Friday, March 18, 2005

don't wanna go there

I'm tired of cancer.

I have this idea that if I look to the future and make plans that's good. Then I have to implement the plans, and that means I need information. So I get the information, and it reminds me that my plans -- short, medium, and long term, are all subject to change... can't rely on being able to do anything.

It's not that I won't ever know (I hope), it's just that I won't know for a while. Maybe next week I'll know more. Maybe in May I'll know more; maybe then I'll see a six-month stretch with nothing to think about except a blood draw or two. Then again, maybe I'll be scheduling some horrific-sounding surgery.

What I have to do is accept that this is a part of my life and just integrate it -- blood draw for Tg next week? Yeah, that's no big deal (but the results?). LID and scans in a couple of months? Yep, that's not hard (but what about the results?). Another round of surgery, how about some more RAI? Gotta do what I gotta do...(AAAUUUGGGHHHHH!)

I'm still fighting that acceptance. It has been 5 months since my diagnosis and I'm still pushing it away, still hoping it will just...evaporate. I don't want it to be real. I don't want to have to live with this for the rest of my life. If I accept it, that will mean it's real. Of course my resistance doesn't make it any less real, but it does mean I'm constantly upset about it.

Intellectually I know that acceptance would help, but that doesn't matter. I can't make myself accept this situation. It will have to happen over time. It's going to take a long, long while to get used to this idea.


Sheik Yerbootie said...

Snatch the pebble from my...

Ah forget it.

~~ snerk ~~

Acceptance is the biggest hurdle any of us who have debilitating diseases to jump.

However, as I've discussed with you off line, there are ways to obtain this elusive and calming effect - you just have to do it.

Trusting those who have been there is the first step. Do you think I would have gained all the wonderful things that have happened to me over the past 30 years if I didn't accept what happened and moved on?

You know what you need to do - just do it.

So - snatch the pebble from my hand Grasshopper.



ChaiTime said...


I have been through this ordeal with my breast cancer. Test after test and it does seem like you can't really plan for the future in some ways.

I'm going to get all mystical/philosophical here for a moment and say that, in reality, this is true for everyone on the most basic of levels. We THINK we know what the future is going to be like. We tend to ASSUME that everything will be as we want it to be in the future and we make plans based on that. We think we have CONTROL when we don't.

Your experience right now is changing all that. I remember when I had my first horrible biopsy for breast cancer. Right after that I was to go on a vacation for a week to the ocean. I stewed and stewed as I walked up and down the beach. Looking back it was the last vacation I ever had (before my father stroked) and we had the best weather ever, but I was consumed with thoughts of cancer.

Did I have cancer? YEP! I came back and had to schedule the first partial mastectomy. That was difficult enough, but then I STILL had cancer and I had to have another operation.

Each time I go in for a mammogram, there is this little voice in my head that says, "Maybe this time it won't be clear." and my stomach tightens. At any time it could come back. At any time it could have metastisized, but I try very hard to live my life as much as I can and only when the final diagnosis comes, let that be my reality.

You are going through SO much, but don't let the POSSIBLE take over your life if you can help it.

I say this with all the compassion in my heart, honey.