Torchwood 2.6: Reset

Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman) first met then-medical student Martha Jones (Freema Agyema) in Doctor Who's third season pre-finale "Utopia," when Jack clung to the exterior of the TARDIS as it raced to the end of time. Luckily, Jack was uniquely qualified to solve the technical problems that were keeping the remnants of humanity from reaching their final home, and it was Jack's wrist jump-unit that got the Doctor and his two companions away in the nick of time in "The Sound of Drums." But it was in "The Last of the Time Lords" that Martha Jones saved the world, and Jack Harkness is one of very few people alive who remembers it. It's a great pleasure, then, when Dr. Jones arrives at Torchwood, where aliens may shuffle in and out, but the monster of the week is nearly always human.

Click here to read the rest over at the House Next Door.

Torchwood 2.5: Adam

Torchwood enters Bizarro World when an alien reprograms the team's memories – and personalities – in "Adam." We're short on science fiction and long on character again this week, as is usual for writer Catherine Tregenna, but we get a big juicy chunk of Captain Jack's backstory. It's up to you whether or not it's a worthy trade. I was happy to hear Gray's story only four episodes after John Hart dropped that bombshell ("I found Gray") on Jack.

Click here to read the rest at the House Next Door.

still here, still sick

I've still got this cold, or possibly I just coincidentally caught another cold before the first one really cleared out. Regardless, I'm still sick.

I've tried everything -- Mucinex, Mucinex with cough suppressant, Sudafed, Tylenol Sinus (on the recommendation of my ENT), Robitussin cough gels, Claritin... and nothing really works. Nothing. No matter what I take, I have congestion and a cough, sometimes productive, sometimes not. The cough has been the worst. I have never had a cold like this before. At least the cough is better now -- I haven't taken any cough-type medicine since yesterday morning, and for the most part I can ignore the urge to cough.

I did have a 10-day course of Cefzil that seemed to help for a while. My ENT confirmed that the original sinus and ear infections had cleared, but judging from what's happening now, I think it has come back or another has developed. I spend a lot of time blowing my nose, with disgusting results. (One thing I've discovered, post-turbinate reduction surgery: If I tip my head down while I'm blowing my nose, my sinuses clear out a lot better. Maybe that would've worked before the surgery, too, but I don't think so. I never could clear my sinuses well before the surgery, which is of course the reason I had it.)

Last week was uniquely busy. I subbed in the pre-school 4-year-old class all week, and it was a blast, although it would've been a lot more fun if I weren't having to medicate myself every day so as not to be hacking all over the classroom. I also started my classes at Rio Salado, such as they are. Nothing much to do just yet, but things will pick up once I take my placement exam next week. On top of all that, there was a Thyca meeting Tuesday night, the kids started fencing lessons last weekend, and we discovered the most recent leak in the dining room ceiling is from the roof, which we had fixed to the tune of about $1800.

Finally, I just watched the most recent episode of Torchwood, "Reset," and I can't believe (highlight to see spoiler):
They killed Owen! Those bastards!
Now I just have to find some time to write it all up.

unexpected side effects

For over two weeks now, I've been dealing with this stupid head congestion/ post-nasal drip/ brutal cough illness. I've completed eight days of anti-biotics to clear up the sinus and ear infection parts of it, but still, the rest of it persists. I even broke down and started taking Sudafed yesterday, which helps a lot but still, drip-drip-drip leads to coughing fits.

I've had post-nasal drip before, in fact I've had one for a good part of my adult life. What I can never remember happening before is having so much drip that it produces a nasty cough. I realized that's because everything used to get stuck up inside my sinus cavities, before my turbinate reduction surgery. Now, everything drains, but I still got sinus and ear infections... here's hoping they're my last.

The worst part is that all that dripping and coughing is seriously interfering with my voice therapy. At least I have a reasonable excuse for why I'm not doing everything I'm supposed to, but it's frustrating.

Torchwood 2.4: Meat

From the beginning, we all knew that former police constable Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles) would someday be forced to choose between her sweetheart Rhys (Kai Owen) and her dashing Torchwood boss Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman). In Catherine Tregenna's "Meat," Gwen makes her choice.

While pretty weak on its sci-fi aspects, this episode rocked for its character development. If you've ever wondered what would happen if Rhys went toe-to-toe with Jack, you're about to find out. Read the rest over at The House Next Door.

well, that wasn't supposed to happen

So I've been working with the 4-year-olds since the middle of last week, and we've settled into a good routine. Today another woman came in to observe the class, to see if she'd like to take the aide position permanently.

I'm surprised by my reaction, which was mostly negative, but not negative enough for me to step up and say, "OK, give me the job for the rest of the year." I still don't know if I want that! Oy.

I love the little ones. They are so very tiny and just figuring out the world, they are infinitely curious, and I love that about them. I can see why there are so many pre-school teachers out there (at the teacher certification orientation I attended this week, that's one of the things I learned).

Well, we'll see how it goes. I'll be back in there subbing for the teacher the last week of the month, and that should be a blast. Whether or not I'm in there on other days, just depends on how things go with the other aide.

Torchwood 2.3: To the Last Man

Helen Raynor, writer of the solid first season episode Ghost Machine, teams up with Torchwood series creator Russell T. Davies to bring us another kind of ghost story in "To the Last Man." Here, we're haunted by the omnipresent shadow of war, and the vagaries that forge unwitting young men into heroes, and sometimes martyrs to the greater good.

Click here to read the whole thing at the House Next Door.

infinite capacity for self-delusion

It's not just me, it's a human tendency. At times, I'm sure it's the only thing that makes survival -- maybe just sanity? -- possible.

I can talk myself into (out of) anything. It's looking like I might be aiding in the 4-year-old preschool class regularly for the indefinite future. It's not what I want to do but they need someone, and it's hard to find someone and it's hard on the kids to have different people bouncing in and out of the classroom. You see how this goes?

Well. We'll know more tomorrow.

*snap*

It's amazing how easy it is to break something ephemeral like the connection I felt you feel to, say, a particular blog.

More.

This is, as I described elsewhere, a tempest in a teapot.

One of the more off-the-wall regular commenters at Althouse started posting non sequitor replies about how Ann doesn't care about her commenters, look at what happened with Sippican Cottage (aka Sippican). I won't link to his blog because I'm sure he wouldn't want to be involved in this silliness, but suffice it to say, he was a valued contributor to the comment threads on Althouse, until one day someone started posting stuff about his kids, stuff that crossed the line. Sippican decided he didn't want to expose his family to anything like that, and so he pulled up his stakes and he left: he deleted all of his comments, in every thread. (I admire his thoroughness and dedication to the task.)

Back in the present, the number and ferocity of the Sippican-related postings was increasing, so I stepped in to say I found those posts objectionable. I was surprised when Ann chimed in, not to tell the obnoxious commenter to knock it off, but to criticize Sippican for being "destructive to the community."

There was some back-and-forth; Ann's last long reply is still standing, and she asked me to explain why I think she thinks "it's all about her", so I tried -- and you can see where it got me.

I didn't save a copy of the comment I wrote which Ann deleted, but I did spend a long time writing and re-writing it. Here's a reasonable recreation of the high (or low, depending) points; italics represent quotes from Ann's reply:

And if you want to keep saying that I think it's "all about me," why don't you explain it, because I don't think that makes sense. I'm talking about threads where a lot of people wrote and interacted.
Yes, lots of people wrote and interacted, and then moved on. The relevance of blog comments drops precipitously once the posts scroll off the main page. They're so much water over the dam, or under the bridge, or wherever that water goes when it keeps on flowing. They're just not that important.

But I do have an interest in the integrity of my website, which I have worked very hard on for over 4 years. Why are you insulting me for caring about it?
Ahem. This is not a website, it's a blog. You're not even invested enough to get your own hosting service and proper blogging software so you can ban the nuisance commenters. You post a lot of content, but that's because it's what you like to do. You also generate a lot of attention and income. I'd say you get a pretty good ROI from this blog. Do you think you'd be writing NYT editorials without it?

As for "integrity," people realize that old links are going to be broken or full of holes if the page still exists. That's the nature of the medium, and you've been around long enough to know that.

You're coming off as pissy here because a commenter deleted his own comments, and you called him "destructive to the community." "Destructive" is overkill because there was never any question of the "integrity" of Althouse blog, or even its traffic, somehow being damaged. "Community" is an overstatement of what actually happens in here, which is that a random collection of people drifts in and out.

I don't see how deleting all the old comments achieved anything positive. [References and links to Sippican are] all still there. It is just a lot less coherent.
Sippican made a decision to control where his words would appear. He can't control what you quote or what you link to, that's the nature of blogging, but he could control his own content.

f I had a way to bar comment deletion by anyone other than the administrator (me), I would do it...
I find it disturbing that you would take away my ability to delete my own comments if you could. What if I made an egregious typo? What if the cat walked across the keyboard and hit publish accidentally? They're my words, I should be able to decide what happens to them.

You've done a lot of great work here, but from time to time have shown an alarming level of narcissism. Now is one of those times.

-----
I've spent hundreds, possibly thousands of hours in comments -- both reading and writing -- at Althouse. Still, I'm starting school next week (or thereabouts), so now seems like a good time to cut back. Brooklyn doesn't suit Professor Althouse. Perhaps she'll gain new perspective on this issue when she returns to Madison.

varia

Time is going by too quickly, but stuff happens that I want to make a note of, so:

-- I worked two days last week. On Thursday night I got a call from the sub coordinator, asking if I could work Friday, because the teacher had specifically requested me as her sub. That was really nice.

-- Also in the "ego boost" category, I'm scheduled for a story time later this month; the regular story teller is taking a long weekend with her husband, God bless them both, and the manager told her to get me to cover. She told me this, I blushed, and she went on, "You know, we've had some other people cover for me, but we always want you."

-- I had my voice therapy evaluation on Thursday morning, after I drove up there for nothing on Wednesday morning because I cannot, apparently, read a calendar, even given several attempts. I wrote the appointment on the correct day, I just consistently misread it. Anyway, the appointment went well and the therapist is starting me on something called Lessac-based Resonant Voice Therapy for the next 6 or 8 Thursdays.

-- The new mortgage stuff is in the works; we've signed all the papers, now we're just waiting to get all the accounts set up. Hopefully it will all work out as planned.

-- I got a rather nasty shock in the mail, a Blue Cross explanation of benefits showing I owed the surgery center, where I had my septoplasty and turbinate reduction done last December, roughly $10,000. Considering that the only reason I had the surgery done last year was because I had already met my deductible by that point, this registered at the heart-attack level of shock. It turns out that yes, the center was out-of-network, but they blew some smoke at me about "honoring your insurance's allowed amounts," and telling me to sign over the check when I got it from BCBS. But they -- and I, and it's really my fault -- forgot to take into account that there is a separate deductible for out-of-network providers, and I had paid exactly $0 of it. Then the "allowed amount" worked out to be less than that deductible, which means I'm responsible for the whole amount. Needless to say: panic, and many phone calls. As of Friday, we were down to only owing them $972, but even that is horrible, considering we've already given them $450, and if they were in network, we would've only ended up paying $300. I'm supposed to call tomorrow and find out what the final figure is, apparently they're going to apply some magic co-insurance formula. They've actually been really nice about it, but it still has been horribly upsetting.

-- DS1 turned 11! We got him a Wii Zapper and a bunch of video games and the new Ken Jennings Trivia book, and he was very psyched. Mom made him a brownie cake and an ice cream cake; alas, both are gone now.

-- The Patriots lost the SuperBowl to the Giants, who out-played them and had the momentum going in. The Pats have been struggling their last 5 or so games, whereas the Giants seemed to be getting stronger and stronger. It looked as if Brady might pull out that perfect season, but the D gave up a huge play in the final minute of the game, which gave Eli Manning all that he needed to score the winning TD. (sigh) Congrats to the Giants, they played hard and earned their win.

-- DH's father has developed another infection after being in rehab for several weeks. The poor man hasn't been home since before Thanksgiving, but had been making excellent progress at the rehab hospital. This new infection has kind of thrown the doctors; he's on anti-biotics and we're praying they clear it up, because otherwise they'll have to open him up again to clean it out.

-- Ash Wednesday is this week! Practically the earliest possible Easter, this year.

-- Torchwood's second season is shaping up very nicely so far. I'm getting comfortable with a long form hybrid recap/review, but man, those things take a lot of writing. It's good for me, though, forcing me to describe what's happening as concisely as possible so I can spend time talking about what it all means or why it's important.

-- I've been on 7.5 mcg of Cytomel, up from 5, along with my 125 Levoxyl for about two weeks now, and overall I feel much better. Less brain fog, and I'm not freezing to death quite as often. But I still do get quite cold at times, no matter how wrapped up I am. I think there's something going on there, but I'm not sure what.

-- One possibility is that the Prilosec I'm taking (now up to 3 a day: before breakfast, before dinner, before bed, with no side effects [yay!]); I saw a few references here and there that Prilosec can interfere with absorption of thyroid hormones. I've been taking Prilosec with my morning thyroid meds for ages now, and no one ever said boo about it. I really have to research that more thoroughly. Regardless, my reflux is still poorly controlled; I'm finding myself running out of breath when I speak, and also that stupid reflux cough is back. I'm hoping the 3x/day dosing will help calm things down a bit. I go back to see Dr. G at the end of this month, and I really don't want to hear the word "surgery" come out of his mouth (Even if fundoplication could help, I'm just not psychologically prepared to go under the knife again, any time soon. Enough is enough.)

-- I've told everyone so I can't back out now (I can talk myself out of anything): I'm starting the post-bac teacher certification program at Rio Salado College. I've been out of school almost 24 years now. I'll probably be in classes with people who weren't even born when I was graduating from college. I pray: Lord, I'm old; please help me.

-- Related to that last, my RA/fibromyalgia are running me down. Hands, feet, hips, with the fibro going after my left piriformis and surrounding muscles as usual. I thought that regular exercise was keeping these beasts at bay, but no, the weather had a lot to do with it, too. Oh, I'm sure the exercise helped, but as soon as it snapped cold and got a bit damp: ouch. Well, I'm sure I'd be even more miserable if I weren't exercising, and I'm sure I'd be less miserable if I'd get more sleep.

Speaking of -- I'm in a bad groove here, multiple consecutive late nights, it's not good, even if I can sleep till 10AM on Sundays. I certainly can't tomorrow, the alarm will be going off in approximately 4 hours. I wish I could figure out a more productive way to deal when something's bothering me.

Torchwood 2.2: Sleeper

After the entertaining fluff of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, Season 2's follow-up effort hits hard. A mash-up of the recurrent themes from Battlestar Galactica and 24, "Sleeper" walks down a checklist of hot-button items, but with grace and feeling, avoids bludgeoning viewers with any particular viewpoint. There's a lot to be said for a show that lets you make up your own mind about how you feel about what's going on.

Click here to read the rest at the House Next Door.

Torchwood 2.1: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

When Torchwood's second season debut opens with a cliché-ridden car chase, you can't help but wonder if the show runners are trying too hard. Between-seasons PR promised more team spirit and more fun; what I'm hoping for is a settled sense of, and respect for, the target audience and a lot more consistency with the characterization. "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" easily transcends its ridiculous lead-off, and sets the tone for a new season of less bickering, more questions, some answers, and a good mix of otherworldly technology, aliens, sex, and action. It works.

Click here to read the rest at The House Next Door.

tailoring

I'm suffering from bad fit right now, only not clothes: me. Round peg, square hole, that sort of thing.

There are a bunch of things I want to do, but am not doing. Time constraints do not figure in here. The only constraints are self-imposed. I don't like doing some things, like writing, unless I'm by myself and have psychological room to work. Psychological room, aka "alone time" is in short supply these days.

Since I can't (and don't want to) change the circumstances, I have to change myself. I have to figure out a way to trim some resistance here and some inertia there and just get over it and do the work.

fog has lifted

The PA at my endocrinologist's office listened patiently to my long spiel about the gastroparesis and other hypo symptoms, remarked that I'm technically hyperthyroid, and then said it would be OK for me to increase my Cytomel by 2.5mcg/day.

I don't care if it's just placebo effect, but I'm feeling much better.

My sleeping is a little screwed up, but I don't really care, I'm feeling that much better. I woke up without feeling as if I had been hit by a truck for the first time in long memory. That was great. Also, when I wake up, I'm awake, not wandering around in a daze for an hour.

My limbs still feel leaden from time to time, but overall, it's just so much better I can't even believe it. So far no palpitations or other weirdness, although I did have a few seconds of eye-twitch Friday evening, something I'd not had in a long time, but haven't noticed since.

Inspired by this improvement, or perhaps just insane, I've gone back on the Prilosec because it really does the best job at acid control. So far I'm not having side effects from it, but we'll see if they occur over time. It may just be that I have to take a break for a few days every so often. I can handle that.

I'm hoping that this meds increase straightens me out, or at least gets me back to where I was at this time last year. Cautious optimism it is. Now I have enough energy to invest in hope.

what I'm wondering

People who don't have chronic diseases, who don't have to take medications or they'll die, who don't have to deal with one bodily system after another going wonky on them -- what's that like?

What's it like not having to be careful how you move or lift or bend, so that shooting pains don't run up and down various limbs? What's it like being able to eat without wondering how sick it's going to make you feel later? What's it like being able to get up in the morning -- or let your stomach get empty at other times during the day -- without feeling like you're going to puke?

What's it like not having to take two dozens pills everyday, just to keep the cacophony down below 4 on the pain scale? What's it like being able to talk and swallow without feeling like there's something stuck in your throat? What's it like getting up in the morning without feeling as if you've been hit by a truck? What's it like to not be freezing all the time, and to not have skin so dry that your digits crack?

I don't remember what it's like. The hit-by-a-truck thing started in my early 20s, along with a whole alphabet of stuff that doesn't really bother me now (PCOS, IBS, TMD) but that made my college years miserable. (Well, the TMD reappeared but now I wear a splint to keep it under control.) That stuff is nothing compared to recurrent thyroid cancer and the current gastroparesis/reflux combination nightmare.

I'm thinking it must be awesome. Like, if you're feeling tired, you could sleep and when you wake up, you'd feel better, not just less sleepy.

I'm jealous, I admit it. On a daily basis, I literally ignore any RA- or fibromyalgia-related twinges, because they rarely register as anything more than twinges. The things that are bothering me the most right now are the poorly-controlled reflux and the resultant sore and lumpy-feeling throat. (I am perversely thrilled that the "rapid transit" problem I've been dealing with for the past few years has resolved, even though the resolution -- discontinuing Prilosec -- is contributing to the uncontrolled acid situation.)

I'm not consciously aware of it, but I realize that I expend a lot of energy on ignoring or managing these symptoms. Some days I just get tired of it, even though it's not stopping me from doing anything I want to do. OK, that's not really true, I've got a slight near-depression thing going on that's making everything a struggle, even though I am accomplishing things at a decent pace. I should be happier about those accomplishments, but it's like there's a gray pall cast over everything that's taking the glow off.

I really, really hope I can get my meds adjusted tomorrow. I think it could help a lot. I'm dreading the appointment because the last one did not go well and I don't think tomorrow's will, either. But I need help and I'm not sure where else to go for it, if my endo boots me to the curb for having the temerity to suggest, again, that she might consider mailing lab results to her patients instead of forcing them to schedule follow-up appointments.

No matter what happens it will be a relief to get the appointment over with, and to know where I stand with the endo. And no matter that this post makes it sound as if I'm barely functioning, nothing could be farther from the truth: I'm doing well enough that I can do a very good imitation of a healthy person, or a generally healthy person with a really sore throat. My gastroparesis isn't nearly as bad as I know it could be, and for that I'm thankful. I won't say "never been better" because that's clearly not true, but I'm OK. Really, I am.

busy week

... so far.

Worked Monday, then taught my RE class as usual; killer sore throat by the end of the day.

Tuesday (was that just yesterday?) errands in the morning, then the new curtains for the family room arrived, so I put them up. That entailed all sorts of climbing up and down the stepladder, but the room looks nicely finished now, especially since I finally put up all the family pictures over the weekend.

Tuesday night, I decided to tackle the dead monitor situation on the kids' computer. It had just stopped working a few days ago. I thought the monitor had died so I went out after supper and bought a new one. I fully expected to come home, plug it in, and be hailed as a hero in the morning, but it was not to be. After much switching around of monitors (and at least 2 hours' worth of looking for work-arounds and chatting with an HP technician), we determined that the monitor is in fact fine, it's the video card in the computer. That was disappointing, and time-consuming; I stayed up even later trying to find my transcript and failing.

I needed my transcript because this morning I met with the education advisor at Chandler-Gilbert Community College to see if I could do any coursework towards a teaching certificate there. Alas, I can't; they're just a community college and I'm a "post-bac" student. It's too bad, because they're only about 5 minutes away from here. It would've been very convenient. I spent a lot of time today looking into different programs at different schools around here, and believe I've found one, but I'll get to that eventually.

My research was interrupted by the appraiser; we're refinancing again to an equity accelerator mortgage. Even if the world goes nuts, we'll pay off our mortgage in about 11 years, which is pretty awesome.

Today I slugged through all my medical records and put them in order, and then went through them all and recorded my TSH and other thyroid levels on a worksheet that we've been recommending to our thyca patients for years now. As I suspected, my TSH has generally been between 0.05 and 0.07. But since I started tinkering with my meds, it hasn't been lower than 0.09, where it is now. I think I spent 2 hours on paperwork today.

It doesn't seem like much written out like this but most of it has been a struggle. My throat hurts all the time and I spend about 40% of my time feeling nauseated or bloated. I'm hoping I can get an increase in my thyroid meds to see whether or not it affects the gastroparesis. I'll find out tomorrow.

records check

Yesterday I saw my ENT, today I saw my endo. Between those two appointments and a recorded message, I have a whole bunch of tests results, because my ENT had all my test results from my g/e doc, and kindly gave me copies.

So, here's the rundown, chronologically.

November 20: Gastric Emptying Study. This is where I had to eat a radioactive hard-boiled egg and then lie on a scanner bed for 90 minutes while they watched the radioactive tracer leave my stomach. Only it didn't: "FINDINGS: Over the course of the examination, for the entirety of 90 minutes, there was relatively no emptying of radiotracer from the stomach." Impressions indicate gastroparesis or a gastric outlet obstruction, which explains why the EGD was ordered.

November 28: EGD, as previously discussed here. The EGD itself was unremarkable except for some redness, but now I have the biopsy results. The stomach samples showed "mild changes suggestive of a chemical gastropathy;" a "careful search" was made for H. pylori, and none was found. "Taken in aggregrate, the changes that are present are likely due to chemical or drug injury. There is no evidence of intestinal metaplasia or neoplasia." The esophageal biopsies were completely normal as well; no signs of Barrett's esophagus or any other pre-cancerous conditions. No signs of ulcers, either. This is all very good -- no obstructions or ulcers or pre-cancerous changes.

December 11: Video Stroboscopy
My right vocal fold and right arytenoid/TVF are slightly paralyzed (hypofunctioning), and this has caused other structures in my throat to hyperfunction to compensate. I've also got lumpy cricoid and arytenoid cartilage because of the gastric reflux. "Speech pathology services are recommended in conjunction with medical management to address the following: 1) vocal hygiene and hydration 2) laryngeal reposturing and relaxation 3) vocal function tasks 4) resonant treatment." Therapy recommended for 6-8 weeks, once a week; I'm scheduled to start Jan 30.

(This week in between tests I got DS1's horrid stomach virus, recovered, and went to Boston for the weekend.)

December 17: Air-contrast Upper GI - Small Bowel Series (fluoroscopy)
My reflux extends all the way up to the level of the carina (???), otherwise, I'm normal. Apparently, "to the level of the carina" is bad; the first thing my ENT said to me is "you have really extensive reflux," emphasis his. I thought we knew that already?

Jan 3: In to see the g/e doc, as discussed. So far, I am unimpressed by both Nexium and Aciphex, but Nexium works marginally better than Aciphex. Then again, I didn't drink about a quart of regular (that is, non-decaf) coffee accidentally when I was on the Nexium, so I don't know how it would've handled at. I got into a conversation about the new sugar free ("skinny") mocha at Starbucks and completely forgot to order it decaf. I didn't even realize my mistake until about an hour later when the jitters set in.

Jan 7: Labs drawn for complete blood count (CBC), liver function, and thyroid tests. I don't have the numbers for the CBC and liver functions yet, but I did get a call telling me everything was in normal range. I should get my copy of those tests early next week. I got my thyroid numbers today at the endo's. My TSH is 0.09, and it was the same back in November (11/19).

I had an ultrasound of my neck today, and will go back to my endo's office next Friday for my results, at which time I will beg for an increase in my meds. Historically, I've kept my TSH more suppressed than 0.09; I'm usually somewhere around 0.07, it seems to me. (I really have to get my records organized.) I don't know whether that slight difference in TSH can be causing or effecting the gastroparesis, but it's my first preference for treatment. I'd also like to not have freezing hands and feet all the time.

I know it's a teeny, tiny difference, but my TSH hasn't been down in the basement where it belongs for quite a while, and I'm hoping that bumping up the meds can resolve the gastroparesis and that the reflux will calm down.

that didn't take long

On Thursday, I got a prescription for Reglan to help with my gastroparesis. I started it Thursday evening and took the prescribed 4 doses on Friday... and could barely keep my head up.

Thursday I was tired anyway, having been up stupid-late the night before. So Thursday night I went to bed at a decent hour and got plenty of sleep, and still Friday I was like a zombie. A zombie with bizarre emotional reactions, like laughing too long at something that would ordinarily merit a smile or at the most a chuckle.

Needless to say, I quit taking the stuff.

Yesterday's research brought me to a support forum where there was plenty of discussion of gastroparesis, Reglan, and all that jazz. I'd say the majority of people who talked about trying Reglan couldn't deal with the side effects, but some were helped by Domperidone, with fewer side effects.

Gastroparesis is caused either by damage to the vagus nerve*, or by a problem with the muscles that control the stomach's normal churning motions. Many cases are idiopathic, but hypothyroidism is linked to the condition. I even found an abstract that demonstrated that thyca patients who go hypo (become extremely hypothyroid) for their whole body scans develop gastroparesis during their hypo phase. I don't know why it took me so long to put these facts together, but I realized the following that may have something to do with my current condition:

1) I spent a good deal of time last year hypothyroid, because of the great med experiment in which I discontinued my Cytomel, and during which my endocrinologist was strangely loathe to increase my Levoxyl.
2) I had a Thyrogen-stimulated whole body scan in August. It's true that I did not become systemically hypothyroid, but my TSH was outrageous (159!), and I felt off for a while after that. So off, as a matter of fact, that I finally went back on my old Cytomel+Levoxyl regimen in early September.
3) I have no idea what my levels are, since I have yet to see my November thyroid panel results which were run to see how the return to the old regimen was suiting me. For all I know, I've been hypo this whole time. There have certainly been times when I've felt hypo -- cold all the time, skin drier than paper, funky hypo half-brows -- but I'm generally not fatigued, nor am I depressed or brain-fogged... that I've noticed, even though there has been a lot of stress lately.

I'm going tomorrow for bloodwork -- a thyroid panel from my endo, and complete blood work from my g/e doc -- so we'll get a look at what's really going on there. I'm actually seeing my endocrinologist on Friday, and I'm curious as to what my numbers look like, I haven't seen them since August. (She's an idiot about releasing them to her patients through the mail.)

I'm hopeful that the gastropareris is a result of being slightly hypo for many months, and that perhaps it can resolve on its own if I can tweak my levels appropriately.

---
* I could also have sustained damage to my vagus nerve during my surgeries; I know that I sustained some damage to my recurrent laryngeal nerve, which is a branch of the vagus. I really don't want to think about that, but it's something I'll discuss with my ENT when I see him on Thursday.

on the last day of Christmas

Low carb & sugar free, except for the white chocolate "ornaments"

I made a Christmas Tree cake to celebrate Epiphany, and to close out the kids' school vacation in style.

The cake itself is the ever-popular chocolate banana cake, with the same frosting mentioned in the column -- 8 ounces of cream cheese, softened, whipped with about 2T of sugar free vanilla syrup, folded into about a cup and a half of heavy cream, whipped separately with another couple of tablespoons of sf syrup. I added a tablespoon of dried egg whites to the frosting this time to see if it would stabilize it; it tends to evaporate overnight in the refrigerator. I used a ton of green food coloring but still the color came out that pale mint green, but the flavor and texture were excellent, and nicely set off the dense chocolate banana cake.

Trimmings were about 1/4 cup unsweetened coconut in a ziploc bag with a drizzle of sf syrup and 8 drops of liquid food coloring, followed by shaking like mad to distribute the color and sweetener evenly.

I used a teaspoon to trim the tree, and then dotted the white chocolate chips around for the ornaments.

We ate about a third of it after dinner. DD, who was over at a friend's house for most of the day, was completely enchanted with the cake when she came home. She finished her salad in record time so she wouldn't "have to wait forever to have some Christmas tree cake!" For the first time in recorded history, she finished dinner first.

It worked out perfectly having this now. We've eaten our way through all the Christmas treats and sweets. If I had made the cake for Christmas day, it would have been lost in the shuffle. Having it now made today special. The kids have already asked if we can do this again next year; I think it would make a lovely family tradition. I'm already looking forward to making a lamb cake at Easter.

I'll try it, but I have my doubts

I saw the doctor today, and now have a diagnosis: my stomach doesn't empty properly. The doctor thinks I had an infection at some point and that led to this problem, technically called gastroparesis. It usually hits diabetics and some cancer patients, but there is a tiny percentage of people who get it following an infection, including, apparently, me.

I'm on a new drug to treat it, Reglan. The list of side effects (including dizziness, drowsiness, depression, suicidal ideation) is scary -- obviously I will have to pay attention to these things. If the dizzy/drowsy thing happens, I simply can't take it, because, you know, I have a life and it's not as if I can just give up driving.

Reglan, or metoclopramide, crosses the blood-brain barrier which is why it can cause these screwy side-effects. There's a drug available in Canada, Domperidone, that has much the same effect, but doesn't cross the barrier, and so has far fewer side effects. The only problem is, the FDA hasn't approved it -- and my g/e doc has no idea why they haven't. Apparently it's not difficult to get, though.

DH is highly skeptical that this is going to work: Oh, so you'll just go on this medication for 3 months and then you'll be fine? Right. I can see his point. I'm also concerned about the side effects, always thinking about that cost-v-benefit equation. How much is this really going to help to stop my acid reflux? The doctor suspects some muscle weakness in the ring muscle at the top of my stomach, but it's a chicken/egg situation: the slow emptying is stressing the ring muscle, so if the emptying improves, maybe the muscle can get better and that will help, too.

Possibly the worst thing about this new drug is that I'm supposed to take it 30 minutes before I eat, 3 times a day. I do not eat on anything even remotely like a schedule, and now I'm supposed to figure out when I'm eating, subtract 30 minutes from that, and remember to take this stuff? Breakfast and supper shouldn't be too difficult, but lunch is always going to be a problem. At least it doesn't interfere with any other medications or supplements (at least not the ones I'm taking.)

In the meantime, I've got two different acid-blockers to try out as well. This is going to take a little while to figure out. I took one at dinner and felt a little spacy, but I had been feeling exhausted all day. Am I just tired, or is it the new meds? We'll see what happens tomorrow.

wrapping up

I managed to get quite a bit of stuff done around the house before DH came home on the first. The kids have been terrific, with today being the first day we've had any kind of a spat -- I think DS2 has had too much vacation, and too little sleep. Just a few more days, and then it's back to the grind. This has been a lovely interlude, even including the occasional child's freakout.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Dr. G, my gastroenterologist, about all those tests he ordered. I haven't taken the Questran in a few weeks now, and haven't needed it; we'll see how I do once I'm not taking the post-op Cipro that I completed today. I'm holding out hope that whatever the problems were, they were caused by the medications, even though I know I had a real problem (acid reflux) which is what started the whole thing going anyway. I will admit to being quite nervous about this appointment, because something is going on with my weight, I'm eating ridiculously and holding steady at about 136 pounds. I like this weight, but I wonder what would happen if I stopped eating all the junk I've been indulging in. Usually after a stomach virus, your weight bounces right back up, but mine hasn't, and that is making me somewhat agitated even though it is a small weight loss (about 7 pounds).

Next week I see both Dr. O, my ENT, and Dr. R, my endocrinologist. The ENT appointment is my last follow-up on the septoplasty and turbinate reduction, which has gone very well, I'd say. My front teeth are still killing me from time to time (not enough for me to want to medicate even with ibuprofen), but at least I can breathe through my nose, all the time. It's a miracle! But we will also discuss what is to be done about the results of the video stroboscopy, which showed deformities of my cricoid and arytenoid cartilage in my esophagus. I have no idea what caused that (reflux? compensating for the nerve damage from my surgery?) and no idea what can be done to correct it. I will probably end up in voice therapy for a few weeks because apparently I have a horrible posture (!) and am doing bad things, voice-wise; who knew? Well, physical therapy has always helped me and this should, too, since my throat gets very sore by the end of the day. It will be nice to know what's going on in there.

The endo appointment, I have no idea what's going to happen. She's rather intractable about an important issue, namely, releasing copies of lab and other test results by mail or over the phone. She insists that everyone come in to get them, which is ridiculous for routine follow-ups requiring no further treatment or intervention. I have the feeling I may be booted from her practice because I keep bringing this up. It would really be too bad, but I frankly don't want to have to deal with driving 45-60 minutes and spending $50 just to sit there for a half an hour until I can get a photocopy of my perfectly fine lab results. It's stupid. I'm curious to see what my thyroid panel looks like, though, since my skin is ridiculously dry but I'm not having any other hypo symptoms. It's weird, and possibly related to my recent experiment with discontinuing my supplements and then adding them back in over time to see how they affect me. So far, the effects on my digestion have been excellent -- no Prilosec, no need for Questran! -- but my RA is flaring slightly, everything feels a bit stiff, and as I said, my skin is incredibly dry in spite of a real effort to stay more hydrated and ridiculous quantities of lotions, balms, etc applied in effort to keep me from cracking and peeling into oblivion.

The dry skin is annoying, but I'm dealing with it, just as I'll deal with whatever the g/e doc says tomorrow. I dread him saying that the tests are inconclusive, just as I dread him saying it's something serious -- how serious could it be, after all? I'm not sick!

There's no point in this kind of anxiety-building speculation, but I always do it anyway. I don't even have any guesses this time. I was hoping for H. pylori, which has a relatively easy treatment, but I think if it was that, I would've been treated for it already. (If it turns out to be H. pylori, I will definitely scold him for waiting so long to tell me.) I have to remind myself, it's not always bad news. Really, it's not.

splint-free!

A week ago, I had a septoplasty and turbinate reduction surgery.

Today, I got the splints removed from my nose -- huzzah! It was an odd but not painful process. The splints are semi-rigid plastic, and about 3 inches long, so it felt weird when the doctor drew them out, but as I said, it didn't hurt.

Mine weren't blue, but they were at least 3 inches long and held in place by a stitch, just as these are. It doesn't seem as if all that should be able to fit into a nose, does it? (Image from Wikipedia)

Now I can breathe quite easily through my nose, although when I do, it feels as if the entire inside of my skull is filling up with air. It was cool out today, only about 55 degrees, and walking out of the building afterwards was painful, getting all that cold air up my snoot. I'm sure these extra-sensitive reactions will moderate with time.

While I was there, I asked my ENT about the painful upper jaw/front teeth I experienced, and he said that was common with septoplasty. It would have been nice if anyone had ever mentioned that, hmmm? I do like to know what to expect. It was not an issue with the intubation. I asked about the anesthesiologist's difficulties with intubating me, and the ENT said he didn't remark anything at the time, but would follow up with the other doctor. It's entirely possible that the anesthesiologist was just checking on me because he had such a tough time getting the IV in and wanted to make sure I wasn't in agony or anything, and I just misunderstood in my post-op drug haze.

I go back in two weeks for another follow-up, and to discuss what to do about the enlarged arytenoid cartilage that's making swallowing so problematic. For now I'll just continue with the saline nasal spray, and set up the cool mist humidifier (if I can figure it out, that's usually DH's job) so I don't become completely parched overnight.

It's so lovely not having those things in my face anymore.

day 6/Christmas report

Tomorrow afternoon I get the splints out. I know it will be a brief, uncomfortable process, but I'm hoping I will be able to breathe through my nose without whistling when it's over.

The first day I really felt "normal" (as if) was Monday, because my mouth finally stopped killing me so. Even now I get the occasional twinge, but it's nothing compared to what it had been. Sunday, DH and I went out mid-day to finish up shopping and have a lunch date while Mom stayed with the kids. It was lovely, but it exhausted me.

Monday, last minute stuff (can't believe what I forgot), and then four hours in the kitchen prepping Christmas dinner. We went to the 4PM Mass, and then out for a nice (if noisy) dinner. After dinner, the kids watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas followed by Olive the Other Reindeer.

Awaiting discovery

Tuesday, Christmas day, was a lovely, easy day: opened presents, made a big breakfast (only nearly burnt the bacon), got the turkey in the oven on time, and dinner on the table as scheduled.

After this, I'm totally sold on brining. It tastes as good as it looks.

Our first family dinner in the dining room... ever.

DH harvested and juiced a mess of oranges from our tree, and we had fantastic mimosas. The kids are thrilled with their new Wii, and DS2 was in Lego Star Wars heaven. DS1 was a bit miffed that he didn't get any Legos, but since he hasn't shown the slightest interest in anything Lego in months, I'm pretty sure that's not justified. He made do playing with his brother's.

Got up early this morning to take DH to the airport; he'll be back East with his family and return on the first. His father is doing so much better, it's a huge relief. I wish DH could be in two places at once -- it's so important for him to see his dad, but it's a drag that he's missing so much of his vacation time with the kids (he has to take this week off). So, tired and somewhat grumpy, we stumbled through today: shopping early this morning (both boys bought more Star Wars Legos with their Christmas loot); a quick lunch out, and then National Treasure 2 this afternoon. NS2 represents perfectly the kind of movie that critics hate that make a ton of money: there's nothing terribly wrong with it. It's silly, but it has a goofy charm, and you know it's going to have a happy ending. You can't examine the motivations (or actions) of the bad guy very closely because they won't withstand any scrutiny at all, but so what? It was a pleasant diversion on an afternoon when none of us had any energy to do anything else, and if we had all stayed home, the kids probably would've been bickering.

Anyway, the nose: the worst problem I'm having is stuffiness, which inhibits nose-breathing. Mouth-breathing is a huge problem for me, my gums are a mess because my mouth is so dry lately. When I breathe through my nose, it's noisy even when I'm getting enough air. I'm still blowing blood-tinged goo out from time to time, but nothing worrisome to me, and irrigation with the saline nasal spray is pretty good at getting that stuff out until I fill up with gunk again.

It's still too soon to tell whether or not this will have any benefit, but at least I'm feeling much more like my usual self.

post-op day 2

The nose goo has just about stopped, and I have been able to breathe through my nose for most of the day. It's kind of a drag to be dabbing with a tissue off and on all day, but it's still way better than having to wear the drip pads under my nose.

I googled around to see what other's septoplasty recoveries have been like, and no one has mentioned having sore teeth. I think my mouth is killing me because of the difficulties they had intubating me. Whatever caused it, the mouth issues are worse than the nose issues by far. The nose doesn't hurt much at all, although the splints do make me sneeze from time to time.

I noticed today that my sense of smell seems more sensitive, even though I'm breathing through yuck. That's a relief.

I slept well until about 4:30AM when my pain meds wore off, as they have been, after about 5 hours. I don't think taking more an hour early for a few days is going to kill me (it's just extra strength Tylenol) and it helps a lot. The idea of taking Vicodin is abhorrent to me. Yes, it works on the pain, but it makes me incapable of coherent thought, and worse, it means I can't drive. No driving two days before Christmas? I don't think so.

It was really stupid to do this so close to the holiday. I was still able to enjoy the production of A Christmas Carol we saw at the Herberger Theater today, but it would've been a lot nicer if my nose wasn't slowly dripping and my mouth wasn't throbbing. [For the record: it was a delightful production, but I prefer the Hale Theater's production, which was more intimate, and featured beautiful caroling throughout.]

last weekend

Just a bit out of the ordinary.

beautiful sunrise, NJ

snow everywhere!

I flew into Boston on the red-eye Friday night; finally arrived after a 2 hour equipment delay in Newark.

Why? A very special occasion.



It was a surprise party; (nearly) everyone was there, and we all, true to form, did not care one bit how silly we looked on the dance floor. It was awesome.

I got all my sisters with me...

It was a very short, very fun weekend, spent with my family, a gift for both my sister and me.

Getting home Sunday could've been a disaster but wasn't. I arrived home two hours earlier than I had originally scheduled, in spite of a horrendous storm. It all worked out, somehow: I was where I needed to be and made it on the last plane to Houston, and made a connecting flight to Phoenix thirty minutes later.


Surreal, and fantastic.

post-op day 1

Not a great day.

I feel like I have a very bad cold, chiefly because 1) my nose has been dripping all day long and 2) for most of the day, I've been mouth-breathing.

My front teeth and surrounding tissue continue very sore, and I noticed that I have bruises on both my upper and lower lip on the left side. My throat is very sore and swallowing is difficult. I've been sipping hot tea through a straw all day; it helps.

Pain-wise: the nose is uncomfortable, but not excruciating; I'm still on just the extra-strength Tylenol. For much of the day, I would say there was no pain at all. The splints do feel weird, though, and have set me off sneezing several times. Sneezing is not a problem at all, although it does tend to set off more bleeding/discharge.

For most of the day, the discharge has been pinkish, more lymph than blood, and it is definitely slowing. I dislike the feeling of constant wet under my nose, and dislike that I tear up spontaneously (usually around sneezing fits) -- it feels as if my entire face is filling up, and tears leak out. It's weird because for the most part, I can breathe through my nose, I just forget to -- the drip pad placement is key. It has to catch the goop but not block the airflow.

Finally heard back from my ENT's office, and got the go-ahead to just use OTC saline nasal spray for my irrigation. It helps.

I feel like whining but don't, what would be the point? I just have to get through this. The timing is horrible. I want to be enjoying Christmas-y things and can't. I find this all incredibly annoying, specifically because it's self-inflicted. I didn't want to do this and now I'm miserable, but it's not like I can undo it!

I'll feel better tomorrow, and eventually say "yes, it was worth it," when I don't have chronic sinus infections anymore. Right?

I just wish my damn teeth weren't hurting so much.

11 hours ago

I got out of surgery. I whined about going, but I went anyway. While we were waiting for them to call me back, I told DH that if I had the car keys, I would've bolted, but I stayed put.

The pre-op was the most miserable I've ever had, as it took the anesthesiologist four tries to finally stick a vein that didn't collapse or blow out on him. The nurse took a look at my arms and wouldn't even attempt it. The doc hit a vein every time, but they kept failing -- even the one in my hand that is like Old Reliable. That was weird. Usually once the vein is stuck, it behaves itself. I've been off all my supplements for almost two weeks now -- perhaps my lack of EFAs has something to do with it. Anyway, each stick hurt very much, and the doc was apologetic, warning me with each stick: "A lot of pain here, sorry," as he shoved the thing into my arm. He finally got one in my right forearm -- if that one failed, he was going to try the veins in my feet. So far, I've managed to avoid that horror.

The surgery itself went well; I'm not packed, but I do have splints in my nose that will need to come out next week. I have been wearing "drip pads" since I came out; a small wad of gauze pads to catch the oozing (blood) from my nose. It's held on with strip that I suspect was cut from a surgical mask. The elastic isn't very tight but even so, I don't like having anything around my head and behind my ears for so many consecutive hours. The blood flow was pretty steady for the first few hours but tapered off this afternoon. I'm hoping it will stop altogether tomorrow.

I took a Vicodin when DH brought them home, but since then I've been just on extra-strength Tylenol. I don't like that spacy feeling that Vicodin gives me, and the pain is very manageable, so far.

As usual, some incidental insult is giving me more trouble than the surgery itself. The stroboscopy last week showed I have some enlargement of the cartilaginous structures at the top of my throat, which explains the lumpy feeling and my difficulty swallowing. (Apparently, this is the result of compensating for the nerve damage from my cancer surgeries.) They had a lot of trouble intubating me for the surgery, and my throat is killing me. In addition, my front teeth are sore and the tissue just behind them is very tender, like I ate pizza right out of the oven and the mozzarella stuck to the roof of my mouth. (I resent greatly feeling like I have pizza burn without the compensating pleasure of eating hot, fresh pizza.)

Mouth-breathing about two-thirds of the time isn't helping, either. I can breathe through my nose, it's just having the gauze there makes me think I shouldn't.

So far I don't have black eyes and external swelling is minimal if at all present, so that's cool. Of course I look weird because I have this bloody wad of gauze under my nose, but it could be a lot worse. The only real hassle is, I have instructions for nasal irrigation, with specific directions for how to clean the device, but I didn't get a device, and no one told me what device I need, or when to start the irrigation. I think it's a safe bet that I shouldn't irrigate until the bleeding stops, but still, it's annoying. DH made a bunch of calls today, including one to the doctor's office, but we still don't have any answers. How annoying! I have to call tomorrow to make my follow-up appointment to get the splints removed, so I hope to get answers to these questions then.

Mom took good care of me and fed me soup and tea, and made dinner for the family while I slept. She made brownies while I was in surgery, and the kids are enjoying them so much. Tomorrow they have just a half-day of school, and then it's winter break. They're as ready for a break as I am, and won't mind a few days of lounging around while I recover. I hope!

9 minutes

I have until midnight to eat or drink, then it's "nothing by mouth" until after my procedures tomorrow. Which procedures might those be? Why, the long-awaited septoplasty and turbinate reduction.

I am feeling like such an idiot, scheduling these things so close to Christmas. It's not as if I'm idle these days.

So, drinking the last of my tea, and gearing up to wrap and label the quick breads I've baked for the kids' teachers (this year, banana bread, cranberry blueberry bread, and lemon yogurt bread.) Then I have to see if I can find DS2's mittens, because he has a field trip to Polar Ice tomorrow, and the word is that they will have snow to play in.

I will be so happy when the surgery is over, no matter how miserable I am. The anticipation of it has been killing me.

one thing

Lots going on, lots to write about, but no time to do it in. So here's one thing just to keep my hand in, here.

This game:

is fantastic. It was recommended by a clerk at my local Border's, and I bought it to play at my religious ed class's Christmas party. It's such a small class that we can do things like that -- and we all had a great time. Last night, the entire family played it and it was a blast.

The game moves quickly, power rotates by turns, and there are many, many opportunities for laughter. There are so many cards and combinations that the odds of running into the same pairs more than once are vanishingly small. The rules are so simple you can explain them in 30 seconds, and the mechanics of play couldn't be easier, either.

Apples to Apples, a great game for everyone. There are different versions; I got the "junior" version for ages 9 and up, but it worked fine for us adults. Families with older kids might want to go for the adult edition, and those with really little ones might want to go with the kids one. For elementary school children (readers), the junior edition is perfect.

better

Not 100%, but after the minor angst-fest last night, it was very nice to be able to eat breakfast this morning and not end up doubled over in pain.

Today: Christmas shopping insanity; there's less than 2 weeks left and I have to get my act together. You wouldn't think it would be so hard to find a coffee maker with a glass carafe that uses a cone filter, that isn't so flimsy I expect it to break on its third use, but that's turning out not to be the case. I think I'm a little obsessive about these details, sometimes.

things

Christmas is 2 weeks away and I am not even remotely ready. We don't have our tree up yet, we're waiting for DH to come home -- tomorrow! Yay. It has been a long almost-week without him.

The weather has been nasty: cold, rainy, ick. If I wanted to live like this, I'd move to Seattle. It's unusual for us to have this so many days in a row. I shouldn't complain because we need the rain (and northern AZ is just loving all this snow, they'll actually have a decent ski season this year), but I feel cold all the time and everything hurts.

That could, of course, be because I caught the boys' stomach virus (DS2, last Tues/Wed, DS1,Thurs/Fri), but if this is just a stomach bug it's a particularly nasty one, since it landed on me Saturday night with a vengeance and only showed slight improvement today. I called my g/e doc to find out whether or not my meds could be making it worse; it turns out that yes, taking 4x the usual dose of Prilosec can have nasty side effects. Things have been better since I stopped taking it, but I'm nowhere close to all better.

My father-in-law is in critical but stable condition, he is in a long process of recovering from the infection and surgeries he's had. At this point it's a question of diligence, making sure he doesn't develop any other opportunistic infections, etc. It's difficult because all we can do is wait, and pray.

Everything feels stretched out and oddly rushed at the same time. I wish I felt better. I wish I could believe I will feel better, soon, but I don't. Maybe this is all just stress and when DH comes home I'll be fine. I remember feeling exactly like this in my early 20s, everything I ate gave me a stomach ache, not one part of my digestive system worked right. It lasted for months on end. I don't even remember how I got over it, I just know I did. I don't want to go back to that particular circle of hell now, or ever.

It was stress, then, and it's probably stress now, even though I don't consciously feel stress, I know it doesn't work that way. It's one thing to have an adversarial relationship with food when you're basically cooking for yourself and your husband, it's another when you're supposed to be feeding the entire family. So much of family life centers around food, and today I could finally tolerate it.

I weighed 136 pounds this morning, which puts me down about 8 pounds since I started noticing my weight decreasing. I'm trying to keep up the fluids today and I'm finally not losing more than I'm putting in, so hopefully things will stabilize.

vent/rant

This... is kinda ugly.

Too many feelings right now -- spit 'em all out, hope they stay there.

First of all, it sucks when your kids get older and you develop a routine to keep things running, because you've got the time, you see, they're all in school -- and then one gets sick. Boy the Younger got sick at school early on Tuesday and was also out Wednesday, back to school on Thursday. Thursday, therefore, was going to be my run-errands day, since we were running out of milk and all.

But Thursday I was waiting for the laundry to finish so I could cycle it through when the phone rang, and Boy the Older was throwing up in the nurse's office. He was home Friday, too, obviously, and seemed fine, even ate breakfast and lunch. Didn't want to go out for our weekly Border's jaunt, but that was fine. Went to the 6PM Mass for the Immaculate Conception but didn't make it past the first reading, Boy was feeling nauseated again. He didn't actually throw up but he was clearly distressed and there was no point in trying to tough it out. Came home, felt frustrated. I've been trapped in this house for four consecutive days with no prospect of relief until Monday morning when, God willing, they will all be well enough for school. Who knows how long this stupid thing is going to cling to DS1. Oh, and we're completely out of milk.

Second: it's raining again. The windshield wipers on the van are toast, so we had to take DH's car to Mass. OK, not that big a deal, except his windshield wipers are terrible, too.

Third, and very stupid: Boy the Older put on sandals for church this evening. It's night time, he has a cold and is getting over a stomach virus, it's freaking raining, and he puts on sandals. If DH were here, he'd say it's just the Asperger's, but I don't know how I'm supposed to chalk that up to Asperger's when I specifically told the kid "put your shoes and socks on," and he just ignored me. Cold, wet feet in a kid that's not feeling too good to start out with? Oh, that's a great idea. [/sarcasm]

Fourth, back to that rain. It will rain all night, the tennis courts will be puddle central, but there will still be lessons because it will have stopped raining 15 minutes prior to lessons starting. We're supposed to be on our third week and I've yet to have a lesson. I'm rethinking the wisdom of early morning lessons in the cold and damp when my RA has decided to kick up. I'm not exactly in a flare, but I'm not loving this weather. My hands hurt enough for me to notice that they're hurting, which is about a 4 on the pain scale. It comes and goes, but it's odd for them to be hurting at night like this. Don't like it.

Fifth: Tennis lessons -- I'm supposed to have mine at 9AM, as is Boy the Younger. Girl and Boy the Older have their lessons at 10AM, and the tennis center folks said it would be OK if they waited in the center during my lesson, until their lesson starts, since DH is away. But if Boy the Older is still feeling pukey, what am I supposed to do? I honestly don't know how to handle it. I'm sincerely hoping it keeps raining so I don't have to do anything, they'll just add another week at the end.

Sixth: Similarly, karate: all the kids missed last week, so they're supposed to do two classes tomorrow to make up. That would be a nice little window, 1:15-2:45, I could get some stuff done -- but again, I don't know what's going on with Sick Boy. And it's really, really annoying that Sick Boy is well enough to play all sorts of video games and sit at the computer watching videos and what not, but is not well enough to sit in church. I am not blaming the kid, I do not think he's faking, and I know how you can be fine as long as you're not asked to move too much, but once you move you feel really gross. I'm sure that's what he's going through, and I feel bad for him. But it's still really annoying. If either he or his brother were sick enough to, you know, stay in bed and sleep, I wouldn't have this skin-crawling feeling that I've spent too much time around people and need to be alone for more than 5 minutes I spend in the bathroom.

Seventh: I've lost about 5 pounds without even trying. I've lost 5 pounds eating anything I want to eat, whenever I want to eat it. I ate about 30 TJ's crispy chocolate chip cookies (not an exaggeration) right before bed a few nights ago, and my weight still went down. My appetite is off and on, though, so I'm probably not eating as much overall as I normally do. That said, I had been trying to lose 5-10 pounds since we got home from our summer vacation, and that weight would not budge. So, what changed? I don't know, but it's weird that I can lose weight and still be eating carbs the way I have been these past few weeks. Anyway, I have no word from the g/e doc on the egd biopsies, so I guess I can assume it's nothing serious although I hate to assume anything. I won't see him until next year. I want to know what's wrong with me, and I want it to be something fixable. (Ha!)

Eighth: My throat is killing me -- I'd say at least a 5, I'm conscious of it all the time, but it doesn't look like strep (no redness, no spots, no white patches), and I don't even have a post-nasal drip. Or maybe I do and I'm just not noticing it, I don't know. But I do have blocked ears again, and I've had three instances of dizzyness over the past few days. Definitely blocked ears. Surgery which I hope will fix all that is on Dec 20. Is the throat related to the head stuff or the stomach stuff? I don't know, but it's a pretty good bet it's related to the stomach stuff, even though the egd showed a normal esophagus. It is very wearing to have a constant pain like that. It hurts to talk, and it hurts more to project my voice. Which means when I barked at the sick boy for wearing sandals to church at night in December in the rain, I just made my throat hurt more. Between the pain and all these frustrations, I just wanted to cry.

Ninth: Sleep is difficult when you're listening for 1) a puking kid and 2) the phone to ring with bad news. I'm sure I could feel better and more resilient to handling all this stuff if I could just sleep, maybe tonight will be better. I'm not expecting any more puking, and the last word on my father-in-law was quite positive (relatively speaking), so maybe I can relax a bit.

Tenth: I miss my husband. I can handle being alone, but this is a particularly difficult time. I wish I was with him. I know he's OK but it's not vanity on my part to think that he would be better with me; we support each other. God willing he will be home soon enough.

one mystery solved

Here in the greater Phoenix (AZ) area, all sorts of chaos results on the roads whenever it rains. You'd think that no one had ever driven in rain before. If everyone had been born here, that might be true, but since a huge percentage of the Phoenix population is transplanted from places where it rains a lot, that can't be the explanation.

Nor can it be explained by everyone who has moved here from rainier locales suddenly forgetting everything they ever learned about driving in the rain. Nope.

However, I think I have found at least one explanation: decrepit windshield wipers. Seeing is integral to driving, after all.

Last week, on the way home from Border's with the kids, the driver's side wiper blade on the van came partially detached and was flapping around uselessly the last few miles home. Fortunately it wasn't raining very hard. This evening, I was driving DH's car and the wipers are positively horrible. They drag and squeak and generally leave the windshield worse off than it was.

The thing is, you can easily go four, even six, months here without ever using those wipers. And all that time, they're out there, baking in the sun, the rubber taking on the properties of a hockey puck. The wiper blades become either useless or a road hazard, if not both. And you never notice, because it's 100 degrees and sunny for 65 days in a row, and for the next 42 days it's somewhere between 106 and 115, and even if it were to rain on those days, the water would evaporate into the air before it hit your car, so you wouldn't need the wipers anyway. Then you have about another 12-15 weeks with the temperature flirting with 100, and then, maybe you'll get some rain. The last time you needed windshield wipers was April, and here it is November or December.

People who live in places with regular precipitation don't need to be reminded, but I sure do: check your wiper blades, once a month or so. You'll be happy the next time it rains and you can see. Now if only I could somehow remember to actually do it.

waiting for the call

DH is en route to the East Coast, his father is critically ill. The litany of physical failures the poor man has suffered over the past two weeks has little to do with his current condition. The stroke was very slight, the heart attack was so minor it left no damage at all on the heart muscle itself. The coronary arteries were not as blocked as they thought, and so a double-bypass operation only was needed, versus the quadruple the doctors had thought.

All of that should have led to a good prognosis, except after the angiogram, he developed a C. difficile infection. He was treated and was deemed well enough for the coronary bypass surgery, but pretty much immediately afterwards, the C. difficile roared back; he was in surgery again this morning for a colectomy, it was that serious.

The latest news from about 4 hours ago was that he was no better but no worse; on 100% oxygen but his blood oxygen was still too low; blood pressure practically non-existent, and fluids leaking somewhere internally, with the possibility of opening him up again to relieve pressure and fix the leaks. He has been intubated since Tuesday afternoon, having already endured a colonoscopy, with an abdominal CT scan still to come -- they had to restrain his hands so he wouldn't pull the tube out. (I remember my own father trying to do the same; remembering, it feels like someone squeezing my heart.) But since the surgery this morning he has been sedated, and they will keep him under until he's turned one corner or the other.

It doesn't feel real at all.

I have that fussy, fidgety feeling that I should be doing something to help, but there is literally nothing I can do except pray, and I'm already doing that.

Praying, and waiting, and holding down the fort until DH comes home again, or we get called out there.

7AM Update: Some improvement over night; they've taken him off some of the very strong, last-ditch-effort drugs. More praying, more waiting.

should women marry?

Here's the meat of a lengthy comment I left at Dr. Helen's, in response to the question, Should women marry?

I think most people, men and women, are happier in good marriages, so yes, women should get married.

My advice for those considering marriage seriously is to make sure that you and your partner are in sync on the 3 big Fs: faith, family, and finances.

Faith: it doesn't matter what religion you belong to, if any, or how observant you are, if at all -- what matters is that you are compatible in your attitudes towards belief and practice. If you are not morally compatible, the marriage will be on rocky grounds.

Family: this is a two-parter. First, your own family (as soon as you get married, you are a new family). Are you going to have children? When? How many? Obviously the plan may not survive reality -- once children enter the picture, you may decide to have more, or fewer, than you originally intended, or other situations may come up that cause you to change your plans. But you need to talk about these things before hand. You can't get married expecting to have 2 kids and suddenly find out your husband doesn't want any, or doesn't want any for 10 years.

The second part of "family" has to do with the extended families, yours and his. Watch how your potential spouse interacts with his or her family, and you'll get a good idea of how things will settle in at your own household. Particularly watch the relationship between mothers and sons, that can be an indicator of a how a man will treat his wife. It's also important to negotiate how often you'll see relatives, and where you'll go for the holidays. You'd be surprised how many people have huge problems in their marriages over the pressures that their extended families put on them.

The last F is finances: don't just assume everything is OK, get married, and find out that he (or she) has thousands of dollars of credit card debt and student loans in arrears. You need to disclose all your debts. You need to understand your mate's job stability situation, and their potential for growth in income. If it's just you, you can do what you want and no one else cares, but if someone else is relying on you for a share of the household expenses, you can't just quit your job in a huff. Speaking of shared household expenses -- figure that out, too. I know a lot of couples have separate checking accounts and credit cards and divvy everything up, but I have never understood that, particularly if one member is only working part-time or is at home taking care of children. I think keeping finances separate creates an artificial division in the family and an opportunity for conflict -- it is very easy for someone to think that their spouse is being sneaky about how he or she is spending his or her money. If it's all in one account, there is complete transparency. Of course that makes it harder to surprise someone with gifts, but is that really such a big deal?

Before my husband and I got married 13 years ago, we had pre-nuptial counseling through my church. One of the exercises we did together had us rate a list of about 100 things as either necessary, useful, desirable, or a luxury. The list covered all sorts of things, like owning a house, buying new clothes every season, going out for dinner frequently, etc -- pretty much anything you could spend money on. It was an excellent springboard for discussion. My husband at the time said a computer at home was necessary, whereas I thought it was a luxury; he was ahead of his time and was already keeping all of his finances in the computer. The point was to highlight the differences and get us to talk about them. Plus, seeing on paper the things that were most important (necessary) helps you to figure out how and where you're going to be spending your money together.

If there are tremendous differences in your two lists, you'll have a lot of conflict; do you have what it takes to negotiate through them all? Does it make sense for you to be together, if your priorities are so different?

I think using the 3Fs and the necessary/useful list are good ways to determine fundamental compatibility.

Torchwood 1.13: End of Days

Following the new Doctor Who's tradition of ending each season with a cataclysmic event, "End of Days" brings Torchwood's premier run to a mostly satisfying conclusion. I could fault writer Chris Chibnall for eliding far too many important details, but there's no need for such a tedious reckoning. What he has given us is an enjoyable combination of characters, alien technology, and an unknowable so far outside our understanding that we want to label it supernatural. Desperate love wreaks havoc, but simple faith can (apparently) repair all.

Read the rest at The House Next Door.

how to buy a Wii at retail price

Elusive quarry, finally bagged

Today I achieved what had seemed impossible: I bought a Nintendo Wii, and I paid $249.83 plus tax for it. With a little luck, flexibility, and determination, you might be able to score one, too.

Despite what some people are reporting ("The stores are sold out until January or February!"), stores are getting deliveries of Wiis. They are just not getting enough to keep them in stock, or even on the shelf, for very long. The typical shipment appears to be about 25-30 units, and reports I have from different retailers is that they usually last about 30-60 minutes once they hit the shelf. Timing is very important if you want to snag a unit.

Deliveries can come in any day of the week. Wiis are delivered by private carrier, not in the usual store inventory trucks; some stores get this type of delivery twice a day.

First, make a list of all of the retailers in your area that carry Wiis. For each store, note the phone number and the time when they open. Here
are the store locator pages for some of the most popular big-box retailers:

Best Buy

Circuit City

Costco (membership required)

Fry's Electronics

Sam's Club (membership required)

Target

Wal-Mart

Limit the list to stores you can physically get to within 10 or 15 minutes. It's not going to help you to know that a Target 50 miles away just got some in; by the time you get there, they'll be gone. You may have one list to call from home and another to call from work. Just keep travel time minimized and you won't waste your time calling stores you're not likely to reach quickly enough.

Once you've got your list, call each store as soon as they open, first thing in the morning - every day. Since some stores open at 8:00AM (Targets hereabouts) and others open at 10:00AM (Best Buy), you'll have to call at different times of the day. Enlisting other family members can speed up the calling process.

There is no need to ask for the electronics or video department, the store operators all know whether or not they have Wiis in stock. Each phone call takes about 30 seconds: Do you have any Nintendo Wiis in stock today? Be polite when they say "no," say "thank you," hang up, and dial the next number.

Keep calling until someone says "yes," then jump in your car, go to the store, and snatch one up before they're gone.

Call every store, every day.

Additional notes: it's worth it to check in with the guys in the video game department (whatever it's called) to see if shipments come in more than once a day, and to ask them if there is a good time to call. My local Wal-Mart told me the best times to call are 10AM and 3PM. The guys at Best Buy said they might not have them at store opening time, but around 11AM or so they would be delivered. It varies from store to store.

Warehouse clubs like Sam's and Costco open early for business members. My husband and I have a small business membership, so I was able to take advantage of the earlier hours. It's a good thing, too, because by the time I got there, only 6 of their shipment of 25 were left. I saw one business buyer with about 10 in her cart, but this particular Sam's Club at least was not limiting purchases.

Deliveries seem random -- last week, Best Buy had them on Thursday, and my husband missed them by about an hour. If you're in a store, wander over to the video game desk and chat the guys up: do you know when they're coming in? What's the best time to call? Incorporate their advice into your call schedule.

Be persistent, and be willing to get to the store immediately as soon as you hear a "yes". Good luck!

fortunes

Opened in order (we had an extra cookie):

1. There may be a crisis looming. Be ready for it.

2. The path is getting easier from here on out. Luck is helping.

Do I get to choose?