Monday, July 18, 2005


Spent most of the day agitated (aka grumpy).

DH is coming tomorrow! We talk at least once a day, and over the course of these weeks we have had, as any couple would, our ups and downs. Reunions, like beginnings, can be difficult. I've been here with the kids for over 3 weeks and we are more or less in a groove, and we'll have to re-establish a new order once DH gets here. I am at once excited and giddy with anticipation -- yay, he's coming tomorrow! -- and exhausted from arguing with the kids about everything (it seems) -- when will he get here, already? how much longer do I have to do this by myself?

This was sooo much easier last year. My RA medicine had me in remission, I had nary a twinge all summer. I didn't know I had cancer yet, either. I'm not entirely convinced that the second has anything to do with my feelings of frustration and near-incompetence, but I'm sure that the first does.

Anyway, it's good that DH is coming just at the point where my internal mantra has evolved into I don't want to do this anymore... I'm not sure I can do this anymore... Can we go home now? It's not that I want to go home, really. It's that I want more of home here, with me.

Mostly, I just want to feel better both physically and emotionally, and I'm hopeful that DH being here will help, if I don't take his head off inadvertently. I remember so clearly last year this transition time: I had some resentment then, but this year it's worse. It's completely unfounded, of course -- why should I resent him for staying home and working so all the rest of us can stay on the Cape and go to the beach whenever the weather allows?

Hey, I know it's not rational, but after shepherding the kiddos for 3+ weeks solo (frequent periodic help from relatives, all fantastic, but I'm still the one that's trying to put the monsters to bed every night!), I can't help but think that he has had a vacation of sorts already.

Then again, I have guilt for taking us all away from him for so long. He is not one of those guys that craves solitude, so it's not as if he were counting the days until we left him alone and in peace. Now, me? My vacation is scheduled for the 25th, when just the two of us head to a B&B in Mystic for the night, while Nana and Papa cope with the offspring. Can't come soon enough, but I'm hoping for good beach weather for DH's sake between now and then.

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