Various calls to insurance companies and doctor's offices finally resulted in a call back telling me that I should have an answer by February 24, but that it was likely to be no. February 24 came and went and I still have no news.
The suits at the insurance company are unlikely to approve my PET scan because I have not had a negative RAI whole body scan in several years. It doesn't matter to them that my WBS are always negative unless I get a treatment (much, much larger) dose, and that my tumor marker is already half of what it was when I had my recurrence.
So I'm just going on the assumption that they'll refuse it, and when December rolls around again, I'll have the WBS (which will be negative) so they'll approve the PET scan. Next year. This is, after all, a slow-growing, die-with-not-die-from (usually) kind of cancer I'm dealing with.
I would feel a lot more relaxed about this if I didn't have an on-and-off pain by my collar bone, right by my scar. It's probably an adhesion but it hurts, when it hurts, and it's different. Still, pain has nothing to do with metastases. Usually.
In other news, I am completely buried in work because we are in the midst of the science fair, which looks amazing -- the entire school's projects set up in the gym. So much work on display, and much to be proud of (and quite a bit to inspire all the students who were lacking in motivation this year, for next year.) On top of that, student-led conferences kept me at school until 7PM tonight, but DH grilled steaks for dinner so the evening was actually delightful.
Tomorrow DS1 heads down to Tuscon with his class for a field trip to U of A; he has to be at school at 6:30AM. Last night was his performance in Antigone, a truly stellar production by his drama class. Sometime I'll find time to grade the 160-odd display boards and reports my students have turned in... spring break is only a week away and God knows I don't want to spend my entire break grading.
At the rate I'm losing time, I won't even notice until it's half over.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
adventures in health insurance
When I got my new job in July, I got new insurance. For the first time in my adult life, I am not covered by Blue Cross/Blue Shield. While I know a few people who have had major problems with BC/BS, they never hassled me, even when I went to M. D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston for treatment of my first recurrence.
But now I don't have BC/BS anymore, and I'm finding out what life is like under Cigna. Up until now, there haven't been any issues. Thursday afternoon I got a call from AZ Molecular Imaging, the facility where I'm supposed to get my PET/CT scan, telling me that my pre-certification for the scan was denied.
Friday I spent about an hour on the phone, first with Cigna proper, who had no record of any request. Then back to AZMI, who told me that Cigna contracts out these approvals to a company called Med Solutions. So then I had to call Med Solutions to find out why the authorization was denied. That's 3 sentences, but it took about 45 minutes.
Med Solutions has a checklist for cases like mine, and since the "negative RAI whole body scan" box could not be checked, they denied the authorization. They don't know my history of perpetually negative scans, even when I had my recurrence in 2006, even though my doctor included her notes on my case. My endo doesn't order WBS for me anymore since they are expensive and disruptive, requiring 2 weeks on the low-iodine diet, and if they're always going to be negative anyway, what would be the point?
The next step is, my endo's office will appeal. The insurance company has 30 days to respond, which I fully expect them to take, so I'll have this scan pending for another month, at least. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to make some plans for the short-term future by mid-April.
So, for now, I'm just trying to keep this whole "rising tumor marker, need a scan, can't get a scan yet" situation compartmentalized so it doesn't make me crazy. Some days I'm more successful at that than others.
But now I don't have BC/BS anymore, and I'm finding out what life is like under Cigna. Up until now, there haven't been any issues. Thursday afternoon I got a call from AZ Molecular Imaging, the facility where I'm supposed to get my PET/CT scan, telling me that my pre-certification for the scan was denied.
Friday I spent about an hour on the phone, first with Cigna proper, who had no record of any request. Then back to AZMI, who told me that Cigna contracts out these approvals to a company called Med Solutions. So then I had to call Med Solutions to find out why the authorization was denied. That's 3 sentences, but it took about 45 minutes.
Med Solutions has a checklist for cases like mine, and since the "negative RAI whole body scan" box could not be checked, they denied the authorization. They don't know my history of perpetually negative scans, even when I had my recurrence in 2006, even though my doctor included her notes on my case. My endo doesn't order WBS for me anymore since they are expensive and disruptive, requiring 2 weeks on the low-iodine diet, and if they're always going to be negative anyway, what would be the point?
The next step is, my endo's office will appeal. The insurance company has 30 days to respond, which I fully expect them to take, so I'll have this scan pending for another month, at least. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to make some plans for the short-term future by mid-April.
So, for now, I'm just trying to keep this whole "rising tumor marker, need a scan, can't get a scan yet" situation compartmentalized so it doesn't make me crazy. Some days I'm more successful at that than others.
Tuesday, February 04, 2014
recurrence, again, eventually
I had my endo appointment last week. As I feared, my Tg (tumor marker) went up again, to 5.5. That persistent node in my right cervical chain is still persisting, but doesn't look suspicious. I think it's basically the last functioning node in my right cervical chain, so it gets enlarged trying to do the job of all the nodes that were removed in earlier surgeries. It is, in a sense, a superhero node working permanent overtime. Of course, it could also be a cancerous node, but even after all these years it doesn't ever present as one.
The tech also imaged a new, totally innocent looking smaller node on my left side. Weird.
Since I had an MRI last year, we're going with a PET scan this year. I intensely dislike these annual reminders that I have cancer, but we can't find it. Nothing we can do, just have to wait and see if it ever gets big enough to treat.
I am slightly depressed over this. I want to stay in bed and do nothing, but that's really not an option, so I end up not doing some things and choosing to do other, more random tasks, and just being extremely grumpy all the time, which is exhausting.
I don't like not knowing what's going to happen, and for now, I don't even know when the PET scan will be, so I don't know when I'll know what's going on with me. I feel fine, mostly, just a little congested and chronically tired, but both are mostly caused by lack of sleep.
Here's the thing: there is literally nothing I can do about this. I dislike having so little control. I fully expect a negative scan, and to keep on getting negative scans, for at least another 10 years or so. Eventually, something may light up and we'll have to go cut it out, but I don't see that happening any time soon.
And on that happy note, it's off to bed.
The tech also imaged a new, totally innocent looking smaller node on my left side. Weird.
Since I had an MRI last year, we're going with a PET scan this year. I intensely dislike these annual reminders that I have cancer, but we can't find it. Nothing we can do, just have to wait and see if it ever gets big enough to treat.
I am slightly depressed over this. I want to stay in bed and do nothing, but that's really not an option, so I end up not doing some things and choosing to do other, more random tasks, and just being extremely grumpy all the time, which is exhausting.
I don't like not knowing what's going to happen, and for now, I don't even know when the PET scan will be, so I don't know when I'll know what's going on with me. I feel fine, mostly, just a little congested and chronically tired, but both are mostly caused by lack of sleep.
Here's the thing: there is literally nothing I can do about this. I dislike having so little control. I fully expect a negative scan, and to keep on getting negative scans, for at least another 10 years or so. Eventually, something may light up and we'll have to go cut it out, but I don't see that happening any time soon.
And on that happy note, it's off to bed.
Sunday, January 05, 2014
other people's photos
Mom was in much better spirits this morning, a good rest and a little ibuprofen helped tremendously. My sister was there, and that helped most of all. My level of upset yesterday was only a half-notch below 'panic', and that was worse than useless. I'll have to try to moderate those responses when things like this happen again, because I know they will.
Now that I can think again, there were a couple of things I wished I had taken photos of when I was in Falmouth, but I didn't get a chance. So, with appreciation, here are some other people's photos.
I. Unconventional Christmas Trees on Main St.
Main St in Falmouth is, as my sister perfectly put it, right out of Currier & Ives. They wrap pine boughs around the street lamps and put wreaths around the lamps themselves, and the effect is incredibly charming. The Village Green is a little wonderland of set-pieces, including Santa and his reindeer, a creche, a choir, a train, and a half-dozen other lighted displays. But the most captivating decorations on Main St were these two trees, which were simply stunning. Words don't do them justice, and the photo below only gives you an idea of what they are like. Simply amazing. I can't imagine how long it tool to wrap these two trees so thoroughly! They are as I imagine Faerie trees would be.
Now that I can think again, there were a couple of things I wished I had taken photos of when I was in Falmouth, but I didn't get a chance. So, with appreciation, here are some other people's photos.
I. Unconventional Christmas Trees on Main St.
Main St in Falmouth is, as my sister perfectly put it, right out of Currier & Ives. They wrap pine boughs around the street lamps and put wreaths around the lamps themselves, and the effect is incredibly charming. The Village Green is a little wonderland of set-pieces, including Santa and his reindeer, a creche, a choir, a train, and a half-dozen other lighted displays. But the most captivating decorations on Main St were these two trees, which were simply stunning. Words don't do them justice, and the photo below only gives you an idea of what they are like. Simply amazing. I can't imagine how long it tool to wrap these two trees so thoroughly! They are as I imagine Faerie trees would be.
II. Nature's Thermometers
My Mom doesn't have any rhododendrons of her own (the one I planted in the past few years didn't make it through the fall), but there are several in her neighborhood. I love how they droop and curl up when it's cold out. When DD and I got up on Wednesday morning, they were rolled up tight, but by the time we were leaving (and thus, driving by and able to take a picture or two), it had warmed up enough that they were all flattened out again. I'd say I was disappointed but not really -- who needs to be out in sub-freezing temperatures? This adaptive behavior is one reason I love rhododendrons. Among the others? They are evergreen, they love the shade, and their flowers are gorgeous. Now if I could just manage to plant one so it will survive at Mom's...
Friday, January 03, 2014
waiting for the call
We left Massachusetts on Wednesday, worried about Mom staying alone with that big storm and Arctic cold coming in. But Mom promised to stay safe and said she wouldn't try to tough out a power failure. I tried coaxing her up to Boston to visit her 6-day-old - and only - great-granddaughter.
But she wouldn't budge. She started knitting a beautiful pink blanket for the baby as soon as she found out it was a girl, but the blanket is not finished. Her hands are not working well, and some of her fingers won't straighten.
So DD and I flew home, and I keep obsessively checking the weather report, my phone, my email, my facebook page, and just generally feeling uneasy.
This morning, my Mom fell between the table and the microwave, trying to warm up her tea. She doesn't know how it happened, but the generally accepted theory is that her knee gave out and, since she wasn't using her walker, she fell. She refused care from the EMTs and since she was completely rational, there was nothing they could do. My sister is there, and all of us have been calling and texting all day.
She has a big bump and a small gash on her head, and a headache. She landed on her good shoulder and can't move her upper arm, so she can't use her walker. She is considering going up to stay with my sister in Boston, tomorrow. But she won't go to the doctor today, she doesn't want to be stuck in the hospital. Ever.
The fact that the sooner one receives medical treatment after an injury, the better, is irrelevant. She could have, probably does have, a concussion, since she can't remember how she fell and has a persistent headache.
I just hope she wakes up.
DD and I had a quick visit; I couldn't pass it up.
There's nothing - nothing - like holding a sleeping newborn.
There's nothing - nothing - like holding a sleeping newborn.
So DD and I flew home, and I keep obsessively checking the weather report, my phone, my email, my facebook page, and just generally feeling uneasy.
This morning, my Mom fell between the table and the microwave, trying to warm up her tea. She doesn't know how it happened, but the generally accepted theory is that her knee gave out and, since she wasn't using her walker, she fell. She refused care from the EMTs and since she was completely rational, there was nothing they could do. My sister is there, and all of us have been calling and texting all day.
She has a big bump and a small gash on her head, and a headache. She landed on her good shoulder and can't move her upper arm, so she can't use her walker. She is considering going up to stay with my sister in Boston, tomorrow. But she won't go to the doctor today, she doesn't want to be stuck in the hospital. Ever.
The fact that the sooner one receives medical treatment after an injury, the better, is irrelevant. She could have, probably does have, a concussion, since she can't remember how she fell and has a persistent headache.
I just hope she wakes up.
Thursday, January 02, 2014
cancer stuff
DD loaned me The Fault in Our Stars some time ago, and I read it on the plane home yesterday. (Lucky for me, my laptop battery only lasts a couple of hours, otherwise I would've had no excuse and done more work.)
TFiOS is a young adult novel about a 16 year old girl with thyroid cancer that has metastasized nastily to her lungs, and what happens to her over the course of her relationship with another teenager who has osteosarcoma. John Green, the author, gets a lot right about all the cancer stuff, especially how it is to live with pain on a daily basis. He is also exceptionally good at puncturing the ideal of the heroic cancer patient, which I appreciate because that trope needs to die.
One thing that Green didn't get into, probably because Hazel is so young and only 3 years into her (albeit dire) diagnosis, is how we tend to forget all the details that seem so vivid, that we swear we'll remember forever. How could we forget? I don't know whether it's post-radiation trauma or just good old-fashioned repression, but our ability to forget is a good thing. I don't need to relive all that stuff on a daily basis.
I do, however, need to be able to recall details from time to time so that I can accurately complete forms and talk to ultrasound technicians, like I did today. Since I have one of the world's least-flexible work schedules, I've been cramming all my testing into winter break. Having spent the last five days in Massachusetts means I only have a couple of days left to tie everything up.
I had my Thyrogen testing done Christmas week, with injections on the 23rd and 24th, and then bloodwork on the 27th. I won't get those results back until I see my endo on January 30th, unless I suppose it comes back more quickly with bad news. As usual, I have no idea what to expect, but I want to record a weird side effect I had after my second Thyrogen shot: suddenly I felt exactly the same way I did, post-neck dissection, back in 2005. The nerves in my neck/scalp/jawline responded exactly the same way they did to that surgery: numbness, tingling, headache. My neck felt tight around my scar, too. And yes, it did freak me out, because I don't remember having that reaction before. The only reaction I remember is having a really sore arm one time. I even looked back through the blog to see if I had written about any other reactions, but there was nothing... and there was nothing in a wider web search, either. I took ibuprofen around the clock for a few days and it subsided, but it did make Christmas Eve a lot more emotional for me. (Usually I can sing a few Christmas carols without bursting into tears.)
Of course I want to ask, what does it mean? I'll find out if it meant something in another 4 weeks. Today the ultrasound technician took a million pictures. I couldn't see anything (it's the rare scheduling oddity that puts me in a room used more for prenatal ultrasounds so they have a monitor for patient viewing), so of course I have no idea what, exactly, was being measured and recorded. I had the tech visualize that persistent node that is, yes, still persisting, but then after that, he spent time measuring and photographing something in my left neck, which is just weird.
I'm going to stop thinking about this now, so I can forget about it until I need it again. And next year if I have the same weird reaction, I'll have this year's information to go on. People who live with cancer have to do this kind of compartmentalizing all the time, otherwise the disease takes over our lives. I have way too much to do to allow that to happen.
Monday, December 30, 2013
winter beach
DD and I came East to spend a few days with my Mom. The temps were close to 50 when we stopped at the beach, but the wind was crazy and we weren't really dressed for that wind, so it was a very quick trip.
The sky was never this blue last summer!
The sky was never this blue last summer!
Chappaquoit stairs, sand, surf, sky.
The usual shoreline view at Chappaquoit.
Coming around Falmouth Heights.
Chihuly in the Garden - Member preview Nov 9
We arrived in the early evening, and walked the trails in the rising darkness.
The spotlights washed out some color but heightened the sense of other-worldliness. Some pieces evoked marine life, some flocks of birds or tangles of snakes. I'll visit again during daylight hours, but these are my favorite photos from our first views of this installation.
Afterwards, we had dinner at the spectacular Gertrude's. A perfect evening.
The spotlights washed out some color but heightened the sense of other-worldliness. Some pieces evoked marine life, some flocks of birds or tangles of snakes. I'll visit again during daylight hours, but these are my favorite photos from our first views of this installation.
Afterwards, we had dinner at the spectacular Gertrude's. A perfect evening.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
well, that happened
Next year at fall break I'll be thinking, What did we do last year?
Then I'll remember that fall break was basically three days of doing nothing, coming to the realization on Tuesday morning that I had a ton of stuff to do, and then a blur of work.
I had some vague idea of working ahead so that my future weekends wouldn't be so swamped, but that didn't happen. I did get my lesson plan templates set up for the rest of the academic year, though, which was tedious but will make my life easier going forward. And I also researched easier ways to do things I'm already doing, like making PowerPoint presentations from my Cornell notes (yes, PPT can import documents from Word, but only if they're in outline format - no problem!)
The offspring had very few desires: go to Zia, sleep as much as possible. My own list was similarly short: go to the Desert Botanical Garden, sleep, and catch up on work. Unfortunately achieving the last did, in the end, take a chunk out of the second, but we did make it to the garden.
It was already early afternoon when we arrived, and the boys were starving. We had a spectacular lunch at Gertrude's, out on the patio. I was completely charmed by the families of quail that wandered through periodically, and the one cottontail who snacked on a nearby aloe. All of them were un-photographable because of the interplay of light and shadow -- no fill-in flash I possess would've been enough to catch them. Never mind the fact that they never stood still.
So by the time we started walking the trails (my favorite trail was closed!), it was close to 3:30 and the afternoon sun was gorgeous. The cacti were glowing, and neither my little point-and-shoot (whose battery died about 30 minutes in) nor my iPhone camera could do it justice.
That was a high point, but not the only one. I made a number of nice dinners and we ate outside as often as we could, just enjoying the food, the wine, the weather, and the company, and it was lovely.
Then I'll remember that fall break was basically three days of doing nothing, coming to the realization on Tuesday morning that I had a ton of stuff to do, and then a blur of work.
I had some vague idea of working ahead so that my future weekends wouldn't be so swamped, but that didn't happen. I did get my lesson plan templates set up for the rest of the academic year, though, which was tedious but will make my life easier going forward. And I also researched easier ways to do things I'm already doing, like making PowerPoint presentations from my Cornell notes (yes, PPT can import documents from Word, but only if they're in outline format - no problem!)
The offspring had very few desires: go to Zia, sleep as much as possible. My own list was similarly short: go to the Desert Botanical Garden, sleep, and catch up on work. Unfortunately achieving the last did, in the end, take a chunk out of the second, but we did make it to the garden.
It was already early afternoon when we arrived, and the boys were starving. We had a spectacular lunch at Gertrude's, out on the patio. I was completely charmed by the families of quail that wandered through periodically, and the one cottontail who snacked on a nearby aloe. All of them were un-photographable because of the interplay of light and shadow -- no fill-in flash I possess would've been enough to catch them. Never mind the fact that they never stood still.
So by the time we started walking the trails (my favorite trail was closed!), it was close to 3:30 and the afternoon sun was gorgeous. The cacti were glowing, and neither my little point-and-shoot (whose battery died about 30 minutes in) nor my iPhone camera could do it justice.
That was a high point, but not the only one. I made a number of nice dinners and we ate outside as often as we could, just enjoying the food, the wine, the weather, and the company, and it was lovely.
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
dark
I like these. They work.
I never realized until this week that having less than 20/20 vision means that the world looks darker than it is.
I used to have 20/10, eyes that were better than average, and maintained that for years. A couple of years ago my eye doctor recommended "cheaters" for those times when focusing on small print was difficult. For a long time, I rarely wore them at all, reserving them for low-light situations at the end of long days. Tired eyes don't see as well.
One thing I can see is the day coming when I'll break down and get glasses to wear all the time.
Wednesday, September 04, 2013
settled/joy
Depth & Complexity Icons - wiki
This is astoundingly our sixth week of classes. We came home from vacation and I plunged immediately into new-hire training and classroom set up and all that. Then meet-the-teacher night and learning the names of 170-ish students and all the staff. All of that was nerve-wracking because I'd taken the job after two not-so-long interviews and a few follow-up phone calls. It was possible that I'd made a mistake, right?
I didn't. I love my job. I must say that at least a few times every day. Even though this is my first year with this set of textbooks and using this curriculum map, so I'm creating lesson materials (notes, PowerPoints) as I go, I still love my job.
It is not a chore for me to write notes or put together a PowerPoint. It's fun. I've been a writer most of my life, after all, and this is writing about stuff I know really well, in the way that I love to write best. I get to explain things. By making PowerPoints I get to engage my students at a level they wouldn't be if I just relied on notes on the board.
(And really, the PowerPoints keep me consistent, and keep me from wearing out Expo markers every day.)
I don't have that square peg/round hole feeling any more. And I'm not afraid of my rose colored glasses slipping, either, because there are things that are not perfect, of course. But that's OK because those are manageable things. On the other hand, so many good decisions have been made at the top, and best of all, they are enforced all the way down, that make up for any glitches. My school a great place for me to work.
That said, I can see how someone else might not like it. We have an "accelerated, back-to-basics" curriculum. It is a joy to teach to the brightest in the class (and tutor the lowest to help them keep up). It's great to be able to expand on the curriculum and go further in depth than what the sometimes oversimplified text provides. It's amazingly satisfying to set high standards and get the approval and backing of the administration, and the cooperation of the students.
I looked back over some of my posts from last year, and the story of that one class, one day, that learned how to balance chemical equations sticks with me. I have that experience every day in nearly every class. My students are interested in science. They follow directions. They want to learn.
In the past, I've used an expression along the lines of "Yes, it feels good to finally stop beating your head against a brick wall."
Yeah, I'm not doing that anymore. I have a smidgeon of guilt for "giving up" on my old school. I left for a lot of reasons, and I'm much happier where I am. I heard Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" the other day and the line, Did you exchange a walk-on part in a war with a lead role in a cage? struck me. Is that what I did? What I was doing felt like a daily battle. Now I do have a pacing guide that says what topics I should teach when, and how many assessments I have to do over each grading period. That hasn't put me in a cage, it's given me a structure in which I can deliver the content (and the assessments) however I want. It's lovely.
Old job versus new job is like free-form poetry versus sonnets. Both can be beautiful, one is a lot more structured. I like structure.
Like my Lady Banks roses, I do better with support.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
salvage operation
The weather, so far, has been uncooperative. We did see the sun for about 5 minutes here and there today, and it was nice to finally see a slice of blue sky. But this evening intermittent showers began, and I felt like throwing in the towel.
I'm not sure whose idea it was, but we ended up going to see Pacific Rim instead. Yes, it was silly, but it was also fun. And unsurprisingly, given director Guillermo del Toro, it looked beautiful. The scene that introduces Mako Mori, with silver rivers of rain sheeting off her black umbrella, was shockingly gorgeous. An extended flashback scene purposefully evoked Spielberg's red-coated girl in Schindler's List, but more effectively, for me -- the little girl this time was a real character, not a symbol. There was a lot to look at, but it all made sense, unlike other blockbuster movies (I'm looking at you, Iron Man 3 and Man of Steel) in which I usually can't make head or tails of who's being punched or dragged through a building or whatnot.
Plus, the monsters were really cool, the geeky scientists came through, and the casting was superb. I understand that many people detest this sort of movie, and even DS1 continues to scoff (even after having seen it), but I was willing to be entertained, and I was.
I'm not sure whose idea it was, but we ended up going to see Pacific Rim instead. Yes, it was silly, but it was also fun. And unsurprisingly, given director Guillermo del Toro, it looked beautiful. The scene that introduces Mako Mori, with silver rivers of rain sheeting off her black umbrella, was shockingly gorgeous. An extended flashback scene purposefully evoked Spielberg's red-coated girl in Schindler's List, but more effectively, for me -- the little girl this time was a real character, not a symbol. There was a lot to look at, but it all made sense, unlike other blockbuster movies (I'm looking at you, Iron Man 3 and Man of Steel) in which I usually can't make head or tails of who's being punched or dragged through a building or whatnot.
Plus, the monsters were really cool, the geeky scientists came through, and the casting was superb. I understand that many people detest this sort of movie, and even DS1 continues to scoff (even after having seen it), but I was willing to be entertained, and I was.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
now, vacation
Victory*
I remember feeling almost giddy when school was over this May. I was
so worn out this year, and reading over my (scant) entries here, I was
struck by how often I struggled. I know that for every time I posted,
there were at least a half-dozen other events I could have documented.
I've kept everything purposely vague here, just enough for me to
remember -- but that was enough.Funny how I have constantly downplayed the negative, and had to really dig it up again to face it. I know it's a survival tactic, but it's too akin to a battered woman staying with an abusive boyfriend. Not to say that I was physically harmed or even threatened (well, maybe that once), but there was a tremendous amount of psychological pain. It's hard to feel constantly that you're failing, especially when you're working as hard as you can.
That, more than anything, was why I made finding a new job my summer job. I spent the first half of June wrestling with the idea of looking for a new job (dozens of conversations and hours ruminating, boiled down to two paragraphs!), and the second half of June actively doing so. Applying for a teaching job requires jumping through many hoops, and I applied for a bunch. It may be this way for everyone, but I had to pull together multiple references, both personal and professional, several letters of reference, scans of my certificate and AEPA test results, and more. Then there were the personal essays, which I perhaps should spend careful consideration on but tend to just knock out, proof read once or twice, and then submit. I figure it's me. If they don't like me, they shouldn't hire me.
July 1, a job posted at a school I knew about. I drive by a few times a week. I applied, was invited for a screening interview, then a formal interview the next day, and I had an offer in my inbox within four hours of that interview.
Today I accepted their offer, and resigned from my old job. Now I can have some real vacation.
(*) The sculpture is not called "Victory" but it certainly represents how I feel right now. It's on the grounds of Highfield Hall at Beebe Woods in Falmouth, MA.
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
not a beach day
We went anyway.
At home, it was close to 80 degrees with fluffy clouds on a blue sky. But it was a mostly cloudy, only occasionally sunny kind of day.
At the beach, the sky was white, and the wind was whipping. It was almost too cold. The boys and I headed right in, DD took some convincing.
The water was much warmer than I expected it to be. The waves were huge. I remember going to this same beach as a kid with my mother and her sister, and various siblings and cousins. The waves were so big that every time my aunt tried to get out of the water, they kept knocking her down. She was laughing so hard she couldn't get out of the water.
I'm thinking that I'm older now than my aunt was, then. But I was laughing hard, too, every time a wave caught me off guard, which happened more often than usual today. They were very big and very fast and very frequent.
As usual, DS1 was the first in and the last out. DS2's lips were blue when he got out -- I gave up before I reached that point.
Two trips to the beach in 21 days? Not a great start, but we've still got some time here.
At home, it was close to 80 degrees with fluffy clouds on a blue sky. But it was a mostly cloudy, only occasionally sunny kind of day.
At the beach, the sky was white, and the wind was whipping. It was almost too cold. The boys and I headed right in, DD took some convincing.
The water was much warmer than I expected it to be. The waves were huge. I remember going to this same beach as a kid with my mother and her sister, and various siblings and cousins. The waves were so big that every time my aunt tried to get out of the water, they kept knocking her down. She was laughing so hard she couldn't get out of the water.
I'm thinking that I'm older now than my aunt was, then. But I was laughing hard, too, every time a wave caught me off guard, which happened more often than usual today. They were very big and very fast and very frequent.
As usual, DS1 was the first in and the last out. DS2's lips were blue when he got out -- I gave up before I reached that point.
Two trips to the beach in 21 days? Not a great start, but we've still got some time here.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Ent war
On one of the days when it wasn't raining, we went for our annual hike in Beebe Woods. I left the trail map home so we just winged it, and it worked out fine -- a gorgeous hike (unintentionally) to the Ice House pond first, then skirting Peterson Farm over to the Punch Bowl and back to the Conservatory. The path by Peterson Farm was particularly gorgeous, we were walking through boughs of raspberries on all sides.
Our first indication that something was wrong was this slim tree in the path. What was weird about it was I couldn't see the bottom part of the tree. In other words, it didn't just snap off and fall over. It was broken off and thrown clear from its trunk and roots.
Another example, more violent than the first, because this was a substantially larger tree with much broader branches.
And another. These three were not the only ones we saw, and my nephew even made some attempt, as a good scout, to clear the trail when he could. Most of the downed trees were off the trail, and there were many.
It is a mystery, but I think it must be hurricane related. Hurricane Sandy was not the only big storm to hit here last winter, and Beebe Woods is on unprotected high ground. Snow-laden and semi-frozen trees could break easily in high winds, or even bare trees could break if they were weakened by fungus, moss infections, or choked by vines.
That's one theory, anyway.
Other theories involve a negative and aggressive reaction from the native Ents, wood elves and dryads to the invasion of faeries at the nearby Highfield Gardens.
Sorry for the blur. Must've been crud on the lens.
I thought it was mountain laurel, but a quick look at an online field guide contradicted that. After some digging (way too much, actually -- should've known this one), it turns out to be some kind of raspberry. Wish I could be there for the harvest.
It was nice to walk through all those flowers and see the lush marshlands just beyond them, because this particular stretch of Beebe Woods has seen much better days. There's always the usual plant-on-plant destruction, with creepers and vines growing up the tallest trees and eventually bringing them down with their weight. But this year we saw evidence of what looked some kind of brown fungal disease eating away several oaks, as well as an abundance of a light green spindly moss-type stuff absolutely coating many trees (same by my mother's house, sadly). The infected trees are putting out many fewer leaves. I think the moss or whatever it is is sucking out the trees' nutrients so they can't support as many leaves.
These changes were relatively subtle, though, and you could ignore them if you just wanted a nice walk in the woods. But there was no way to ignore the number of broken and felled trees, almost from the moment we got in. It was shocking.
Our first indication that something was wrong was this slim tree in the path. What was weird about it was I couldn't see the bottom part of the tree. In other words, it didn't just snap off and fall over. It was broken off and thrown clear from its trunk and roots.
Another example, more violent than the first, because this was a substantially larger tree with much broader branches.
And another. These three were not the only ones we saw, and my nephew even made some attempt, as a good scout, to clear the trail when he could. Most of the downed trees were off the trail, and there were many.
It is a mystery, but I think it must be hurricane related. Hurricane Sandy was not the only big storm to hit here last winter, and Beebe Woods is on unprotected high ground. Snow-laden and semi-frozen trees could break easily in high winds, or even bare trees could break if they were weakened by fungus, moss infections, or choked by vines.
That's one theory, anyway.
Other theories involve a negative and aggressive reaction from the native Ents, wood elves and dryads to the invasion of faeries at the nearby Highfield Gardens.
Everyone knows those twee little folk are nothing but trouble makers.
Tanelorn
When I was in high school, I had this huge poster -- one of many, actually -- up in my room. I remember I bought it at the Strawberry's record store in Kenmore Square in Boston, probably my sophomore or junior year -- that would've been about 1978 or 1979. At the time I had just become enamored of Yes, and prog rock, and everything that went along with it.
Rodney Matthew's Tanelorn
Given yet-another cloudy and cool day, I loaded the kids up into the car and we took off to Hyannis to Spinnaker Records. DS1 loves prowling through used records stores and finding obscure stuff. DD loves it, too, although what she comes up with tends to be less obscure. At any rate, Spinnaker has a huge collection of 1970s and 80s rock posters and album art and all kinds of cool stuff that was fun to look at, but none of the stuff that I actually owned myself back then.
So given nothing better to do, I decided to see if I could track down that poster I had always thought of as "that huge cool Roger Dean poster I gave to Joe when I went to college and he enlisted in the army."
Except it turns out not to be a Roger Dean poster at all, and I feel like I owe an apology to Rodney Matthews, who has probably been dealing with that confusion his entire career (which has been and continues to be, quite productive).
It also has a name, which is Tanelorn, the Eternal City from Michael Morcook's multiverse. I have never heard of Tanelorn before today, although of course I'd heard of Morcock and his Eternal Champion, Elric. I had good friends (the aforementioned Joe was most certainly among them) who were reading this stuff (in between D&D sessions), along with Fritz Leiber's Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser series. I never read any of it, sticking more with science fiction (Asimov, Heinlein, Clarke, Herbert), although I did get more into fantasy later (McAffrey, Zimmer Bradley, LeGuin). Of course everyone read Tolkein, then.
I literally wrote out and had to erase: I have no desire to read epic fantasy ever again, but then I realized I'm still curious to see how GRRM is going to untangle the multiple knotted plot threads in his massive A Song of Fire and Ice series, popularly known as Game of Thrones. I've got a bit of wait on that front, with a possible publication of volume six in 2014 and then who knows how long for the final book.
So I haven't really lost my taste for fantasy, and this image still tugs at my heart. The thing I love about it is that you can't tell whether it's a city or an impossibly huge ship, able to slip away at will -- exactly the kind of thing Tanelorn can do. Kudos, Mr. Matthews.
Friday, June 21, 2013
capsule reviews
Have inexplicably seen a lot of movies lately. Perhaps not so inexplicably, really: finally there was something that we wanted to see. Generally we manage to go to a matinee (at home, the first show of the day is only $5!) because going out to the movies at night is not that important to us. At any rate, here are my quick impressions of what we've seen recently:
Oblivion: the previews were highly deceptive, as is typical. Loved it. Very smart, tight science fiction film that speaks to what makes us human, and keeps us that way. I'm sure some people hated it, but thinking back I can't find one thing I'd criticize. Would love to see this again.
Star Trek: Into Darkness: brilliant, just brilliant. Loved it. I loved JJ Abrams' original reboot anyway, and this is a more-than-worthy successor. Same players, different game. Well, mostly the same players -- fatherless Jim Kirk vs Jim Kirk, the stack of books with legs at Starfleet Academy. Motherless, homeless Spock vs supremely stable Spock. More, I won't say, but McCoy and Scotty and all the rest are just a joy to watch, and the way this one played out took my heart out of my chest and stomped on it, then picked it up, brushed it off, and put it back in so it could keep on beating.
Man of Steel: Not as brilliant, but I really enjoyed it. The fight scenes went on for too long (I've seen a well-reasoned argument that it's realistic for two super-beings to fight that way, and while that may be true, it still doesn't necessarily make for a compelling movie.) Other than that, I loved all the Kents (Costner was fantastic), Henry Cavill has the look and the sound and the bearing completely down, and Amy Adams' was terrific as Lois Lane. I do think that Russell Crowe kinda phoned it in as Jor-El but how emotional can a hologram really get? I'm hearing a lot of complaining about certain parts of this film that make me think that people really aren't paying attention to what's on screen. One of my favorite scenes? Two words: crucified truck.
Monsters University: Saw this today with my brother and nephew, before they headed back up to Boston. It was delightful. First off, of course it was gorgeous, but the character work (not the drawing, the acting) was really spectacular as we've come to expect in Pixar films. I saw a capsule review in my Mom's paper that essentially panned this, and again, I wonder, what was that guy watching? Helen Mirren is just so scary and Nathan Fillion plays the frat boy jerk character perfectly. Speaking of perfectly, there are at least three places in the story where you think something's going to happen, you just know it, having seen so many of these movies and knowing where Mike & Sully end up, but then... it doesn't.I love this movie for what didn't happen, as much as for what did. Now I want to go back and watch the original again. The accompanying short, The Blue Umbrella, was wordless but nonetheless packed with emotion and suspense expertly built and then released, and simply lovely.
All in all, a good run. Coming up: The Lone Ranger, and Despicable Me 2. We're on the fence about World War Z, good reviews not withstanding. We're looking at good weather for the next long stretch so who knows.
Oblivion: the previews were highly deceptive, as is typical. Loved it. Very smart, tight science fiction film that speaks to what makes us human, and keeps us that way. I'm sure some people hated it, but thinking back I can't find one thing I'd criticize. Would love to see this again.
Star Trek: Into Darkness: brilliant, just brilliant. Loved it. I loved JJ Abrams' original reboot anyway, and this is a more-than-worthy successor. Same players, different game. Well, mostly the same players -- fatherless Jim Kirk vs Jim Kirk, the stack of books with legs at Starfleet Academy. Motherless, homeless Spock vs supremely stable Spock. More, I won't say, but McCoy and Scotty and all the rest are just a joy to watch, and the way this one played out took my heart out of my chest and stomped on it, then picked it up, brushed it off, and put it back in so it could keep on beating.
Man of Steel: Not as brilliant, but I really enjoyed it. The fight scenes went on for too long (I've seen a well-reasoned argument that it's realistic for two super-beings to fight that way, and while that may be true, it still doesn't necessarily make for a compelling movie.) Other than that, I loved all the Kents (Costner was fantastic), Henry Cavill has the look and the sound and the bearing completely down, and Amy Adams' was terrific as Lois Lane. I do think that Russell Crowe kinda phoned it in as Jor-El but how emotional can a hologram really get? I'm hearing a lot of complaining about certain parts of this film that make me think that people really aren't paying attention to what's on screen. One of my favorite scenes? Two words: crucified truck.
Monsters University: Saw this today with my brother and nephew, before they headed back up to Boston. It was delightful. First off, of course it was gorgeous, but the character work (not the drawing, the acting) was really spectacular as we've come to expect in Pixar films. I saw a capsule review in my Mom's paper that essentially panned this, and again, I wonder, what was that guy watching? Helen Mirren is just so scary and Nathan Fillion plays the frat boy jerk character perfectly. Speaking of perfectly, there are at least three places in the story where you think something's going to happen, you just know it, having seen so many of these movies and knowing where Mike & Sully end up, but then... it doesn't.I love this movie for what didn't happen, as much as for what did. Now I want to go back and watch the original again. The accompanying short, The Blue Umbrella, was wordless but nonetheless packed with emotion and suspense expertly built and then released, and simply lovely.
All in all, a good run. Coming up: The Lone Ranger, and Despicable Me 2. We're on the fence about World War Z, good reviews not withstanding. We're looking at good weather for the next long stretch so who knows.
Saturday, June 08, 2013
results
Doctor's office called and asked for a call back. It's always a concern when they do that, because if everything was fine, they'd just leave an automated message. So when I called back I was put on hold interminably, but then got the briefest report: CA125 is 'normal' (how suspicious I am of that term), but the ultrasound shows a cyst on my right ovary. I need a follow-up ultrasound in 8 weeks.
This, I can manage.
I asked for the reports to be mailed to me so I can see for myself what's going on. I wasn't surprised to hear that I have a cyst on the right side now, even though it's the left that's been bothering me for the past 2 months. These past few nights I can't sleep if I'm lying on my side, either side.
So if it goes as it usually does with me, by the time of the follow-up they'll be nothing at all to see, again.
Maybe I should have them out, just to spare myself all this foolishness. The NP I see at the office suggested it, last go round, but I won't go under the knife again unless I must. I've had worse pain.
This, I can manage.
I asked for the reports to be mailed to me so I can see for myself what's going on. I wasn't surprised to hear that I have a cyst on the right side now, even though it's the left that's been bothering me for the past 2 months. These past few nights I can't sleep if I'm lying on my side, either side.
So if it goes as it usually does with me, by the time of the follow-up they'll be nothing at all to see, again.
Maybe I should have them out, just to spare myself all this foolishness. The NP I see at the office suggested it, last go round, but I won't go under the knife again unless I must. I've had worse pain.
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
more break downs
Having whined at length about my career, I can move on to the periodic physical health update.
I developed another ovarian cyst mid-April and, since it still hasn't resolved, went to the gynecologist, got the referral, and had the ultrasound. It's amazing how easy it is to schedule procedures and tests when I'm not having to work around a school calendar. I was able to get all of that done (including another CA-125 test) in just two days. But now I have to wait and see what it says. I've had so many of these that at this point, it's just a routine, I'm not expecting anything. Except of course there is that tiny nagging doubt that maybe this time, there really is something going on.
That thought creeps in and I promptly ignore it. I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.
***
I'm going to be fifty years old in two months. In all that time, I've had my hair colored (highlighted, I guess) exactly once. Still never had a manicure (or a pedicure - too ticklish).
But yesterday, I had a laser procedure to try to reduce the nasty-looking appearance of the vein extending from a scar I have on my left leg. It was very quick and while not exactly painless, I wouldn't call it painful, either. A series of tiny pin-jabs. The technician thought the results would be good, but it will take some time to see. It wasn't that expensive, but I'm still kind of embarrassed about spending money on something so purely cosmetic, plus something that probably no one else ever noticed. The scar itself is barely visible, but the vein was really noticeable (to me).
I'm noticing more gray hairs this year. Generally I leave them alone but there are a few that stick straight up and out (they always seem to be more wiry), and those I pluck. I don't want to be one of those women that's trying to stop the clock, but I also don't want to look like one of those ladies with the crazy hair.
And let's not even talk about clothes. The return of 70s and 80s fashion is killing me; we're surrounded by ugly clothes, or clothes that only look good on stick figures, again. And if I see something cute or nice, odds are it's designed for someone around my daughter's age. It does make retail therapy difficult, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. There's always shoes.
***
Aside from the ovarian cyst, the health issues I was struggling with last year at this time are, I could say, in remission. I think that's valid because I have this sense that they're just biding their time, waiting to get me, but they're not bothering me now.
My acid reflux/GERD is well-controlled (I can sing!), and my arthritis/fibromyalgia only kick up when I'm very bad on my diet or I have a very strenuous day, like the last day of school - slicing up six huge watermelons put a bruise on my hand, it's not easy with a plastic knife. Mopping, sweeping, and moving a lot of furniture didn't help, either.
My weight fluctuates between 137 and 142. I can live with it, although I have this ideal of settling around 130-133. I can't let it get any higher because then none of my new pants for work will fit. I can eat tortilla chips or potato chips or popcorn occasionally; carbs in general don't seem to cause problems for me, but wheat in particular does. It's harder to be strictly low carb now since I have to avoid dairy, and I can't live on cheese anymore. I'm grateful for almond milk.
My ultrasound technician on Monday was a talker, as they often are, to try and distract their really-need-to-pee patients from their discomforts. I wasn't surprised to hear her say something I've thought myself, which is that about every seven years, our bodies go through some sort of realignment or change. I'm 49, and this was a year of change for me; 49 was definitely better than 48. I have a sense of figuring out a lot of what's been going on with me, my whole life, and how to manage better, now. Shame it took nearly 50 years to figure it all out though.
I developed another ovarian cyst mid-April and, since it still hasn't resolved, went to the gynecologist, got the referral, and had the ultrasound. It's amazing how easy it is to schedule procedures and tests when I'm not having to work around a school calendar. I was able to get all of that done (including another CA-125 test) in just two days. But now I have to wait and see what it says. I've had so many of these that at this point, it's just a routine, I'm not expecting anything. Except of course there is that tiny nagging doubt that maybe this time, there really is something going on.
That thought creeps in and I promptly ignore it. I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.
***
I'm going to be fifty years old in two months. In all that time, I've had my hair colored (highlighted, I guess) exactly once. Still never had a manicure (or a pedicure - too ticklish).
But yesterday, I had a laser procedure to try to reduce the nasty-looking appearance of the vein extending from a scar I have on my left leg. It was very quick and while not exactly painless, I wouldn't call it painful, either. A series of tiny pin-jabs. The technician thought the results would be good, but it will take some time to see. It wasn't that expensive, but I'm still kind of embarrassed about spending money on something so purely cosmetic, plus something that probably no one else ever noticed. The scar itself is barely visible, but the vein was really noticeable (to me).
I'm noticing more gray hairs this year. Generally I leave them alone but there are a few that stick straight up and out (they always seem to be more wiry), and those I pluck. I don't want to be one of those women that's trying to stop the clock, but I also don't want to look like one of those ladies with the crazy hair.
And let's not even talk about clothes. The return of 70s and 80s fashion is killing me; we're surrounded by ugly clothes, or clothes that only look good on stick figures, again. And if I see something cute or nice, odds are it's designed for someone around my daughter's age. It does make retail therapy difficult, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. There's always shoes.
***
Aside from the ovarian cyst, the health issues I was struggling with last year at this time are, I could say, in remission. I think that's valid because I have this sense that they're just biding their time, waiting to get me, but they're not bothering me now.
My acid reflux/GERD is well-controlled (I can sing!), and my arthritis/fibromyalgia only kick up when I'm very bad on my diet or I have a very strenuous day, like the last day of school - slicing up six huge watermelons put a bruise on my hand, it's not easy with a plastic knife. Mopping, sweeping, and moving a lot of furniture didn't help, either.
My weight fluctuates between 137 and 142. I can live with it, although I have this ideal of settling around 130-133. I can't let it get any higher because then none of my new pants for work will fit. I can eat tortilla chips or potato chips or popcorn occasionally; carbs in general don't seem to cause problems for me, but wheat in particular does. It's harder to be strictly low carb now since I have to avoid dairy, and I can't live on cheese anymore. I'm grateful for almond milk.
My ultrasound technician on Monday was a talker, as they often are, to try and distract their really-need-to-pee patients from their discomforts. I wasn't surprised to hear her say something I've thought myself, which is that about every seven years, our bodies go through some sort of realignment or change. I'm 49, and this was a year of change for me; 49 was definitely better than 48. I have a sense of figuring out a lot of what's been going on with me, my whole life, and how to manage better, now. Shame it took nearly 50 years to figure it all out though.
break down
No car today. The starter was showing signs of giving out and then it actually did yesterday, on literally the last stop before I was going to bring it over to the shop to have it looked at.
So now I'm stuck in the house all day, which I suppose is good because I have better odds now of actually cleaning out those closets.
Summer vacation, for the kids, means staying up late and sleeping in. Its' 10:42 and I haven't heard a peep from any of them, but that's OK because we're not doing anything these days. I may wake them up, I may let them sleep. I think DS2 has grown three inches in the past month (an exaggeration, but he does seem huge now), and he certainly needs the sleep.
For me, so far, vacation has meant a lot of running around. My Mom would say "like a chicken with its head cut off," and that's sort of how I feel. I don't know what I'm doing. My school year ended on a significant up note (my students' AIMS scores improved, third year in a row!), but the changes planned for my campus and the behavior of one cohort of my students remain concerns.
The plan for next year is for me to teach seventh grade (mostly earth science) and biology (probably 9th graders). While I am excited to teach biology, I'm not excited about having to develop an entirely new curriculum. I'm not starting from scratch but in reality, I am, because while I have the last bio teacher's curriculum map, etc, I'm not sure how useful that's going to be. Our administration is leaning heavily on us to have more hands-on, experiential learning, and I honestly don't know how to do that with many of the concepts I'm dealing with.
I'm also sad that my 8th grade curriculum, which has shown good results the last 3 years, is being shelved. I hadn't really thought about that when the new teaching assignment was proposed to me, but I really love that curriculum and I really loved teaching it. I hope that I will grow to love biology just as much if not more (that was my first area of certification, after all), but I've invested three years there and it makes me sad to just see it set aside.
So the plan for me involves a huge change. There are also huge changes planned for the administration (existing principal moving to another school in our charter district, two different "principals" sharing duties on different days at our campus...) that it's hard to imagine how they will be implemented so that they actually work. One of our biggest challenges in the past three years has been absentee administration. As in, you call or go up to the office, and there's literally no one there to help you with whatever you need help with, for students or for teachers. So while we're going to have a full-time vice principal and a full-time dean of students, I have concerns about having two part-time principals. It seems as if there isn't any one person in charge, and therefore responsible, ever. I'm trying to reign in my negativity with minimal success.
One of the reasons it's hard for me to remain positive about these plans is my last group of seventh graders. I've been complaining consistently about them, documenting their classroom behaviors and putting them into the discipline system all year long, and a significant number of them have made absolutely no progress. Back in August, these students would rip little pieces of pencil erasers off and then throw them at each other whenever my back was turned. OK, that was the beginning of the year, and they were essentially glorified 6th graders. But a whole school year has passed, and during our last project of the year (model an ecosystem), these same students were breaking crayons and throwing them around the room at each other.
Worst of all? On the last day of school, my "thing" is to bring in watermelon for all my classes. I have now served watermelon to 21 different classes over 3 years at this school, and only in my last class of the day this year have I ever seen students throwing watermelon at each other. It wasn't just one or two pieces, it was all over the place, smashed on the walls and in the corners. I was so disturbed by their behavior, it still upsets me to think about it, a week later. I told them, "If I don't come back next year, it's because of you."
And I have been looking. I'm well aware that the grass is always greener.... I'm comparing commuting times, and so far there are jobs out there I could do, but I haven't applied. I probably won't because I'm lazy and because at least where I am I know what I'll be dealing with, but I feel so beaten down right now. I am grateful that my eighth graders made so much progress, but my seventh graders were so difficult that any positive feelings about last year are easily outweighed by the negatives.
The thing is, I don't even know if that's a valid perspective, or if I'm just over-reacting. I can't help beating myself up over this -- what could I have done differently? What did I do or not do that allowed all this to continue? I have no way to assess how much responsibility to take, but my starting point is, I'm responsible for what goes on in my classroom. I believe that, but is it really true when I've got a dozen sociopaths to manage and no administrative support?
About a third of new teachers leave the profession after three years, and by five years, more than half will have left. I'm in that zone now. I don't have any doubts about teaching, but I do have doubts about teaching where I am. I thought it would be getting easier by now. In many ways, and for my eighth graders, it was. But as for the rest? It's hard to see any relief.
So now I'm stuck in the house all day, which I suppose is good because I have better odds now of actually cleaning out those closets.
Summer vacation, for the kids, means staying up late and sleeping in. Its' 10:42 and I haven't heard a peep from any of them, but that's OK because we're not doing anything these days. I may wake them up, I may let them sleep. I think DS2 has grown three inches in the past month (an exaggeration, but he does seem huge now), and he certainly needs the sleep.
For me, so far, vacation has meant a lot of running around. My Mom would say "like a chicken with its head cut off," and that's sort of how I feel. I don't know what I'm doing. My school year ended on a significant up note (my students' AIMS scores improved, third year in a row!), but the changes planned for my campus and the behavior of one cohort of my students remain concerns.
The plan for next year is for me to teach seventh grade (mostly earth science) and biology (probably 9th graders). While I am excited to teach biology, I'm not excited about having to develop an entirely new curriculum. I'm not starting from scratch but in reality, I am, because while I have the last bio teacher's curriculum map, etc, I'm not sure how useful that's going to be. Our administration is leaning heavily on us to have more hands-on, experiential learning, and I honestly don't know how to do that with many of the concepts I'm dealing with.
I'm also sad that my 8th grade curriculum, which has shown good results the last 3 years, is being shelved. I hadn't really thought about that when the new teaching assignment was proposed to me, but I really love that curriculum and I really loved teaching it. I hope that I will grow to love biology just as much if not more (that was my first area of certification, after all), but I've invested three years there and it makes me sad to just see it set aside.
So the plan for me involves a huge change. There are also huge changes planned for the administration (existing principal moving to another school in our charter district, two different "principals" sharing duties on different days at our campus...) that it's hard to imagine how they will be implemented so that they actually work. One of our biggest challenges in the past three years has been absentee administration. As in, you call or go up to the office, and there's literally no one there to help you with whatever you need help with, for students or for teachers. So while we're going to have a full-time vice principal and a full-time dean of students, I have concerns about having two part-time principals. It seems as if there isn't any one person in charge, and therefore responsible, ever. I'm trying to reign in my negativity with minimal success.
One of the reasons it's hard for me to remain positive about these plans is my last group of seventh graders. I've been complaining consistently about them, documenting their classroom behaviors and putting them into the discipline system all year long, and a significant number of them have made absolutely no progress. Back in August, these students would rip little pieces of pencil erasers off and then throw them at each other whenever my back was turned. OK, that was the beginning of the year, and they were essentially glorified 6th graders. But a whole school year has passed, and during our last project of the year (model an ecosystem), these same students were breaking crayons and throwing them around the room at each other.
Worst of all? On the last day of school, my "thing" is to bring in watermelon for all my classes. I have now served watermelon to 21 different classes over 3 years at this school, and only in my last class of the day this year have I ever seen students throwing watermelon at each other. It wasn't just one or two pieces, it was all over the place, smashed on the walls and in the corners. I was so disturbed by their behavior, it still upsets me to think about it, a week later. I told them, "If I don't come back next year, it's because of you."
And I have been looking. I'm well aware that the grass is always greener.... I'm comparing commuting times, and so far there are jobs out there I could do, but I haven't applied. I probably won't because I'm lazy and because at least where I am I know what I'll be dealing with, but I feel so beaten down right now. I am grateful that my eighth graders made so much progress, but my seventh graders were so difficult that any positive feelings about last year are easily outweighed by the negatives.
The thing is, I don't even know if that's a valid perspective, or if I'm just over-reacting. I can't help beating myself up over this -- what could I have done differently? What did I do or not do that allowed all this to continue? I have no way to assess how much responsibility to take, but my starting point is, I'm responsible for what goes on in my classroom. I believe that, but is it really true when I've got a dozen sociopaths to manage and no administrative support?
About a third of new teachers leave the profession after three years, and by five years, more than half will have left. I'm in that zone now. I don't have any doubts about teaching, but I do have doubts about teaching where I am. I thought it would be getting easier by now. In many ways, and for my eighth graders, it was. But as for the rest? It's hard to see any relief.
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