dept. of blessings

I didn't get to post last night because I was busy. DH was out at RCIA, so I was on tap for baths and bedtime. The kids like it when I do baths because even though I do essentially the exact same things as DH, it's different.

So, I read online for a while and commented here and there, and then I went upstairs and filled up the humidifiers and did the baths. Then we all did prayers together, and then I tucked them all in with dire threats about the horrible things that Daddy would do to them if they pestered me by getting up and behaving like the irrepressible monkeys they often resemble at bedtime. Fortunately they were sufficiently intimidated (or else just tired from their busy days) so that they stayed in bed, because I didn't even have to yell at them: "Go back to bed!"

Not-yelling is much preferable these days, considering my throat is the sorest it has been since immediately after my surgery. This is the first cold I can remember in a while, though -- but I suspect my memory is faulty. It would be interesting to go back through the archives here and make some kind of a record. In spite of my wretched medical conditions, I'm actually a pretty healthy person. (Or I'm in such deep denial it isn't even funny.)

Shortly after I settled the kids into bed, DH came home, and we talked. Some of it was mundane -- plans for the weeks to come, with the hectic scheduling -- but some was more profound. It is really interesting to discuss the different aspects of Catholicism with him as he is exposed to new topics from week to week. I remember a lot of things I learned over the years, but some things I forget or never learned, and there have been some changes along the way, too -- I had no idea there were new Rosaries! DH teases me that I have to "get with the program."

We made coffee and I sat with my leg up (and throbbing) and we just yapped our way through diverse topics until 11, when we both realized we were about to fall over and so went to bed.

I don't think a day goes by when I am not mindful of the advice, your choice of your life's partner is the most important decision you will ever make.

Every day I thank God for DH, and for our children and our home, and for our families, close and extended. I do not know what kind of person I would be if I were not here, in this family we have built together. I do know that being a part of this family has brought me closer to being the kind of person I want to be.

It is very strange. Some times I feel as if I have no choice but to be a certain way: I have responsibilities to family and to home as well as to self. Then I realize that it is my choice, of course, to recognize and accept those responsibilities as my own.

Then there's the entire health debacle issue. I've been on an approaching-epic journey, starting with my pregnancy with DS2 -- that's over 4 years, now. I don't know whether I'm in the middle or near the end or what. There's no telling. I have admitted my fears about my body scan to DH: if they find distant metastases, that does affect the prognosis, but it is really too soon to tell. We'll have to look at how things change over time to get an accurate assessment of whether or not the RAI worked, was the cancer resistant, will it come back?

I talked about this a little with my middle sister yesterday, too: it's a process. I will be dealing with this the rest of my life... however much time I have. The other night I censored myself. I had written, "Sometimes I don't know where all this health stuff will end," when I realized that yes, I do know, in that back-of-my-head, "I just know it" place: it will end with my death -- but what I do not now know, and I keep backing away from any "feeling" of, is whether that will come sooner rather than later.

Sometimes, like now, a melancholy peace settles over me and I feel that perhaps it will be sooner. But then I recognize that I am sick with a cold and recovery and skin biopsies and my thyroid meds are not optimized, and so melancholy, if not downright depression, is to be expected. So I try to stay skeptical when I get these "feelings" lately... even though my "feelings" are batting a thousand.

Well, this took a suddenly pessimistic turn which is not at all what I intended. I am feeling very appreciative of all that I have, these days. Even though feeling crummy has made me somewhat short-tempered and over-sensitive, I'm still feeling very connected and very much blessed by everything around me.