Monday, May 01, 2006

flipped

My schedule for Thyrogen shots and nuclear scan, ultrasound, etc etc at M. D. Anderson in Houston arrived today. We had rather a thick stack of mail, so I was literally surprised to find the envelope, which was stuffed with a several page "treatment guidelines" document as well.

I felt exactly as if someone had punched me in the gut: couldn't breathe for a moment, and felt tears starting in my eyes.

Get a grip! It's just an envelope, after all.

My appointments are all arranged for the week in late August I requested. I called the airline and the hotel and made my reservations, and somewhere in there, there was a subtle shift in attitude: I'll be checking out on Wednesday, I said, and: I'm returning on Wednesday. No hedging, no waffling.

Just making reservations that assume that the scan and ultrasound and blood tests will all be negative, and there will be no reason for me to stay past Wednesday. That attitude is quite at odds with the dead certainty I've been walking around with for a good month now, that of course it's back and of course I'll need more surgery.

I don't know why that happened, or how long it will last, but just for today, I'm enjoying being an optimist.

1 comment:

Irish Lass said...

Being an optimist is as much a part of your recovery as anything so keep it up!

I did all my husband's scheduling online at MDA, which made it much easier to plan ahead with the hotel, etc. I didn't get "the envelope" sometimes until the day before the appointment! Granted I am only 3-4 hours from Houston, but I still needed more planning time than they sometimes gave except online.

It's odd how we change the words we choose and our entire thought processes when faced with something like this.

I am just now reading and finding out about your cancer. So far from what I can tell, you have a great attitude. As I said, and probably as your oncologist has told you, that is a tremendous part of your recovery.