lost and not found

I'm still mentally exhausted from parent-teacher conferences last week, even though they all went well.  Still, it's very draining to have 26 extra meetings in one week, many of which went past their scheduled 15 minutes.  We had a lot to talk about!  I kept to the schedule when I had back-to-back meetings, but when the time allowed, I stretched it if the parents had more they wanted to talk about.

It feels like there was a lot of stretching, just as it feels as if half my class this year is on the Autism spectrum and/or has ADHD.  That's an exaggeration, though.  Surely it's no more than one third!

I have been cooking and running errands and even did some Christmas shopping, and it has been great to not think about school for a while.  Last night I ordered a replacement for the bismuth crystal that mysteriously walked out of my classroom last year.  That's two out of three items that went missing last year I've replaced now.  But ordering the bismuth reminded me that I'd lost the silver and amber letter opener my mother had given me, and that set me off down several internet rabbit holes.

I had this feeling that if I just kept looking, I'd find it, or one just like it, the way I was able to replace the Bill Campbell pottery platter I broke so many years ago.  This is different, though: it was vintage if not antique (it may have been antique), definitely silver if not sterling (and I think it was sterling from the amount of black tarnish it accumulated), and it had a beautiful amber cabochon set into the handle with silver leaves worked around it in art nouveau style. It was a very beautiful piece which I am ashamed now to say that I took for granted.  I had it on my desk for years among the pens and pencils in one of the mugs I keep for that purpose.  The thing is, in spite of its obvious beauty and value, I used it.  It was great staple remover and a fair screwdriver, and it lived happily anonymous among the pens and pencils.  No one knew it was there, so no one was tempted to take it. I'm pretty sure I "lost" it by leaving it out after using it to take staples out of a bulletin board.  (My classroom is often used by other groups of people in the evenings, a fact I was not sufficiently attuned to last year.)

For whatever reason, I was seized with the idea last night that it was important to replace this piece.  My mother gave it to me, and the Polish amber was a concrete reminder of her.  I haven't thought about it much in the year or so it has been missing, but last night it blossomed into importance again, so I looked online to see what I could fine.  I haven't seen anything even close to it in my Internet searches, and the one that came closest cost several hundred British pounds(!!!).

Clearly that's not going to happen.  I dreamed it was in my desk's center drawer, having somehow got wedged under the tray near the front.  I will, of course, look there when I get back to work on Tuesday, but there is zero chance that it's there.  My desk was completely emptied last May so it could be moved out with everything else in the classroom.  If it weren't for that very thorough process, I'd be able to hold out some slim hope that it's still there somewhere, but we took literally every single thing out of that room, and there was no sign of it. 

I'm surprised by this turn of events, really.  It's just a thing, after all.  Yes, it was beautiful and my mother gave it to me and now she's gone, but it's still just a thing.  Replacing it isn't going to help anyone (not even me, really, since a different one wouldn't have belonged to my mother) but part of me wants to at least try because it was my carelessness that led to its loss.  Nevermind the question of why it would be my fault that someone else stole it. It just is, and I'm sorry.

just like that

One weekend with all my kids home, and I'm feeling so much better.

My baby girl is 20 years old! I can't fathom it.

In honor of the occasion, and because one of her favorite bands was playing some local dive last Thursday night, she came down for the weekend.  Saturday her friends came for brunch and we had a great time.  Saturday afternoon was taken up with making her birthday blueberry pie, and Saturday evening with her delightful birthday dinner (our favorite salmon and rice pilaf, simple favorites she never has at school.)

It wasn't anything all that special, except that everyone was here, and happy.  So, not exactly special, but delightful, and my spirits are sufficiently lifted as we sail towards the holiday season.

what, again?

I remind myself, it's a symptom.  It's 3:05AM and I'm still up, reading the internet. I'm looking for the answer to a question that I can't even articulate to myself, so I'll never find it.

Since it was Halloween, I watched The Frighteners for the thousandth time, but it made me inexplicably sad this time.  So by way of an antidote, I watched the first 2 episodes of the new season of Dr. Who, with Jody Whittaker as the new lady doctor.  She's quite good, and I enjoyed the episodes, but they were also tinged with unexpected sadness.  (I should've expected it, but I didn't.)

Now we're well into November and the rest of this week is going to be very very busy, with all the kids home, DS2's concert on Saturday, DD's birthday on Sunday!

And it's end-of-term, so I have to be on top of my grades. I'm caught up for now, but I'm giving 7th grade an assessment tomorrow that will go into the gradebook before grades close Friday morning -- in other words, I have to be efficient. 

I just have a sense that's something wrong and I don't know what it is.  I spent some time re-reading here (11 years of Novembers!) to see if whatever this is might be a seasonal thing, but that doesn't seems to be the case. Objectively, the only thing that I can think of that's wrong right now is the fact that I'm not sleeping, plus my stomach has been off since last night and isn't feeling too great right now.  The second could be the true source of my problem, I suppose.

Ick.   I'm going to bed.

diversions of varying success

We're hurtling toward the end of the trimester at school, and that usually means digging myself out of some huge stack of grading.

I do have one - ok, two - things to grade this weekend, but neither is that big a deal.  I've done well keeping my resolution to stay on top of the grading this term, and it is paying off in unexpected ways: I actually read a book last week, and I watched the entirety of season 3 of Dare Devil. (I don't think that's how you spell it.  It doesn't look right. Don't care.)

The book: Terry Pratchett's Snuff, one of only a few of his I'd not read before.  In a way, it makes me sad, because there won't be any more, but I thoroughly enjoyed it, and somewhere in the back of my mind, a plan is percolating to start at the beginning and read them through again. Ah, Discworld, how I love you.  Especially Sam Vimes.

Dare Devil, however you spell it, was (upon reflection) the best of the three seasons so far.  It focused on the main characters almost exclusively, and the new main character (FBI Agent Nadeem) was excellent, and the new villian character (also, not coincidentally, an FBI Agent) was also very good. I could watch it all again and enjoy it.

It's nice, this having time for leisure pursuits.  I also thoroughly enjoyed and highly recommend Maniac, the Jonah Hill-Emma Stone Netflix series.  It was superb in a way that's difficult to describe.  Some parts were very funny, some parts were touching, some parts were harder to take, but all of it cohered into something really terrific. Part of me thinks the entire series is worth the single line of dialog, "I heard you took the fall for the lemur caper." On reflection, I believe that's correct.  Not all love is Eros, and it's good to see there are people out there who recognize that.

Some days, I have a sense that I literally have no idea what I'm doing: that shadow of Everything is just too hard, give up give up give up is continuously lurking.  But most days, I don't notice it. Much. I like the people I work with, and I love my family.  My cats are mostly sweet and only occasionally really annoying. The Great Ant Infestation of 2018 made another incursion last week, and honestly I'm too worn out by that entire (apparently never-ending) situation to even go look and see if they're gone yet. The holidays will soon be upon us, and everyone will be home again, and maybe then the shadow will recede completely for a while? Doubtful, but it's nice to contemplate.

I never did get that sleep I needed. (Ha!) And I've been battling a cold -- more or less successfully -- for about a week now.  Perhaps that is the source of my sense of impending doom. That, or the fact that we won't have a math teacher come January.  We'll manage somehow.  We always do.

break

Such as it is: an in-service day followed by a 3-day weekend. 

Things are going... well. I'm being very disciplined about keeping on my grading, and it's making everything else easier.  For example, this weekend the only grading I have to do are the drafts of my students' research papers. 

Which is not to say that things are perfect.  Issues pop up and are resolved, and we go on.  I like the absence of drama. 

I do, however, need sleep and plan to get it!

after-school snack

It's totally OK that my after-school snack is a glass of rose and a handful (or two) of wasabi almonds, because 1) I'm an adult and 2) I didn't get home from school today until well after 5PM. 

I'd recommend it for everyone, but the stipulations above won't be true for many, more's the pity.

interlude

Trying to find a title for this post, I'm searching my brain for a word that means a short time spent doing something unusual or different..., ah there it is: interlude.

The "something different" was attending a continuing education event for medical providers who treat thyroid cancer patients.  There is a new endocrine surgeon here in the valley, and she is very enthusiastic about improving both provider education and patient care.  She organized the event through one of the local hospitals, and asked me if I would attend this evening to improve awareness of ThyCa, the patient advocacy organization I have been associated with for over a decade now.

It was a little weird being there, since I'm not a doctor or a genetic counselor or any of the other professional types who there.  But several people stopped by and asked about ThyCa and took some of my materials, and the surgeon's office manager took everything that was left!  We are going to get together (or at least talk) later in the fall about reviving the in-person support group.  At this point, I'm willing to give it a try, and I can afford to give up a few hours every other month or two.

Like this evening: before I went to the conference, I was all caught up with everything: grading, entering grades, planning. But my students submitted their first-pass experimental designs today, and I needed to give them feedback immediately.  So I took a nap for about an hour when I got home, and here I am, having finished the feedback and grading but very much awake.

School is going well for me this year.  I'm making a serious effort to keep up instead of wandering around campus and chatting people up, as I have done in the past, and it's making a big difference.  I'm also making a conscious effort to watch the time when I'm at home in the evenings so I don't start on dinner too late.  Some evenings I still miscalculate how long the cooking will take and we eat at 8PM, but that's better than miscalculating and eating closer to 9! So those two relatively small efforts are making life better.

I am struggling, though, simply because it's September and this month is full of sad and difficult memories of my mother's end of life. Most days I want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head, but I'm working the "fake it till you make it" routine with moderate success.  I've been here before, I just have to wait it out. I even have times, like today, where I briefly enjoy something: it rained, and the air smelled wonderful.  Eventually it takes longer and longer for my own personal cloud to descend, until it just recedes completely. I have faith I'll get there some day, I'm just not sure when.

new new new

School's back in and has been since the 8th.  The entire campus was extensively renovated over the summer, so we had to clear everything out of our classrooms before we left.  That meant, of course, we had to move everything back in before school could begin.

It was a little crazy there, since we got our keys (and access to campus) on Friday afternoon the 3rd, and "meet the teacher" was Monday evening.  Junior high orientation was Tuesday night, and then classes began on Wednesday.  It was an exhausting slog there, but we've settled into a routine now.

I'm enjoying that I just have to revise what I did last year, and not create everything from scratch.  I'm somehow managing to integrate the new technology (new projector, Chromebooks, Google classrooms) and help out our new teachers without losing my mind, but it's early going yet.

My new 7th graders seem so very young this year!  I'm sure it happens this way every year, but this year I'm not as distracted by everything else going on so I'm just noticing more.  

On the personal side, my doctor declared my toe officially and completely healed, even though it feels a little "crunchy" from time to time.  She said that was normal.  I have been enjoying wearing my normal footwear for the past few weeks.  My hip varies from absolutely killing me to not bothering me at all, with more of the latter since I'm back to doing stretches and squats twice a day when I can manage it, but every morning without fail.

DS1 is back at ASU for his senior year, and we drove up to Flagstaff on Friday evening to take DD up for her sophomore year.  She is very excited to be in an apartment with one of her best friends.  I was less excited by the fact that it's a third floor walk-up.  She was scheduled to move in Saturday at noon, but we were able to move her in on Friday evening when we got there.  That was excellent because after about an hour of gorgeous sunshine, it absolutely poured rain the next day.  We got soaked bringing in her haul from Target.  

Now home again (and nursing a hip still objecting to so much time sitting in the car), and it's quiet with just DS2 here, our new "normal" for the school year.  I have an engineering design challenge to grade and probably six other things to do, but it will all get done eventually.  Overall, the year is off to a good start.  There are a few stressors at school regarding new teachers, but I'm doing my best to minimize my exposure there since they don't really have anything to do with me!

coasting

I counted this morning.  I have eleven days of summer vacation left, give or take.  The schedule's not set in stone.

I'm still nursing the broken toe, although I go long periods of time without thinking about it.  But then this morning, I woke up early because it was killing me.  I periodically have this issue where the splint-wrap just feels way too tight, even though it was fine moments ago... and eventually it settles down and stops bothering me.  Weird.

Vacation was overall lovely, but ten days was too long to be away.  We broke up the trip with a quick jaunt to Massachusetts to see family, and on our return to Connecticut, most of us were just ... done.  DH and I went with DS1 to see the Greater Hartford Shakespeare Co's Pericles, Prince of Tyre, which was rather silly but well-produced, but other than that, we just hung around for the most part.  We did some antiquing and I found a nice sort-of icon of Mary:

At least I think it's Mary.  It's an unusual presentation, but from what I could find out in researching the symbolism of the blue, star-strewn robe, gold gown, and open book, it's probably Mary.

Our travels home were uneventful (other than our first flight's 40-minute delay, which made making the connection in DFW interesting), and now I'm back to keeping the foot elevated while I read nearly all day.

I'm getting antsy about back-to-school preparations, but there's really not much I can do.   I started the online Google for Educators training, but I don't want to commit any more time to that until I get word that we are actually using it this year -- then I may go so far as to get the certification.  And I'd love to get started on my seating charts, name cards, and all that jazz, but I don't have rosters yet.  Since I literally can't do anything until we get our classroom keys back and hear from admin about everything else, I'm doing my best to just relax and enjoy these last lazy-ish days. 

Now if I could get DS2's room painted...

travelling with boot

It's OK.

Before the trip, I mostly hung out at home and barely wore the boot at all.  What I'm finding now is that it's really exhausting to wear the thing for more than a few hours, but overall, it's OK. I think if I had to do a lot of walking, I'd get blisters, because no matter how tightly I wrap the velcro straps, my foot slips around a bit when I'm walking.  Fortunately I don't have to do a lot of walking!

I'm so grateful!  The flights were uneventful, but stumping through the airports wasn't much fun -- still, the toe itself doesn't hurt, and having the boot on ensures that nothing's going to make it worse. We got to CT, and headed to Mystic the next day, and even though there were some thunder showers, we managed.

I would prefer, of course, to wear normal sandals and not have to even think about it, but the reality is, it's OK.  One upside: extra suitcase room, since I didn't have to pack all the shoes I usually bring!

incarcerated

Yes, that's exactly how it feels.  Of course I'm not locked up anywhere, I could go out every day if I wanted to, but I don't.  It only helps a little that I'm the one who imposed the house arrest.

To recap: a little more than 3 weeks ago I broke my right big toe (in 2 places!) in an unfortunate furniture moving accident. Luckily, I'm off for the summer, so I can sit around all day with my foot up, periodically icing it and praying for it to heal quickly.  (I have a long and distinguished record of healing very slowly. )

So, home, and cabin fever is setting in. I went out three times this past week. Last Sunday being out for a while became very painful, but by the end of the week, I could tolerate standing for much longer periods of time.  The toe doesn't look very swollen when it's elevated, but when I stand on it for any length of time, it swells up again. This is a bummer because the chief indicator of healing is that the swelling has gone down.  I have been so good about staying off of it and keeping it elevated. Why isn't it better? Ah, yes, that long and distinguished history of mine -- plus the reality that broken toes take 6-8 weeks to heal, and it has only been three.

We're heading to the east coast soon, and I am dreading the travel.  Practically everything we do back east involves walking around. I'm trying to imagine walking on sand (as in, going to the beach) and all I can think is, Ow nope nope nope not gonna happen, and that thought makes me sad.

I'm trying somewhat successfully not to ruminate on how bad it's going to be and what I won't be able to do, and thus avoid being simultaneously full of both self-pity and self-loathing.  I am achieving this partial success by distracting myself with reading and watching things (indie movie The Endless was cool, just started The Hollow Crown series of Shakespeare's political plays).  The reading, of course, leads me to still be up at 4:30AM because I no longer have any kind of a regular sleep schedule, and I'm going a bit crazy being stuck here as I am.

Would I be doing different things if I hadn't broken the toe? There are a few things, yes, but the reality is, probably not much different.  Most of the time I don't even have a car at my disposal, since we have three cars and three working people in the house now.  If my toe weren't broken I would be chauffeuring someone back and forth to work, so I could have a car.  As it is, I'm spared the hassle, and dealing with the heat, which has cranked up to its usual AZ horrors.  I'm certainly spending less money than I would be if I were out and about as I usually would be, so there's another upside.

Seeing the doctor Monday morning, we'll see what she says.  Sleep is hard to come by in my current state, but I'll give it a try.

what to do when you can't do anything

* Sit on the couch with foot elevated.  Ice different parts of the foot/leg many times a day.  (Did you know you're not supposed to ice the injured area directly?  I was told to ice the top of the foot, and behind my knee, for the standard 20 minutes per hour, no ice directly touching the skin.)

* Watch all of The Crown.  (loved it).  Read all of Tom and Lorenzo's coverage of The Crown. 

* Watch all of Downton Abbey (loved it, but not as much as The Crown -- too many anachronistically happy endings for the 'liberated' female characters.) Read all of Tom and Lorenzo's coverage of Downton Abbey.

* Read the first four of Brandon Sanderson's six Mistborn books.  (So much fun!)

* Fail to keep hips aligned despite best efforts.  Deal with resulting piriformis syndrome as effectively as possible while not being able to stand for any length of time.

* Deal with at least 90 minutes of not-sleeping every night because of the impossibility of finding a comfortable way to lie down with the foot still elevated.  Grind teeth over the tinnitus that attacks during this, and only this, time: it is impossible to fall asleep when you're listening to your own pulse shush-shush-shushing.  It's just loud.

* Sleep ridiculously late because hey, there's no reason I should get up. Feel exhausted all the time, because doing nothing is exhausting.

* Watch all 6 episodes of Netflix documentary Wild Wild Country because DS1 had just started it when I finally wandered downstairs on his day off.  (Highly recommended; a totally bizarre little chapter in recent American history, and it left me uncomfortable that some First Amendment rights [among others] were trampled. It wasn't that black-and-white, although the successful poisoning of a small town's population prior to important vote was way beyond the pale.)

* Think about taking up knitting again.  Look at approximately 1000 knitting patterns without coming to any kind of decision one way or another.  I think I have some yarn somewhere I should use up...

* Recreational online shopping at all the usual haunts, since literally everyone is having huge summer sales.  Seriously, they're giving stuff away -- if you can't get a least 50% off, you're not even trying.  Look at approximately 2000 pieces of clothing, most hideous, all of it overpriced.   Don't buy anything.

* Eventually supervise offspring in restoring order to the house, laying out the new rugs and replacing furniture, etc. It looks lovely!

* Diet: intermittent fasting + very few carbs + limited alcohol = -12 lbs over the last few months.  Last school year I managed not to gain, unlike the previous four years.  There's something to be said about working for a place where you actually fit in, and where the workload is reasonable.  Truth be told, there's some crazy part of me that would like to take off another 10 pounds, but I'll be happy if I can just stay where I am now.  It's easy not to eat when all you do is sit around.  I don't get hungry, and I've been great with drinking all that water we're all supposed to drink.  I have, once again (or is it still?), the sense of recovering from a long illness. Perhaps this is why I'm not inclined to buy any new clothes, since all the old ones fit better now.

* Reframe:  This isn't wasted time just because I'm not using it the way I originally thought I would.

ow

Morning: I may have broken my right big toe.  It's possible it's just badly bruised, but I won't find out until later when I go to the doctor to get it checked out.

Foot injuries are the worst.

Night: Yeah, its' broken.

 What happened? Basically, late hour + a few glasses of wine + bare feet + moving furniture = bad idea.  But I bet you knew that already.

We're updating the flooring in the remaining downstairs room to match what we put everywhere else last summer, and the guys came to start the installation came today -- so that meant moving all the stuff out of those spaces: guest room, closet, family room.  There's stuff stacked everywhere, and I'd moved just about everything except the last few big pieces from the family room because DD and I wanted to finish watching the Pride and Prejudice mini-series after dinner. 

No big deal, just should've left the wine in the kitchen... anyway, DD and I were moving one of the desks and our communication wasn't the best, she was pushing and I was pulling... it had kind of sunk into the area rug and didn't want to move, until it did, right into my right big toe.  It hurt quite a bit, but I limped around on it and helped finish up with the room. 

So then the pain wakes me up at 5:30, and it's this lovely purple color.   I call the BCBS nurse on call for an opinion, and she says, you don't need the ER, but do see your doctor.  So I got an appointment with my doctor after lunch, and he sends me for an x-ray, "stat" reading ordered.  That was actually pretty cool, because about 20 minutes after I got home they called me to tell me, yes, it's broken, and please stay off it ("Do you have crutches?") and refer me to a podiatrist.

So then the afternoon was calling around to those doctors to see if anyone could work me in, but of course not, because it's FRIDAY and they all close early.  Specialists! I decided not to go to urgent care mostly because I'm too cheap (the copay is like $250!) and I'll get in to see a doctor on Monday.

I'm not dying, but it isn't any fun, that's for sure.  The real bummer is that I was planning on going to Boston tomorrow to hang out with my sisters and my Massachusetts friends whom I have not seen in like 3 years... canceled.  The thought of being in an airport with this injury is frankly terrifying.  I picked DS1 up at work this evening and just driving there and back -- about 30 minutes total -- wiped me out.  Then again, having been up since 5:30AM probably contributed to the exhaustion.  Driving is... interesting. Possible, and not painful if I pay attention, but I'm also kind of scared of moving my foot the wrong way.  So, kind of like torture.

Other bummer things: I'll be fairly useless in putting the house back together when the floors are done (with any luck they will finish tomorrow).   Grocery shopping? Hmmm not the best idea.   I don't know how long it will take to feel better, but it will probably be at least a few weeks... and I'm hoping I'll be better by the time we head to Connecticut, because it would be a bummer if I can't hike while we are there.  We also wanted to take at least one day trip to Mt. Lemmon this summer, but that's going to have to wait, as well.  I'm hoping I can still tackle my next summer project without too much bother: painting DS2's room. 

I'm not on crutches and won't be if I have anything to say about it.  The vast majority of the foot is fine, so I can walk without hurting the toe.  I just have to be careful about it, so I'm slow, but that's not so bad.  And I need to mostly keep it up, and not stand around or walk too much, but so far that's do-able.   I usually heal really slowly, but thankfully it's summer so I can take it easy, and perhaps that will help with a speedy recovery.

Foot injuries really are the worst.

truly summer

Started Thursday.  No grad school classes, no job search, just... time off.

So of course I'm bouncing around at loose ends, more or less, getting things done that I've been putting off, and enjoying sleeping a little bit later.  Somehow I'm still awake by 7:30 most mornings!  I know that's not early for a lot of people, but when you literally have no reason to get out of bed, it seems kind of silly.

So my job for the summer is feeding my family, and arranging (if not providing) transportation for all the offspring.  DS2 has a senior thesis summer camp the next two weeks, and DS1 is starting his first-ever job.  DD?  She has a job for the summer at one of the big box home improvement stores and is loving every minute.  She likes having something to do, and the income. 

Last week, I fixed the laser printer that we haven't been able to use for months and... not much else.   Well, I had work on Tuesday (I gave a presentation on the new science standards to my colleagues), and Wednesday (fantastic session on Theology of the Body).  So I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself for not accomplishing much. 

But I am dedicated to having very good food at home this summer, because eating out has become so very expensive, and, well, we can almost always do just as well if not better at home.  OK, not for sushi... DD and I went to the farmer's market today and came home with an intoxicating collection of fresh produce for this week's menu. 

I have medical appointments on Monday, but then after that, I'll get started on painting DS2's room (at least the taping).  Plus, scheduling the final flooring installation... those are the 2 big projects for the summer, but who knows what mischief I could get into, if I find myself at loose ends?

I read a book.

Well, a PDF of a book. It's not that shocking, really.  I did the same thing a few weeks ago, reading 1984 over a day and a half, because DS2 had recently read it and may be using it in his senior thesis.  That book is even more grim than I remembered, and not exactly a fun read.

Yesterday, I read Treasure Island, somewhat unbelievably, given my wide reading habits, for the first time.  This was occasioned by our 8th grade being on a multi-day trip to Washington D.C., their teachers being gone with them -- and me teaching language arts to the 7th graders while they're gone.  They're just finishing up TI, so I thought I should read it so I could, you know, actually answer some of their questions.

Anyway: I loved it, as unlikely as it was.  It's the kind of story you just go with, because it all happens at such a breathless pace in gorgeous old-fashioned prose.   Perhaps the thing I loved the best is the clear lineage from TI to Pirates of the Caribbean.  I maintain that the PotC The Curse of the Black Pearl is one of the most perfect adventure movies ever made, and I still enjoy it when I catch it from time to time.

By way of giving the substitute language arts teacher a break, the students have been watching the old Disney movie version of TI and I am 100% sure that Geoffrey Rush, who played Capt. Barbossa in PotC, based his performance on Robert Newton's Long John Silver.  His voice is uncannily similar.  Of course, the whole Capt. Sparrow as "pirate, and a good man" conundrum has its origin in the character of Long John Silver, who is clearly a pirate, but also, when possible, and sometimes even when it's not very convenient -- a good man.

I only saw half the movie, since I'm switching off classes with the other 7th grade homeroom teacher, and so today taught social studies (the Kansas-Nebraska Act!).  I may just borrow the DVD later this week to watch the rest of movie, just to see how they treated the material.  Huge chunks of dialog come straight from the book, the film's Jim Hawkins (Bobby Driscoll) looks entirely too young and soft to pull off even half of Jim's exploits from the novel.  Skimming the plot summary just now, though -- I don't think I'll bother.  Silver making off with the treasure in a skiff?  Bah.

there, and back!

I'm exhausted and sun burnt, but very happy with how things went.

Mt. Lemmon is absolutely gorgeous! In my jeans and hiking boots, with my layered shirts and sweatshirt, traipsing about in Nature at 9000 feet elevation, I was in my happy place. I almost feel as if I've missed my calling...

Not my photo -- I didn't have time to take any of decent quality -- this is just part of the mountain road, near Hoodoo Vista [elevation ~6600 feet], an absolute stunning array of geology in action.  The woods were just as spectacular. (Also not my photo, but we did walk through forest like this at Middle Bear, elevation ~5000(?) feet, and again at the summit, ~9000 feet.)

The students were great, the chaperones super helpful, the staff wonderfully knowledgeable, kind, and enthusiastic.  The bus driver was heroic (would you want to drive a tour bus up there?!).  The only slight disappointment were the cloud cover and extreme winds last night, but we still got a telescope demonstration which was very cool. 

Perhaps the only significant downside to all this is that I didn't sleep well at all, and am thoroughly exhausted now even more than usual.  Post-hike exhaustion is very  similar to the excellently-tired feeling I get after being at the beach all day, maybe that's just the sun burn.  The only real down side now is that I don't want to go back to work tomorrow!

field trip eve...

I woke up at 4:30 this morning, my brain already going 100 miles an hour.  Lots of little things to do to pull this whole thing off. 

40 students, 15 chaperones, 7 inquiry groups, 16 dorm rooms...

I think we're all set, although I do have paperwork still pending for one student that was a late addition (today!).  Amazingly enough, by the end of Wednesday, everyone had paid, and by Friday morning, I had all the paperwork, too.  There was quite a bit of that.

Yesterday was preparing the material the 8th grade needs for Monday and Tuesday.  Today was administering the pre-program survey (put it online, then emailed it to the students), finding and typing up prayers for the trip, sending reminder emails to the chaperones -- only half of them read it -- and then everyone else who is coming, and about then is when I got the "Hey, can we make this work?" message.  So we did, which of course made extra work.

Then to school, to print everything that needed printing, then shopping for water and snacks with a colleague.  Then driving around looking for name tags and a new expandable file, and ended up getting both at Staples.  Then home to wrestle Word into mail-merging the name tags so they'd have the student's group numbers and dorm rooms on them: best way to avoid having to repeat the information ad infinitum (I hope).

Anyway: still have to do my own paperwork (oops), pack, make a lunch for tomorrow, obsess over every detail yet again, and hopefully get some sleep before this thing kicks off. 

No chance of rain in the forecast, but it's supposed to be cloudy.  It would be disappointing to be at an observatory without getting a chance to use the big telescopes! I'm not giving up hope, though.  We'll see!
St. Albert the Great - St. Francis of Assisi - St. Bernard - St. Dominic pray for me!
(patrons saints of science, environmentalists, mountain climbers, astronomers)

Holy Week

Last Friday, the last Friday of Lent, was my first science symposium (our version of a science fair) at my new school.  It was remarkable for many reasons, but mainly for the fact that the students actually enjoyed doing it.  We had some technology issues, sure, but overall, the process worked well.  Since we had the time, all the students presented to the class, and then to the younger students during the day.  In the evening, their parents came.  I had to send them all home at 8 o'clock, but I was home by 8:15.  I think I put away a single folding chair -- parents and students put all the tables away in no time flat.  It seemed a little unreal at the time, because it was a very long day, starting with getting everything set up in the early hours before our regular Friday morning mass, through school hours and then a staff meeting and then grading all the display boards before the parents came in the evening.  Somehow it all worked. 

But now that it's over, I have to switch gears quickly to planning my 7th grade field trip.  We had scheduled a parent meeting for Monday, so another thing I had to do last week was nail down our transportation so we could figure out how much money we needed to collect from the students to cover costs.  I sent all the information over last week, and still hadn't heard back on Monday, so I sent a "hey, we need a quote!" email, and got back, "Oh, we decided not to do it" -- about 3 hours before the meeting!  Scrambling ensued, the other bus company we work with was contacted, and they were great, and we had a very reasonable quote within an hour.  *whew*

That left me enough time to go home, put together some dinner for the boys, and then sit down and put together a power point for the parent meeting.  Back at school, I notice my computer is off (weird!) and turn it on again, when suddenly the lights go out, and the emergency lights come up, and that's how we ran the meeting.  I mean, it was funny, because mine was the only building with no power, but the parents were all in there, and no one wanted to move.  It was probably a net benefit, because we moved things along pretty quickly -- we had 3 different topics to cover and we still wrapped up in just over an hour.  The parents seem happy about the field trip (UA SkySchool) and I have a lot of parent chaperones already signed up.  So, even though we were literally in the dark, the meeting went well.

Tuesday morning: still no power!  I brought my morning classes to the computer lab so they could see the presentation and videos I had planned for them, and by lunch time the power was back on.  The rest of the day went OK until I started cleaning out the refrigerator while I was prepping dinner, when I clogged the garbage disposal.  I've done this a few times in the past and I do know how to run a disposal.  It cleared a couple of hours later, and fortunately we have a double sink, but it was just gross for the entire time I was prepping dinner. 

Wednesday, my long day: no problems, really, until the end of the day, when I found out that a weird thing that happened in the morning was more concerning than I thought. I had stepped out for a few seconds to grab something off the printer next door, and came back to find one of my students standing at the front of the classroom.  I got a laugh in response to my "What are you doing out of your seat?" question, but I shrugged it off since we were heading down to the science lab to see how far we could drop our shell-less eggs before they'd break (not that far, of course!).  It turns out that the student had done a cartwheel - and whacked her leg on a desk or chair on her way back down.  Another teacher noticed the bruise and asked about it, and found out how she got it.   My heart just dropped when I heard what had happened.  I feel very lucky that the student wasn't seriously hurt!  I ended up pulling her out of class and then calling her mother to let her know what happened.  Fortunately her mother was very supportive, and she apologized to me about it very thoroughly, but still, it was very upsetting. 

Home, finally: a huge pile of grading to do, but I'm exhausted.  DS2's piano is going... better (I don't believe I've mentioned here that his original piano teacher fired him, seemingly out of nowhere but actually quite justified, last month) but his lessons with the new teacher are back to a later hour, and we don't get home until 8:30 the earliest. 

So I'm exhausted and writing this instead of grading.  Last week was intense with all the student presentations and the symposium, but I didn't feel stressed.  This week I feel I've lurched from one crisis to another, but nothing's actually been that upsetting.  I thought, this afternoon, I would be totally justified in feeling overwhelmed and crying over all the stuff that's happened this week, except I don't feel overwhelmed.  Maybe I finally am growing up, or maybe all my extra prayers are reprogramming my brain towards peace, because all these problems pop up but then they get resolved, and no one needs to freak out about anything.  There's a lot to be said for learning how to be flexible, and I'm getting a lot of practice at it this year.

Tomorrow we have a half-day, and then, finally, blessedly, no school on Good Friday, and all of next week off for our very delayed spring break!  (Between now and Sunday: house cleaning, picking up the two college students, shopping for Easter dinner, baking [something - lemon squares?], brining the turkey, etc etc)

After break? Only 6 more weeks of school!  It's going to fly. 

seems like old times...

I sent an email to the ACS about all those strange typos in the Middle School Chemistry curriculum, and it turns out that it's pdf-viewer specific.  After a brief email exchange, I decided to try it in the different PDF viewers I had available, and what do I find?  The PDFs look perfect in Google Chrome and Adobe Acrobat, but are full of errors in Microsoft Edge.

Par for the course, unfortunately.  Microsoft apps are such appalling bloat-ware at this point, and their online versions are so ham-strung you can't even make a table of contents!  I don't even want to talk about the fun I had setting up OneNote Class Notebooks for my students over the weekend...

Anyway, it was fun trying to identify exactly where the problem was, and even better being able to pinpoint something.  And the ACS guys were great to work with, too.

here's how long weekends go

Friday, I left school at a decent hour for once.  There was no staff meeting, and I pushed myself to leave because I had to drive up to Tempe to pick up DS1.  Dinner with all my boys was nice, a lovely salmon with tomato and basil off my very own little basil plant (I haven't killed it yet!).  Since it's Lent, DH and I don't do date night on Friday.  After dinner, in  front of the tv... lesson planning, specifically finding videos to support my lessons.  The vastness of the internet becomes apparent during such searches.

Saturday: up early to do errands and pick up our family portrait, finally.  There was some delay getting the frame, but it's gorgeous.  Of course it's not on the wall yet.  We'll see how long that takes! Then... more lesson planning and prep.  They are not the same thing.  It's great finding things for my students to do, but nothing is ever exactly the way I want it to be, so I end up substantially editing or completely retyping things.  The ACS's Middle School Chemistry curriculum is awesome but so full of typos I would never give it to a student.  The errors are all the same, dropped letters.  It's odd, but I can't give 8th graders work that asks them to use fat toothpicks instead of flat ones.  You see the problem. [UPDATE: The dropped-letter problem only occurs in Microsoft Edge; the pdf documents are perfect in Chrome or Acrobat.  Weird but true, and they're looking into it.]  I've already typed up 2, 10-page lab packets and have one to go.  The students love them, and most importantly, are learning with them, but it's really quite time consuming.

Saturday afternoon: vigil Mass, where I am in the regular corps of Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist now.  I'm over my nerves, finally, but I do get twinges every so often of wanting to take a Mass off.  It's a different experience when you're working.  There is no time for contemplation.

Saturday evening: a quick dinner out with DH and DS1, as DS2's friends were coming over to celebrate his birthday and they were eating pizza (of course).  After dinner:  five more hours of lesson prep: typing up the second of those 10-page lab packets, and ordering needed supplies for it, among other things. It's like I sit down, and then I look up and it's 12:30 AM and no wonder my eyes feel like sandpaper.

Sunday:  DS2 impressed me greatly by making his friends French toast (his special recipe with pumpkin pie spice and vanilla extract) and bacon for breakfast.  I juiced the last of the oranges and everyone was happy.   Then I puttered around and cleaned up the kitchen, then made breakfast for DH and I. Since then, it's been puttering either around the house or online.  I haven't done a single productive thing today for school!  I have been doing a lot of recreational online shopping, though, since at this time of year, most everyone steeply discounts their already marked-down merchandise.  "An extra 60% off sale prices" is very tempting, but I mostly limited myself to things I needed.  It's true I don't need those earrings I paid $6 for, and the kimono-style blouse was  real splurge at $18, but still, $11 for a really nice sweater feels like an accomplishment.

The plan is to do some grading after dinner.  Tomorrow I'm having an eye exam early, so I won't be able to do any reading or anything until the dilating solution wears off.  By the end of the day I'll be feeling that beginning-of-the-work-week pressure, and getting annoyed with myself that  I didn't buckle down and work Sunday so that Monday could just be a nice day.

I'm feeling defensive over my day off, and then feeling silly for feeling that way.  No one else is saying I should've worked today.  This is the kind of nonsense that goes on in my head on a regular basis.

It's been a nice day.

a moment

About 4:30 this afternoon, I was setting up the science lab for tomorrow's adventure in chemistry, because we have Mass in the morning and therefore I don't have the prep hour I do all the other days.

We've been in the lab every day this week, using a modified version of this awesome Middle School Chemistry curriculum from the American Chemical Society.  This is the most hands-on chemistry I've ever been able to teach.  I have the space, I have the resources, I have the time, and I have the complete support of my administration.

So yeah, I was on campus pretty late, but it was with a smile on my face. 

I love my job.

recovering

My winter break didn't start until mid-day on December 21, but it wonderfully continues through this whole week.  I've spent the better part of this 2-plus weeks feeling like I'm finally getting over a long, stubborn illness.  Part of that is because I did finally kick the cold symptoms that had been hanging on since Thanksgiving.  An even bigger part, though, is feeling as if the veil of depression that settled over me at the end of May has begun to lift.

I've been struggling this year, much more than I should be.  I'm not in grad school anymore.  I'm only teaching three subjects.  I have right around 100 students.  I've got way better technology to help manage student science project work.  But I still have felt nearly continuous anxiety, and often struggled to get lessons planned and materials prepped without feeling like I was doing everything at the last minute.

I struggled to make sense of it, because I objectively had much less work than I've had for the past 4 years.  I don't have to upload ridiculously detailed lesson plans, two weeks in advance, by 8AM every Monday, for example.  Nor am I leading and documenting weekly PLC meetings.  Nor am I participating in three child study teams... but still.  I am doing many lessons "from scratch", even though the curriculum is by the same publisher as at my last school, and so big chunks are substantially the same... but the standards are not, which makes me a first-year teacher again, in some respects.  Integrating engineering, modeling, scientific argumentation... awesome, but time consuming, since my curriculum is not aligned with the NGSS.

I'm tired of being new and having to create everything from the ground up.  Now, at the halfway point, I have a ridiculously long To-Do list, and I'm only about halfway through it.  Last year I was too exhausted to do much of anything over the break, but I have more discipline this year and will knock off the rest of the list over the next four days. (And then it's back to work.)

Throughout this year I have been aiming for a better work/life balance, and to that end, I've put more  energy into meal planning and prep than I did last year... but last year, DD was home and a big help on that front.  But there's only so much I can do in a day, and over the past 5 months there have been a lot of days where, after dinner, I just didn't work because I couldn't push myself to.

That's the big difference between this year and last: needing to push myself to get anything done. I'm relieved the low-key anxiety underlying everything seems to have dissipated. Perhaps now all the little (and not-so-little) teacher tasks I have to do won't seem like such a burden. 

a merry little Christmas

You know your kids are grown when they sleep until 9:30 Christmas morning.  As it was, DS2 was knocking on the other two doors, announcing, "Christmas!"  He wanted to open presents.

You also know your kids are grown when opening presents takes approximately 10 minutes, and within another 10 minutes, everything is put away.  It helps that we have sworn off the entire idea of "stocking stuffers" and only get the kids stuff they actually want/can use.  Plus, they are old enough now that aunts and uncles have finally quit sending stuff for them... with one exception -- my older sister, who, as DH says, "... is loaded, she has nothing else to spend her money on."  True. But everyone else has stepped back, and that's good.

Me, too: this is the first year I haven't sent gift cards ($$$) to my multitudinous nieces and nephews.  One of my brothers told me to stop, literally.  I respect that, and appreciate it, because although I love my job, I've taken a bit of a pay cut (but I am paying into a pension fund, so it works out.)  Still, the cash on hand is not so much in evidence this year.  At least I'm not paying for grad school -- that helps.

The rib roast is resting on the counter, and I have to go defrost the shrimp.  Last year's lobster tail was inexplicably bitter, and I'd rather not go through that hassle just to be disappointed again.  Dinner preparations will begin eventually.

There's a pitcher of mimosas in the fridge, Christmas music on Pandora, and fresh balsam candles making the house smell like a Christmas tree.  I'd love to bake something but my students completely overwhelmed me with their gifts of delicious things, so it would be silly to add more.  It's very quiet here, with everyone off in their own corner doing whatever -- the way it usually is. 

Still, everyone is home, and happy. And so is my heart, this Christmas.

"Maybe we should just move?"

-semi-serious question asked by DH yesterday, contemplating the state of the plumbing.  It's an impending doom situation here.  We know it will fail again, we just don't know where or when.  *sigh*

And then I opened the microwave to take out my cup of tea, and the front panel fell off sending sparks everywhere.   Yep, we have been in this house for 19 years.  If moving weren't so expensive, we probably would do it... but for now, we're staying put, and getting a new microwave.

Contractors are coming Friday to give us an estimate on fixing the hole in the wall.  That is totally the kind of thing we would have done ourselves in the past, but the insurance is covering it, so we'll leave it to the professionals.  Getting the plaster texture right is tougher than it looks.

Also in the "don't do this again" bin

Non-emergency plumbing repairs the day before Thanksgiving.  My nerves are extremely jangly after trying to disable the smoke detectors going off from all the soldering happening to repair and replace this manifold:

Pipes aren't supposed to be green.

The moisture/mold abatement team will be arriving shortly.  I expect we'll be dealing with fans/blowers and dehumidifiers for several days at least, but we should be able to deal with that. 

don't do this again...

Reminder to me: do not have a Thyrogen trial over Thanksgiving, even if you're not on the low iodine diet. 

I forget how many symptoms of hypothyroidism I get after the injections, namely:  muscle and joint pain, dry skin, feeling cold all the time, brain fog, deep and abiding fatigue (that one could just be because I don't get enough sleep), gastroparesis, sinus congestion, headache, ...

Yes, I'm blaming it all on the Thyrogen, which should clear my system over the next week or so, and then I'll be fine.  But having to deal with all these physical irritations when I want to be working in the kitchen is a drag.

I had my second blood test this morning, so technically, that's that.  The tech drew from the back of my right hand, and this afternoon it started itching something fierce, probably from the tape she used to secure the gauze over the injection site.  Fortunately that all settled down, because I can't deal with another something blowing up right now, even if it is minor.  Too much to do.

I want to peel the apples for the pies, but I have to enter grades, first.  And then go to bed at a decent hour and see if it helps!

it's always the same

Or often, anyway.  Maybe not always.

I began this day exhausted because I slept from 9pm til midnight on the couch, and woke unfortunately refreshed and not feeling the immediate need for sleep.  Bed, finally, at 2, then up at 6.  The math is not in my favor.

At this point I'm keeping up with my lesson prep (everything's new in every class!  unfortunate synchronization!) but have not kept up with grading.  It could be worse, but I can blame my lost prep hour this morning for some of it.  A tiny fraction, but still, some.

Now again, I'll be up in 4 hours, without the benefit of the 3-hour-nap, because understanding how electromagnetic motors and generators work took me down several internet rabbit holes and came uncomfortably close to reminding me of freshman year physics at MIT, which I have repressed all these years.  I'm such a poser.  But, I can at least explain the basic principles to my students, which is all they need at this point.

Then there was the cooking for the staff potluck tomorrow...

The whole reason I'm still up and still floundering around is because I'm having my Thyrogen trial starting tomorrow and once again, for the eleventy-millionth time, I just DON'T WANT TO DO IT.  Should've thought about that before I paid the hospital my $700+ patient portion, I suppose.  So, here's tomorrow (more accurately, slightly later today):
Get up at 5:30, drink approximately 60 ounces of water (not kidding)
6:30, leave for the lab
7:15 if I'm lucky, get my blood drawn, but I do have an appointment
7:45 be at school to start the day, having to pee every 15 minutes, thank God for first period prep
9-11 two lectures on electricity & magnetism
11:45-1:45 two lectures on energy transfer in the atmosphere and air currents
1:45-2:30 lecture on the apostles, Mary, & the early Church
2:30 drive to downtown Phoenix
3-ish (Google maps says it should only take 34 minutes at that time of day) register at the hospital
3:30ish get my first Thyrogen injection
3:35ish drive home
5:00 realistic time I will arrive home
5:02 fall asleep on the couch

I will have to drive up again after school on Friday for my second injection, then have to get up early again on Monday for labs again. 

I seriously detest this, so much that I'm wondering, how bad would be it if I just said, "No, thanks, not this year. How about, say, 2020?"  It's not like it's going to kill me, although I never did get clarification on whether or not I had the more aggressive variant (which, justifiably, actually could kill me).  What good are all these fancy genetic tests if I don't get them? hmmm.

Banner MDA finally, finally have an endocrine cancers department.  I'm going to ask my PCP for a referral over there.  I'd like to centralize my care somewhere the staff is kind and the scheduling actually works for me.  If I didn't have to drive all the way downtown, I'd feel a lot less hostile to this process.

What I hate the most: the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop feeling.  It's only a matter of time until there is a recurrence.  Why else would we keep searching so diligently, year after year?

I do this to myself every single time -- I cannot recall an instance of just sailing through this process as if everything were fine -- and every time I get angry with myself for being so dramatic and whiny about it. 

Always the same.  By this time next week it will be all over, and I'll stop freaking out and everything will be fine.   Lord knows I don't want to go into Thanksgiving with this attitude.

and just like that...

It's November -- DD's birthday, in fact, and she's out running around town with her friends.  One-third of the way through the school year, and things are going well. 

I have some kind of psychological hangover from last May's events, because any time something goes even slightly wrong at school, I get very anxious.  I blame myself for not seeing it coming, and I rack my brain trying to find some event or communication that I misinterpreted, but I'm still coming up empty.  So far the feedback I'm getting is positive, so I don't think I'm missing anything... but I'm still worried that I am.

DS2 has a choir concert this afternoon, and this evening DD's friends will be assembling again.  It's fun to have full house again.

rough week

I spent the weekend in escapist pursuits - DH and I went to the movies twice - and struggled to settle into my usual groove of grading, planning, and entering grades.  It's a bit of a grind but usually I can plunk myself down in front of the NFL on Sunday and just power through it.

Just couldn't get there, though.  I feel unsettled and upset even though there is absolutely nothing unusual going on, and I didn't figure it out until today when I stopped to think about it.

Friday will be the second anniversary of Mom's death, and there are things that I'm still not over.  I suppose it will get easier with time, and most of the time I don't get into a funk like this, but I'm still struggling to understand why she had to suffer so much.  I get very angry at all sorts of medical-establishment people for what she went through.

Plus, my whole dynamic with my family is still screwed up.  A lot of my communication with my siblings worked around their schedule with Mom.  We could talk on those long drives back and forth from Boston, or while Mom was napping. Now everyone is always busy and the time zone difference just magnifies how disconnected I am from everyone and everything.

We didn't go to Massachusetts this year for a whole bunch of reasons involving time and money, and it seemed OK at the time. Even a couple of weeks ago it didn't cross my mind as a regret.  But this week, it just adds to my sense of disconnect from my family.

On the other hand, I think I'd be feeling even lower if I were still working at the charter school instead of my Catholic school, where everyone has already become my "work family" in two short months.  Even feeling as disturbed as I am right now, I can still count my blessings and appreciate what I have.  Of course being up this late is not helping (naps aren't really a great idea at 11PM...). I need to curb my self-destructive impulses.  I still have to be able to function, and falling apart isn't going to help. If I thought "having a good cry" would make me feel better, I'd do it, but it never works that way for me.

I wonder how long it will take for my brain to stop feeling broken over this.

fly by posting...

Super busy, as usual -- but did finish my curriculum mapping last week, so there's that.

Now, it's just the usual lesson prep, planning, grading, etc.

I'm off to make seating charts, possibly my least favorite teacher-activity.

School is off to a very good start, though.  I'm actually using all the stuff I learned for my master's degree!  Amazing.  I'm trying not to let myself get too happy... it's still early in the year, I know.  But so far so good.

My girl's gone

DH and I took DD to her college today, about 3 hours north of home.  The day was long anticipated.  The girl and I talked and planned and shopped and packed all summer, it seems.  We packed up the van last night and got up early this morning to avoid the traffic, and we set off.

The trip was uneventful.  The weather was gorgeous up there today, beautiful clear blue skies, light breeze, warm but not hot.

There was a bit of a fuss in figuring out where to park to reach her dorm, since it's in the middle of a large area near the quad, and has no actual roads going by it.  Later there was more bother trying to figure out how she's going to get to her new job from her dorm, because the way you would drive there (which we were doing) is not the same as how you would walk there, which is what she will do.

We unpacked everything, set up much, did a brief shopping run at Target, got some lunch... somehow we stretched it out to nearly 4PM (we'd arrived on campus just after 10AM), surely we didn't have to take so much time!  None of us minded, I think, because we knew when we drove away that it would be the longest time ever we would be apart.

I held her close when it was finally time to go, "Stay safe!"  She's tall, as tall as I am, but she's so slightly built.  I worry, especially since the campus is pretty empty right now: official move in dates don't start for a few days.  Her job wanted her up there a few days early for training, and we were quite happy to take her up on the weekend, so we wouldn't have to take time off from work...

I didn't really cry, but I am feeling that ache, nostalgia.  Time goes by so fast!  It seems we get so little time with our children, especially as they get older, and quoting Henry Jones, Sr: just when they're getting interesting.  I'm so happy for DD and excited for her to start this part of her life, especially in a place she loves so much.  But I'm feeling a bit mournful for the changes I'm facing, the things we used to do together that I'll be doing on my own now.  Of course I can plan the meals and do the grocery shopping, but DD's delight in these tasks was contagious.  She was thoughtful and often inspired, and the entire family benefited from it.

Of course we have been texting already, as there are a few things she left behind I will be mailing to her.  I know we'll keep in touch, and she'll be home for Thanksgiving (most likely not before.)  The time will go by quickly, as I have much to do, and in all honesty, it will be better for me to have fewer distractions around the house.  (Especially distractions that I know are leaving soon!)

Change is always hard, even when they are good.  DS2 is now our only-child-at-home, as DS1 headed back to campus last week, too.  I'm used to that, and he's less than thirty minutes away.   The house feels empty, and I'm thinking about how to cook and shop for only three people, only one of whom (me!) brings lunch from home to work.  It's going to take a little while for this new version of home life to feel normal, and for the nostalgia to fade back to its usually tolerable level.

... and now it's gone

Having accomplished about 98% of what needed to be done in the house, post-flooring renovation, I stalled, big time.

I still haven't finished hanging the pictures in the stairwell.  Nor have I done the touch-up painting required in several rooms.  It will probably take less than an hour, but I still haven't done it. There's various stuff still scattered here and there around the house, still not put back in its proper place. I have also not painted DS2's room, but he hasn't been exactly jumping on that, either.  How long can you keep paint in a can before it becomes unusable?  At least I bought the paint on sale.  I have no doubt it will go on the walls eventually, it's just that we've all become extremely sedentary in these last few weeks of summer.

Technically, my summer's over.  I started at my new school today, pre-service teacher training; students won't start until August 9.  I'm nervous about starting over again, but it's a shorter day and I'm out of grad school, and I have minimal other responsibilities.

So, rather than finishing up those small tedious tasks, I have managed to do a few things, like re-upholster the dining room chairs. They are now kitchen chairs because we finally gave up on trying to fit at the smaller table and moved the dining room set into the kitchen.  I bought enough fabric and materials to make cushions for the chair backs, too, but I haven't made them yet.  Perhaps this weekend?

I've also been inordinately busy shopping with DD for her new life at college: bedding, room stuff, mini kitchen, cold weather clothes... the list is seemingly endless, but I think we're in good shape now.

Small victories:  I bought a square Lane coffee table for the family room and am just delighted with its clean lines.  And, I finally tracked down a replacement for a pottery piece that was originally a wedding present that I broke back in 2005:

It arrived today and I have this sense of an old wound finally healing.  I don't know why it bothered me so much but in 12 years I never completely forgot about it, and from time to time I would do a web search.  I was up stupidly late when I found it, but I had a sense that I would finally be successful if I just kept at it, and I was.

Other than shopping?  Reading.  DS2 recommended the first two books of Brandon Sanderson's Stormlight Archive, and I thought, "Sure, why not?"  Then I actually saw the books: at least 3 inches tall, roughly 1300 pages.  Each.   Of course I have no willpower regarding pacing myself while I'm reading, so I basically immersed myself in them and thoroughly enjoyed the process.   I think it took me about a week or so to read both books. I didn't do much else during that time, though!  But I can see why DS2 really liked them, and wanted me to read them.  Volume three comes out in November.   I will probably wait until Christmas to get a copy, though, since I'm not to be trusted with huge, engrossing volumes when I have serious work to do.

DS1 and I re-watched all the Harry Potter movies, which was especially fun because I'd just re-read all the books.  There were a number of things I hadn't noticed before.  I actually liked the two Deathly Hallows movies better than when I'd seen first them (not including the penultimate scene, about which the less said, the better.)

But now I'm back in work and have to switch over to school mode; DS2 goes back on Friday.  The two older kids are both moving to their respective colleges weekend after next: DS2 will be our last kid at home, two weeks from now.  How strange that will be!

summer's almost here

Signed my contract yesterday.  *whew*  Am now actively reprogramming my brain to prepare for the new school year, but fortunately, I don't report for orientation until the very end of July, and school begins in the second week of August.  Hooray for a more traditional school calendar!

The grand flooring project and its aftermath is just about finished.  There's still tape over the trim, but we'll take that off tomorrow, and then I'll post some photos.  The kids have been absolutely amazing with all that I have asked of them: sorting, packing, moving, sleeping in odd places, and then moving furniture back where it belongs and putting everything else away, too.  It may sound odd, but we had a spectacular trip to IKEA in which we found everything we needed and managed to get it all packed in the back of the van, and then unpacked immediately.  Before bed that night all the carpets were out, and before two days had passed all the furniture was assembled.

Temperatures outside have been at or over 110 degrees for more than two weeks running, so it's summer out there, but for me, not quite.  I need to muddle through a few more house things, and then I'll feel like I can really relax.  The flooring installation took all of last week, as opposed to the 2 days originally estimated; I took advantage of the stuck-at-home time by re-reading the Harry Potter series and am about two-thirds through book 7.  That is a mental vacation of sorts, but the later books are so much longer and more serious that I find I can actually put them down to do other things.

I think I have been so busy for so long that I don't really know how to relax. I keep having this feeling I'm supposed to be doing something.   I'm going to have to work on that.

things are looking up

I've already had three interviews for my dream job.  I'm not going to say too much more about it, except this comment from a different perspective: It's not your plan, it's God's  plan.

So many people told me, on the terrible day when my contract was rescinded, that things happen for a reason, and that I would find something even better, and that I would be OK.  I have never, perhaps in spite of my faith, bought into the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy.  On the other hand, I do think God has a plan for me, I just don't always know what it is, and I'm fairly certain that there have been plenty of times when I haven't followed the path that would have kept me closer to that plan.

I don't think God is a manipulative jerk.  I have noticed, though, that at certain times in my life, I've made the same mistake repeatedly until some shocking event wakes me up to the fact that I am, in fact, doing something less-than-good.  I can't tell you how many times Pride goeth before the fall has echoed through head these past few weeks. All I can do is nod my head in agreement.

So I'm waiting to hear from the dream job, and holding off on completing my other applications for a little while.  I'm waiting for a letter of reference from my old principal to be able to complete those applications, anyway, and she just returned from her maternity leave and I'm sure she's swamped.  It's OK, there's still plenty of time before the next school year kicks into gear.

On a completely different note, this was great news today:

And finally, Goodwill came and picked up a ton (almost literally) of stuff we've purged in advance of getting our floors re-done next week.  We'll hit peak household disruption on Sunday, but the work should be finished by this time next week, and we'll begin the process of thoughtfully putting everything left back into the upstairs rooms. 

It's strange to be in AZ at this time of year, but I appreciate having the time to get this work done on the house, and I really appreciate not having any homework or classwork or any other sort of schoolwork to do!

Now I get it

I asked for, and received today, a copy of my final performance evaluation, so I could understand why my contract was rescinded.  I really shouldn't have read it before bed, because of course I couldn't sleep afterwards.

I have never seen so many lies about me!  Things they said I did, and things they said I didn't do -- it's enough to make me wonder who actually wrote it.

Since it's much too late to talk about it, I took the time to write out my refutations.  I will think about how to send them in, too, since it pains me greatly to think of that document as part of my file, unanswered, as if I accepted it.

It seems to me as if it were purposely written so they could get rid of me... a hatchet-job, a witch hunt, whatever you want to call it.  But anyone who knew anything about my classroom practices would laugh to see some of the things they said, like I didn't enter my grades, or I didn't communicate with parents, or I didn't promote self-assessment among my students. My advice-to-parents succeeding in math letter is all about the need for self-assessment.  Clearly whoever wrote that performance evaluation had very little actual knowledge of my practices, which is not surprising since it was a rare day when we had anyone from admin show up in the junior high wing. They were too busy dealing with problems elsewhere in the building, and they knew we were fine, because we are all excellent teachers, including me.

reject

In light of recent events, I have spent an inordinate amount of time on job boards and recruiting websites and all that.  I have an interview set for next Thursday for a job I actually want, too.  I feel a little better knowing that's coming.

On the other hand, I had a screening interview today for another job that I might actually want (the commute is a challenge) and was faced with having to discuss why I'm even looking for a job right now.  I wasn't exactly prepared for the question, although I should have been.

So I was completely honest and probably talked myself out of that job, even though I won't be teaching math.  The math scores did it, apparently, but why anyone was surprised about those math scores, I'll never know.  They were completely consistent with the work my students did all year, in spite of my best efforts.  It is not possible for an average student to learn math without actually doing math, and the vast majority of my students treated homework as if it were optional.  Which is why most of them failed math the entire year.

So I was asked, what did I do about it?  I offered tutoring multiple days a week.  I found online tools so they could bring their math facts up to where they needed to be.  I found other free, online resources and assigned adaptive practice to address specific skills gaps.  I gave out countless worksheets and packets to do the same.  Grades did come up, but when you are starting in the 20-30% range (or lower), even an increase of 20-30% is still not going to get you to passing.  So I said most of that, to what effect, I have no idea.  The call ended with the recruiter letting me know they would contact me if I was still a candidate after they had talked to other qualified candidates.

Then I worked on an application for another school district which asked, have you ever had a contract not renewed? And I had to answer "yes", which led to another "Please explain if you had to answer 'yes' to any of these questions," most of which were horrible things like being arrested. That was a drag, and made me feel as if I'm un-employable, which I should most assuredly not be.

My thoughts take dark turns and I ponder things like, did getting my master's degree make me unemployable? Am I too expensive now?  Will I ever find a place where I feel like I fit in?

The MIT degree supposedly helps, and it does open some doors, but overall I've got more flak about it than I have positive comments.  "Wow, you must be really smart," isn't always a compliment, especially when it's followed by the unspoken question, "What are you doing here?"  

I want my job to make a contribution that's more than economic.  I want to make a difference in people's lives.  I believe I can still do that, I just have to find the right place.

don't quite know how to say this

This is... awkward.  It's my blog, and all that.

Let's back up a bit.

DD's graduation was lovely.  We went to Flancer's for dinner, just as we had done after her kindergarten graduation, because we needed to pack for Cleveland.

We left for Cleveland about 3AM, and had a lovely weekend for our niece's wedding.  The travel was long but not difficult.  The wedding on Sunday was lovely.  Monday we went to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and then to my brother-in-laws and spent the afternoon hanging out with family.  Tuesday, DH took the two younger kids to Cedar Point to ride the roller coasters, while DS1 and I stayed behind and went first to Half Price Books and then to the Botanical Gardens, spending about the same amount of time in each.  Then we came home today.

It was nice.  Cleveland in the spring is really lovely.  We had some rain but nothing dreadful.  Nothing to make me think "mistake on the lake" at all, but I can imagine how hard it is in the winter, with lots of snow.

Let's back up a little bit more.

Last week of school: Monday, after school practice for the teacher dance routine we were performing on Wednesday after the talent show.  Tuesday, the same.  Wednesday morning, "switch day," talked to three different groups of 6th graders about what junior high math and science would be like.  Wednesday afternoon, the talent show, where I was roasted by one of my students doing stand up comedy -- he was quite good.  Then at the end, I did the dance routine with the other teachers, perfectly willing to be silly for the students.  Thursday, field trip with the students.  I spent a good part of the day talking to teachers from our other campuses who were there, so it was actually a productive day.  Friday: last day of school -- all-school award ceremony, then the last Pride Day for our students, to just hang out with each other.  I shopped for drinks before school, and picked up pizza for the kids.  It was a half-day, and DriveLine, our end-of-the-day pickup routine, was fine, because it wasn't so late in the day and so not hot at all.  I was so happy to be done!

In the evenings each night I pulled together the end-of-year stuff I had to do, documenting how I had met my personal goals, how I had communicated with parents, etc.  All these little details that were required of me.

About 1PM, DD came by to bring me a passion tea lemonade from Starbucks.  She was excited about getting ready for her graduation and we were talking about it when my phone rang.  It was my AP saying she needed me for a quick meeting in the small conference room...

A very quick meeting in which she told me, with the district representative sitting there with her laptop, that, because of my students' low test scores, and because a parent had complained to the district about me, they had decided to rescind my contract for next year.

Of course this made no sense to me whatsoever.  Wait, what?  Seriously?  I worked so hard, I said.  I sacrificed so much.  Doesn't mean a thing to them.

I turned in my badge and my keys and my walkie, and went upstairs, told my daughter.  Told my co-workers,  Cried.  Got many hugs.  Had my two boys come over to help me and my daughter pack up all my stuff and put it in the van, and the Fit.

I finally got out of there about 4:30, having sent DD home earlier to get ready .  She needed to be there at 5:30.   The final indignity was having to scrape the labels off the cabinets... and there were a lot of labels since there were so many cabinets.  My guy C, the regular maintenance guy, helped me out by loaning me an awesome scraper, else I would've missed my daughter's graduation.

Now I have literally an entire science curriculum's worth of stuff stacked in my garage, and no job come July.  Yet.  I've already applied to a few places, and more jobs will become available as the summer goes on.

I wouldn't let DH or the kids talk about this while we were in Cleveland.  I texted my friends at my old school, and my brothers & sisters.  Everyone is just as shocked as I am -- I didn't want anyone else to be distracted by this over the weekend, which was all about the wedding.  Now we're back home and I can focus on cleaning up the house for the flooring job, and getting another job.

I'm still turning this turn of events over and over, trying to figure out what I could have done differently.  I honestly don't know.   I'm angry and embarrassed.  Shouldn't I have known this was coming?  I don't see how I could have known.

But just today I remembered how, when an irrational parent attacked me at the science fair, that later came back during my performance evaluation in a negative way.  That parent was completely unjustified, just as this year's parent was, but that apparently doesn't matter.

I've been thinking of all the work I won't have to do, now.  That seems like a good thing, but I never minded the work.  I liked the work, even if there was often too much of it.

I've also been thinking about the kind of job I want to have. I don't want to work somewhere I don't fit.  I've had too many square-peg-round-hole situations.  Maybe I really shouldn't be a teacher?

This is not a path I expected to be on, at this point.  I was really looking forward to going back to work in late July with my team, and having way less work to do because all the prep was done this year.   I told DS2 I wouldn't sign up for any classes or do anything outside of work so I would be more available for him in his last 2 years of high school.  It's very doubtful at this point that I will be able to stick to that.

I'm still in shock, but mostly I'm really sad.  I'm sad about all the people I won't be working with anymore.  I'm sad about the students I have been forced to leave... the district made a liar out of me, because I told them I'd be back next year.

All the colleagues I talked to were so encouraging, and told me I would go on to something better.  We'll see.  I just need to make sure my health insurance doesn't run out.

post script

After all that travelogue, I find I'm not mentioning the shadow hovering just at the edge of my vision: I so wish my mother could have been here for this weekend, especially.  She was always, always encouraging me to go to back to school, and I know she would have been proud of me.  Then of course yesterday was Mother's Day, which is a Hallmark Holiday, wholly manufactured, sure, but still, a day when my family would get together and "open" the summer season with a big cookout at the Cape house, year after year.  That's how it was: Dad's birthday (May 4) and Mother's Day celebrated together, and  Mom's birthday (June 13) and Father's Day, celebrated together.  Forever.   No wonder I wanted bbq yesterday...

All 7 of us siblings were actively texting each other in the morning, and I had a good talk with one of my brothers, but this is a time that feels lonely for people I'll never see again.  I am more used to the feeling now.  I wish I didn't have to be.

graduation, etc

Not even half-way through the crazy times...

Last weekend was glorious.  I took Friday off from work, which meant late nights Wednesday and Thursday so everything would be ready for the substitute (the best one.)  The students have been energetic and not especially interested in instruction, which makes our jobs as teachers that much more difficult.  So the day off was most well-timed, in spite of the extra time at work it cost me.

Friday started with an early visit to physical therapy.  My lower back issues are about 98% resolved and my neck rarely bothers me, but my collarbone has become an issue as I do more upper-body work.  There is a lot of scar tissue there from my surgeries and it remains to be seen what really can be done -- but it is better, and we keep working on it.  I would like an exit strategy -- some way to know I'm done -- but at this point I don't know what that will look like.  It's kind of expensive but good for me in ways that going to the gym or taking a yoga class wouldn't be.

After the appointment, running around with a few errands, then home, and I'm not exactly sure where the time went, but then the kids were home from school and we were packing the car to head out.  We stopped at Trader Joe's for provisions for the trip, and got on the highway by 3pm, my goal.  My trip up to Flagstaff the previous week, on Monday afternoon for my Tuesday thesis defense, was at exactly the same time, but the traffic is different on Fridays!  Rush hour starts sooner, and it has been so long since I had to deal with any of it, I forgot about the Friday factor.  Fortunately, there were 3 of us in the car, so we could stay in the carpool lane for a big chunk of the ride and miss a lot of the traffic.Once we cleared Phoenix, the ride was smooth sailing the entire way, and we got to Flagstaff just before 6pm.

We stayed at a little motel just off campus, and walking distance to a lot of great restaurants.  On Friday night, DS1, DD, and I had dinner at Tinderbox Kitchen, sitting at the bar because they were still trying to accommodate reservations for post-graduation ceremony parties.  We obliged.  The bartender was both very charming and really skilled at her job, and it was very entertaining watching her work... plus I ordered two very different and delicious cocktails as a result.   (DS2 remained in Phoenix with DH for his ASP exam; he scored an Excellent from an extremely difficult adjudicator.)  The entire dinner was fantastic, then we headed back to the motel to wait for the boys, who got in just around midnight.

Saturday, graduation day, was a gorgeous day with temps in high 60s, a bright blue sky, and gusty winds.  We had breakfast in the room (I like having a fridge and a microwave!  We brought our own coffee maker... it just simplified things) and then tried to figure out how we would manage the day, unsure about parking and traffic and what-not.  We had a quick lunch at The Mayor, a quirky place with very good food, the sort that shows up often on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.  Then we headed over to campus to get a parking spot, and wandered around campus a bit.  We hit the bookstore and found DD's dorm -- she'll start in the fall, and is very excited to do so.

We decided to forego waiting for the shuttle bus and walked over the Sky Dome for the graduation ceremony.  I had to be there by 2pm, so I left the family and went off.  I had watched the earlier videos about how to wear the master's robe and hood, and I had a fair idea I was doing it right, but the master's hoods lack the buttons the doctoral hoods have, and it had a tendency to slide off my skinny shoulders.  I was very happy with my decision to wear my Keds rather than my black dress shoes, even though they are comfortable.  The instructions said, "Wear sensible shoes," and I just decided I would rather be able to do a lot of walking and not have to carry the other shoes around.

Graduation was fine -- it was nice being a master's candidate since we go between the PhDs (only about a dozen or so) and the bachelors (it felt like thousands -- probably was only one, though.)  In the staging area my adviser came by to visit and gave us navy stoles with the NAU logo on one side, and MAST on the other, a nice surprise.  She assured us that the administration is very good at this graduation thing, and they were, indeed.  The speakers were brief and relevant, and the awarding of degrees was pretty zippy.  Each of us had a card on which we wrote the name we wanted to be announced, and I was only a little peeved when the reader on my side of the stage skipped my middle name -- the reader on the other side read all the names each degree candidate wrote.  It was all over in a second, anyway, and then I was clutching a diploma folder and making the long trip around back to my seat.

After the master's candidates, the bachelors degrees took seeming forever.  There were rows and rows of them, but eventually it was over and then we all processed out in different directions, kind of like the arms of a starfish.  We met up outside for photos, and my faculty assured me that in a couple of years, when DS2 is out of high school, their PhD program will be up and running... sounds good to me, but 2 years is a long time, sometimes.  We'll see what happens.

Then we walked back to the car in the river of post-graduation ceremony happy people, and had a snack and hung out until our dinner reservation at 8 at the Cottage, a little French bistro just 3 minutes walk from the motel.  We had a spectacular meal.  DD was in heaven with her duck confit cassoulet, saying repeatedly it was the most delicious thing she had ever eaten.  Even DS1, who has eaten at very good French restaurants with us on several occasions, said he now "gets" French cuisine.  We had escargots for an appetizer and there were literally a dozen meaty snails in the order, enough for 4 people -- so rich!  I was trying to balance that out so I ordered the steak frites, but the rest of the family ordered the duck or coq au vin.  Desserts were an awesome chocolate cake and the truly weird but delightful iles flottant, meringues floating in creme anglaise.  Everyone was happy, then we headed back to the motel.  DH took off to come home and look after the cats, but the kids and I hung out and watched the penultimate episode of Samurai Jack, which is just killing me with how good it is. (sigh)

Sunday morning started off slightly disappointing, because we planned to go to a 9am mass at the Our Lady of Guadalupe Chapel nearby, but when we arrived there we were told there was no mass, even though 3 different websites said there was!  So, change of plans: go to mass in the evening.  We packed up and headed out, and made great time getting home -- well under 3 hours.  Then, we attempted to go to the movies to see the new Guardians of the Galaxy, but I made a mistake!  The tickets I bought were for Saturday, not Sunday.  I admit, I was crushed.  I really wanted to see the movie, and I felt very foolish for making such a stupid mistake.  Of course there are no refunds in such a case, so money spent on nothing, another thing making me feel foolish.

I allowed myself a little time to feel sorry for myself but then pulled myself together and went out grocery shopping with DD, then I took the kids to the late mass at St. Mary's, and then I decided I wanted bbq for dinner so we got a ridiculous amount of food from Famous Dave's and it was all delicious, an undoubtedly good decision.

Somewhere in there, I made a final exam and end-of-year review for my 7th grade math class, because inexplicably there is no district version.  I am a little peeved about having to do that extra work, but I survived.  I also finally looked into ZipGrades, and it's going to make grading finals (all multiple choice...) a snap.  I even think I'll have fewer than 100 scans for all the finals I'm doing, so I won't have to pay until the beginning of next school year --- it's not that big a deal ($6.99), I just don't want to pay for something I'm not going to use for months because it's summer.

Only 9 days left of school, and I admit, my heart's not in it -- graduating has made my heart and head sync up to say, "I'm done!"  I want to relax and celebrate, but I have to wait a couple of weeks.  Really , the hard part is over.  I just have to hang in there.

I didn't expect to feel different when I graduated.  I thought it would be kind of like a birthday, where you feel exactly the same the day after as the day before.  I realize that it's not like that at all, because a birthday is something that happens to you simply because time is passing by.  It really has nothing to do with you, you just happen to be there.  Graduation is a completely purposeful thing, and now that it has happened, I feel lighter even than when my committee approved my thesis.  Every time I think of it, I get a big smile on my face, and it's hard for me to stay feathers-ruffled about anything for any length of time.  I don't really even know what it will be like to not be in grad school, since I feel like I've been doing the program forever.  It will be fun to find out.