scenarios

If the scan was clean, then whatever is making my tumor marker rise is too small to see by conventional methods, so no treatment is indicated now. I'll be subjected to "watchful waiting" for the foreseeable future to keep track of my numbers. The relief I feel at not needing treatment will be offset by my annoyance at having to go through all this hassle and expense only to end up with essentially no data.

If the scan showed one or two small spots, then the situation is slightly more complicated: I could go for treatment or I could stick with watchful waiting, perhaps tweaking my medication so my TSH is even more suppressed. I will feel some relief at knowing the current state of my disease progression. This will be offset by my anxiety over the sure knowledge that my cancer is back again, which in turn will/may be balanced by the fact that it took over 6 years to show up again. This particular see-saw doesn't stop there, though, because, you know, Dr. Clayman promised he got it all, and I believed him.

If the scan shows enough disease progression to require treatment, I will get the treatment, of course. It will most likely be surgery, unless it's in an inoperable place, which would be weird, and would then probably need some kind of external beam radiation. Ick. Sometimes I'm afraid that my undiagnosable headaches from a couple of years ago (which never went away, I just know how to manage them) are actually from metastases, but that's really unlikely.

Options 1 and 2 have me planning my summer vacation Tuesday evening. I'm looking forward to that. Option 3 is not exactly unthinkable, and it really does help that I've been through a neck dissection before, but I don't have any feeling about this one way or the other. I just don't know.

My general response to this situation is: I don't have time for this. Can't you see I'm working here? I'd like to continue to do that, OK? OK.

fake

Today at the end of my prep hour (in which I - for once - did actual lesson planning) I noticed that my endocrinologist's office had called. In the vastness of my classroom, I rarely hear my cell phone vibrating.

I tried to call back but got funneled through to voice mail and gave up, only to find that they had left me a message. I felt distinctly uneasy -- why are they calling me today, my appointment's not until Tuesday, they wouldn't be reminding me so soon, so there must be some news...

No such luck. The message was a simple appointment reminder. Still don't know whether I'm coming or going.

[It's not that I don't work during my prep hour, it's just that lesson planning is usually my Sunday evening activity. Prep hour is usually for cleaning, assembling or putting away lab supplies, grading, updating the gradebook, or writing tests.]

unhome

Ninja dishwasher -- so quiet you don't know it's there

So last weekend DH says, "Let's get a new dishwasher." This wasn't totally out of left field since we'd had to prop the old one closed so it would run. Still, I was surprised, because the broomstick wasn't that much of a pain to deal with. We went to the Sears Appliance Center down the street and bought a dishwasher. (We tried Spencer's first, but they were closed, and we were impatient.)

It was installed yesterday in between doctor's appointments and A/C maintenance and making Boston Creme pie for Pi Day.

Not pretty, but tasty: yellow cake, pastry creme filling, and dark chocolate ganache

We bought a new refrigerator, too, simply because the old one was 16 years old and that in itself was something of a miracle. Better to plan the switch than have to deal with it on an emergency basis. The new fridge was just delivered, a half-hour early. While normally one appreciates a delivery coming early, I was in no way prepared for it: my dentist appointment ran late. What I'd hoped would be a thoughtful process of sorting, storing, and disposing was instead a rush job of getting everything out of the old unit so it could be moved out of the way.

It wasn't that bad in the alcove, but it still took some effort to get it clean.

It's huge, but it doesn't take over the kitchen.

I basically threw everything into the new fridge. We'll sort it out later. I'm exhausted.

Between the dishwasher and refrigerator, that doesn't feel like my kitchen. I know I'll get used to it, but right now I can't help thinking if all this expense and fuss was worth it.

PET/CT

... scan this morning. It took, as scheduled, about 2 hours from start to finish. The first thing the tech did was to check my blood sugar (95, fasting) to make sure that the radioactive sugar tracer would get picked up by anything hungry. Second was finding a vein (always a joy), and finally going with one on the back of my hand in which to inject said tracer. The tech brought in a little lead-lined box (looking exactly like a fashionable little clutch, if it weren't for the radiation hazard symbols on it), and took from it a lead-encased hypodermic -- for her protection, not mine, since of course she injected me with the stuff. It was a very small amount of material, but I still had that odd, cold-veined feeling from it.

After that? Resting for an hour to let the tracer work its way through my system, while I worked on a vanilla-flavored barium contrast shake. It's a good thing I was fasting, there is no way I could've drunk that shake if I had had anything in my stomach already. As it was, it wasn't easy drinking the whole thing, even though the texture was much improved since the last time I had to drink something like that.

So, tucked up in a warm blanket, I mostly napped in the recliner for that hour, and then I was brought into the scanner. As usual, it features an incredibly narrow plank which slides in and out of the "doughnut" which is the actual scanner. This is where I screwed up, because I didn't relax my arms enough while the tech was adjusting the velcro straps that are supposed to support them during the scan. I think I just wanted to get it over with, and I wasn't really thinking about whether the straps were supporting my arms or I was.

Holding your arms at your sides for 40 minutes isn't fun, and I ended up with a headache because the cradle for my head, while lined with some type of thick fabric, was still really hard underneath. It doesn't help that I'm in a minor flare and everything hurts now anyway.

I cycled through the stages of "wow, this really hurts, and I really need to move my arms" to "relax, relax, don't screw it up or they'll have to start all over" to "OK, I can do this" at least three times, and had come back around to the "don't screw it up" point again when it was finally over.

The tech says my doctor will have results in 24 hours, 48 at the latest, but my appointment with my endocrinologist is set for March 27 and I don't expect to hear anything before then. (sigh)

I was put off today by a couple of people who know about this situation and just brushed it off as if it were nothing. I don't want to be fussed over, but I would like some acknowledgement that this situation -- waiting for test results, not knowing whether I'm coming or going -- wears on a person. Well, it wears on me.

That wraps up day two of a spring break that is full of appointments and deliveries, and will finish up with a speech and debate tournament. This is the kind of vacation that you need a vacation from.

low

We did some shopping over the weekend.

Young Chang Y-131 52" upright, aka "a real piano"

Sounds phenomenal, and plays like a concert grand. It's to be delivered Friday, and we are all very excited for its arrival. The old Reed Music Co. console has been dead for a while, and I just didn't want to admit it. I only realized how bad it was when I started practicing a new piece, and now I feel rather bad about having the kids play on such a wretched piano for so long.

Still, I'm feeling beset from all sides. There are no new catastrophes to deal with, and I'm matter-of-fact about my follow up tests, now. I just don't like how any happy news only "sticks" for a moment or two and then I'm right back down in the pit. I'm not sure what's going to get me out, although a clean PET/CT scan would probably do it.

Retail therapy is usually a lot more effective.

next...

After three rounds of telephone tag, my endocrinologist's nurse/manager finally called me at a time when I could answer my phone. (The messages we were leaving for each other would have been hilarious if they had not been so frustrating.) The conversation was brief; the nurse manager is refreshingly direct. It's all well and good that the biopsy came back negative, but given that my tumor marker is increasing, the endo wants me to have a PET scan.

That is quite a reasonable course of action, and it aligns perfectly with the ATA guidelines for this situation.

I've never had a PET scan, but it doesn't sound much different from other scans I've had. I tend to doze off during whole body scans, since they are silent and take about 45 minutes. I'm quite happy to hear that this scan will not involve the horrible banging and clicking and buzzing of an MRI.

Scheduling this will be interesting. DS1 will be having two different oral surgeries in the next month or so, plus we've got two more debate tournaments, DS2's field hockey tournament, and spring break coming up as well.

DS1's surgery and the State tournament make extended travel that week impossible, but I'd love to get away for just a day or two. I just have to figure out how to do that.

status quo

Finally spoke to the doctor today. The results were good, in that they didn't find any evidence of thyroid cancer in the samples they took. However, as always, the pathologist did that CYA routine where he noted that the conclusion is only valid for the materials that were extracted and that we can't be sure there isn't something going on in all the stuff that was left behind. To be really really sure there's nothing going on, you have to do a surgical excision.

The ENT thinks that's overkill, and I agree, but given my rising tumor marker (Tg), we are leaving it up to my endocrinologist to make the call as to what tests to do next.

So I still don't know what's going on, but I'm so used to it by now it doesn't make a difference.

I stayed late after school today so I could go with the high school science club to the open house at Microchip, part of the Arizona SciTech Festival. It was a great event, and the kids had a fantastic time seeing all of the cool technology and how it's applied.

It was a wonderful tonic for me, too, as I have been struggling so much with my students. So many of them just don't want to be there or put in any effort at all that it is disheartening. It was a joy to be around students this evening who were engaged and interesting and polite and fun to be with.

missed message

I clung to my cellphone all afternoon so I wouldn't miss the doctor's call with my biopsy results. Of course, that's what happened anyway, when I set my phone down at the music studio this evening (kids' piano and voice lessons) and didn't hear it buzzing when he called. I did not expect him to call at 6:24PM.

I can call him back tomorrow after 1:30PM, he said, "to discuss the next steps, given the biopsy results," which of course he did not divulge.

(bangs head against wall)

There are three possible outcomes of any FNA. Positive, they found cancer cells. Negative, they didn't find cancer cells. Indeterminate, they didn't find much of anything and are unwilling to say anything about what they did find.

Pretty much the only difference that would come from one result versus another is the type of tests that are ordered as the next step. If it's negative or indeterminate, it might be OK to put off further testing until the summer. If it's positive, that may be reason enough to try to move things along more quickly.

Tomorrow I'll find out what I should already know by now, but really, one more day isn't going to make that big a difference.

back in the real world...

Yeah, expecting to hear results after a mere 48 hours was a pipe dream. I still haven't heard anything.

On the other hand, I spent all weekend cooking and eating, as DS2 turned 11 and had a sleepover party, necessitating brownies, cupcakes, and fresh-squeezed orange juice, among other things.

My neck hurts less than it did last week, but still isn't "right", and I have a headache most days which Tylenol helps but doesn't eliminate.

I go long stretches without thinking about the cancer situation, mostly because I have that "beating my head against a brick wall" feeling regarding my teaching. The class average for my seventh graders on our last quiz was 8/20, and I fear that my eighth graders will do just as poorly on the quiz they are having this week. In one review session this morning, I said something like, "The last question is something we talked about during the lab last week." One student -- a pretty good student, too -- replied, "But that was on Thursday, I don't remember anything from that far back!" The lack of continuity and opportunities for repetition over time in the block schedule is killing me.

In spite of that, I know I'm a better teacher this year. It's such a shame it won't be reflected in any of my students' standardized test grades.

group

An hour goes by fast when you're talking to, with, and about other people's problems. It went by so quickly today that I didn't get a chance to mention my biopsy, and no one noticed the faint bruising or swelling under my jawline.

I did get a chance to talk to my co-facilitator to let her know what's going on. She has her own distractions to deal with. We left it at keeping each other posted if we hear any news, especially if it means we won't be able to make the group. There's not much else we can do at this point.

that was easy

Well, as easy as could be expected.

I had a very kind and competent ultrasound technician and an equally kind and experienced radiologist for my FNA biopsy today.

As these things go, that was the best so far. The doctor used an absolutely tiny needle to administer the anesthetic, so it burned much less than it has in the past. He made four passes at the lymph node, and the sensations of the needle hitting the node and then drawing out its contents were painful in a way that is hard to describe if you haven't experienced it. It just 1) feels weird and 2) hurts to have someone poking around your innards, no matter that said innards are fairly close to your skin. But today the pain was bearable, maybe because I've been through it before and knew what to expect, or maybe because I have so much residual nerve damage in my neck from previous surgeries that I literally couldn't feel it as much as I have before.

Whatever the resaon, it wasn't nearly as painful or exhausting as it has been in the past. I'm left with a slight bruise but it's in a location that most people are not likely to notice.

The doctor made a point of showing me the node-with-needle image on the ultrasound, so I could see how well he was able to target it (very well). I asked him if I could see how vascularized it was, and he was very obliging, and had the tech image the node and turn on the Doppler, and then freeze the image so I could turn my head to see it. There were 4 tiny red specks around the perimeter, and no signs of calcification. I would have preferred only one tiny red speck, but the 4 tiny specks were not so bad. If there's anything going on in there, it's just getting started.

The tech told me that my ENT would have results "within 48 hours," which approaches miraculous. After that, I have no idea.

habituated

It took a little more than a week for the shock to wear off. Now I can go entire consecutive hours without thinking about the fact that I have a recurrence (of indeterminate size) and that I am having a biopsy tomorrow.

Then I remember.

It's surprising how future-focused day-to-day life is. With school, it's planning the next lesson, and the lessons for the next day and the days after that, all the way out to spring break. With my family, it's figuring out who has to do what, when, and who needs a ride where, and all that.

What we'd like to be doing, what I would be usually doing at this time of year, is planning our spring break activities and starting to look at flights back east for the summer. That's where my mind goes when I forget, and then I remember.

next step

I'm scheduled for a biopsy on Wednesday.

I've said it before and I hope I never have to say it again, but a day that includes the decision to jab needles in my neck is not a good day. There is no way around that.

My ENT assured me, several times, that even though I have a recurrence, it won't kill me. Of course he didn't use those words, since he has both tact and charm, but that's what he meant. Me, I can be as blunt as I want in my blog.

grrrrr

Saw the endo today. My tumor marker is up, and I have small, but persistent, lymph nodes near my right submandibular salivary gland.

More tests coming, and we'll have to see what they find. In reviewing my labs, I see that even my suppressed Tg (that would be the tumor marker) has been slowly creeping up over the past 4 years or so, from undetectable to .1 something to .2 something to now .32, so there's definitely something going on, even if it's not very big.

I'm meeting with my ENT on Thursday and we'll consult on whether it should be a PET scan, a PET/CT, a CT with contrast, or an MRI that could best visualize whatever is going on. The endo's going with the radiologist (who read the ultrasound report),and recommending a PET scan. I don't think I've ever had one. First time for everything, I suppose.

I never ever ever want to go under the knife again, but it's probably somewhere in my future. Perhaps I can push it off a ways...

boom!

Something loud shook the house at about quarter to 11. DD came down asking about it; it shook her loft bed, which is literally bolted to the walls. We went out to look around in the yard and didn't see anything, but it didn't take long for the sirens to start.

Something exploded, a few blocks south of us. We have a view of the smoke and flames from our upstairs window. We think it's one of the small houses in the residential neighborhood there, but we don't know for sure. Lots of speculation: meth lab? gas leak? What else could there be?

@11:15. Now DH is tuned in to the fire department's radio on our new Roku box, and we hear the address. It's a house not a half mile from here, directly south. From the size of the glow, it was not a small fire, and I can hear more sirens coming in now. People died there, surely. Neighbors most likely died, too, if we felt the explosion a half a mile away.

The older two kids are concerned -- what if it's a gas leak? I've already reassured them and sent them back to bed.

It's unsettling, to be sure. It's remarkable how safe you can feel in a place until suddenly, you don't.

follow up

I had my post-thyroid ultrasound on Monday morning, ridiculously early for a day off from work. Today, the message from Dr. O's office was waiting when I got home from school: Your ultrasound results are in. The doctor would like to see you.

This is the part where I spin my wheels trying to remember what I saw and to figure out what it means. I saw a highly vascularized blob of something, but that could have been my carotid or jugular for all I know. Dr. O could just want to see me to make sure the problems I was having in the late fall, mostly due to flaring gastroparesis, have resolved.

I like the sound of that much better than any other reason to be of interest to the doctor.

wolf, hedgehog, raccoon

Linneaus' pet raccoon, Sjupp...

Oddly enough, this weekend feels like we're finally on vacation. Last week was project work week: SLE (lupus), hedgehogs, and Linneaus. We all know a lot more about each of them, now.

...and here are the hedgehogs - European on the left, Four-toed (African) on the right, in their natural habitats

constructive forces

Reddish, rusty cinder cone dislodged from the top of Sunset Crater sometime late in its last eruption.


It's all a matter of perspective. Sometimes tearing down and building up are happening at the same time.

passed

The time is gone when any of my children will spontaneously give me a hug or kiss, so I give them both to make up for it.

instead

Sunset at Little America, Flagstaff

Somehow all of December passed without a word written here, so again, I resort to an omnibus sort of post, trying to cram all sorts of things in just so they aren't forgotten altogether.

School-wise, second semester coasted to a close after the science fair. My students objected vehemently to getting back to "regular" work, but we managed to get back into some sort of rhythm. I'm working on integrating more video into my lessons as I find more ways to use my projector. Now I just have to remember to retrieve my speakers from the colleague who borrowed them for last days before winter break...

My students were particularly aggrieved that I made them take their second benchmark in the days just before break (which explains why I was willing to loan out those speakers). One reason for that timing: I had my Thyrogen trial in the week before Christmas, and I had to drive up to Phoenix four days out of five -- Monday and Tuesday for injections, Wednesday for dosing, and Friday for the scan. Happily, the scan was negative, but I won't find out my blood work results until the end of January.

After taking a year (or more) off, I've run the whole gauntlet of cancer tests again, getting the all-clear from my dermatologist and my GYN. One test result still pending, though: the BT Test, a new blood test from breast cancer.

In the run-up to Christmas, I remembered how medical issues used to dominate my life. I won't really relax until all the tests are in and I'm clear, but obviously I'm happy about the results so far.

Back at the beginning of December, I took off a day of work to travel with DS1's speech and debate team to the Winter Trophy tournament. It was an exhausting and intense experience, but such a joy to spend so much time with this group of amazing students and dedicated staff and parents. We drove out early Friday morning and returned very late Saturday (or early Sunday morning, depending on how you want to look at it.) Trips like this are like vacations from reality. None of my usual responsibilities weighed on me, because I was completely consumed with a new one: judging. I love the mental workouts these tournaments put me through.

After Winter Trophy, things shifted into high gear, as all the kids had their piano recital, the older two had Fine Arts night, and DS2 had a concert. I took DD and a couple of her school friends up to the Wildlife World Zoo to meet one of their hedgehogs. There was a lot of shopping, some baking, and we even managed to do a Christmas card this year.

DD tolerates this process...barely.

Christmas itself seemed uncharacteristically easy. It was lovely having so many days off to prepare before the holiday itself. I spent most of Christmas in the kitchen, simply because I didn't feel like doing all the cooking the day before, and we had no other plans. I brined the turkey the same way, and paid attention to Thanksgiving's lessons, and dinner was terrific. I admit, I still bailed on making my own rolls: Trader Joe's crescent rolls were much better than the store bought rolls from T-day. DD helped me make an apple pie (at DH's request) and our Christmas Tree cake (blueberry, this year).

After days of lounging around, we booked a room in Flagstaff so we could get some sledding in. We checked the forecast and knew it would be warm, but we didn't realize how warm it really would be, nor did we know how that would affect the snow cover. Wing Mountain trucked in tons of snow but simply gets too much sun to keep it on the slopes, and since we were too lazy to get up at a decent hour, all that was left by the time we got there was slush. Still, the kids and I had a a half-dozen runs or so apiece before we bailed: mud and slush and wandering toddlers combined to take the fun out of it.

Still, Flagstaff wasn't a total loss. After dinner we visited Lowell Observatory and looked back into the earliest days of the universe, as well as the moon, the Pleiades, and Jupiter and four of its moons. The next day we visited Sunset Crater and the Wupatki National Monument, and I was in heaven. It was a perfect geek get-away.

Sunset Crater

Lone tree clinging to the cinder-covered slope at Sunset Crater

at Wupatki National Monument (the fill-in flash on my camera was wholly inadequate to the requirements, here)

What did the kids like the best? My guess: playing in the snow at Sunset Crater.

Off-trail entertainment

lessons

Things I learned this week -- from my 2nd science fair, and from Thanksgiving -- that I'm writing down so I won't forget.

Science Fair first, since it was something of a debacle. I had one class hour (20 students) in which only one student turned in a project. I'm still struggling with how much responsibility for that lies with me; this page details the entire process. What usually happens is that the students screw around until the last minute and then come up with something, but with this particular group of students, that did not happen. Astoundingly, only one other group turned in a project on Wednesday. What are the other ones waiting for? The majority of them had their data and their reports drafted -- all they needed to do was type them up and make a display board. I don't get it.

Next time (if there is a next time):
* submit the facility request form (now that I know it exists) for the gym when the schedule is set
* find out the schedule for benchmark testing for language arts and math, since they either take over the computer lab or screw up the schedule, or both
* find out the schedule for standardized testing for high school, because it screws up the schedule for junior high even though no junior high students are testing
* make the all the projects due at the beginning of school on the first day of the science fair so the judges have more time
* review the rubrics with the judges to smooth out the extremes (everything was great! everything was a mess!)

Things that worked well: requiring complete typed rough drafts from the students was very helpful to the groups that did them. Making the students evaluate at least five other student presentations worked well and forced the students to look at other projects in more depth. The timing -- Thanksgiving week -- seems insane but is actually awesome, because the students know it's a short week and don't want to do anything, anyway, and then there's the four day weekend to plow through all the grading.

Wednesday was a full day at school, but even with breaking down the science fair, I still got home around 4PM, which gave me plenty of time to cook.

Thanksgiving was a vastly more pleasant experience.

* Brine for an already-injected frozen, then defrosted turkey: 2/3 cup kosher salt, 2/3 cup sugar, 1 gallon of water; 12-14 hour brining time for a very large bird.

* Cutting up the turkey before brining and roasting it is awesome. I roasted the back (for soup) while the pies were baking on Wednesday. On Thursday, I sliced carrots, celery, and onion very thinly and scattered the pieces over (double, heavy-duty, lots of extra at the edges) foil-lined sheet pans. The whole breast and one wing fit on one pan, the legs, thighs, and other wing on another. I brushed the pieces with melted butter and gave them a little salt, then roasted at 400 for about 2 hours. (These were pieces from a 22-pound bird). I checked them periodically and added chicken stock to the pans if the vegetables where charring. The meat came out perfect, and made excellent drippings for gravy that were easy to handle -- I just picked up the foil and poured off the liquid. Clean up was a snap, too.

* The cranberry apricot pecan relish needs a lot more ginger than I thought it does.

* Gingersnaps make an awesome crust for a pumpkin pie.

* Microwave cooking a full pot of green beans takes longer than microwaving a few servings.

* Store bought rolls may be easy but the home made ones are so much better. I just need to suck it up and make my own.

* Peeling and cubing the squash before cooking it is a lot easier to deal with than cooking the whole squash and trying to get the edible parts separated from the peel.

* The pies won't overcook if you don't overfill them.

* Check and make sure there's still molasses in the cupboard before starting to bake.

* When making meringue, the instructions that say "add sugar gradually" are not kidding.

* Making cranberry sauce on the stove top, and letting it cook for (at least) 10 minutes, as the recipe dictates, works a lot better than using the microwave.

a day off

So many times I would've typed "a day, off" -- but not today.

Today was a day to count blessings, so I did.

no more jack-o-lanterns

This is the first year in all the years we've lived in this house, I think -- 13 years -- that we haven't carved pumpkins. It was always my job to rustle up some candles from somewhere so I could light them and put them in the pumpkins out front. And then I had to remember to go out later, much later than the last trick-or-treaters, to blow out the candles and bring in the pumpkins, before they got smashed in the street. This year no one in the house wanted to do it, so we didn't.

DS1 opted out this year, knowing he'll be able to share his younger siblings' candy. DD and DS2 are wearing sensible footwear (as opposed to the pre-teen in stiletto heels who just left the door) and will probably be out with DH for another hour, hauling back more candy than they will even want to eat.

While at home things seem less stressed than usual, I'm dreading the rest of this week at school. Children on an all-candy diet don't listen or learn well. Best not to think of that, and enjoy watching Alice's excitement with each new group of children at the door.

She's very patient, and only occasionally
tries to fish a lollipop out of the candy bowl.

pilfering trifles

Today I discovered the latest in an ongoing series of minor thefts from my classroom: the toy cars I'd bought last year for the 8th graders to use in our physics unit. So far this year, I've "lost"

- Basher Science: Rocks and Minerals: A Gem of a Read

- FOR BIG MISTAKES ERASER

- a set of 4 fine-tipped dry erase markers... one at a time... from my desk

- a lovely brain coral specimen that was given to me by a student

- a gallon-size ziploc bag of more than two dozen Sharpies and other permanent markers

- 18 Matchbox cars

The bag of Sharpies was in one of my desk drawers, all the way in the back, behind a divider. The Matchbox cars were in a plastic lunchbox from Disneyland, in a closed cabinet by my desk.

Somehow, I made it through the school year last year without losing these things (well, not the dry erase markers).

Every time this happens, I get upset. It's not the money. I have these things so that my students can use them, and so they are just stealing from themselves. It makes me very sad.

I need to figure out how to let this kind of thing go, but I'm not there yet.

Q2

Tomorrow begins the second quarter of school, already... fall break was just a week but seemed like more.

DD & I flew into Boston for a quick trip out to see how Mom is recovering. In a word: splendidly.

Mom with one brother & his family

We were very lucky to hit the end of Indian Summer. There's something glorious about swimming in the Atlantic in October, when the water is tolerably cool and incredibly clear. We walked clear to the tip of Chapaquoit, with crowds of sandpipers fleeing before us.

Non-plussed, they'd just scurry a few feet away and wait for us to catch up to them.

We packed a lot into a few days: beach, shopping, cupcakes, Woods Hole... best of course was seeing family, including my newest grand-nephew.



Then home again, for piano lessons and assorted appointments and two days of a debate tournament. That left just today for getting ready for the week to come. Second quarter -- I'm taking a deep breath now because I won't be able to get another until Thanksgiving.

round peg, square hole

I cleaned up some graffiti in a girls' bathroom at work today, and now it seems as if I may catch flak for it.

The question keeps arising: what am I doing there?

Only two more days of classes until fall break, and a quick trip out to see Mom, who is nicely recovering from all her procedures. Yay!

being a philosopher...

... I have a problem for every solution.

That's one of the quotes I heard -- the topic for an Impromptu speech -- at the speech & debate festival I attended with DS1 today. It was a long day, but very satisfying in many ways. I don't get too much intellectual stimulation during my normal routine. Today I remembered how I felt as a college freshman, surrounded by other people who weren't ashamed of the fact that they were smart, or beyond smart. When I got out of school and started working, it took a while for the expectation of brilliance to wear off. I ran into all sorts of problems, usually minor, because I wasn't taking into account the fact that not everyone thinks the way I do.

I still get hassled by my students when I throw some unusual (for them) vocabulary their way (I think everyone should know, for example, what wretched means). They don't see the point, and when I try to explain to them that limited vocabulary means a limited ability to think, the majority of them don't see that as a downside.

So all of this... intellectual stimulation is setting of a cycle of introspection regarding where I am now and whether or not it is the kind of place I really should be in. I am feeling very square-peg-in-a-round-hole after today, because at the festival, I felt as if I belonged. At my school, I belong only because I've carved out a space for myself and everyone else just has to accept the fact that I'm there. I acutely feel how different I am from everyone else, both faculty and staff.

Not that anything is changing. This is just me spinning my wheels again, finding the problems where they don't exist.

Speaking of: Mom's pace maker was implanted without any incidents, and she is back home again. Her case for valve replacement as part of the clinical trial goes before the review board this week, and her doctor is hoping to schedule her for the procedure before the end of the month. She sounds good but tired, and I have been distracted and disturbed all week by being so far away. Talking on the phone doesn't help that much, and even though I know she would tell me to stay home and take care of my family and my work, I still want to be there, with her.

My u/s report came back OK, I guess. The lymph nodes they saw on the left are gone, replaced by lymph nodes on the right. The catch in my throat when I swallow appears to be the result of scar tissue. I'll ask the ENT about that when I see him in a couple of weeks.

So, it's good. I have to stop thinking past the good to the potential bads lurking behind it.

today & tomorrow

It's the sixth week of school, and some days are heaven and some are... more like today. Today was one of those days when, in a less-than-ideal situation, you find yourself making less-than-ideal choices. And having started down that path, I found myself pushed along it, prevented from taking another by all of the other people around me. Specifically, in dealing with a particularly needy student, all of the other students piling in didn't help, and in those moments, the sense of everything slipping away was quite real.

The reality is, a student who won't work, won't hush, and won't leave the classroom when told to do so leaves me very few choices, and waiting for the dean of students to arrive to escort the student out still leaves my class ground to a halt. There has to be a better way, I just haven't figured it out yet.

Part of what made today difficult was waiting for news about my mom, who was scheduled for a pace maker. And then later un-scheduled, or re-scheduled, as the OR was booked for an emergency, or something. All of this is happening hundreds of miles and 3 times zones away. I feel like an amputee waiting for nerve sensations that literally can't happen.

Tomorrow I'm handing off one of my classes for an appointment with my endocrinologist to get the results of my September 1st ultrasound. I have been vaguely unsettled since then, probably for no good reason, but -- I've had a lot of these ultrasounds. I couldn't see the screen, so I have no idea what the tech was seeing. But I do know what the little tapping noises + beep means: measuring something,and taking an image. The tech measured a lot and took a lot of images. Of what, again, I don't know, but I do know that there was roughly twice as much measuring and beeping as last time. Maybe that's just a personal preference thing with the technicians (although I wouldn't think so.) I see what I'm doing here, which is making myself crazy, and I'm trying not to do that. There's no reason to think I have a recurrence.

I'm going to stick with that thought, at least until tomorrow morning when I find out that there is no recurrence, and that Mom's pace maker is in and she's fine, and we're all as all right as we can be.

here lies the difficulty

I'm finally on antibiotics to rid myself of nasty little sinus infection, but that's not the problem. And I'm on a regular dose of NSAIDS to help calm the (likely) tendonitis in my shoulder, but that's not the problem, either.

The real problem is this sense of wanting, needing, to be in two places at once. Of having way too much time on my hands while at the same having way too much to do.

I haven't figured out how write here, either. There are things I could say when I wasn't working and my children were a lot younger and I could afford, frankly, to sound a bit off. When one is recovering from cancer, people tend to make allowances if you're overly emotional from time to time. But as I continue my fairly convincing impersonation of a healthy person, that sort of thing doesn't fly anymore.

On Talcott Mountain, experimenting with the camera's self-timer

Anyway, summer's almost over and I haven't written a word (here or anywhere else) about last year, or this year's vacations, or anything. I hope to, when I figure out how.

"Everything happened so fast"

I think it's funny that's it's summer again and there's still a post from last summer on the main page. At this time last year I was dealing with intractable headaches and getting my kids ready for summer school. I was still working on my teacher certification courses but in employment limbo. The only thing I knew for sure was that all three kids would be on the same school campus again in the fall, and that freed up the possibility of me working again during the school year.

We took our usual long summer vacation back East.

I got a job teaching 7th and 8th grade general science.

The kids started at their new school.

I switched to Rio Salado's Teacher In Residence program so I could finish my courses without having to do practicums and student teaching in another classroom.

DH's business partner was lost in a freak diving accident.

Mom went on a two-week cruise which was lovely until she came down with some kind of intestinal bug. She spent the last four or five days unable to eat or drink and ended up getting IV fluids. Then she basically didn't eat or drink for several more days and ended up needing two (3?) emergency surgeries for severe dehydration.

At Christmas, we visited with Mom at my brother's in New Orleans for a week, and then spent all the rest of our time off working diligently on all three kids' projects: DS1 built a scale model of a medieval castle, DD did a science project with dry ice, and DS2 did a research report on the Temple of Caesar.

I finished my last class for my teacher certification program.

I survived my first science fair. My RE students all made their sacraments. DS1, DD, and DS2 completed their next levels of the Arizona Study Program and made purple belt with black stripe in karate.

I had my final classroom observations for my teacher certification program.

In the last full week of May, the kids played brilliantly in their graduation recital, DS2 had a chorus concert, my 8th grade students graduated, and DS1 graduated.

School has been out now, for me, a week -- for the kids, that will be tomorrow. I picked up my Institutional Recommendation from Rio and now have my provisional teaching certificate. (That's what the Dept of Ed calls the full certificate the first two years you hold it.) I have a contract to teach next year.

Mom's home, and while she recovered from the effects of the emergency surgery well, she is still not very strong. We're heading out soon to spend the summer with her.

That is, of course, the bare bones. DH took over getting the kids their breakfasts and lunches during the school week, although often DS2 and I made a huge batch of pancakes on Sunday to get them through a big chunk of the week. Grocery shopping became a shared task, too, as DH did errands on the weekend while I was busy with school work. There were a lot of things that happened every week: lesson planning, grading, talking to parents, teaching RE, checking my own kids' homework, piano lessons, karate. More sporadically, thyroid cancer support, although that is really tapering off as more and more people look to social networking sites for their support needs.

It feels as if all this happened to someone else.

4 weeks to go

It's May, suddenly -- and I'm just about through with my first year teaching full-time. I would have to write a book about it to avoid understatement, but I'll settle for more blog posts over the summer when I have time. Extraordinary amounts of time were consumed by lesson planning and grading and things I hadn't even imagined I'd have to do, like moving furniture (don't ask).

I'm really, really looking forward to a true summer off -- from teaching and from my own classes, too. Two more observations and a bit of writing and I'm done! Took me long enough, hmmm?

slogging through

Very, very busy -- so busy we still (still!) haven't sent out the Happy New Year cards we had made up, since we were so busy we missed the window for sending out Christmas cards. Perhaps we'll get them out this weekend.

We've built castles, researched Roman architecture, investigated dry ice, pretty much completely redone DD's room, and took a family trip to New Orleans. Personally, I finally finished my last teacher prep course at Rio Salado, now all I have to do is survive my student teaching gig (through this year) and I'll get my institutional recommendation from Rio, and I should be all set.

I don't think I've ever worked so hard in my life, and given that I used to be a software developer, that's saying something. Next year will be easier, because I'll have all the lesson plans, notes, and materials already. This year, though, I have to write up every content lesson's notes, assemble all the worksheets, make the word walls (thank God for 3M's $30 laminater.) And develop all the quizzes and tests... not to mention the grading. And calling/emailing parents.

As I said, very busy. Looking forward to the upcoming long weekend.

success

At times this year it seemed as if we wouldn't even get the tree up.

whoa

mid-November -- how did we get here?

Anything I say will sound like whining, even if it's meant to be a simple factual statement of what's going on. So, briefly: I'm busy to the point of being overwhelmed. I was holding up OK until last week, when Mom went in for emergency surgery and some other things cropped up, too.

Nothing to be done but pray, and wait, and manage what I can.

flow

Last week was the seventh week of the school year. It amazes me that much time has gone by already -- much of it was a blur. But it was a turning-the-corner week. Even though I don't know why, I won't question it.

I think even though I didn't admit it to myself that the thyroid cancer panel was making me nervous. I had no need to be, Thursday evening was just a very good event. The three doctors spoke knowledgeably, the sizable audience asked great questions, and they all went so late that I didn't have to speak much at all. I said a few words at the end about the group and the work we do, inviting everyone to come for help and support. It was off-the-cuff and quick, but it seemed to fit, and everyone was pleased. Especially me, and not just because it was over.

At school, I'm finally relaxing enough to slow down, and we're trying new things to help improve retention. I am not proud; I make mistakes -- and one big mistake I made was thinking that, in taking their notes, that the students would be getting a fair ways up the learning curve with their content material. Not so, at least not at the pace we were going. Test scores were pretty discouraging, but class averages are still C or above, so it's not a complete disaster.

Still, I'm getting a better handle on discipline and relaxing into the material more. I know the kids a lot better now and am beginning to better understand what they need (as opposed to what I think they need) to actually learn. So we'll keep trying new things, and we'll see how it goes.

As for the post title -- it's a near-mythical state, when work is effortless and everything just ... flows. I hit it nearly every day this week. It's awesome, especially when the majority of the class is there with you. Then the bell rings...

Yeah. I'm still working on time management, but I bought a timer and that's really helping a lot.

Living with Thyroid Cancer

So, in addition to teaching full time now (!), volunteering in my church's religious ed dept, and co-facilitating a monthly thyroid cancer support meeting, I'm on tap later this month to get the patient's perspective on living with thyroid cancer as part of a panel discussion. (whew!) Here are the details, from the official flyer produced by The Cancer Center at Chandler Regional Medical Center:

“Living with Thyroid Cancer”

A Community Event


The Cancer Center at Chandler Regional Medical Center is pleased to host “Living with Thyroid Cancer”, a community educational event where the latest medical information regarding thyroid cancer will be shared by leading experts in the field. We are fortunate to have gathered physicians in the field of thyroid cancer to speak and share information about the latest medical treatment and management of thyroid cancer. In addition, a thyroid cancer survivor will share her experience living with this lesser known, complex disease.

When: September 23, 2010 6-8 pm

Where: The Cancer Center Lobby at Chandler Regional Medical Center
1875 W Frye Rd
Chandler, AZ 85224
(SE corner of Dobson and Frye Rd)
480-459-7342

Target Audience: Anyone interested in learning more about thyroid cancer including current patients, survivors, family members and friends.

Cost of event: FREE

RSVP: Please call ResourceLink at 877-728-5414 or email resourcelink@chw.edu to register (required).


Audience will be provided the opportunity to ask their topic related questions of the physicians during this event. Light refreshments will be served.

--------

Me again. We'll have an endocrinologist, a radiation oncologist, and a head and neck surgeon (and me) speaking and available for questions. I'm already collecting my thoughts and building up the outline of what I'm going to talk about: adjusting to post-thyroidectomy life with a "new normal", tinkering with medications, some common side effects, like salivary gland issues and voice problems... I get 15 minutes, which seems simultaneously infinite and way too short.

summer's gone

Poof! It's over, faster than I could have believed -- I have a job (!!!) and it starts tomorrow. So, before I forget it all, here's the recap of vacation that was, picking up where the last post left off.

Definitely too much sugar.
We went for ice cream at Smitty's Homemade Ice Cream in East Falmouth several times. Their ginger ice cream was fantastic, I only lamented they were out of peach so I couldn't get a ginger-peach combination.

The not-so-big-anymore Rock
We made our annual pilgrimage to Beebe Woods (pdf),but this time made the much longer hike to the Ice House Pond. It was OK, but we decided that next year we'd wear our bathing suits and go swimming in the Punch Bowl instead. The 300 Committee has done a fabulous job making trail maps available.


Waiting for lunch, why not pose for a family photo?
We did rent bikes again, and this time made it all the way to Woods Hole. The Shining Sea Bike Path is spectacular. The only real glitch was that DS1's bike got a flat, but I took it back to the shop and exchanged the bike for another, and then caught up with the family later on. We had a great lunch at Pie in the Sky, then wandered around Woods Hole before biking back. Just a lovely, lovely day all around.

Orphan?
This tiny rabbit hopped across the backyard. He was so small that at first I thought he was a chipmunk. Clearly destined to become some predator's evening snack, this little guy was so clueless he was actually hopping towards us. We scooped him up in the container and dumped him back into the woods near where he had hopped out, hoping he would find his way back to his family. We seem to have some kind of futile baby-animal rescue attempt every other summer or so. We know it's pointless, but we have to do it anyway.


Because everything is hysterical when you haven't had any sleep
We let the kids have a sleepover downstairs. You would think that, since they're spending weeks together, they wouldn't have anything left to talk about into the wee hours of the morning. You would be wrong. DH & I got to sleep upstairs while the kiddos stayed up till all hours, playing Truth or Dare and repeating endless Chuck Norris and Yo' Mama jokes.

Another summer classic: Jump!
I lost track of how many times we went to the beach! It was just enough to have fun, nowhere close to getting sick of it. I finally remembered to take out the camera and get some pictures, including this now-mandatory shot of everyone jumping off the block at Chapaquoit.

Dear friends
I took DH up to Boston so he could catch his flight back home -- sadly, he couldn't vacation as long as we could. We had a fantastic lunch at Erewon of Siam, a Thai restaurant in Waltham -- coincidentally the same restaurant we went to when we were discussing whether or not to move to Arizona, fifteen (!!!) years ago. Absolutely the best pad thai I've ever had. After lunch we drove to Logan and switched the cars, and then DH headed off, and I struck out for Sudbury, to meet my old Marsoft co-workers. It had been a few years since we'd been able to get together, but it never matter with friends as close as these. I think we've known each other for 20 years now.

One of the top sunset spots on the Cape - Chapaquoit Beach
I'm not sure what else was going on this particular day, but we went for a night swim. Maybe this is the day we went to the movies? We went to see Sorcerer's Apprentice because we thought it was going to rain, but it never did. The days are all mixed up now, not that it matters. Anyway, we were all restless so after supper we went to the beach, and it was hands down the most epic night swim ever. There was a wedding party finishing up photographs on the beach, with the incredible sunset and surf behind them -- what a fantastic idea, although luck had a lot to do with it. The water was warm, the tide was very low so there was no problem with anyone being over their heads, and the waves were fine for jumping. An amazing night.

Atop Big Blue
We took two cars up to Canton and hiked up Big Blue -- the red dot trail, which has a few challenging spots, but nothing too difficult, at least for walkers. There were a couple of mountain bikers coming up behind us, and those guys were really an inspiration, they way they muscled over those rocky trails. The weather station at the top was closed, so we came right back down again, and then drove out to Saugus to have lunch at the Hilltop Steakhouse. The kids loved it, and it seemed just the same to me as it was when I was a kid. That was our only trip across the bridge the entire trip, except for to and from the airport.


Pummeled, but loving it
Another beach day, excellent waves again. On this day the kids all decided to let the waves pound them as they lolled in the surf. It did not look like fun to me, but I'm not a kid anymore.

Millstones, etc
My brother took his family to the waterpark in Wareham for the day, so we were on our own. We had a low-key day, a visit to Spohr Gardens, and then a trip to Mashpee Commons to get a snack at Cupcake Charlies, featured on Cupcake Wars, one of the reasons why DD is obsessed with cupcakes recently:

Yum
That's a red velvet (DS1), a chocolate cupcake made to look like a Hostess cupcake with a cute name I can't remember (DS2), a peanut butter chocolate cupcake (DD), and a lemon drop for me. They were delicious, and as is usually the case with cupcakes, left us wanting more.


Hiding from the rain
I wanted to take all the kids on the Discovery oceanography cruise, so we piled in the beach car and drove into Falmouth, then took the Whoosh down to Woods Hole. We had lunch at Pie in the Sky, and while we were there, the sprinkles became light rain became heavier rain, and our trip was cancelled. We were disappointed because it wasn't really raining that hard, but everyone else had backed out, and there weren't enough passengers left to take the boat out. I put the boys back on the bus to town after arranging for a pick up for them, and the girls and I checked out the shops and galleries, and got a coffee at CO2 (the second Coffee Obsession) before we headed back ourselves.

There's no such thing as too much cream cheese frosting
DD had been talking about making red velvet cupcakes literally for weeks, and I was fortunate to find the no-taste red food coloring at Wal-Mart. They came out fantastic, and disappeared within 2 days.

Wing's Island
The Louisiana Contingent left, and the kids were at loose ends with themselves. We drove to Brewster in surprisingly light traffic, and visited the Cape Cod Museum of Natural History, which is charming. But even more charming was the easy, beautiful trail hike across Wing's Island. I wish they had been in a better mood, but they were more up for lunch at Kate's Seafood than the hike. Me, I liked them both just fine.

Early sign of fall's approach
Oftentimes the hips are more beautiful than the roses, to me.


Last beach day
The day before we left, I practically had to drag the kids to the beach. They were spent, especially since we had already visited my friend R's beach for a long afternoon just the day before. But when we got there, all that resistance was forgotten -- the waves were huge! My sister was with us, and we had a blast. I treated the kids to one last splurge from the ice cream truck, and no one wanted to leave.


Sand, sea, sky

Of course there was a lot we did that's not shown here, but really, this will be plenty to stir the memories. Tomorrow I dive into the new job -- by this time next week, my first day as a full-time teacher will be over!

on Cape

Arrived Wednesday, had ridiculously delicious fried seafood at McMenamy's. Put the screen door in the kitchen door and marginally improved the air flow upstairs -- the house was like a hot box. No air conditioning! Yikes. We all slept down in the basement that night, it was too hot to sleep upstairs.

Thursday was getting settled in, and beach in the afternoon. Friday was spider patrol (downstairs), shopping, laundry, and beach in the afternoon. Saturday I was up early and raked the side yard, and it was nice when my oldest sister came down early and kept me company, and convinced me to use the tarp to drag the leaves into the woods instead of raking them down. Then I did spider patrol (upstairs) and a lot of other straightening-up things because there was a party: a bridal shower for my nephew's fiancee. It was a nice, low-key affair.

Three sisters

My older sister came a little late, after work, but stayed much later. I had great visits with both of them.

Today I was up early with DH -- he went to play with golf with one of my brothers. I decided to make blueberry cake as the rest of the house slept. It was a generally lazy day but in the afternoon we went into town and rented bikes, and hit the Shining Sea bike path.

It was gorgeous.



We just got the bikes for an hour, a sort of trial run -- DS2 has just learned to ride, and DS1 was very reluctant (if not downright negative). Still, we all survived, and for the most part had fun -- I hope we get to do it again.

recapping CT

Absolutely breathtaking -- second place winner
Blue Ascension, Robert Noreika, Rocky Hill, Ct

We just got in from an after-dinner trip for ice cream to Bloom Hill Farm, where a small (small?!) dish of Reese's Madness more than satisfied the chocolate/peanut butter lover in me. We're heading to the Cape tomorrow, and the kids noted that "we've only been there once this year," so of course we scheduled it in.

This has been a pretty busy week, with a special focus - but here it is in a nutshell.

We arrived late Tuesday after a long and uneventful travel day. Perhaps the only thing of note is that National Car Rental service does not automatically include your husband/wife on your rental contract, as most (all?) of the other companies do. If you wish to be listed as a driver, it's an additional $10/day. I wasn't happy to find this out at the counter when we were picking up our car. I didn't yell or anything, but I guess I was sufficiently annoyed ("Well, hon, I guess you're driving, and we're never renting from National again...") that they waived the fee and enrolled us in their Emerald Club for free. I didn't ask for or expect anything and I certainly wasn't making a scene, they just proactively handled it.

Wednesday we had a bit of a late start, not surprising due to jet lag and general inertia, but DH and I took off for our annual trip to Mystic. On the way down we stopped at Saltwater Farm Vineyard, new this year and just delightful.

The hangar/winery and vineyards at Saltwater Farm Vineyard

We found Mystic as lovely as ever, with The Mermaid Inn as welcoming and stuffed full of delicious offerings as we could ever want. This did not prevent us, of course, from going to dinner at the S&P, where we enjoyed the splendid views and even more splendid seafood.

S&P Oyster Co, our dinner spot

The gazebo at The Mermaid Inn

After our three course breakfast in the morning, featuring the world's best granola and absolutely insane pecan-encrusted Challa french toast, we ambled into Mystic to peep at all the beautiful things in The Company of Craftsmen, which is my favorite store in the entire world, and to view the Connecticut Academy of Fine Arts juried art exhibition at the Mystic Arts Center. We love that our annual visit coincides with this exhibition every year -- there are always extraordinary pieces to see.

Just one of the pieces I wish I could've bought

When we finally tore ourselves away from Mystic, we went straight to Maugle Sierra Vineyard, our favorite from last year and still deserving of that spot for their delicious and reasonably priced wines. From there, stops for lunch and shopping and finally back to the in-laws.

Friday was a lazy day until we realized that a huge heat wave was coming in, so we rousted the kids out and climbed Talcott Mountain again. It's a great afternoon hike, and the weather was perfect.

Heublein Tower, looking gorgeous as usual

Friday afternoon I piled (nearly) all the girls into the rental car to go see a matinee of Eclipse... my excuse: it's a cultural thing. How can we criticize it if we haven't seen it? Besides, I enjoyed the humor they injected this time around, and the fight scenes were much better. Friday night everyone went to hear the concert and see the fireworks at Talcott Mountain. The kids loved it, it was the first real fireworks show they had ever seen in person.

Saturday, we moved into full swing for the big 50th Anniversary party. DH's brother and his family had arrived from OH while we were away, so the house was full and we had plenty of help, tucking away all of the travelers' things in various closets and backrooms, dusting, vacuuming, and all the usual flurry of activity that precedes a big event.

The party was wonderful, with a big white tent and tables set up in their gorgeous backyard. The weather was very hot but fortunately the humidity held off, and the party was in the evening so the temps were moderate by then. We all feasted on lobster catered by Clambake Connection and enjoyed seeing all the friends and family. I took very few photos and won't bother posting any that I did take -- just a few of the kids and their uncles playing double ladderball while waiting for the guests to arrive. DH had prepared a really touching speech and delivered it beautifully -- not many dry eyes in the crowd! His parents were really pleased.

After the party, all the girls descended on the kitchen while the guys broke down the tables and chairs outside. There were an extraordinary amount of lobsters left over, along with huge trays of steamers and mussels, corn on the cob, and watermelon. The shellfish was all shelled while the corn and watermelon were cut from their cobs/rinds for easier storage. Many hands made light work.

That was Sunday, and ever since we've been in a bit of a daze. The OH folks headed out Monday, and the rest of us lounged around and went for dinner at DH's brother's place. Today was another low-energy day, reinforced by the nearly 100-degree weather. It was simply too hot to do anything outside. This afternoon we caught a double feature at the Connecticut Science Center's 3D theater, Wild Ocean, which was only slightly preachy, and Dinosaurs Alive!, a really neat overview of current work in paleontology, with nifty CGI dinosaurs. We were surprised to see feathered velociraptors and coelophysus, along with nimble postosuchus, which Walking with Dinosaurs had depicted as clumsy and slow. It's really interesting how much the thinking has changed in just a decade.

Tomorrow: packing, and driving to the Cape, and cooler temperatures, but not so cool that we can't go to the beach!