Wednesday, September 30, 2015

mixed up day

Waking up at 3AM and not being able to get back to sleep put a haze of exhaustion over the morning.  I puttered around in the kitchen packing up pumpkin gingerbread (I used quinoa and tapioca flours, plus almond meal - a cup of each, and subbed honey for half of the molasses. Why do I always run out of molasses?!) and  I made a simple glaze using the coconut milk/coconut cream mixture I've been using in my coffee, and it was delicious.

But by then I really needed to hustle so I wouldn't be late for work.  I actually stood still for about a minute deciding whether or not to shower, and finally went with "yes".  I had the time, although it was really annoying because I was itchy for about a half an hour afterwards.  I've laid off my supplements during the LID but now I'm seeing that they actually do help me with all my weird and awkward physical conditions, like being itchy when I get out of the shower.

I had a district meeting scheduled for all morning to discuss this year's science fair, and I was late to that because I was talking to one of my sisters.  The district lead found me on the phone and I told her I had to take the call, and why, and she was completely understanding about it.  Everyone was very kind when I showed up 20 minutes late.  I really appreciated that.

After the meeting I was so exhausted I went straight to my admin and asked to go home so I could sleep, and mercifully, I did -- I slept through the two alarms I'd set to go off at 2, and woke up at 2:25.  I would've slept all afternoon if not for my second Thyrogen shot.  I managed to get to the hospital at 3:15, so not too late, and the nurse who gave me my injection was super about the whole thing.  He had lost his Mom to lung cancer back in January, so he had been through the hospice route also.  One of the most awesome things he said was, "Not to make this about me..." He really did know exactly what it's like: the sadness mixed with relief.

And also craziness.  There was some inter-sibling disagreement over the best time for Mom's funeral to be held, but it was scheduled for October 10, so we'll be heading back there.  I've emailed everyone but there are still a few calls I should make.  Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy.

I spent the afternoon watching mindless fluff on the television and doing some desultory web surfing, but finally got inspired to do my APA assignment homework about 10PM.  Ridiculous, but it's done which is something because I didn't want to do anything.

Now it's off to bed where I expect I will sleep like a rock, again.   Tomorrow is not an instructional day, thank God, but I'm not up much for playing with the students, either.  We'll see how it goes.   I get my tiny dose of radioactive iodine tomorrow, in preparation for my scan Friday.  I wish there was an easier way to do this.  Stretching it out over five days and having to drive all the way into Phoenix every day is killer - I've put more than 200 miles on the car in just two days!  I'd like to scoff, but I can't -- this is what must be done.

I do have a sense that I'm hurtling faster towards some horrible news regarding my cancer. I spoke very briefly to my Mom yesterday, my sister held the phone to her hear so she could hear me.  I'll see you soon is the thought that popped into my head, then, and it's still there. Of course I'm sad and exhausted, so that could explain it, or maybe it's just wishful thinking, or maybe it's just an odd thought.  I do not think the dead share our perception of time, anyway.  Who's to say what "soon" really means?

1 comment:

nina said...

I would think when someone we love dies, or even someone we know of as a mother of an internet friend, thoughts of death, including one's own death, trickle to the surface.

Of course I hope all this passes for you soon, with good results. Of course.