I'm tired of cancer.
I have this idea that if I look to the future and make plans that's good. Then I have to implement the plans, and that means I need information. So I get the information, and it reminds me that my plans -- short, medium, and long term, are all subject to change... can't rely on being able to do anything.
It's not that I won't ever know (I hope), it's just that I won't know for a while. Maybe next week I'll know more. Maybe in May I'll know more; maybe then I'll see a six-month stretch with nothing to think about except a blood draw or two. Then again, maybe I'll be scheduling some horrific-sounding surgery.
What I have to do is accept that this is a part of my life and just integrate it -- blood draw for Tg next week? Yeah, that's no big deal (but the results?). LID and scans in a couple of months? Yep, that's not hard (but what about the results?). Another round of surgery, how about some more RAI? Gotta do what I gotta do...(AAAUUUGGGHHHHH!)
I'm still fighting that acceptance. It has been 5 months since my diagnosis and I'm still pushing it away, still hoping it will just...evaporate. I don't want it to be real. I don't want to have to live with this for the rest of my life. If I accept it, that will mean it's real. Of course my resistance doesn't make it any less real, but it does mean I'm constantly upset about it.
Intellectually I know that acceptance would help, but that doesn't matter. I can't make myself accept this situation. It will have to happen over time. It's going to take a long, long while to get used to this idea.