 10AM. I'm spoiler-free and looking forward to it. I'm working on resting and recovering.
Right, back to today's massive outing; a good part of that was an appointment with Dr. O, whom I have not seen in quite a while. First off, the cold has morphed into a disgusting infection (confirmed when he scoped me), so I'm on anitbiotics plus Mucinex to keep the mucus thin and draining. (That should help my voice.) I went chiefly about my right ear tinnitus and the weird pain I get from under my jaw line where those glands are swollen. I thought they felt weird and so did he, so he's sending me for an ultrasound and possible FNA if it's something suspicious. He thinks the tinnitus is a vascular side effect of the nodes, which makes sense to me. Oh, and he confirmed that the lumpy-throat feeling is because of my reflux, it's got my esophagus irritated again. I suppose I should not be eating sriracha potato chips if I'm having reflux. I'll do as best I can to get the reflux settled but over the holidays it's really hard to stick to a good diet. Lately I've been living chiefly on Starbucks soy milk peppermint mochas and various Christmas candy given to me by my students.
Astoundingly generous, they were, this year. Of course I still have nearly 200, so that partly explains the huge haul of stuff I got.
After Star Wars, perhaps I will grade some of those (many, many) papers? I tell myself I'll have hours in the car to & from California (Disneyland!) that can be used for that, but I don't want to have it hanging over my head. All the cards and presents have been sent, all the shopping is done, now I can just sit home, relax, and get some grading done... after DD and I finish watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. We only have a half-dozen or so episodes to go, and we are thoroughly enjoying the fantastic characters, beautiful art direction, and occasional silliness, but best of all, the most coherent magical world-building of any story we (collectively) know. Tolkien's magic is impenetrable, Harry Potter's is secret (which, as much as I love it all, is stupid), and everyone else's is just ... weak, or perhaps opaque or just too incompletely revealed to be as engaging. At least, that's what we decided in our conversation this evening!
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Tuesday, December 08, 2015
odd day
It seems I only pop in to write when I'm at my wit's end, these days, these months. Too much to do and not enough time to do it in.
All that is still true. On the plus side of things: DD's Shakespeare performance was terrific, and both kids played well in their holiday recital last weekend. My professor liked the first half of my paper very much, so that means I only have about 8 pages or so to write, and I have another whole week to do that, along with putting together my presentation. The new Christmas tree is so different from the old one that it still surprises me, but it is really beautiful, and DD Christmas'd up the whole house again, which is just lovely.
On the working-on-it side of things, DS2's inadequate school skills and general dodginess landed him in trouble for the last time, so now his computer's downstairs in the family room and I grill him about everything coming due and stay on him about doing it. I managed to avoid having the same failed expectations conversation for twenty-first time by simply deciding not to have it. I gave him a 2-week shot at managing his own affairs, and he didn't. Whether he can't or just won't is immaterial. If he wants to stay at his current school, he has to do the work. There is no point in keeping him there if he's not even going to try. He doesn't want to switch schools, though. He admitted his own school "could be good if only...' if only what? "...if I tried." We'll see.
Today's personal drama started yesterday after school, when I got drafted to attend a meeting. Then this morning I had to report the directives from that meeting to my peers. All of that's OK except our admin hasn't been her usual positive self lately, and after being harangued not to be "lazy," (we all were group-chastised) I knew I had to tread carefully. And I thought I did! But I didn't, and there's no point recounting the dialog, because that's not the point.
Here's what happened: with about 30 minutes left in my prep hour, I realized I needed literally 2 pages of one version of my midterm exam because there was a problem with the copies. So I went up to the office and made my two copies, and then got called into the admin's office. I really did not want to talk to her because I was confused by the discussion at the morning meeting and still thinking about everything and trying to figure out what exactly we are supposed to be doing now and how that works with our mission, which we generally adhere to pretty well. So I tried to say, could we do this later? But I was told no, and then things got very weird.
There was the back-and-forth about the meeting stuff, and I just flat out disagree with her judgment - I did not see the point of raising a junior high specific question in a meeting that had already run over an hour, when I was literally the only person at the table who was interested in the answer. We kept talking past each other, but it got to the point where I expressed how overwhelmed I am following the death of my mother. Of course, tears at this point, not sobbing, just leaking eyes and not wanting to talk anymore, but having, of course, to talk more. I say, quite clearly that nearly 200 students is overwhelming, and that's when it got bizarre. My admin said, If you want 30 students in a class, find another school.
It's still echoing around in my head now, more than 13 hours later.
Well. At the time, I was shocked but I stood up and said, "I will," and turned to go. She called me back and wouldn't let me go, and told me what a great teacher I am, blah blah blah.
All of this was just so upsetting. She kept me 10 minutes past the bell -- my students were waiting out in the hall because I had locked my door before I left my room -- my midterm exams were all laid out, getting ready for tomorrow, and I didn't want anyone walking in and finding them.
I'm finally released from this trying encounter and of course still very upset, when I'm told to have a great day, and I respond with, "Oh...." I had just been crying and talking about how overwhelmed I feel, and now I have to go back to my students and I'm told I will have a great day and I have to choose my attitude blah blah blah.
I am a professional. I got my shit together on the walk back to my classroom and not one student had any idea I had just been crying in the principal's office and basically told to find another job. And I got through the rest of the day, too, somehow. My co-workers are as flummoxed about this morning's meeting as I was, and of course wanted to know where I was when I was so late for third period class.
What a mess! I don't think it's a good idea to make a decision when you're under a lot of stress, and I am under a tremendous amount of stress right now. But I think applying at another school or two isn't the worst idea in the world. I don't know if my feelings will change but for some time I have been thinking that teaching 190-something students is too many, even if I'm not in grad school. I don't want to teach that many students, and if I have to go to another school to achieve that, that's what I'm going to have to do.
All that is still true. On the plus side of things: DD's Shakespeare performance was terrific, and both kids played well in their holiday recital last weekend. My professor liked the first half of my paper very much, so that means I only have about 8 pages or so to write, and I have another whole week to do that, along with putting together my presentation. The new Christmas tree is so different from the old one that it still surprises me, but it is really beautiful, and DD Christmas'd up the whole house again, which is just lovely.
On the working-on-it side of things, DS2's inadequate school skills and general dodginess landed him in trouble for the last time, so now his computer's downstairs in the family room and I grill him about everything coming due and stay on him about doing it. I managed to avoid having the same failed expectations conversation for twenty-first time by simply deciding not to have it. I gave him a 2-week shot at managing his own affairs, and he didn't. Whether he can't or just won't is immaterial. If he wants to stay at his current school, he has to do the work. There is no point in keeping him there if he's not even going to try. He doesn't want to switch schools, though. He admitted his own school "could be good if only...' if only what? "...if I tried." We'll see.
Today's personal drama started yesterday after school, when I got drafted to attend a meeting. Then this morning I had to report the directives from that meeting to my peers. All of that's OK except our admin hasn't been her usual positive self lately, and after being harangued not to be "lazy," (we all were group-chastised) I knew I had to tread carefully. And I thought I did! But I didn't, and there's no point recounting the dialog, because that's not the point.
Here's what happened: with about 30 minutes left in my prep hour, I realized I needed literally 2 pages of one version of my midterm exam because there was a problem with the copies. So I went up to the office and made my two copies, and then got called into the admin's office. I really did not want to talk to her because I was confused by the discussion at the morning meeting and still thinking about everything and trying to figure out what exactly we are supposed to be doing now and how that works with our mission, which we generally adhere to pretty well. So I tried to say, could we do this later? But I was told no, and then things got very weird.
There was the back-and-forth about the meeting stuff, and I just flat out disagree with her judgment - I did not see the point of raising a junior high specific question in a meeting that had already run over an hour, when I was literally the only person at the table who was interested in the answer. We kept talking past each other, but it got to the point where I expressed how overwhelmed I am following the death of my mother. Of course, tears at this point, not sobbing, just leaking eyes and not wanting to talk anymore, but having, of course, to talk more. I say, quite clearly that nearly 200 students is overwhelming, and that's when it got bizarre. My admin said, If you want 30 students in a class, find another school.
It's still echoing around in my head now, more than 13 hours later.
Well. At the time, I was shocked but I stood up and said, "I will," and turned to go. She called me back and wouldn't let me go, and told me what a great teacher I am, blah blah blah.
All of this was just so upsetting. She kept me 10 minutes past the bell -- my students were waiting out in the hall because I had locked my door before I left my room -- my midterm exams were all laid out, getting ready for tomorrow, and I didn't want anyone walking in and finding them.
I'm finally released from this trying encounter and of course still very upset, when I'm told to have a great day, and I respond with, "Oh...." I had just been crying and talking about how overwhelmed I feel, and now I have to go back to my students and I'm told I will have a great day and I have to choose my attitude blah blah blah.
I am a professional. I got my shit together on the walk back to my classroom and not one student had any idea I had just been crying in the principal's office and basically told to find another job. And I got through the rest of the day, too, somehow. My co-workers are as flummoxed about this morning's meeting as I was, and of course wanted to know where I was when I was so late for third period class.
What a mess! I don't think it's a good idea to make a decision when you're under a lot of stress, and I am under a tremendous amount of stress right now. But I think applying at another school or two isn't the worst idea in the world. I don't know if my feelings will change but for some time I have been thinking that teaching 190-something students is too many, even if I'm not in grad school. I don't want to teach that many students, and if I have to go to another school to achieve that, that's what I'm going to have to do.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
it's all too much
The first batch of my students' science fair papers, the research part, came in last Friday. The dozen or so I've looked at so far are wretched, and I don't want to read any more, but there's nothing to be done for it. I just need to get over my resentment and do it. This year, however, I have resolved: no comments, just a score. They had an opportunity to get comments from me earlier in the year, so it's too late now. Besides, the vast majority just don't care.
I'm so burned out. I always seem to have at least one commitment too many. I dropped teaching RE and thought that would free me up enough, but no. This year I'm only taking one grad class, but I'm also implementing my portfolio project, so it's more like one-and-a-half. Then of course is the kicker: I'm teaching 197 students. When I saw the enrollment numbers at the beginning of the year, I thought, "It will drop off." But it didn't. The district is giving us a "class size stipend" and it's not small, but at this point, I don't want the money. I want the time!
If science fair were part of the regular curriculum it would be OK, I wouldn't mind grading the nearly 200 papers. But it's in addition to the regular curriculum, and that's what's killing me.
Of course I'm still reeling from Mom's death, expected as it was. Every day there's something that brings back the idea that she's gone. I suppose it will get easier but it's still hard right now. I just feel like I haven't had any time to process, and God only knows when I'll get it.
Last weekend we went up to the DBG to see the Bruce Munroe exhibit, Sonoran Light. It was spectacular, and a lovely break. How I wish I could do that kind of thing more often!
Last but not least:
I'm so burned out. I always seem to have at least one commitment too many. I dropped teaching RE and thought that would free me up enough, but no. This year I'm only taking one grad class, but I'm also implementing my portfolio project, so it's more like one-and-a-half. Then of course is the kicker: I'm teaching 197 students. When I saw the enrollment numbers at the beginning of the year, I thought, "It will drop off." But it didn't. The district is giving us a "class size stipend" and it's not small, but at this point, I don't want the money. I want the time!
If science fair were part of the regular curriculum it would be OK, I wouldn't mind grading the nearly 200 papers. But it's in addition to the regular curriculum, and that's what's killing me.
Of course I'm still reeling from Mom's death, expected as it was. Every day there's something that brings back the idea that she's gone. I suppose it will get easier but it's still hard right now. I just feel like I haven't had any time to process, and God only knows when I'll get it.
Last weekend we went up to the DBG to see the Bruce Munroe exhibit, Sonoran Light. It was spectacular, and a lovely break. How I wish I could do that kind of thing more often!
Last but not least:
I just realized it has been 10 years since my last treatment.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
breather
I'm so thankful for this holiday.
I was so far behind in my grad school work that I despaired of ever catching up. I started clearing the deck over the weekend when I put together my reference list, but it wasn't until last night when I hammered out my updates to my annotated bibliography that I finally felt "unstuck."
Sometimes, there's work to be done, but for whatever reason, I get hung up and can't do it. This past month and a half, there have been a lot of reasons, some to do with my brain just giving up, some with the kids needing my time, some to do with absolutely necessary teaching work coming first. I did despair from time to time that I wouldn't come unstuck in time to actually do the work, and then what?
But today, with the luxury of a day off, I completed two smaller assignments and one rather substantial one, a big chunk of my final paper.
It helped that I was able to work in pieces. I brought my laptop with me to the kids' orthodontist appointment, and I even worked while we waited for our table for brunch at Snooze. Then when we got home I put the beef stew on... and got back to work.
It really helped the writing that I had printed my articles and highlighted my quotes. The thing that surprised me was how a narrative suggested itself more or less organically from the articles themselves. I really like it, it felt easy to write. It makes sense to me, there's a progression to it. I hope my professor agrees!
I have no expectations as to when she'll be able to grade all of these assignments of mine. When you turn in stuff late, you're at the mercy of the instructor, so she'll get to it when she gets to it. I can be patient.
In spite of having that weight lifted, I'm still struggling with my acid reflux, which I suspect is caused by a return of the mild gastroparesis I had several years ago. I did a blog crawl and found my old posts and was surprised to read that treating my cervical radiculitis cleared it up -- specifically when I was taking a therapeutic dose of ibuprofen, but also doing my neck physical therapy. I think it is not a coincidence that my stomach started acting up after about two weeks (maybe three) of slacking on my exercises, as in, not doing them at all. My exercise set is not very long but it's enough to keep me limber, so I'm back to trying to be consistent with that. And I'm back to doing my neck exercises at least twice a day, in case there's nerve impingement that's causing the problem.
We'll see how it goes. I'll continue eating smaller meals and abstaining from alcohol until I'm back to 100%. I hope I can fix this myself.
I was so far behind in my grad school work that I despaired of ever catching up. I started clearing the deck over the weekend when I put together my reference list, but it wasn't until last night when I hammered out my updates to my annotated bibliography that I finally felt "unstuck."
Sometimes, there's work to be done, but for whatever reason, I get hung up and can't do it. This past month and a half, there have been a lot of reasons, some to do with my brain just giving up, some with the kids needing my time, some to do with absolutely necessary teaching work coming first. I did despair from time to time that I wouldn't come unstuck in time to actually do the work, and then what?
But today, with the luxury of a day off, I completed two smaller assignments and one rather substantial one, a big chunk of my final paper.
It helped that I was able to work in pieces. I brought my laptop with me to the kids' orthodontist appointment, and I even worked while we waited for our table for brunch at Snooze. Then when we got home I put the beef stew on... and got back to work.
It really helped the writing that I had printed my articles and highlighted my quotes. The thing that surprised me was how a narrative suggested itself more or less organically from the articles themselves. I really like it, it felt easy to write. It makes sense to me, there's a progression to it. I hope my professor agrees!
I have no expectations as to when she'll be able to grade all of these assignments of mine. When you turn in stuff late, you're at the mercy of the instructor, so she'll get to it when she gets to it. I can be patient.
In spite of having that weight lifted, I'm still struggling with my acid reflux, which I suspect is caused by a return of the mild gastroparesis I had several years ago. I did a blog crawl and found my old posts and was surprised to read that treating my cervical radiculitis cleared it up -- specifically when I was taking a therapeutic dose of ibuprofen, but also doing my neck physical therapy. I think it is not a coincidence that my stomach started acting up after about two weeks (maybe three) of slacking on my exercises, as in, not doing them at all. My exercise set is not very long but it's enough to keep me limber, so I'm back to trying to be consistent with that. And I'm back to doing my neck exercises at least twice a day, in case there's nerve impingement that's causing the problem.
We'll see how it goes. I'll continue eating smaller meals and abstaining from alcohol until I'm back to 100%. I hope I can fix this myself.
Tuesday, November 03, 2015
up, down, up, down
More like a seesaw than a roller coaster, and for that, I'm grateful.
I'm still mostly better, except when I'm not, and it's difficult because I can't really tell when I'm going to be not-better. Tiny things hit way harder than they should because I have no emotional resilience at all.
For example, I was inordinately happy to see that peppermint mochas are back at Starbucks, and had one today. And I was really happy today through my first five periods even though 4th period was so rowdy I sent them out in the hall to settle themselves down before lecture. (It worked.) Mostly, things are working. Then 6th period were their typical selves, and 7th period was herding squirrels, and in that space of about an hour and a half, I just felt myself sinking lower and lower.
Now I'm up late pulling together material for my lit review (it's supposed to be micro-sized but I've pulled like 7 articles so I don't know if that's going to be possible) for the first part of my final paper. I've got a narrative constructing itself in the back of my head, I just hope I have time to write it and make DD's birthday pie tomorrow.
I've thought about crying a few times today. I'm sad because I wanted DS1 to stay for dinner last night but it was too late and DH took him back to his campus even though I specifically asked him to stay. He was so mean about it! He agreed to stay but with such venom that I told him to go, there was no point in him staying if he was going to be angry. I don't know what call he had to be so mean to me, and it was still stinging this morning. Then this evening DH inexplicably made a phone call in the middle of a conversation -- I was mid-sentence as he began to dial, with nary a "Just a sec, I have to make this call," excuse. I just felt like nothing.
I told him he was rude and he apologized and gave me a hug. He hadn't realized it had even happened, which tells me he wasn't even listening to what I was saying. He admitted to being thoughtless, but that's not really helpful. "Yes, I know you're talking so I'll just tune you out and do whatever..." I'm sure it happens all the time, just this time he forgot and made the phone call while he was ignoring me.
See, this is what I mean about emotional resilience. I'm more or less looking for trouble and finding fault but these were two legit examples of me being trampled, and it hurts.
Up too late, exhausted tomorrow: not a good combination when you're as emotional as I am right now. Ah, well -- onward. It's not as if I have a choice.
I'm still mostly better, except when I'm not, and it's difficult because I can't really tell when I'm going to be not-better. Tiny things hit way harder than they should because I have no emotional resilience at all.
For example, I was inordinately happy to see that peppermint mochas are back at Starbucks, and had one today. And I was really happy today through my first five periods even though 4th period was so rowdy I sent them out in the hall to settle themselves down before lecture. (It worked.) Mostly, things are working. Then 6th period were their typical selves, and 7th period was herding squirrels, and in that space of about an hour and a half, I just felt myself sinking lower and lower.
Now I'm up late pulling together material for my lit review (it's supposed to be micro-sized but I've pulled like 7 articles so I don't know if that's going to be possible) for the first part of my final paper. I've got a narrative constructing itself in the back of my head, I just hope I have time to write it and make DD's birthday pie tomorrow.
I've thought about crying a few times today. I'm sad because I wanted DS1 to stay for dinner last night but it was too late and DH took him back to his campus even though I specifically asked him to stay. He was so mean about it! He agreed to stay but with such venom that I told him to go, there was no point in him staying if he was going to be angry. I don't know what call he had to be so mean to me, and it was still stinging this morning. Then this evening DH inexplicably made a phone call in the middle of a conversation -- I was mid-sentence as he began to dial, with nary a "Just a sec, I have to make this call," excuse. I just felt like nothing.
I told him he was rude and he apologized and gave me a hug. He hadn't realized it had even happened, which tells me he wasn't even listening to what I was saying. He admitted to being thoughtless, but that's not really helpful. "Yes, I know you're talking so I'll just tune you out and do whatever..." I'm sure it happens all the time, just this time he forgot and made the phone call while he was ignoring me.
See, this is what I mean about emotional resilience. I'm more or less looking for trouble and finding fault but these were two legit examples of me being trampled, and it hurts.
Up too late, exhausted tomorrow: not a good combination when you're as emotional as I am right now. Ah, well -- onward. It's not as if I have a choice.
Monday, October 26, 2015
mostly better, except...
There's always that "except", right? Acid reflux is killing me and I'm not sure why. I'm just trying to manage it with diet and D-limonene and wait it out. I hate having that lump-in-the-throat feeling, but I know exactly what it is, and I have to be very careful what I eat until I'm over it. On the plus side, I'm down to only one, maybe two hot flashes a day, a substantial improvement over (what felt like) near-continuous flashes over the past few months. It was so odd to go from being one of those always-cold people to an always-hot person. It helped when I was in Massachusetts but made life more miserable here in AZ.
Emotionally, I'm beginning to feel the weight of these past four months starting to lift. I feel a bit guilty about feeling better, but I'm also too relieved to waste any energy on guilt. Mom suffered so, it is good that she isn't in pain any more. I feel OK most of the time, until suddenly I don't. Yesterday in church I just completely lost it at one point. I had no tissues so I had to wipe my eyes with my scarf. It only lasted a few minutes, and a particular hymn triggered it (and probably always will). I felt surprisingly all right afterwards, too. It was like a little thunderstorm blew through and left me refreshed in its wake. I didn't realize how much I was holding in, because I just feel... normal, really.
Last week was a crazy week at school because I did the mineral identification lab with my 7th graders. There are ~125 of them spread over 4 classes. These are the largest classes I've attempted this with. Most students did well on the identification, but a significant chunk (once again) resisted thinking and bailed on answering the three "Explain" questions I asked. Sadly for them, that will have a significant impact on their lab grades.
It was also crazy because we've officially kicked off the science fair. The more I learn the more opposed to this process I am, but here I go again. I'm hoping that my master's project will make things go more smoothly, and overall, the proposals are 1) in -- the vast majority of students completed one and 2) relatively OK, which saves time on the grading.
I'm taking more family time, too. First quarter grades came in and DS2 did OK but nowhere near to the level of his ability (or so we think, it's impossible to tell sometimes). That led to several hours-long conversations about what he wants and what he feels and how he is going to manage going forward. I want to let him do things on his own but at this point I don't think he knows how to organize, or plan, or execute a plan, at least not very well. There were bright spots but overall it's the same story of not living up to his potential. Sadly, too, he professed frustration with all the "stupid people" he's surrounded by, so I had to set him straight on that one: every person is of the same value and deserving of respect. Every.One.
Yesterday I went to the farmer's market before I did the grocery shopping. I really shouldn't. I shouldn't shop on Saturday mornings when it's gorgeous out and everything looks amazing because then I end up cooking all weekend and now I haven't put in any of my grades (they'll make it in, eventually.) I roasted approximately 3,042 vegetables to make one medium-sized container of ratatouille. I made up an entire box of TJ's pumpkin pancakes (spectacular, and gluten free!), and I still have to put away the chili that has been simmering since dinner (burgers & hot dogs on the grill - the rest of the package of ground beef went into the chili.) See, I don't know where I'm going to put it because the fridge is packed right now.
Not a bad problem to have, I know.
Ah well. Grades will have to wait until tomorrow, or whenever. At least most of the stuff is actually graded already, it's just a matter of putting them into the gradebook.
Emotionally, I'm beginning to feel the weight of these past four months starting to lift. I feel a bit guilty about feeling better, but I'm also too relieved to waste any energy on guilt. Mom suffered so, it is good that she isn't in pain any more. I feel OK most of the time, until suddenly I don't. Yesterday in church I just completely lost it at one point. I had no tissues so I had to wipe my eyes with my scarf. It only lasted a few minutes, and a particular hymn triggered it (and probably always will). I felt surprisingly all right afterwards, too. It was like a little thunderstorm blew through and left me refreshed in its wake. I didn't realize how much I was holding in, because I just feel... normal, really.
Last week was a crazy week at school because I did the mineral identification lab with my 7th graders. There are ~125 of them spread over 4 classes. These are the largest classes I've attempted this with. Most students did well on the identification, but a significant chunk (once again) resisted thinking and bailed on answering the three "Explain" questions I asked. Sadly for them, that will have a significant impact on their lab grades.
It was also crazy because we've officially kicked off the science fair. The more I learn the more opposed to this process I am, but here I go again. I'm hoping that my master's project will make things go more smoothly, and overall, the proposals are 1) in -- the vast majority of students completed one and 2) relatively OK, which saves time on the grading.
I'm taking more family time, too. First quarter grades came in and DS2 did OK but nowhere near to the level of his ability (or so we think, it's impossible to tell sometimes). That led to several hours-long conversations about what he wants and what he feels and how he is going to manage going forward. I want to let him do things on his own but at this point I don't think he knows how to organize, or plan, or execute a plan, at least not very well. There were bright spots but overall it's the same story of not living up to his potential. Sadly, too, he professed frustration with all the "stupid people" he's surrounded by, so I had to set him straight on that one: every person is of the same value and deserving of respect. Every.One.
Yesterday I went to the farmer's market before I did the grocery shopping. I really shouldn't. I shouldn't shop on Saturday mornings when it's gorgeous out and everything looks amazing because then I end up cooking all weekend and now I haven't put in any of my grades (they'll make it in, eventually.) I roasted approximately 3,042 vegetables to make one medium-sized container of ratatouille. I made up an entire box of TJ's pumpkin pancakes (spectacular, and gluten free!), and I still have to put away the chili that has been simmering since dinner (burgers & hot dogs on the grill - the rest of the package of ground beef went into the chili.) See, I don't know where I'm going to put it because the fridge is packed right now.
Not a bad problem to have, I know.
Ah well. Grades will have to wait until tomorrow, or whenever. At least most of the stuff is actually graded already, it's just a matter of putting them into the gradebook.
Monday, October 19, 2015
slightly less sad, still tired
I am so exhausted when I get home every afternoon I almost always take an inadvertent (unintentional) nap before dinner. Consequently, I'm able to be up past 11PM when I should be in bed.
Part of that exhaustion is just having too many emotions to deal with at one time, and part of it is having so much work to do. I'm mid-way through my minerals unit with the 7th graders, and we're doing hands-on stuff every day. They love it, but I have to be very organized, and this year, I'm just not. We're managing anyway. I have scaled the 8th grader's diffusion studies way back this year. We did a little lab observing what happens to carrots over night, but I'm skipping the shelled egg osmosis demo. I just don't want to deal with the hassles.
I don't even want to talk about my grad school work -- I'm about 2 weeks behind there. I hope to get caught up in November when we have a couple of weeks off. I think that should be possible.
Physically I feel OK except by this time I'm feeling like a truck hit me; I'm not moving around enough. My eye is still giving me a lot of trouble, even with more regular use of better eye drops. I do hope it gets better. And most recently I think my reflux is back, I'm having trouble swallowing and my throat hurts. I think I have to give up my strained yogurt along with coffee to really straighten things out.
One more week to hear about my tumor marker. I would really like this testing cycle to be over.
Part of that exhaustion is just having too many emotions to deal with at one time, and part of it is having so much work to do. I'm mid-way through my minerals unit with the 7th graders, and we're doing hands-on stuff every day. They love it, but I have to be very organized, and this year, I'm just not. We're managing anyway. I have scaled the 8th grader's diffusion studies way back this year. We did a little lab observing what happens to carrots over night, but I'm skipping the shelled egg osmosis demo. I just don't want to deal with the hassles.
I don't even want to talk about my grad school work -- I'm about 2 weeks behind there. I hope to get caught up in November when we have a couple of weeks off. I think that should be possible.
Physically I feel OK except by this time I'm feeling like a truck hit me; I'm not moving around enough. My eye is still giving me a lot of trouble, even with more regular use of better eye drops. I do hope it gets better. And most recently I think my reflux is back, I'm having trouble swallowing and my throat hurts. I think I have to give up my strained yogurt along with coffee to really straighten things out.
One more week to hear about my tumor marker. I would really like this testing cycle to be over.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
sad & tired
Inexplicably, a lyric from Jesus Christ Superstar is floating through my brain, from the Agony in the Garden song: "Then, I was inspired. Now, I'm sad and tired. After all, I tried for three years, seems like 30..."
I think it make sense on some levels. We - me, my own family, my siblings and their families - have been witnesses to my mother's gradual decline over the past five years, and then of course her precipitous fall over the past three months. Seems like 30...
That constant worry is a part of us, and unraveling it and letting it go is going to take some time.
I took today off from school. Monday and Tuesday I kept it together, but barely. I ended up staying past 6PM yesterday getting my sub plans and materials in place, just so I could have a day, today, to rest and recover.
But now at 8PM I feel as sad and tired as ever. I slept in until 10:30 this morning, and that surely helped. I accomplished many small tasks and had a nice lunch out with DD. I attended my NAU class and faked my way through the discussions of the three long readings, which I had merely skimmed, but I was fortunately able to contribute to some of the other discussions. My professor understands and has told me to take all the time I need, but I just feel everything simultaneously piling up while time slips away.
My to-do list is outrageously long, and I have no idea when I'll be caught up, if ever. I had planned on doing a bunch of stuff over break which basically didn't happen. I'm so thankful for whatever strength of character I had that made me grade those papers, because sitting here at home, I don't think I'd ever get to them, undermining the entire purpose of my project. (That being: actionable and timely feedback.)
I'm sort of neglecting my own little family right now -- the kids are on fall break so they don't really need me. They seem content with whatever dinner I manage to pull out of the freezer. I'm prioritizing my teaching work -- lesson planning and materials, etc -- which means grad school stuff comes last. And sleep last of all, but I really have to cut that out. Even having slept till 10:30 this morning I still feel like I haven't slept in a week.
Two more days till the weekend. We'll see how it goes.
I think it make sense on some levels. We - me, my own family, my siblings and their families - have been witnesses to my mother's gradual decline over the past five years, and then of course her precipitous fall over the past three months. Seems like 30...
That constant worry is a part of us, and unraveling it and letting it go is going to take some time.
I took today off from school. Monday and Tuesday I kept it together, but barely. I ended up staying past 6PM yesterday getting my sub plans and materials in place, just so I could have a day, today, to rest and recover.
But now at 8PM I feel as sad and tired as ever. I slept in until 10:30 this morning, and that surely helped. I accomplished many small tasks and had a nice lunch out with DD. I attended my NAU class and faked my way through the discussions of the three long readings, which I had merely skimmed, but I was fortunately able to contribute to some of the other discussions. My professor understands and has told me to take all the time I need, but I just feel everything simultaneously piling up while time slips away.
My to-do list is outrageously long, and I have no idea when I'll be caught up, if ever. I had planned on doing a bunch of stuff over break which basically didn't happen. I'm so thankful for whatever strength of character I had that made me grade those papers, because sitting here at home, I don't think I'd ever get to them, undermining the entire purpose of my project. (That being: actionable and timely feedback.)
I'm sort of neglecting my own little family right now -- the kids are on fall break so they don't really need me. They seem content with whatever dinner I manage to pull out of the freezer. I'm prioritizing my teaching work -- lesson planning and materials, etc -- which means grad school stuff comes last. And sleep last of all, but I really have to cut that out. Even having slept till 10:30 this morning I still feel like I haven't slept in a week.
Two more days till the weekend. We'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
exhausted
Mom's funeral was on Saturday. We flew out Thursday and arrived at her house late, but not so late that everyone was in bed, and ended up staying up too late even though we were all very tired. Three of my four brothers were there, and the cousins from Louisiana were good company for my kids. Friday we were up early to bank errands and then I spent hours and hours sorting through Mom's jewelry.
When you are 88 years old and rarely get rid of anything, you accumulate a lot of stuff. Plus, Mom had a habit of just stuffing things here and there, not necessarily where anyone would expect to find them. So I went through both closets in her room (hers & Dad's), and both dressers (hers & Dad's) and found innumerable interesting and somewhat valuable things; 7 boxes of mint proof sets. Seven tins of coins, including a whole tin of wheat pennies and another of silver dimes and nickels. An enormous box of first day issue stamps. And so much jewelry! Her personal taste was very modern as evidenced in the pieces she bought (or commissioned) for herself. Then there were all the more conventional pieces that others had given her, plus countless pieces of costume stuff that merely fun, or sometimes just odd. I took a break mid-day to have lunch at Bleu with the family, just to get out of the house. We ended up staying up very late again, because there was so much to talk about with each other. It rained most of the day.
Saturday was clear and cold in that way travel writers always call "brisk", cool but not too cold. The service was lovely. I cried so many times. Every time I saw another old friend, the tears just came so easily. I accomplished my reading without crying. It was a very good reading, Wisdom 3:1-9:
When we got home, my siblings and I retired to the downstairs kitchen for our meeting. We worked well together deciding many things. For all the high emotions these past few months, the weekend was remarkably smooth.
Stayed up way too late again on Saturday night, playing poker (with Mom's pennies!) and talking with the kids. Two hours of sleep later, I was up again, and we were on the road to the airport. We were a bit tight, time-wise, but made it, and the flight was smooth, easy. I slept for the first three hours and finished my grading during the rest of it. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did it.
Then Sunday -- no nap, too much to do to get ready for school on Monday. Then Monday, stayed up late again, because I got nothing done over break. But I decided then to take Wednesday off, so of course I had to stay late again today to prepare everything for the substitute. But that's OK, because tomorrow I can sleep in and hopefully unwind a little. I could feel myself getting ready to snap a few times over the past couple of days.
I need to sleep. I need to get used to the idea of Mom being gone, even though she has been sort of, mostly, gone for weeks now -- really since I took her to the hospital in June. But this is different. No matter what the brain knows, the way I knew Mom wasn't going to get better, the heart hopes. Having to let go of my heart's hope is not easy.
When you are 88 years old and rarely get rid of anything, you accumulate a lot of stuff. Plus, Mom had a habit of just stuffing things here and there, not necessarily where anyone would expect to find them. So I went through both closets in her room (hers & Dad's), and both dressers (hers & Dad's) and found innumerable interesting and somewhat valuable things; 7 boxes of mint proof sets. Seven tins of coins, including a whole tin of wheat pennies and another of silver dimes and nickels. An enormous box of first day issue stamps. And so much jewelry! Her personal taste was very modern as evidenced in the pieces she bought (or commissioned) for herself. Then there were all the more conventional pieces that others had given her, plus countless pieces of costume stuff that merely fun, or sometimes just odd. I took a break mid-day to have lunch at Bleu with the family, just to get out of the house. We ended up staying up very late again, because there was so much to talk about with each other. It rained most of the day.
Saturday was clear and cold in that way travel writers always call "brisk", cool but not too cold. The service was lovely. I cried so many times. Every time I saw another old friend, the tears just came so easily. I accomplished my reading without crying. It was a very good reading, Wisdom 3:1-9:
The souls of the righteous are in the hand of God, no torment shall touch them. They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead; and their passing away was thought an affliction and their going forth from us, utter destruction. But they are in peace. For if to others, indeed, they seem punished, yet is their hope full of immortality; Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed, because God tried them and found them worthy of himself. As gold in the furnace, he proved them, and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself. In the time of their judgment they shall shine and dart about as sparks through stubble;They shall judge nations and rule over peoples, and the LORD shall be their King forever. Those who trust in him shall understand truth, and the faithful shall abide with him in love: Because grace and mercy are with his holy ones, and his care is with the elect.We walked from the church to the grave site, taking turns carrying the beautiful blue urn of Mom's ashes. The service there was simple and lovely, too. Then we all walked back to the church for a reception in their basement hall, where we had held Dad's. My sister had handled all the catering and everything was lovely. So many people!
When we got home, my siblings and I retired to the downstairs kitchen for our meeting. We worked well together deciding many things. For all the high emotions these past few months, the weekend was remarkably smooth.
Stayed up way too late again on Saturday night, playing poker (with Mom's pennies!) and talking with the kids. Two hours of sleep later, I was up again, and we were on the road to the airport. We were a bit tight, time-wise, but made it, and the flight was smooth, easy. I slept for the first three hours and finished my grading during the rest of it. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did it.
Then Sunday -- no nap, too much to do to get ready for school on Monday. Then Monday, stayed up late again, because I got nothing done over break. But I decided then to take Wednesday off, so of course I had to stay late again today to prepare everything for the substitute. But that's OK, because tomorrow I can sleep in and hopefully unwind a little. I could feel myself getting ready to snap a few times over the past couple of days.
I need to sleep. I need to get used to the idea of Mom being gone, even though she has been sort of, mostly, gone for weeks now -- really since I took her to the hospital in June. But this is different. No matter what the brain knows, the way I knew Mom wasn't going to get better, the heart hopes. Having to let go of my heart's hope is not easy.
Wednesday, October 07, 2015
all clear & paradoxically feeling worse
My two CT scans (chest, and head & neck) were unremarkable. That is to say, the same exact anomalies seen last year are still present in the same places but they are exactly the same size so there's nothing to worry about, cancer-wise. At least until my thyroglobulin numbers come back in from California, which won't be until the end of the month. Anyway, I have a clean bill of health and the doctor reminded me to take the endomethacin he prescribed for the inflammation I have in my collar bone joints. I can't remember whether I took it before and if I did, what happened, but I'll give it a shot. Inflammation of a basically immobile joint is not the type of thing that responds well to physical therapy.
Now that's over with, and on the eve of heading back East for Mom's funeral services, I'm feeling entirely overwhelmed. I've been pushing everything off for days and now I don't have anything more pressing to think about.
In other news, I was hit in the eye by a water-filled balloon (not a "regular" water balloon of the type that breaks if you look at it wrong) last Wednesday, and my eye has been killing me ever since. I went to the eye doctor yesterday and she basically said that the generic eye drops I was using were useless and gave me some Systane, which is helping a lot, but she said it's going to be sore for a while even though there is no sign of anything seriously wrong. It's just traumatized.
I felt pretty good about being caught up on my schoolwork, but then realized I'd skipped a chapter and a written assignment for tonight's class, but that's probably OK because I did present my literature review work-in-progress which everyone was impressed with. Eh. If I weren't going through so much right now I'd have more done and feel better about it, but I can't change the way things are. I'm just so swamped now -- lots of reading for next week, plus I still have to read my students' research paragraphs... and there's no time.
Now that's over with, and on the eve of heading back East for Mom's funeral services, I'm feeling entirely overwhelmed. I've been pushing everything off for days and now I don't have anything more pressing to think about.
In other news, I was hit in the eye by a water-filled balloon (not a "regular" water balloon of the type that breaks if you look at it wrong) last Wednesday, and my eye has been killing me ever since. I went to the eye doctor yesterday and she basically said that the generic eye drops I was using were useless and gave me some Systane, which is helping a lot, but she said it's going to be sore for a while even though there is no sign of anything seriously wrong. It's just traumatized.
I felt pretty good about being caught up on my schoolwork, but then realized I'd skipped a chapter and a written assignment for tonight's class, but that's probably OK because I did present my literature review work-in-progress which everyone was impressed with. Eh. If I weren't going through so much right now I'd have more done and feel better about it, but I can't change the way things are. I'm just so swamped now -- lots of reading for next week, plus I still have to read my students' research paragraphs... and there's no time.
Monday, October 05, 2015
two down, one to go
My whole body scan was negative. Completely clear, which was very nice after last year's "blip" and the continuous annoying pain I'm having in my collar bone (and now, up under my right ear). Apparently, whatever is going on, it's not thyroid-cancer-y enough to show up on the WBS even after nearly three weeks of the low iodine diet.
Last week was so horrible I'm amazed I survived it. Mom's death was the worst of it, but I had commitments, both personal and professional, that I had to keep. Driving up to the hospital in Phoenix 4 out of 5 days was just exhausting, especially as most of the trips were in the after school, and therefore rush hour, time frame. But Thursday, my day off from the hospital, was parent-teacher conferences, from 8AM to 6PM and I barely had time to breathe. We had an hour for lunch from noon to one, and really needed it. The one good thing I can say is, the day flew by, and no one came in with a grievance. I managed.
Yesterday I caught up on grading and lesson planning while doing my colonoscopy prep. Ten years has done a lot of good in the colonoscopy world, as the prep last time literally made me sick and I was completely miserable. This year's prep was much more manageable, and although I did have to use the bathroom sometimes every 10 minutes, I didn't have the horrible abdominal pains I had last time. This morning my procedure was scheduled for 6:30am and DH was driving me home by 7:15. Everything in there is completely healthy, no issues at all. Once home, I slept until 11, and then spent some time cleaning and a whole huge chunk of time pulling photos for a memory board for my mother's services on Saturday.
So now that's done, I have tomorrow clear to catch up on my grad school work. I have several articles to read and I have to start mapping my literature review. I have already done preliminary research and have a ton of articles to go through. It would be better to take my time going through it, but I'm scheduled to present my work-in-progress on Wednesday, and I don't want to put it off.
And I can't actually plan on doing any productive work on Wednesday, since I'll be up at Banner M. D. Anderson for bloodwork, CT scans, and then an appointment with my head and neck cancer guy there to see what he thinks is going on. Maybe this thing in my collarbone/shoulder is just scar tissue, and maybe the problem in my right neck is just muscle spasms or a reactive node... see, I can come up with plausible explanations for just about anything. Still, I'd like that pain to stop. I'm really, really hoping it's not a recurrence that needs action, and I'm vaguely, minimally encouraged by the negative WBS. WBS are not the best for picking up residual cancer in lymph nodes, as my surgeon at MDA in Houston demonstrated. Well. By this time on Wednesday, I'll know.
Last week was so horrible I'm amazed I survived it. Mom's death was the worst of it, but I had commitments, both personal and professional, that I had to keep. Driving up to the hospital in Phoenix 4 out of 5 days was just exhausting, especially as most of the trips were in the after school, and therefore rush hour, time frame. But Thursday, my day off from the hospital, was parent-teacher conferences, from 8AM to 6PM and I barely had time to breathe. We had an hour for lunch from noon to one, and really needed it. The one good thing I can say is, the day flew by, and no one came in with a grievance. I managed.
Yesterday I caught up on grading and lesson planning while doing my colonoscopy prep. Ten years has done a lot of good in the colonoscopy world, as the prep last time literally made me sick and I was completely miserable. This year's prep was much more manageable, and although I did have to use the bathroom sometimes every 10 minutes, I didn't have the horrible abdominal pains I had last time. This morning my procedure was scheduled for 6:30am and DH was driving me home by 7:15. Everything in there is completely healthy, no issues at all. Once home, I slept until 11, and then spent some time cleaning and a whole huge chunk of time pulling photos for a memory board for my mother's services on Saturday.
So now that's done, I have tomorrow clear to catch up on my grad school work. I have several articles to read and I have to start mapping my literature review. I have already done preliminary research and have a ton of articles to go through. It would be better to take my time going through it, but I'm scheduled to present my work-in-progress on Wednesday, and I don't want to put it off.
And I can't actually plan on doing any productive work on Wednesday, since I'll be up at Banner M. D. Anderson for bloodwork, CT scans, and then an appointment with my head and neck cancer guy there to see what he thinks is going on. Maybe this thing in my collarbone/shoulder is just scar tissue, and maybe the problem in my right neck is just muscle spasms or a reactive node... see, I can come up with plausible explanations for just about anything. Still, I'd like that pain to stop. I'm really, really hoping it's not a recurrence that needs action, and I'm vaguely, minimally encouraged by the negative WBS. WBS are not the best for picking up residual cancer in lymph nodes, as my surgeon at MDA in Houston demonstrated. Well. By this time on Wednesday, I'll know.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
mixed up day
Waking up at 3AM and not being able to get back to sleep put a haze of exhaustion over the morning. I puttered around in the kitchen packing up pumpkin gingerbread (I used quinoa and tapioca flours, plus almond meal - a cup of each, and subbed honey for half of the molasses. Why do I always run out of molasses?!) and I made a simple glaze using the coconut milk/coconut cream mixture I've been using in my coffee, and it was delicious.
But by then I really needed to hustle so I wouldn't be late for work. I actually stood still for about a minute deciding whether or not to shower, and finally went with "yes". I had the time, although it was really annoying because I was itchy for about a half an hour afterwards. I've laid off my supplements during the LID but now I'm seeing that they actually do help me with all my weird and awkward physical conditions, like being itchy when I get out of the shower.
I had a district meeting scheduled for all morning to discuss this year's science fair, and I was late to that because I was talking to one of my sisters. The district lead found me on the phone and I told her I had to take the call, and why, and she was completely understanding about it. Everyone was very kind when I showed up 20 minutes late. I really appreciated that.
After the meeting I was so exhausted I went straight to my admin and asked to go home so I could sleep, and mercifully, I did -- I slept through the two alarms I'd set to go off at 2, and woke up at 2:25. I would've slept all afternoon if not for my second Thyrogen shot. I managed to get to the hospital at 3:15, so not too late, and the nurse who gave me my injection was super about the whole thing. He had lost his Mom to lung cancer back in January, so he had been through the hospice route also. One of the most awesome things he said was, "Not to make this about me..." He really did know exactly what it's like: the sadness mixed with relief.
And also craziness. There was some inter-sibling disagreement over the best time for Mom's funeral to be held, but it was scheduled for October 10, so we'll be heading back there. I've emailed everyone but there are still a few calls I should make. Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy.
I spent the afternoon watching mindless fluff on the television and doing some desultory web surfing, but finally got inspired to do my APA assignment homework about 10PM. Ridiculous, but it's done which is something because I didn't want to do anything.
Now it's off to bed where I expect I will sleep like a rock, again. Tomorrow is not an instructional day, thank God, but I'm not up much for playing with the students, either. We'll see how it goes. I get my tiny dose of radioactive iodine tomorrow, in preparation for my scan Friday. I wish there was an easier way to do this. Stretching it out over five days and having to drive all the way into Phoenix every day is killer - I've put more than 200 miles on the car in just two days! I'd like to scoff, but I can't -- this is what must be done.
I do have a sense that I'm hurtling faster towards some horrible news regarding my cancer. I spoke very briefly to my Mom yesterday, my sister held the phone to her hear so she could hear me. I'll see you soon is the thought that popped into my head, then, and it's still there. Of course I'm sad and exhausted, so that could explain it, or maybe it's just wishful thinking, or maybe it's just an odd thought. I do not think the dead share our perception of time, anyway. Who's to say what "soon" really means?
But by then I really needed to hustle so I wouldn't be late for work. I actually stood still for about a minute deciding whether or not to shower, and finally went with "yes". I had the time, although it was really annoying because I was itchy for about a half an hour afterwards. I've laid off my supplements during the LID but now I'm seeing that they actually do help me with all my weird and awkward physical conditions, like being itchy when I get out of the shower.
I had a district meeting scheduled for all morning to discuss this year's science fair, and I was late to that because I was talking to one of my sisters. The district lead found me on the phone and I told her I had to take the call, and why, and she was completely understanding about it. Everyone was very kind when I showed up 20 minutes late. I really appreciated that.
After the meeting I was so exhausted I went straight to my admin and asked to go home so I could sleep, and mercifully, I did -- I slept through the two alarms I'd set to go off at 2, and woke up at 2:25. I would've slept all afternoon if not for my second Thyrogen shot. I managed to get to the hospital at 3:15, so not too late, and the nurse who gave me my injection was super about the whole thing. He had lost his Mom to lung cancer back in January, so he had been through the hospice route also. One of the most awesome things he said was, "Not to make this about me..." He really did know exactly what it's like: the sadness mixed with relief.
And also craziness. There was some inter-sibling disagreement over the best time for Mom's funeral to be held, but it was scheduled for October 10, so we'll be heading back there. I've emailed everyone but there are still a few calls I should make. Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy.
I spent the afternoon watching mindless fluff on the television and doing some desultory web surfing, but finally got inspired to do my APA assignment homework about 10PM. Ridiculous, but it's done which is something because I didn't want to do anything.
Now it's off to bed where I expect I will sleep like a rock, again. Tomorrow is not an instructional day, thank God, but I'm not up much for playing with the students, either. We'll see how it goes. I get my tiny dose of radioactive iodine tomorrow, in preparation for my scan Friday. I wish there was an easier way to do this. Stretching it out over five days and having to drive all the way into Phoenix every day is killer - I've put more than 200 miles on the car in just two days! I'd like to scoff, but I can't -- this is what must be done.
I do have a sense that I'm hurtling faster towards some horrible news regarding my cancer. I spoke very briefly to my Mom yesterday, my sister held the phone to her hear so she could hear me. I'll see you soon is the thought that popped into my head, then, and it's still there. Of course I'm sad and exhausted, so that could explain it, or maybe it's just wishful thinking, or maybe it's just an odd thought. I do not think the dead share our perception of time, anyway. Who's to say what "soon" really means?
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
3AM phone calls are never good
The thing is, I was awake anyway, so I picked up the phone on the first ring.
It was my older sister. Mom died peacefully just after 6AM Eastern time. She slipped away when all four of my siblings had dropped off to sleep after being up with her all night. It is just like her to do that.
I've been processing this information for two hours now. I feel oddly detached, but I actually think that's pretty common, so not odd. Of course it could just be the Thyrogen shot that's making me feel weird.
I know I'm sad, but I don't feel like crying. I'm sure I will eventually, but crying is a tremendously difficult physical process for me, like hiccups (which are also very painful for me) but a hundred times worse. Crying never makes me feel better, so I don't. I mean, my eyes leak from time to time when I get choked up about something (I'm quite sentimental sometimes), but the sobbing, chest-heaving kind of crying is really quite horrible for me.
What I'm expecting is, I'll be fine until some random thing pushes me over an edge and then I'll lose it for a bit. There's a 100% chance that someone's expression of sympathy will be that random thing.
It is not a bad thing to say that Mom's death comes as a relief. She was suffering so much, and to lose her sight at the end was probably not the worst thing she had to endure physically but mentally was such a blow. Now she is at peace, with Dad and all her family that have gone before her.
And it's not just a relief for her, but for all of us, too. That sounds bad! It shouldn't. These weeks have been very hard on my brothers and sisters, watching her deteriorate and trying to keep her comfortable. I feel I can never thank them enough for the time and care they gave to Mom over this time. We have all be drawn closer together through these events.
I hope we can stay that way. Trying to imagine our family without Mom is impossible. We'll see how it goes.
It was my older sister. Mom died peacefully just after 6AM Eastern time. She slipped away when all four of my siblings had dropped off to sleep after being up with her all night. It is just like her to do that.
I've been processing this information for two hours now. I feel oddly detached, but I actually think that's pretty common, so not odd. Of course it could just be the Thyrogen shot that's making me feel weird.
I know I'm sad, but I don't feel like crying. I'm sure I will eventually, but crying is a tremendously difficult physical process for me, like hiccups (which are also very painful for me) but a hundred times worse. Crying never makes me feel better, so I don't. I mean, my eyes leak from time to time when I get choked up about something (I'm quite sentimental sometimes), but the sobbing, chest-heaving kind of crying is really quite horrible for me.
What I'm expecting is, I'll be fine until some random thing pushes me over an edge and then I'll lose it for a bit. There's a 100% chance that someone's expression of sympathy will be that random thing.
It is not a bad thing to say that Mom's death comes as a relief. She was suffering so much, and to lose her sight at the end was probably not the worst thing she had to endure physically but mentally was such a blow. Now she is at peace, with Dad and all her family that have gone before her.
And it's not just a relief for her, but for all of us, too. That sounds bad! It shouldn't. These weeks have been very hard on my brothers and sisters, watching her deteriorate and trying to keep her comfortable. I feel I can never thank them enough for the time and care they gave to Mom over this time. We have all be drawn closer together through these events.
I hope we can stay that way. Trying to imagine our family without Mom is impossible. We'll see how it goes.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
kidney failure is not an easy death
When my mother first went into hospice (July, about 10 weeks ago), I did a lot of research about what to expect. More than one website said that it was an "easy" death, with gradual organ failure leading to a peaceful death.
It didn't sound lovely, but it sounded tolerable. Like, that wouldn't be too hard to bear. And that's how it was, for a while.
Yesterday, Mom asked my brother, "What's wrong with your face?" It was a complete sentence, an entire thought, a rare thing these days. He told her, I was just crying. But today she told my sister she couldn't see, and my sister says her eyes are filming over. She says my father said exactly the same thing to her, What's wrong with your face? when he was dying.
She won't take food or water or medicine, now. They're giving her liquid morphine drops from time to time, and she sleeps. She cried out, "Help! Help!" just twice, today. Usually it's a lot more. Just a couple of weeks ago, she could still have a conversation, but sometimes she prayed in Polish, and she called out for her sister May, who has been gone more than 40 years.
The mental breakdown is sad, and it's especially sad that her sight has failed, since it was the one thing she had left. She loved looking out the window at the woods in her backyard, so I sent bird feeders to attach to her windows, to bring the birds closer to her. But now she can't even see them anymore.
The lie, though, was about the physical breakdown, and maybe it's just because my mother has so many degenerative conditions that it has not been a gentle descent. Horrible, painful things: wounds that won't heal; bowels that impact; scratching and scratching at itches that won't stop; wanting to get up and move, but not being able to sit up, much less get out of bed.
We are all grateful she can sleep, in the hope that she is not in pain.
It didn't sound lovely, but it sounded tolerable. Like, that wouldn't be too hard to bear. And that's how it was, for a while.
Yesterday, Mom asked my brother, "What's wrong with your face?" It was a complete sentence, an entire thought, a rare thing these days. He told her, I was just crying. But today she told my sister she couldn't see, and my sister says her eyes are filming over. She says my father said exactly the same thing to her, What's wrong with your face? when he was dying.
She won't take food or water or medicine, now. They're giving her liquid morphine drops from time to time, and she sleeps. She cried out, "Help! Help!" just twice, today. Usually it's a lot more. Just a couple of weeks ago, she could still have a conversation, but sometimes she prayed in Polish, and she called out for her sister May, who has been gone more than 40 years.
The mental breakdown is sad, and it's especially sad that her sight has failed, since it was the one thing she had left. She loved looking out the window at the woods in her backyard, so I sent bird feeders to attach to her windows, to bring the birds closer to her. But now she can't even see them anymore.
The lie, though, was about the physical breakdown, and maybe it's just because my mother has so many degenerative conditions that it has not been a gentle descent. Horrible, painful things: wounds that won't heal; bowels that impact; scratching and scratching at itches that won't stop; wanting to get up and move, but not being able to sit up, much less get out of bed.
We are all grateful she can sleep, in the hope that she is not in pain.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
unraveling around the edges
By the end of this week, I could feel myself coming apart. My two classes after lunch are always more boisterous than the morning classes. but this week, they just seemed crazy, and I had to really struggle with myself to take the effort to bring them under control.
My biggest issue is one class where I have two very disruptive students, who insist on doing nothing, or bothering other students, or often, both. I'm still looking for a sweet spot, the perfect technique of redirecting them that actually gets them back on task without the entire class screeching to halt while I do it. My redirects fall on death ears, anyway. Very frustruating.
I started this post some time last weekend, but it still more or less applies. I'm heading into my last week of LID, and physically I just feel off. I've been staying up late so I can stay more or less caught up with grading and grad school homework, so I'm constantly exhausted.
I have two more days of school before fall break, but I won't actually be around for a good part of it, because I have to leave early on Monday and Tuesday to go up to Phoenix for my Thyrogen shots. Tuesday morning I'll be in a meeting to plan this year's science fair, which is of course the topic I've been more or less obsessed with, since I'm doing my non-thesis project on implementing it as a portfolio. (It's going OK for most students, but I'm still not reaching everyone.)
Mom's decline continues. She rarely speaks in sentences anymore, and her mobility is severely limited. She can't hold a cup anymore, or feed herself. Writing this out I can feel a weight on my heart. She is suffering, and I pray for peace for her, and for all of us. The time is getting shorter, now.
I ping-pong between thinking of Mom and my own health issues. I would love my scan to be clean but I'll be shocked if it is, since the pain in my collar bone is nearly constant, and I have a new hard node just under my jawbone that's causing that new odd pain. Pain is an unreliable indicator, but it is a worry.
At least I'm eating well. Since I have to eat what I cook, I'm cooking a lot. I do consider making guacamole to be cooking, especially as I've modified the Chipotle recipe and I'm practically living off it.
I-have-all-this-stuff-in-the-house Guacamole
(Chipotle's recipe with substitutions for the onion, jalepeno, and cilantro)
2 ripe avocados
1/4 tsp + kosher salt
juice of 1 lime
1 shallot, diced fine
cayenne pepper to taste
~1 tablespoon parsley (rehydrated dried)
It's the lime, I think, that makes it so divine.
(But I've also made carnitas, and roasted onions, and a beautiful chicken cacciatore, and chili, and awesome chicken breasts with lemon, garlic, and rosemary, and ratatouille. We seem to be eating a lot of chicken, but no one's complaining. I even managed to make quite excellent gravy twice, once for chicken, and once for turkey -- roasting over aromatics makes all the difference.)
My biggest issue is one class where I have two very disruptive students, who insist on doing nothing, or bothering other students, or often, both. I'm still looking for a sweet spot, the perfect technique of redirecting them that actually gets them back on task without the entire class screeching to halt while I do it. My redirects fall on death ears, anyway. Very frustruating.
I started this post some time last weekend, but it still more or less applies. I'm heading into my last week of LID, and physically I just feel off. I've been staying up late so I can stay more or less caught up with grading and grad school homework, so I'm constantly exhausted.
I have two more days of school before fall break, but I won't actually be around for a good part of it, because I have to leave early on Monday and Tuesday to go up to Phoenix for my Thyrogen shots. Tuesday morning I'll be in a meeting to plan this year's science fair, which is of course the topic I've been more or less obsessed with, since I'm doing my non-thesis project on implementing it as a portfolio. (It's going OK for most students, but I'm still not reaching everyone.)
Mom's decline continues. She rarely speaks in sentences anymore, and her mobility is severely limited. She can't hold a cup anymore, or feed herself. Writing this out I can feel a weight on my heart. She is suffering, and I pray for peace for her, and for all of us. The time is getting shorter, now.
I ping-pong between thinking of Mom and my own health issues. I would love my scan to be clean but I'll be shocked if it is, since the pain in my collar bone is nearly constant, and I have a new hard node just under my jawbone that's causing that new odd pain. Pain is an unreliable indicator, but it is a worry.
At least I'm eating well. Since I have to eat what I cook, I'm cooking a lot. I do consider making guacamole to be cooking, especially as I've modified the Chipotle recipe and I'm practically living off it.
I-have-all-this-stuff-in-the-house Guacamole
(Chipotle's recipe with substitutions for the onion, jalepeno, and cilantro)
2 ripe avocados
1/4 tsp + kosher salt
juice of 1 lime
1 shallot, diced fine
cayenne pepper to taste
~1 tablespoon parsley (rehydrated dried)
It's the lime, I think, that makes it so divine.
(But I've also made carnitas, and roasted onions, and a beautiful chicken cacciatore, and chili, and awesome chicken breasts with lemon, garlic, and rosemary, and ratatouille. We seem to be eating a lot of chicken, but no one's complaining. I even managed to make quite excellent gravy twice, once for chicken, and once for turkey -- roasting over aromatics makes all the difference.)
Thursday, September 10, 2015
not sleeping
I fell asleep on the couch at some point... maybe 10-ish? And woke up at 2, and I'm still up. I tried to get back to sleep, but I just don't feel good. My stomach is roiling (although better now that I had a couple of ginger mints) and my eyes feel cruddy and my brain is going a hundred miles an hour. I could really use some sleep but I think I'm getting to the point (...depression...) where I'm just not doing the right thing.
Example: I had a perfectly good dinner of leftover steak and ratatouille and then some cornbread. I really wasn't hungry at all, but I finished off a bag of potato chips. That sounds horrible but is not as bad as it was yesterday, if only because there were far fewer chips left in the bag today. Then I had some of DD's cheese puffs, just because they were sitting there. Another example: I had my 2 glasses of wine, but then had an elderflower spritz, just because. (I'm beginning to suspect that elderflower liqueur does not agree with me, but it is delicious. I feel like I'm hungover but I don't think I had enough alcohol to cause that!)
It's funny how I mix up emotional feelings and physical feelings sometimes. Like when I've had a physical lump in my throat it felt exactly like wanting to cry. But now I have this feeling like something is squeezing my heart, but it's not a physical feeling at all, it's just how I experience sadness. I swing back and forth between thinking it's good I have so much to do, it keeps me busy, and thinking I'm crazy for trying to do all this - master's class, master's project, teaching almost 200 students - at the same time that I have so much going on in my personal life. DS1 is in college, and DD and DS2 are at a very challenging high school and are pursuing piano at advanced levels. DH wrenched his back a few weeks ago and is still not back to 100%. The pain by my collarbone almost never goes away now -- but doing my neck physical therapy exercises 4x/day finally seems to be giving me some relief from the neck muscle issues.
And overshadowing all that, of course, is Mom in hospice, and my brothers and sisters caring for her, while I am here, useless to them.
Now I'm mad at myself (again) because I've been up for 3 hours and have nothing to show for it. At least my next two days at school are light on instruction, so I should be able to manage on the little sleep I did get.
Example: I had a perfectly good dinner of leftover steak and ratatouille and then some cornbread. I really wasn't hungry at all, but I finished off a bag of potato chips. That sounds horrible but is not as bad as it was yesterday, if only because there were far fewer chips left in the bag today. Then I had some of DD's cheese puffs, just because they were sitting there. Another example: I had my 2 glasses of wine, but then had an elderflower spritz, just because. (I'm beginning to suspect that elderflower liqueur does not agree with me, but it is delicious. I feel like I'm hungover but I don't think I had enough alcohol to cause that!)
It's funny how I mix up emotional feelings and physical feelings sometimes. Like when I've had a physical lump in my throat it felt exactly like wanting to cry. But now I have this feeling like something is squeezing my heart, but it's not a physical feeling at all, it's just how I experience sadness. I swing back and forth between thinking it's good I have so much to do, it keeps me busy, and thinking I'm crazy for trying to do all this - master's class, master's project, teaching almost 200 students - at the same time that I have so much going on in my personal life. DS1 is in college, and DD and DS2 are at a very challenging high school and are pursuing piano at advanced levels. DH wrenched his back a few weeks ago and is still not back to 100%. The pain by my collarbone almost never goes away now -- but doing my neck physical therapy exercises 4x/day finally seems to be giving me some relief from the neck muscle issues.
And overshadowing all that, of course, is Mom in hospice, and my brothers and sisters caring for her, while I am here, useless to them.
Now I'm mad at myself (again) because I've been up for 3 hours and have nothing to show for it. At least my next two days at school are light on instruction, so I should be able to manage on the little sleep I did get.
Monday, September 07, 2015
pending...
This week, I scheduled ten different medical appointments for myself. In three weeks, I'm having another Thyrogen-stimulated whole body scan, and after that I'm getting a CT. But before that, I'm having that red spot on my arm checked out. It looks like a bug bite, but it has looked like a bug bite since July and hasn't changed a bit. My ex's mother had small basal carcinoma in exactly the same place, so I'm a little worried that the same thing is going on there. With any luck, it will be nothing.
I can't be so complacent about the rest of the appointments. I'll be amazed if they don't find anything, really. I just hope they don't want to give me a treatment dose, because I don't want to miss the other tests I have coming up (the colonoscopy I've been putting off for years, and the above-mentioned CT scan.) The maybe-muscle pain in my neck still kicks in from time to time. It is so frustrating to exercise and stretch faithfully for months on end and not make any progress. I think eventually I shouldn't need to do these exercises, right? It should heal? Apparently not.
Since the mysterious nosebleed I've definitely had more front-of-the-head congestion. It's behind but below my eyes, very weird. Of course I haven't been to see my ENT because he has no appointments available and I don't have time to drive up to 44th & Camelback even if he did. So I'm just pretending everything is OK there, too.
Since this is a three-day weekend, I have given myself way too much time off. I've finished my reading for Wednesday's class, but I still have to put together my presentation. I've updated my lesson plans, materials, and website for this week's teaching, but I haven't even looked at my grading. I would feel worse about that if I had other assignments coming in soon, but the next batch of grading won't be collected until this coming Friday, so some of the pressure is off.
Yesterday I took the kids to brunch at Snooze(delightful), and we cruised the farmer's market in Gilbert while we waited for our table. It was definitely a first because they encouraged me to buy vegetables to make ratatouille, which I did for supper last night. I roasted all the vegetables separately and then combined them at the end with garlic, thyme, and rosemary (the last from our yard). It was a spectacular success, and roasting them was so much easier than sauteing them all.
I spoke to Mom for the briefest exchange today. She slept all day and didn't really want to talk but let me tell her I love her. She sleeps through most days now, but occasionally is more wakeful. She is hardly eating or drinking anything. I saw a photo of Mom this week and she looked puffy to me, so I asked my sister what she thought and she said, yes, she is retaining fluids. This is expected, part of the process. My sister and I had a morbid conversation wherein we both hope that Mom hangs on until, for my sister, she gets back from her upcoming trip, and for me, until all my tests are done -- I can't bear the thought of having to reschedule them all. But both of us know we will do what we have to do. We must be content with knowing that Mom is comfortable and at home. She says she is not having any pain and she is able to sleep, and those are good things. Last weekend her breathing was very irregular but then it evened out again, so we're seeing the process advance like the tide -- waves coming in and going out, and the overall water level underneath changing almost imperceptibly, day by day.
One more week before I'm back on the low iodine diet. Sounds like a good excuse to go for sushi.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
settling
We have been home for five weeks and in that time started school and moved DS1 up to his campus. It doesn't seem like enough time to establish a routine, but we getting there. This last week was odd, not having him around, but we're getting used to it.
Mom seems fairly stable this week. Issues that were plaguing her last week seem to have resolved. Specifically, she had huge bruises up and down her arms from scratching too hard, but the diligence of my siblings in keeping her from scratching and putting lotion on her have helped enormously. I talk to her every day, and some days we even can have a conversation. Yesterday was not one of those days. She couldn't hear a word I said, even though I was literally shouting into the phone. It's hard. One of my brothers told me how, from week to week, he notices little things, like she's having a harder time finding the right word (like saying"red berries" instead of cherry tomatoes). And one of my sisters told me how, for a very short time, Mom seemed like a completely different (and very aggressive) person. It's all expected but that doesn't make it any easier.
I still don't know what I'm doing for my own diagnostics this fall. Just yesterday and continuing today I have what I think is muscle pain under my right ear. (I just put a heat pack on it and it felt good, but as soon as I took off the heat, the pain came back.) I have been doing my physical therapy stretches religiously, but the tension in my right neck never seems to resolve. This new pain is different from just the usual muscle tension, which only hurts when I turn my head the wrong way. This hurts all the time, enough to distract me.
On Wednesday I left school to go pick up the kids, thinking that my grad class was starting that day. (It didn't, that's this week.) I was texting DD to be please be ready when I felt what I can only describe as a little "pop!" and then felt drainage down the back of my throat. It tasted a little salty, and I thought, is that mucus, or it it blood? Question answered when blood started dripping from my nose. Fortunately there is a new ER literally two blocks away from my school, so I pulled in there. The waiting room was empty, so they took my right away. The doctor gave me a nasal spray that has a vasal constrictor in it, and eventually the bleeding stopped. He thinks a small blood vessel broke. (My blood pressure was slightly higher than it usually is, but nothing to be alarmed about.) And he wants me to see my ENT, but my ENT was on vacation last week and the earliest I can get to see him is September 20. I did not book the appointment, mainly because I don't want to have to deal with this.
Still, every time I go out into the heat I worry about it happening again. My car was super hot that day, and I wonder if that had anything to do with it. So far it has been OK, I just want it to stay that way.
I'm mostly dug out from the huge amount of grading I had to do. Now I just have to get my file system set up and all the papers I've collected (not that many, really), filed. Of course both 7th and 8th grades are having another test this week, so just as I clear the deck of grading, a new pile will arrive! Oh, and I have 25 pages of reading to do before Wednesday, but I think I should be able to manage that.
Had dinner with all the kids at a nice Italian place last night after mass. It was great having everyone together again, but the time went way too quickly!
Mom seems fairly stable this week. Issues that were plaguing her last week seem to have resolved. Specifically, she had huge bruises up and down her arms from scratching too hard, but the diligence of my siblings in keeping her from scratching and putting lotion on her have helped enormously. I talk to her every day, and some days we even can have a conversation. Yesterday was not one of those days. She couldn't hear a word I said, even though I was literally shouting into the phone. It's hard. One of my brothers told me how, from week to week, he notices little things, like she's having a harder time finding the right word (like saying"red berries" instead of cherry tomatoes). And one of my sisters told me how, for a very short time, Mom seemed like a completely different (and very aggressive) person. It's all expected but that doesn't make it any easier.
I still don't know what I'm doing for my own diagnostics this fall. Just yesterday and continuing today I have what I think is muscle pain under my right ear. (I just put a heat pack on it and it felt good, but as soon as I took off the heat, the pain came back.) I have been doing my physical therapy stretches religiously, but the tension in my right neck never seems to resolve. This new pain is different from just the usual muscle tension, which only hurts when I turn my head the wrong way. This hurts all the time, enough to distract me.
On Wednesday I left school to go pick up the kids, thinking that my grad class was starting that day. (It didn't, that's this week.) I was texting DD to be please be ready when I felt what I can only describe as a little "pop!" and then felt drainage down the back of my throat. It tasted a little salty, and I thought, is that mucus, or it it blood? Question answered when blood started dripping from my nose. Fortunately there is a new ER literally two blocks away from my school, so I pulled in there. The waiting room was empty, so they took my right away. The doctor gave me a nasal spray that has a vasal constrictor in it, and eventually the bleeding stopped. He thinks a small blood vessel broke. (My blood pressure was slightly higher than it usually is, but nothing to be alarmed about.) And he wants me to see my ENT, but my ENT was on vacation last week and the earliest I can get to see him is September 20. I did not book the appointment, mainly because I don't want to have to deal with this.
Still, every time I go out into the heat I worry about it happening again. My car was super hot that day, and I wonder if that had anything to do with it. So far it has been OK, I just want it to stay that way.
I'm mostly dug out from the huge amount of grading I had to do. Now I just have to get my file system set up and all the papers I've collected (not that many, really), filed. Of course both 7th and 8th grades are having another test this week, so just as I clear the deck of grading, a new pile will arrive! Oh, and I have 25 pages of reading to do before Wednesday, but I think I should be able to manage that.
Had dinner with all the kids at a nice Italian place last night after mass. It was great having everyone together again, but the time went way too quickly!
14, 16, 18.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
nuclear family
We're down to four, at least during the semester.
DS1's check-in time was 7:30-8AM, so we got up ungodly early, loaded up the van, and took him to Glendale. The process was extremely well-organized and staffed by an abundance (perhaps an over-abundance) of enthusiastic young people, there to help with directions, advice, and general good will. I spent a great deal of time patching his backpack, which he has had since first or second grade and won't give up. He may not have brought a stuffed animal, but he has his security backpack!
He didn't bring much past the necessities, since we're so close. Thought he'd take the time to figure out what he really wants and then we'll (he'll) get it. His roommate, a nice guy from San Diego, was the opposite, so their respective ends of the room could not look less alike. DS1 doesn't even have a hanger in his closet because all the clothes he brought are the folded, in-the-drawer kind. (DH was surprised by the idea that he would go to class in gym shorts. "When did college students become slobs?" He doesn't realize that high school students will go to school in pajamas if they're allowed. Gym shorts are actually clothing meant to be worn outside the bedroom, so they're OK.)
It's very strange having my boy not here and not just out at a friend's, but really not-here, as in, I don't know when I'm going to see him again. I'd like to talk to him but I don't want to be a pest. Eventually I will get over that and send a text telling him I'd like to catch up on how things are going... that would probably be OK.
Mom's condition continues to deteriorate. School, grad school, upcoming medical tests are all just background noise right now. I'm managing.
DS1's check-in time was 7:30-8AM, so we got up ungodly early, loaded up the van, and took him to Glendale. The process was extremely well-organized and staffed by an abundance (perhaps an over-abundance) of enthusiastic young people, there to help with directions, advice, and general good will. I spent a great deal of time patching his backpack, which he has had since first or second grade and won't give up. He may not have brought a stuffed animal, but he has his security backpack!
He didn't bring much past the necessities, since we're so close. Thought he'd take the time to figure out what he really wants and then we'll (he'll) get it. His roommate, a nice guy from San Diego, was the opposite, so their respective ends of the room could not look less alike. DS1 doesn't even have a hanger in his closet because all the clothes he brought are the folded, in-the-drawer kind. (DH was surprised by the idea that he would go to class in gym shorts. "When did college students become slobs?" He doesn't realize that high school students will go to school in pajamas if they're allowed. Gym shorts are actually clothing meant to be worn outside the bedroom, so they're OK.)
It's very strange having my boy not here and not just out at a friend's, but really not-here, as in, I don't know when I'm going to see him again. I'd like to talk to him but I don't want to be a pest. Eventually I will get over that and send a text telling him I'd like to catch up on how things are going... that would probably be OK.
Mom's condition continues to deteriorate. School, grad school, upcoming medical tests are all just background noise right now. I'm managing.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
everything looks different from here
We arrived home from Massachusetts just three weeks ago. It's the weirdest thing, this feeling that everything is completely different while at the same time feeling exactly the same.
Teaching is going spectacularly, unexpectedly well, although this week I have a huge amount of grading to do, and I'm behind in getting my file system set up. I have nearly 200 students (!!!) this year, and consequently I'm not cutting anyone any slack. Fortunately the 7th grade cohort is really outstanding -- they just completed their first lab and were very well behaved. I do have to read their lab worksheets and grade them to know how well they did, but I have the feeling they did they well.
It's odd to have some energy left at the end of the day. I'd be happier if I hadn't come down with a cold last weekend, but taking quercetin seems to be helping me recover faster than usual. It's nearly gone and it hasn't even been a week a yet.
Back in Massachusetts, Mom's condition is deteriorating. I call every day but we only talk for a few minutes. I try to tell her about what's going on here, but I don't know how much she can hear. She never tells me how she's really feeling. Texts from my siblings tell (and show) the bruises she has from scratching herself and the breakdown of her systems, and I hear about the pain that started yesterday and took far too long to get under control. There is literally nothing I can do. I call, I text. I talk on the phone. I'm not there and I want to be, but that's the way it has to be for now.
DS1 is going to college in about 5 hours. We'll load up the van and drive him up to the west campus and help him move in and, I suppose, leave. I'm going to miss him so. I don't know if I'm worried about him or not. I think he'll be OK, but he is a bit absent-minded-professor-y. He will find his own way, though, I know it. In a last-ditch fit of nostalgia, I took the three kids to Barnes & Noble after school today. It felt right, all driving over together and getting a snack in the cafe. It made for a nice low-key send-off, because neither sibling will be around when we leave early Saturday morning.
My shoulder has been giving me trouble on and off (using the mousepad on this laptop for any length of time is sure to trigger pain), but it is much better since I've been consistent with the physical therapy exercises, and it's not disturbing my sleep anymore. So I'm more or less nonchalant about scheduling my followup testing (I did do the vision field test - all clear!). Dr S, the surgeon at our local MD Anderson wants me to do a CT, but Dr. B my endo wants me to have a whole body scan. I talked to Dr. S's assistant and asked her if the doctors could confer and she said no, it would have to be my call. This did not sit well with me. I even called and talked to the BC/BS nurse on-call about it, who told me I should talk to Dr B and see, because if the WBS is positive, wouldn't she order a CT anyway? This situation was nagging at me until today when I had a chance to talk to Y at the hospital, and she looked at my chart and said they recommended PET/CT followup, not a whole body scan, but she would have the nuc med doctor review my chart and decide what I should have for followup, and then discuss it with Dr B. I'm glad that conversation is taking place at the doctor level and not with me, because I really don't feel qualified to make this decision.
I'm in no hurry to get treatment anyway. I need the Mom situation to resolve (lovely euphemism there) and I'm teaching and I'm working on my Master's degree. I'm sort of flying by the seat of my pants on the non-thesis project, but that's OK because I'll spend next semester writing it up after it has actually been implemented. I had a phone meeting with my adviser at NAU and we tentatively planned for me to graduate at the end of next summer. If all goes reasonably well, it should be doable.
I'm aware that this is an extraordinary time, kind of a bubble. Many things that would have me fretting in the past are eliciting little more than a shrug and the acknowledgement that they'll get done eventually. So far no one seems to even notice that anything is different, even though I feel about one-tenth as engaged in planning and preparation as I normally am. Since it's my third year, I'm confident that I can do this job and I'm not (yet) having any problems moving the students through the curriculum. I have about another week and a half before my NAU class starts up, and it is only one class, a literature review. It's on Wednesday, which remains piano lesson night, so the schedule will be easier this semester since only one evening a week will be weird. Except I just remembered that I have staff meetings every other Wednesday so I will have to plan for that or else I'll be late for class every other week! That's a perfect example of how my thinking is, these days. Obvious problems are not so obvious to me.
I still need to plan my research/stewardship project to finish my summer course...
In these past few weeks I have seen how much having a drink or two helps me feel, not exactly better, just... less compressed at the end of the day. I can see how it could become a habit, and then a problem. Just the fact that I'm thinking about it in these terms helps reassure me that won't happen, but it's not something I can be complacent about, especially given how much I like a good bourbon.
Teaching is going spectacularly, unexpectedly well, although this week I have a huge amount of grading to do, and I'm behind in getting my file system set up. I have nearly 200 students (!!!) this year, and consequently I'm not cutting anyone any slack. Fortunately the 7th grade cohort is really outstanding -- they just completed their first lab and were very well behaved. I do have to read their lab worksheets and grade them to know how well they did, but I have the feeling they did they well.
It's odd to have some energy left at the end of the day. I'd be happier if I hadn't come down with a cold last weekend, but taking quercetin seems to be helping me recover faster than usual. It's nearly gone and it hasn't even been a week a yet.
Back in Massachusetts, Mom's condition is deteriorating. I call every day but we only talk for a few minutes. I try to tell her about what's going on here, but I don't know how much she can hear. She never tells me how she's really feeling. Texts from my siblings tell (and show) the bruises she has from scratching herself and the breakdown of her systems, and I hear about the pain that started yesterday and took far too long to get under control. There is literally nothing I can do. I call, I text. I talk on the phone. I'm not there and I want to be, but that's the way it has to be for now.
DS1 is going to college in about 5 hours. We'll load up the van and drive him up to the west campus and help him move in and, I suppose, leave. I'm going to miss him so. I don't know if I'm worried about him or not. I think he'll be OK, but he is a bit absent-minded-professor-y. He will find his own way, though, I know it. In a last-ditch fit of nostalgia, I took the three kids to Barnes & Noble after school today. It felt right, all driving over together and getting a snack in the cafe. It made for a nice low-key send-off, because neither sibling will be around when we leave early Saturday morning.
My shoulder has been giving me trouble on and off (using the mousepad on this laptop for any length of time is sure to trigger pain), but it is much better since I've been consistent with the physical therapy exercises, and it's not disturbing my sleep anymore. So I'm more or less nonchalant about scheduling my followup testing (I did do the vision field test - all clear!). Dr S, the surgeon at our local MD Anderson wants me to do a CT, but Dr. B my endo wants me to have a whole body scan. I talked to Dr. S's assistant and asked her if the doctors could confer and she said no, it would have to be my call. This did not sit well with me. I even called and talked to the BC/BS nurse on-call about it, who told me I should talk to Dr B and see, because if the WBS is positive, wouldn't she order a CT anyway? This situation was nagging at me until today when I had a chance to talk to Y at the hospital, and she looked at my chart and said they recommended PET/CT followup, not a whole body scan, but she would have the nuc med doctor review my chart and decide what I should have for followup, and then discuss it with Dr B. I'm glad that conversation is taking place at the doctor level and not with me, because I really don't feel qualified to make this decision.
I'm in no hurry to get treatment anyway. I need the Mom situation to resolve (lovely euphemism there) and I'm teaching and I'm working on my Master's degree. I'm sort of flying by the seat of my pants on the non-thesis project, but that's OK because I'll spend next semester writing it up after it has actually been implemented. I had a phone meeting with my adviser at NAU and we tentatively planned for me to graduate at the end of next summer. If all goes reasonably well, it should be doable.
I'm aware that this is an extraordinary time, kind of a bubble. Many things that would have me fretting in the past are eliciting little more than a shrug and the acknowledgement that they'll get done eventually. So far no one seems to even notice that anything is different, even though I feel about one-tenth as engaged in planning and preparation as I normally am. Since it's my third year, I'm confident that I can do this job and I'm not (yet) having any problems moving the students through the curriculum. I have about another week and a half before my NAU class starts up, and it is only one class, a literature review. It's on Wednesday, which remains piano lesson night, so the schedule will be easier this semester since only one evening a week will be weird. Except I just remembered that I have staff meetings every other Wednesday so I will have to plan for that or else I'll be late for class every other week! That's a perfect example of how my thinking is, these days. Obvious problems are not so obvious to me.
I still need to plan my research/stewardship project to finish my summer course...
In these past few weeks I have seen how much having a drink or two helps me feel, not exactly better, just... less compressed at the end of the day. I can see how it could become a habit, and then a problem. Just the fact that I'm thinking about it in these terms helps reassure me that won't happen, but it's not something I can be complacent about, especially given how much I like a good bourbon.
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