recurrence, again, eventually

I had my endo appointment last week.  As I feared, my Tg (tumor marker) went up again,  to 5.5.  That persistent node in my right cervical chain is still persisting, but doesn't look suspicious.  I think it's basically the last functioning node in my right cervical chain, so it gets enlarged trying to do the job of all the nodes that were removed in earlier surgeries.  It is, in a sense, a superhero node working permanent overtime.  Of course, it could also be a cancerous node, but even after all these years it doesn't ever present as one.

The tech also imaged a new, totally innocent looking smaller node on my left side.  Weird.

Since I had an MRI last year, we're going with a PET scan this year.  I intensely dislike these annual reminders that I have cancer, but we can't find it.  Nothing we can do, just have to wait and see if it ever gets big enough to treat.

I am slightly depressed over this.  I want to stay in bed and do nothing, but that's really not an option, so I end up not doing some things and choosing to do other, more random tasks, and just being extremely grumpy all the time, which is exhausting.

I don't like not knowing what's going to happen, and for now, I don't even know when the PET scan will be, so I don't know when I'll know what's going on with me.  I feel fine, mostly, just a little congested and chronically tired, but both are mostly caused by lack of sleep.

Here's the thing: there is literally nothing I can do about this.  I  dislike having so little control. I fully expect a negative scan, and to keep on getting negative scans, for at least another 10 years or so.  Eventually, something may light up and we'll have to go cut it out, but I don't see that happening any time soon. 

And on that happy note, it's off to bed.