grrr

Blogger keeps eating my posts.

Yesterday I typed in a long chatty review of everything I did, and even remembered to copy into the clipboard before hitting "publish". Then I promptly overwrote the clipboard, before the publish finished!

I am an idiot.

Anyway: Thursday and Friday, both unbelievably busy, but I believe my Christmas shopping is DONE! That is nothing short of miraculous. Now I just have to send everything off to the appropriate people. That will take up a good chunk of Saturday.

Still mulling over exactly what to write about the resolution of the Week o' Fights. (It probably wasn't a whole week, but it felt that way.) The main thing is, I have changed and DH hasn't. It is unrealistic to expect someone to change, and on short notice.

When I'm well, I'm able to contain my snark and sarcasm a lot better. Nothing ticks DH off more than being disrespected, who would disagree with that? The problem is, I think I'm being witty, he thinks I'm dissing him... we could (have) argued that he has thin skin, but that's not the point. If he doesn't like it I need to respect that.

The other thing is when I'm well, I can very clearly see the paths NOT to take, conversation-wise: if I say X, Armageddon will follow in about 2 minutes. When I'm OK, I don't say X. These days, it's a 50-50 crap shoot whether or not I say X, which is just stupid. I remember the fight we had on the way to see the NucMed doctor the first time, when I made a comment about DH's driving. That was one of those situations: I knew if I said something we'd have a fight. I knew it. I said it anyway, and we had a huge fight. Completely avoidable... wish I could re-wire my brain.

So, when I finally realized that's why all these fights have been happening, I laid it out for DH: he has to do better at not jumping down my throat when I'm snippy. I know it sucks that I'm snippy, but I'm not snippy just because I'm a bitch, I'm snippy because (dun dun DUN!) I have cancer, and I'm hypo to boot.

You have no idea how lame it feels to pull that excuse. I feel like I should be able to handle all this and not be whacked out by it, but clearly, I can't.

We covered a lot of territory together, like my weird feeling of being simultaneously unappreciated for everything I do, and yet guilty for not doing more. DH of course felt unappreciated for everything he does (which is way more than a lot of husbands)... we kept having this little focus problem. My feelings stemmed from the fact that I'm still doing everything (yes, everything) I would normally be doing to keep the house going, plus getting ready for Christmas, and things have not fallen down around our ears (yet). Normally, this would not be a big deal but again (dun dun DUN!) I have cancer. I want some credit, here!

I am so whiny it irritates me sometimes. (roll eyes here)

The guilt part comes of course from always saying to the kids, "Not today," or "not now", or sometimes just plain, "no." Or for designating sliced apples the "vegetable" with dinner. Hey, it's better than nothing fresh at all, she rationalizes. I'm not worried, they're fine.

We talked more about the parenting stuff, and here DH was spot-on and said exactly the right thing to stop me freaking out about what he thought vs what I thought, etc. I have the evidence of my abilities in front of my eyes: three amazingly awesome kids. My biased opinion has been supported by every relative and teacher these kids know, so I know it's true. DH says, there you go. I'm the most significant influence on their lives (so far, I know that will change), and it's obvious that they are thriving. IOW, it's obvious I'm doing a good job there.

It's pretty silly. I've been out of the workforce for over 5 years now, and yet I still go looking for performance reviews. Mostly when I'm not well, but still. I need to get over that and be willing to accept the evidence of my own eyes.

Kids are off for 2 weeks now. I hope we don't all get on each other's nerves. They were so excited this afternoon I felt like tying them all down to their chairs just to calm them down for a while.

Inventory:
Eating lots of good food and the occasional chocolate or cookie or something, and am still quite skinny (123 with pjs & slippers on).
My hair is falling out.
My dandruff has returned with a vengeance. This is SO annoying, but it's got to be related to the hypo thing. It has been under control for so long, in fact that was one reason why I decided it was OK to grow my hair out. I refuse to cut my hair short, though. I like having hair. I'll just have to deal with it. (BTW, I do use dandruff shampoo... several of them, in fact, and I have for year. I think this has more to do with my immune system being stressed by the surgery/cancer/hypo situation than anything else. Or that could just be wishful thinking. What do I know?)
Hands are a bit stiff in the morning and from time to time during the day, but nothing too bad. Feet are bothered on the days I'm running around all the time.
I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a truck, but only a very small one. I can stretch out of it pretty quickly.
Piriformis feels like it's permanently seized these days. Stretching provides relief for a minute or two. I should go back to PT but I'm not prepared to get into that scheduling nightmare.
I have lumps in my throat (feels like I have to swallow past them -- hard to explain) and my neck hurts and the glands under my jaw are swollen on one side, yet painful on the other. I think it's die-off from the RAI, and it feels horrible. My throat gets very sore if I talk or sing more than a little at a time, so basically by the end of every day, my throat is killing me. I'm trying not to worry or think of these as portents of long-term problems. Still, though, this is probably the top reason for the pity parties I've been having for myself lately.

I should probably go back on the old minocycline regimen, but it was such a pain that I'm avoiding it and seeing how this goes. It's pretty stupid, though, since I can't properly assess whether the changes are from being hypo or the change in dosage.

Some day, I want to be Lileks. He does this thing in "The Bleat" where you get a combination of slice-of-life and profound insight. Since those two things sound dreadfully dull, I should also say that he's hilarious and a huge scifi geek as well. And his daughter is between DS2 and DD in age, so I can totally relate to all the kid-related stuff he does with her.

I guess it's good to have a role model, even if I'll never meet him.