vent/rant

This... is kinda ugly.

Too many feelings right now -- spit 'em all out, hope they stay there.

First of all, it sucks when your kids get older and you develop a routine to keep things running, because you've got the time, you see, they're all in school -- and then one gets sick. Boy the Younger got sick at school early on Tuesday and was also out Wednesday, back to school on Thursday. Thursday, therefore, was going to be my run-errands day, since we were running out of milk and all.

But Thursday I was waiting for the laundry to finish so I could cycle it through when the phone rang, and Boy the Older was throwing up in the nurse's office. He was home Friday, too, obviously, and seemed fine, even ate breakfast and lunch. Didn't want to go out for our weekly Border's jaunt, but that was fine. Went to the 6PM Mass for the Immaculate Conception but didn't make it past the first reading, Boy was feeling nauseated again. He didn't actually throw up but he was clearly distressed and there was no point in trying to tough it out. Came home, felt frustrated. I've been trapped in this house for four consecutive days with no prospect of relief until Monday morning when, God willing, they will all be well enough for school. Who knows how long this stupid thing is going to cling to DS1. Oh, and we're completely out of milk.

Second: it's raining again. The windshield wipers on the van are toast, so we had to take DH's car to Mass. OK, not that big a deal, except his windshield wipers are terrible, too.

Third, and very stupid: Boy the Older put on sandals for church this evening. It's night time, he has a cold and is getting over a stomach virus, it's freaking raining, and he puts on sandals. If DH were here, he'd say it's just the Asperger's, but I don't know how I'm supposed to chalk that up to Asperger's when I specifically told the kid "put your shoes and socks on," and he just ignored me. Cold, wet feet in a kid that's not feeling too good to start out with? Oh, that's a great idea. [/sarcasm]

Fourth, back to that rain. It will rain all night, the tennis courts will be puddle central, but there will still be lessons because it will have stopped raining 15 minutes prior to lessons starting. We're supposed to be on our third week and I've yet to have a lesson. I'm rethinking the wisdom of early morning lessons in the cold and damp when my RA has decided to kick up. I'm not exactly in a flare, but I'm not loving this weather. My hands hurt enough for me to notice that they're hurting, which is about a 4 on the pain scale. It comes and goes, but it's odd for them to be hurting at night like this. Don't like it.

Fifth: Tennis lessons -- I'm supposed to have mine at 9AM, as is Boy the Younger. Girl and Boy the Older have their lessons at 10AM, and the tennis center folks said it would be OK if they waited in the center during my lesson, until their lesson starts, since DH is away. But if Boy the Older is still feeling pukey, what am I supposed to do? I honestly don't know how to handle it. I'm sincerely hoping it keeps raining so I don't have to do anything, they'll just add another week at the end.

Sixth: Similarly, karate: all the kids missed last week, so they're supposed to do two classes tomorrow to make up. That would be a nice little window, 1:15-2:45, I could get some stuff done -- but again, I don't know what's going on with Sick Boy. And it's really, really annoying that Sick Boy is well enough to play all sorts of video games and sit at the computer watching videos and what not, but is not well enough to sit in church. I am not blaming the kid, I do not think he's faking, and I know how you can be fine as long as you're not asked to move too much, but once you move you feel really gross. I'm sure that's what he's going through, and I feel bad for him. But it's still really annoying. If either he or his brother were sick enough to, you know, stay in bed and sleep, I wouldn't have this skin-crawling feeling that I've spent too much time around people and need to be alone for more than 5 minutes I spend in the bathroom.

Seventh: I've lost about 5 pounds without even trying. I've lost 5 pounds eating anything I want to eat, whenever I want to eat it. I ate about 30 TJ's crispy chocolate chip cookies (not an exaggeration) right before bed a few nights ago, and my weight still went down. My appetite is off and on, though, so I'm probably not eating as much overall as I normally do. That said, I had been trying to lose 5-10 pounds since we got home from our summer vacation, and that weight would not budge. So, what changed? I don't know, but it's weird that I can lose weight and still be eating carbs the way I have been these past few weeks. Anyway, I have no word from the g/e doc on the egd biopsies, so I guess I can assume it's nothing serious although I hate to assume anything. I won't see him until next year. I want to know what's wrong with me, and I want it to be something fixable. (Ha!)

Eighth: My throat is killing me -- I'd say at least a 5, I'm conscious of it all the time, but it doesn't look like strep (no redness, no spots, no white patches), and I don't even have a post-nasal drip. Or maybe I do and I'm just not noticing it, I don't know. But I do have blocked ears again, and I've had three instances of dizzyness over the past few days. Definitely blocked ears. Surgery which I hope will fix all that is on Dec 20. Is the throat related to the head stuff or the stomach stuff? I don't know, but it's a pretty good bet it's related to the stomach stuff, even though the egd showed a normal esophagus. It is very wearing to have a constant pain like that. It hurts to talk, and it hurts more to project my voice. Which means when I barked at the sick boy for wearing sandals to church at night in December in the rain, I just made my throat hurt more. Between the pain and all these frustrations, I just wanted to cry.

Ninth: Sleep is difficult when you're listening for 1) a puking kid and 2) the phone to ring with bad news. I'm sure I could feel better and more resilient to handling all this stuff if I could just sleep, maybe tonight will be better. I'm not expecting any more puking, and the last word on my father-in-law was quite positive (relatively speaking), so maybe I can relax a bit.

Tenth: I miss my husband. I can handle being alone, but this is a particularly difficult time. I wish I was with him. I know he's OK but it's not vanity on my part to think that he would be better with me; we support each other. God willing he will be home soon enough.