Wednesday, March 09, 2005

you don't know how lucky you are, boy

I'm sipping a cup of Tazo Wild Sweet Orange (warning: pretentious, opaque web design) tea. It is not in the least sweet, being pucker-worthy tart in fact, but it is absolutely delicious.

I've got some nice jazz coming over the surround sound thanks to the DirecTV music choice station.

I had three Dove dark chocolate pieces a little while ago, and they were delicious. Larrian says Dove dark is good stuff: chocolate that's good for you! I love it.

Today, I did the usual drop-offs and pick-ups. I returned my 3rd attempt at a pair of dress formal pants for DS1's upcoming first Holy Communion; they fit him when he has the waistband where it should be, but he insists on wearing all his pants at the hip, and so, back they went. Personally, I'm in favor of teaching him to wear pants properly, but DH -- who does exactly the same thing -- says No, and volunteered to take the boy shopping for pants. Yay!

I folded and put away the last load of laundry (socks & underwear... the sorting never ends!) from Sunday. (ahem)

I made fresh bread for dinner, and had everything ready when it needed to be, so DH wouldn't be late for RCIA.

I had a catch with DS1. It has become close to impossible to mock him for throwing like a girl, and he is catching well now, too. When he's paying attention, he can throw some heat. I love the "thwack" sound a fast ball makes when it hits the pocket. I also really like my new glove, which has seen far too little action since I bought it last spring. The boy was surprised when I got out the gloves and practice balls but I knew DH wouldn't have time for it today, and it's so gorgeous out it's all I can do to come up with more excuses to be out of doors.

DS2 curled up next to me, stretched out on the couch, as we watched Kipper (Imagine That!) after dinner. I fell asleep for about 10 minutes. It was divine.

It wasn't just a good day, it was a great day. I know that.

But I started out the day inexplicably sad and am ending it disgruntled for no discernible reason. The eating has fallen off a bit (only 3 chockies as opposed to 25 chocolate chip cookies), but my throat hurts and I happened to run across a completely horrifying discussion about radical neck dissection. This isn't what I was reading, but it's a good enough description -- obviously what gets taken out depends on what the surgeons find when they get in there.

The combination of cyclical hormones and stark terror at the thought of needing that surgery is not a good one. Maybe I won't need that surgery but I managed to get that u/s report, which noted a mass "thought to represent lymphadenopathy" (that is, swollen lymph nodes), measuring approx 3 x 2 cm. Now, there are a lot of reasons that lymph nodes could be swollen, but given the history of the region and the number of nodes already removed that were found to be cancerous, it's highly likely that there's more cancer... maybe a lot more.

I wish I could un-read that report and not think about stuff like this but now I am noticing an obstruction every time I swallow, and the last time this happened it was the cancer. I know, I know, I've got scarring and healing going on in there, but this is near the top of my throat, not down near the thyroid bed.

I'm seeing the ENT Friday morning. Likely he will pat me on the head and say, "No reason to panic, now." (I should wait till later, then?) I have to stop making myself crazy with this. The idea is to get through one day at a time, one treatment at a time -- my next milestone is labs in 2 weeks to see how things are going. That seems impossibly far away, now, although it will be here before I can exhale, or at least it will seem that way once it is finally here.

I'm just wishing right now that I didn't have to deal with either hormonal cycles or cancer, so I could simply enjoy days like today.

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