resolute

Over at The Other Side of the Ocean, Nina is blogging about New Year's resolutions, quite amusingly. She has put a lot of work into it, too, linking to several inspirational (as in, inspiring resolutions, not religious fervor) sites, and quoting some pretty funny ones she has found.

Of course, that gets me thinking about the idea, and what a failure I was in keeping my one resolution from last year, that I would go to bed before midnight. (See time stamp)

Giving myself a generous benefit-of-the-doubt count, I think I kept that resolution about 30 times. Maybe.

I know I would feel better if I slept more. I also know I don't sleep well. If I go to bed at 11, I lie awake until 12:30. So why not stay up and just go to bed at 12:30 and fall asleep right away, I think?

I could take an Ambien or a Sonata and go to bed at 11, and sleep. But I don't want to take drugs I don't need.

I wonder, if I started exercising again (ha!), would that help me to sleep? I think so. That's something to consider.

Something else: I like going to sleep with DH... but I don't like going to bed at 10 or 10:30. It's too early for me. 12:30 is too late for him, especially on work nights. This is something we're both working on, because my staying-up-late has definitely been a barrier between us.

I have said to the kids so often -- People, and real life, are always more important than television, or the computer. The TV will be there. The computer will be there. But people move on, they have things to do... if you have a choice between spending time with people and spending time with electronics, always choose the people!

I really believe this.
I think this year, I need to make sure to practice what I preach.

This is hard.

I spend a lot of time online because 1) I have no energy to do much of anything else and 2) I will go crazy if I just lie around doing nothing or (worse) watching TV. Still, what kind of example am I giving the kids? There's a lot more to life than whatever it is I'm reading, no matter how infinitely fascinating the blogosphere is.

I need to do more things, even when I don't feel like doing anything. There's no telling when I will feel like doing anything... today after I took my meds (about 10:30AM, after driving up to the Phx office and being stuck 7 times), I actually could feel myself perking up, it was funny. I was seized with ambition. It lasted about an hour, enough to get me through my errands. By the time I got the kids' calendars, I didn't have any interest in even trying on a pair of shoes, and I pretty much desperately need new shoes.

The shoes can wait, though. Most things can, and so they do. I've been here before, this barely-getting-by rut. I hate it here. This is part of the struggle, part of the Descent. I think: I must be feeling better because I at least have the energy to rail against the fact that I have no energy.

Well, having the blood draw today means meds adjustment next week. Hope springs eternal: I could feel better soon, I should feel better soon. I'm trying to manage my own expectations and finding it impossible. I don't know what I'll be able to do, when. I wish I had a timeline laid out for me, "You'll feel better in 2 weeks, but you won't be up to your optimal for another 3 months... after that, smooth sailing, all the way."

I wish I could believe that were true. I'm struggling against discouragement, too, because there's no reason to be discouraged now. Yes, the cancer was much worse than anyone expected, but the scan showed good uptake, no distant metastases... but nothing ever goes easily for me, at least not recently. Is this the final installment on the "medical nightmares" section of my life? That would be awesome, but it's too soon to tell.

For now, my resolution: I'll do what I can.