jinxed?

You gotta have faith.

It's raining. It rained all day, and it will be raining for the foreseeable future. So, there goes the rationale for being here during summer vacation, as opposed to being at home -- here, supposedly, we can go to the beach. It's fun, it's outdoors, it's free... it's cold, windy, and enveloped in fog, even when it's not being pelted by rain.

So, we're trying to make the best of it, but it seems like things are breaking down all around us. Mom's television died yesterday -- some research showed that Sony Trinitrons with no video but everything else OK can be fixed by a simple tweak, once you get the back off. So I got the back off (no small feat) but can't find the two screws that are supposed to be there to adjust the video.

DS1 wanted to watch a DVD, and with the TV out, he popped it into Mom's iMac, which promptly starting grinding, and now will not eject it. I tried restarting, I even tried the firmware option (fun), but no dice: lots of noises, none of them good, but still no DVD.

Heating up the pizza for dinner this evening, I burned the first batch under the broiler. My mother's oven is so different from mine, I should have known better, but I got distracted making plans for tomorrow and Wednesday, when hopefully I will have something more cheerful to report.

DD's unorthodox, winning style -- she plays off the bumpers masterfully.

This afternoon, we went bowling, then out for hot chocolate (Mexican mocha for me) at Coffee Obsession, then we went to check out Old Silver Beach in the rain. I would post pictures but the final glitch in today's parade of things-not-working is Blogger won't upload my photos, even after I cleared my cache and cookies and whatnot. This seems to happen from time to time and eventually it works out. Update: It works! I had to quit Firefox and restart it, and then everything was fine. Yay!

Old Silver Beach... deserted, with good reason.

My neck is bothering me after all the driving yesterday and the continued high humidity; I suppose bowling didn't help. It doesn't help that I've felt chilled most of the day, either. I am not cut out for this damp New England weather any more. But the plans for the next couple of days include a brief sojourn to a much warmer place; here's hoping it's worth the effort and expense.

thoughts on the day

I had lots of reminders of my father today. This morning at Mass we met a friend of my mother's; she didn't recognize me as my mother's daughter so much as she recognized my brother as my mother's son -- "I look more like my father," I said, and it's true.

Later, I noticed the word "Dad" prominently labeling the really nice wooden hanger on which my blouse had hung, warning acquisitive children to back off Dad's suit hanger. Funny how those good hangers would migrate without the label.

My sister had a graduation party for her youngest daughter, recent graduate of Boston Latin, and she has photos all over her house -- and there was Dad, of course. Oh, how proud he would have been of his granddaughter! I can well imagine it.

I miss him. The happy graduation-party day was tinged with sadness. The relentless weather is getting to me, I'm sure: would I be feeling sad if I'd seen blue sky for longer than 5 minutes in the past week? Maybe. Probably. Yes - it's when we're (almost) all together that I miss him the most.

Big Blue & camp fires

They don't make 'em like this in Arizona.

Today, I had the day off. My brother took over planning and driving duties and took us all (me, my 3 kids, himself and his son) up to the Blue Hills where we climbed to the top of Big Blue, the highest free-standing point on the eastern shoreline, or something like that. It was a beautiful hike, and there's a cool old army fort and an awesome working weather observatory at the top.

This crystal globe focuses sunlight into a beam; the resulting burns are used to measure the total sunlight for the day.

At the bottom, we stopped in at the Trailside Museum, which is really charming, and was celebrating their 50th anniversary today with free admission. They have a great little collection of animals and excellent displays on the native animal life in the Blue Hills region.

After dinner, we headed to Plymouth to Camp Massasoit for a Cub Scout Campfire. My nephew's pack was having a family camping weekend, and they were holding a campfire; my brother had checked to be sure it was OK if we all came along. It was a blast. Various groups of kids from the different troops performed skits, and my nephew and my two boys did one, too, "The Duck." It went like this:

DS1 is standing towards one side of the stage. N approaches from the other side.
N (walking like a duck): Do you have any duck food?
DS1 (the storekeeper): No.
N leaves.
DS2 (the narrator): The next day...
N appears again, and walks over to DS1: Do you have any duck food?
DS1: (becoming angry) No, I told you yesterday we don't have any duck food. If you ask me again, I'll rip off your beak and nail it to the wall! (he was very dramatic)
N scurries away, frightened.
DS2: The next day...
N peaks around the corner of the stage, and sneaks up to DS1, who pretends not to notice him.
N: Do you have any nails?
DS1: No!
N: Oh, well, in that case, do you have any duck food?
fin

This is the level of humor/entertainment that's typical of cub scout campfires. The camp staff did a great song with much enthusiasm -- there was a good deal of enthusiasm for everyone, appropriately. One family was honored for all the volunteer efforts they put in, and you could see how much everyone appreciated them.

After the official campfire, we retired to a smaller campfire with just my brother's (and his son's) troop (I may be confusing those terms) and the kids got to roast marshmallows and hot dogs over the fire, although where they found room for it all, I don't know. DS2 had a minor crisis with a marshmallow dropping off his toasting stick, but I retrieved it, brushed it off, and put it back in the fire to burn off any germs, and he was able to have his s'more after all. DD was thrilled to try JiffyPop, although popping it over the campfire without some kind of hand protection was a rather hazardous job. (DD was happy about the s'mores and the popcorn, otherwise she was rather mortified at having to attend a boy scout event, even though it was a family camping weekend and there were other girls there. She's at an age where she found the skits mostly embarrassing.)

Got home late, hustled the kids through their showers (church in the morning, no time then...) and got them to bed, and am now off to bed myself. It was a lovely day, and I hope the weather is this cooperative tomorrow.

freelance day camp

That's what summer has become. I don't recall my mom, God bless her, ever concerning herself too much with what we did over the summer. We all went to the beach or hung out or played in the woods or something. It was fine.

Now, it's reading-math-writing-piano every morning -- not a lot of each, just enough to keep their brain cells from dying off -- and then casting around for something to do so they're not glued to various video screens for the rest of the day.

Plus, cooking, washing dishes, grocery shopping, and house work, all of which I would do if we were home in AZ but which have an overlay of slightly weird difficulty because, well, we're not home in AZ.

I have this feeling there is something I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't know what it is. I'm sure the weather (and horrific extended forecast) are contributing to my sense of frustration, but there's not a thing I can do about it, except keep looking for things to do on rainy days. I will be so happy when we finally break out of this cold and damp.

critters & trails

Another cool, cloudy day. The forecast called for rain late in the day, so I decreed we'd go to the Cape Cod Museum of Natural History. If it were up to the kids, they'd spend all day playing video games and building forts with blankets and chairs, or playing video games inside their forts. And eating.

Brewster is a bit of a haul from East Falmouth, but it was an easy drive today, before school is out, and before the tourist crowds hit. Later in the summer I imagine it would be pretty horrific, but for us it was only around 45 minutes, which isn't bad at all.

The museum itself is quite manageable, with a small aquarium downstairs and a great "marsh view" room on the main floor. There's an osprey's nest which they have on camera, so you get a close-up view of what's going on in the nest at all times. The marsh view itself is gorgeous, and there are plenty of bird feeders drawing the local fauna to the windows for our entertainment.

Lucky shot: photographing squirrels is hard enough, but chipmunks are impossible. This looks like some kind of gray squirrel/chipmunk cross.

View from the marsh room, left

View from the marsh room, right

We walked the wildflower loop and a little bit of the marsh trail, but didn't have time for extensive hikes -- energy was flagging, too, since the kids had a sleepover last night and didn't get to sleep until about 1AM. The trails were well-maintained and easy. Happily, sometime in the past couple of years, the children have decided that they like to walk around in nature.

Funny how we associate blueberries & summer... these won't be blue for at least another 6 weeks.


These blossoms were everywhere in the woods around the marsh.

Laurel? Raspberries? If I figure it out, I'll update.

I think the high point of the kids' day was the ice cream we got at Kate's Seafood.
Classic Cape roadside restaurant.

On the way home, DS1 commented that it was "a nice trip, but I really want to go to the beach."

So do I, baby, so do I.

Spohr Gardens

A sunny, cool day.

We ventured out in the afternoon to Spohr Gardens. I can't believe I've never been there before! We missed the profusion of rhododendrons and other spring flowers, and it was too early for all but the most precocious peonies, but the gardens were still gorgeous.

A portion of Charles Spohr's nautical collection, including an anchor from H.M.S. Bounty

Red maples provide relief from the ubiquitous green


The kids investigate the bell from 1882; mill stones arranged behind.

Calling sinners home

Inscription on the bell:
HOOPER & CO. BOSTON MASS. AD 1882
===============================
SINNERS! The sound of this bell
calls you together for the good and
eternal happiness of your souls
and to praise and glorify Christ
AND ONLY THIS

I'm unclear on what the possible confusion was, but Messrs. Hooper & Co left no doubt as to the piety of their purpose.


The "Flower" setting on my camera (a Fujifilm FinePixZ) does weird things to the color pallet -- this iris was purple, not blue.


The only fresh-looking cluster of rhododendron blooms in the entire garden.


Lovely pink bells capped by a speckled bloom.


Fern thicket in sunlight.


Peak peone.

From the gardens, we wandered over to Woods Hole, but the WHOI Aquarium was just closing as we arrived at 4PM. So we went to our favorite beach instead, where it wasn't as windy as I expected. I lined up all the kids for our now-classic beach shot:

Jump!

Shortly after this photo was taken, my camera's battery ran out of juice. That's why I have no documentation of their first swim of the year. DD complained that even the sand was cold, and she was right, but they wanted to go swimming, so we headed home for their suits and then back again. It was, probably, too cold for DS2 and DD, but the two older boys were just fine. They all survived and now have another great shared adventure to remember in times to come.

too cold to swim

Wood Neck Beach, Falmouth

Temperatures here in Falmouth are hovering in the mid-60s, and at times the clouds blot out the sun.

Still, I couldn't let the kids, my brother, and his son loll around the house all afternoon. It wasn't too cold to search for sea glass...

A rare alignment of cousins


and it was perfect strawberry picking weather.

At Tony Andrew's Farm

It didn't take long to pick four quart boxes of berries; two boxes disappeared in short order after dinner. The milk chocolate ganache dip provided encouragement.

back on the Cape

Saturday we (me & the kids) flew into Hartford; we spent the night at the in-laws. Sunday we staggered out of bed at 10:30, which wasn't bad considering it was nearly 2AM by the time we got to bed, what with all the excitement of travel and everything. We made our way to the Cape Sunday afternoon, with no traffic and just a little rain.

It's cool and partly cloudy here, and the forecast is similar for the rest of the week. I do hope it warms up soon!

As usual, it feels weird to be here, especially after all the school upheaval last week. I have no idea where the kids will be going to school in the fall (late summer, actually), and I don't like that kind of uncertainty. But things will be different no matter where they go, that's for sure.

With any luck tomorrow we'll do something that's worth photographing.

this week's lessons

1. Security is an illusion.

School friends find themselves inexplicably unemployed. Their positions still exist, but their contracts were not renewed, and no reason was given (to them, or to us) for their dismissal. I'm hoping that something can be done about this, but realistically I don't know how it will work out.

2. If you're doing something you feel compelled to keep secret, that's your conscience letting you know that what you're doing is wrong.

I'm not talking about a surprise party or a gift. Those friends, now unemployed? Management canned them without warning and with well-planned, sneaky timing. They hoped it would stay under the radar and they could later say the staff "left for personal reasons." Yes, I suppose not being offered a contract is a "personal" reason.

I know Management would say, "we didn't want to upset the other staff," but that should have been another big clue that what they were doing was wrong: of course the rest of the staff would be outraged, and very, very nervous about their own ongoing status. This was not the kind of maneuver that leads to one big happy school family.

I can't think of a single thing that Management could say that could justify this decision. I can think of a few reasons, like personal dislike or wanting to bring in friends or something like that, but not one of these rises to the level of justifying unraveling the structure of the school community as they have done with these dismissals.

Apologies for the cryptic language; circumstances warrant it.

dx: cervical radiculitis

After spending the weekend worrying about what was going on in my neck, I was quickly reassured by my doctor of two things: the pain in my neck isn't psychosomatic, and what's going on in there can be treated and, with luck, easily resolved.

He termed it a "disc protrusion," with the formal diagnosis of cervical radiculitis. This is a less serious dysfunction than a slipped or herniated disc, and physical therapy was prescribed.

There must be something wrong with me that I need physical therapy so often, as if my body can't keep itself in order. This is an idea I am willing to leave unexplored, since everything that's gone wrong so far has been fixable.

here's something

I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to look like that.

After searching the web for images of cervical spine MRIs, I played radiologist by holding the films up to the sliding glass door, which gives the images a somewhat distracting background, but enables me to see them nonetheless. What is supposed to be a smooth line is disrupted by a sharp point where two of the vertebrae meet.

Upon reflection, this condition may be what causes the crunching sounds I hear when I move my head from side to side.

mri experience, v 2.0

It was a lot better than last time. Maybe it was a newer machine.

This time, the focus was my neck, aka "cervical spine." I have weird neurological symptoms -- numbness and tingling in my neck, a dull ache along my right arm, sometimes my entire right side, and these have been going on for some time now. Dr. O, my ENT, recommended a rehab doctor look at this months ago. What finally got me to go was Dr. C, my TMD doctor, saying the same thing. I confessed to Dr. C that I didn't want to go for an MRI because the last one freaked me out. He told me that was OK, they could give me a prescription for something that would help me relax, and I would get through it fine. The main thing is to get it looked at now while the symptoms are mild, before they get worse and/or become permanent.

My tendency is to do just the opposite -- wait until it gets bad enough to have someone look at it. I feel at least half the time that I'm a hypochondriac, always running to the doctor with mild, slightly annoying problems. It gets expensive, and since I'm pretty much OK, what's the point? What are the odds that this problem is going to get worse? What are the odds that it's going to go away on its own? I wish I could assess those two questions more accurately. Anyway, the neck thing does seem to be getting worse and so I finally made the doctor's appointment, and of course he did send me for the MRI. Given my impending departure for the summer, we're moving quickly on this.

So: the cervical spine MRI. There's no question of going in feet-first, they're looking at the neck. My head was in a little U-shaped form, and then soft foam wedges were put in place by my ears. It was very comfortable, actually, and the wedges by my ears really helped keep the noise down. (Or perhaps it was a newer, quieter machine than last time.) I closed my eyes even before the tech slid me into the tube, so I didn't see a thing. I felt like I was being tucked in for a nap. I had a cushion under my knees and smaller ones for arm rests, and a nice blanket. It would have been restful if not for the noise.

There were 5 or 6 passes, each one longer than the next. The first few were very short, the last 3 were 3.5, 4, and 6 minutes long. During the passes, the noise wasn't loud enough to make me jump but I was surprised by the vibrations of the table. I didn't remember that from last time.

Before the 6-minute pass, the tech asked me if I wanted her to pause in the middle, and I told her no, let's just get it over with -- that was a mistake. Six minutes without swallowing is basically impossible. I had a brief moment of panic near the end of the pass, but I mustn't have moved the parts that counted -- I definitely fluttered my hands a bit, and took several deep breaths. My mouth felt very dry throughout this process, but I still felt like I needed to swallow, which I didn't want to do because I was afraid it would move my jaw.

I had a prescription for Ativan but I didn't fill it -- I need to be awake and alert today, no time to sleep it off. I guess I managed OK but I won't really know until the report comes back. I looked at the films and other than identifying a few basic structures (it's kind of cool, you can see a little of my brain in some of them), I can't see anything. In some of the cross-sections you can see marked differences between the right side of my neck and the left side, due to all my surgeries. The side views are pretty cool, you can see all the vertebrae and everything. I hope that the scan shows nothing wrong with the spine itself -- muscle problems are so much easier to deal with.

refill reminder

It takes more than a week for Domperidone to get here from the Canadian pharmacy I use. I need to remember this and re-order before I start my last box of 100 pills, which lasts me about 12 days.

Even a few days of skipped doses -- and no days of missing altogether -- leave me feeling quite sick.

I hope someday I won't need this medicine any more, but at this point that doesn't seem likely. But at least I can do a better job with ordering my refills so I don't screw it up again.

at loose ends

I finished my class on Friday morning, typing away furiously for 110 minutes, finishing with just 10 minutes to spare. That's about 11 minutes per "short answer", which isn't too bad. With open book tests, I tend to second-guess myself and want to throw in at least one or two detailed examples, and I can easily find myself going down rabbit-holes. The time constraint was daunting. With closed-book tests, I don't feel compelled to include every last detail.

Since then, I took the kids to see Night at the Musuem: Battle of the Smithsonian, which was amiably stupid but a good way to spend a rainy Friday afternoon (the kids had a half-day).

Friday evening we went up to Squaw Peak for our usual Memorial Day get-away. The kids enjoyed the pizza and wings that DH brought up when he finally got out of work, and they enjoyed the "dive-in movie" (Kung Fu Panda), although they all got cold in the pool and had to hang out in the hot tub for a while to warm up again.

Saturday we were out to enjoy the sunshine early -- too early, actually. We re-applied sunscreen at lunch-time but they all ended up with varying degrees of sunburn. DS1's as usual is the worst, I think because he spends the most time in the water. We're shopping for those UV-protectant t-shirts for both boys. DD never burns as badly as they do. You can tell those boys have some Scandinavian genes just by how white they are. We left in the mid-afternoon, exhausted, although the kids were not too tired to watch The Prisoner of Azkaban on dvd; DD is finally, finally reading the HP saga and enjoying it, and she just finished HP3, so it was a perfect movie choice for once. I love it, but even so I fell asleep for the last 40 minutes or so.

Today was an at-home day, after church. Both boys worked on school projects and got much done -- somehow they are always more productive if I am in the room with them, even if I'm not directly supervising. There was some cooking and really not much else. DH and I watched The Wrestler, and Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei were awesome, but I was a bit disappointed in how predictable it was. It certainly wasn't a waste of time, but after the buzz it got, I expected more. I should know better.

Just as I should know better about staying up so late. As the title says, I'm at loose ends now. I feel as if I should be doing something, but my class is over, and the state test isn't for another couple of weeks. So many tensions are pulling at me: kids, money, cancer, fat. There's nothing wrong, no reason to think anything will go wrong, just this vague sense of uneasiness and uncertainty that always accompanies lack of control, for me. We're coming up on the end of the school year and such transitions are always hard for me. I'll manage.

final stretch

I have just turned in my last essay assignment for my U.S. Constitution survey course. The material is fascinating but it reminds me of raking leaves -- a task that could be pleasant on a crisp fall afternoon when the leaves were dry and there were no other pressing tasks, but that rapidly became a chore when I had to do it every single weekend and most of the time the leaves were wet because it had just rained and Good Lord were those things heavy!

Anyway. I had to get it done today, so I did, and now all that remains is one lesson's readings and then the final. I really appreciate that there is no assignment for the last lesson, just the final -- my last few courses squeezed in an assignment due on the same day as the final! It doesn't leave a student much leeway.

In other news, I was accepted into the program with unexpected alacrity: I dropped off the application on Tuesday and received my acceptance letter on Saturday. That was nice.

The kids have three weeks of school left -- less, really, because of the long Memorial Day weekend. We're having an overnight at one of the local resorts as usual. By then, my class will be finished, but I'll still have my state test hanging over my head, which I take the day after the kids' last day of school.

When that's over, we'll really be able to celebrate.

straight As on the parental report card

The kids' school uses the Six Pillars of Character curriculum, and at the end of the year, they have a special Outstanding Character assembly, wherein one student is nominated from each class, and then one student is selected as the most outstanding for the elementary school, and one for the middle school.

DS1 was nominated as the student with the most outstanding character in his class. I was quite overcome when I found out (yesterday), and the kids were wondering what was wrong with me, that I would cry about something like this.

I explained to DD, this is a very big deal for an Asperger's kid to get. DS1 spent quite a lot of time sitting in the principal's office earlier in his school career, and he has come a long, long way since those days.

DS1 doesn't understand all the fuss. He read the recommendation his teacher had written for him and said, "I don't remember doing any of that stuff." That's just the reason he was nominated, though: he doesn't have to make a special effort to be kind, or respectful, that's just the way he is. (Of course he's also sometimes clueless or just in his own world, but that's to be expected, and apparently he doesn't do that very often at school.)

DH and I both attended the assembly, and it was great for him to meet some of the teachers and see DS1's moment in the spotlight, even if it made the poor boy a little uncomfortable. He endured it for our sakes.

36C

I've been taking Domperidone for my gastroparesis for about 6 months now, with good results, and one major side effect.

I had to buy new bras.

I'm blaming the drug because I weigh within a pound or two of what I weighed when I started taking it -- if anything, I may be a few pounds lighter, and I haven't changed my workout routine, either. Yes, I do upper-body strength training but it's the same routine I've had for almost 2 years, why would that suddenly kick in over the last few months?

Normally this is not the sort of thing that American women would complain about, but it's just weird. The last time I had a shelf like this, I was nursing an infant.

This is requiring some adjustment of my self-perception. I'm not used to having cleavage.

giddy

I managed to snag passes for the whole family to see an advance screening of the new Star Trek movie this evening.

It was awesome.

The new cast is spot on perfect, with Urban's Bones edging out the others ever-so-slightly. The story is tremendous, one of those butterfly-effect type things where one event sets another whole series of events in motion; it works. Best of all, I think, is the attitude: it doesn't take itself too seriously, but at the same time, it has heart.

We all enjoyed it, even Trek-detesting DD, who insisted she was just there for the popcorn. Can't wait to see it again.

progress, cont.

I filed my application for formal admission to the teaching certification program today.

In other news: I passed my biology AEPA, as hoped. "If I failed," I joked to more than one person, "I'd have to commit suicide, or at least rethink my entire career path." Not much of a joke, but it gets the point across. I'm good at tests, and I love this subject, and if I couldn't pass that test, something must be really wrong.

The US Constitution class continues apace. This is a fortuitous time for me to be studying this material, given what's going on with the Obama administration and Souter's recent retirement announcement. It's very interesting.

Today was my last RE class of the year, and predictably, I choked up at the end. Oh, how I love those little guys, and I can't believe they're all getting/have already received their First Communion and Confirmation. I gave them each a copy of Devon Publishing's The Good Shepherd Prayer Book which they really seemed to like; it is a beautiful, complete, and lovely book. Although I think they may have liked the pizza and juice pouches more!

DH & I bought a new bed, it will be delivered tomorrow -- OK, later today. How odd, and wonderful, will it be to sleep on a bed that's not concave? It's surprising how we'll put up with things that are genuinely bad for so long until finally we notice and do something about it!

Desert Outdoor Center, Lake Pleasant

As Nina said, in a completely different context, "It’s beautiful here. It is possible to understand that life can be at once simple and very magnificent."

Honeymoon Cove, the view from the path to the Girl's Cabin

We arrived Thursday morning and settled in. In truth, we had very little time for leisure, since we were busy with hikes and classes and eating (the children) or food preparation and clean-up (the adults). Our first mini-hike was down to the lake shore.

Colorful, and poisonous, beetles crawl about on a desert flower near the lake

Children can amuse themselves throwing objects into large bodies of water for as long as you'll let them. (Since I have no photo release paperwork on any children other than my own, I can't post any pictures of them...)

In the evening, we went on a "night hike", which theoretically would have been a good time to see wildlife. Reality: we were so noisy that any sane wildlife, hearing our approach, stayed well out of site. That's not to say it wasn't gorgeous anyway.

These teddy bear chollas seemed to glow in the late evening light

An exceptional saguaro cluster

Upon our return, we toasted marshmallows and made s'mores. There was some non-culinary excitement, too:

No one knows why, but all scorpions glow green under a black light.

In between, the kids had classes, taught by the park rangers, on setting and using a compass, cold-blooded animals, the difference between venomous and poisonous animals, archeology, and desert survival. They had hands-on classes in archeology and survival, too, as well as marine biology, trying to identify some of the organisms living in the muck at the bottom of the lake. Thursday ended with a team-building exercise they called "The Amazing Race," seven different stations requiring communication and negotiation among the team members to accomplish different tasks. They had a blast.

No one got much sleep -- the adults were kept busy keeping everyone fed and/or on-task, and the time passed very quickly. It was an exceptional experience -- the only negative I came away with was the sense that the children did not fully appreciate how extraordinary it really was. They're fourth-graders, after all; why should I expect different? I just know it was amazing, and I hope they realize it eventually, too.

whooped...

Returned this afternoon from an overnight field trip with DD to the Desert Outdoor Center at Lake Pleasant, where we took all kinds of classes, both day and evening.

I took a billion pictures and hope to post more later, but I have to clear the decks of my pending schoolwork, and get the housework javascript:void(0)under control as well.

the plan advances: AZ, done

I finished my Arizona Constitution review course today, a whole day before the deadline. Remarkable, for me.

I don't know why I'm still surprised by the amount of work these courses require. Part of the problem is that I take all my classes seriously and do all the reading, and then there's the thinking, and the writing, and all of that takes more time than I think it will. So for the past four weeks I've been a little bit squished, trying to get in both the AZ and US Constitution courses' reading/thinking/writing.

Polishing off AZ felt good today. My mood lifted substantially. I wasn't aware of feeling down or oppressed but I suppose I was -- or perhaps it's just that latest uptick in my thyroid medication taking effect.

I should be good to go for the state test on June 6. And on Monday at 5PM, my scores on my biology AEPA will be available online, and if I passed, I can apply to the certification program. Sometimes I think, why am I bothering to do all this? Will I ever actually teach?

Especially on painful days or generally-falling-apart days, I wonder about the wisdom of planning to start a new, stressful full-time job just a few years shy of 50. Fortunately, my impersonation of a healthy, energetic 30-something is pretty convincing."Fake it till you make it" has been working pretty well so far, so I'll stick with it.

nostalgia

Lilac - NH state flower

Jacaranda - Arizona Wildflowers, George & Audry Delange

Delighting, briefly,
jacaranda can't replace
remembered lilacs

Hedge Roses - Photo by Beth Oram

Bougainvillea - Baiting Hollow Hummingbird Sanctuary

Lush bougainvillea
and oleander mimic
belov'd hedge roses

Forsythia - Photo by David Beaulieu

Palo Verde in bloom - Photo by Paul Sheppard

While palo verde
blooms evoke forsythia --
universal Spring.

late update

I'm three weeks in to my two new classes, one on the AZ constitution, and one on the US constitution, in preparation for my last state teacher test on June 6. The AZ course is fine, but I'm feeling like a 1L in the other, having just had to read extensively on the commerce clause. I will be happy if I never have to hear about the commerce clause again.

There have been times in the past when I've thought, Why didn't I go to law school? (Well, I know the answer to that, but I have thought it.) Now I know it's because I find it simultaneously tedious and infuriating, some of these decisions that came down and changed our course of history. Nope, I'm good where I am, no law career for me.

After the requisite 6 (or 8) weeks on the new dosage of Levoxyl (137) and keeping steady on my 10 mcg Cytomel, I had my blood work done. It took almost two weeks to hear back from the new endo, and I'm not happy. My TSH was down to 0.02, which is very low, even for me, but she wants it down to 0.01, and upped my dosage again, calling in a scrip for Levoxyl 150 for me to take Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, retest in 6 weeks, etc etc.

Three weeks ago when I had the blood drawn, I felt OK. Not great, but OK. Now I feel hot all the time and I'm having palpitations almost every day. Plus I have an unshakeable fatigue dogging me, eating away at my patience. The feeling hot thing is especially annoying because it got hot out today, I think we hit the triple digits, but I know that's not why I'm feeling hot, I'm about 6 feet away from the thermostat and it's a comfy 79 degrees in here.

I am feeling so crummy at this moment that I actually took my temperature to see if I'm running a low-grade fever: 96.9. Sheesh.

Also, I'm having itch problems again -- horribly, scalp and neck are the worst. My neck will break out in little hives three or four times a week, I have no idea why and I doubt I'll ever get an answer, but the itchiness is really annoying.

Joints are consistently a 4-5 on the pain scale, hands and feet worse from time to time. Back/flank pain seems related to how much time I spend slouched on the couch, or maybe not. It didn't bother me the days I was teaching last week, and is back now at about a 2-3, so easily ignorable for the most part.

I'm avoiding sugar (not all carbs, just refined sugar) in an effort to look a little sleeker before summer gets here, and have done well avoiding it, except last Friday when I shared a mocha with DS2 and had a few bites of DD's doughnut. I'm feeling thirsty and and kind of gross (nauseated) a lot of the time, but not so it's getting in the way of me doing anything. It would totally suck if the Domperidone stopped working.

Dr. C says he's going to try and get me off the speaking splint when I see him in 6 weeks. I'm trying to be a good patient and do my jaw stabilization exercises but I'm not, I'm supposed to do them 6x/day and I'm lucky if I remember to do them once or twice. Well, that's better than nothing, right?

I hate that I'm doing this, listing out every little thing that's bothering me -- but if I don't write it down I won't remember it (maybe that would be a good thing) -- well it would be OK if these problems went away but, not to be a pessimist or anything, with me, they aren't going away.

DH picked up my new Levoxyl, so I'll start it tomorrow as instructed. Maybe I'll feel better?

baaaaa!

That's "Baaaaa!" not "Bah!" Happy Easter!

This year I remembered the lamb cake pan I bought off eBay a few years ago, and the kids were enthusiastic about making one, so we went for it.

It came without directions, so I had to wing it. For future reference, here's what I learned:
- Grease and flour the pan very thoroughly, or it will stick
- the pan is not big enough to hold an entire cake mix, but it will hold more than half of one
- fill the pan basically up to the top but don't mound it in the center or it will cook over in huge globs
- referencing the previous point, put the mold on a cookie sheet before you put it in the oven, otherwise you could end up with a huge mess in your oven. It's much easier to clean a cookie sheet
- do take care to fill up the ear wells, because while the batter puffs up, it won't expand outward to fill the well
- contrary to some instructions you may find on the web, you do not fill both halves of the mold and then put them together with frosting. You put the front of the mold on your cookie sheet and fill it, then you attach the back part of the mold to the front and you bake it. The cake rises to fill the mold, or, if you don't put enough batter in, you get a lamb with a great front and flat back. I know this because after over-filling the first time, I under-filled the second, but doesn't it look cute anyway? I don't care about the back of the cake and I doubt anyone else ever will.
- in my oven, I had to bake it for an hour. Last night's first attempt fell apart because it wasn't baked to the point of having a nice brown crust that gave it some structural integrity. A white lamb cake tastes awesome -- delicate cake, mmm -- but falls apart before you can frost it.
- organic coconut flakes are a lot smaller than regular shredded coconut, which would work a lot better.
- recognize that this is more for show than eating (see point above on baking the cake to the point where it's firm), although the kids love the gobs of frosting

All in all, a successful outcome. Yesterday's practice lamb is just about gone, and we've already eaten half of the "overflow" cake made from the leftover batter. This is the frosting I used:


Meringue-Stabilized Buttercream Frosting

1 + 1/2 lb confectioner's sugar, sifted
3/4 C (about) Spectrum organic shortening
1/3 C water
2 T Just Whites powdered egg whites
1/8 t cream of tartar
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt

Combine the water, Just Whites, and cream of tartar in a large mixing bowl. Beat at high speed until peaks form. Stir in 1/3 of the sugar, mix to blend. Alternately add the shortening and the rest of the sugar, beating well after each addition. Add the vanilla and the salt, beat well. Be sure to beat at high speed for at least 1-2 minutes to incorporate enough air so that the frosting will be spreadable. It "sets", which is essential here where it can be so hot -- and it tastes great.

rain

I'm up late listening to the rain, wondering why I have enough willpower to avoid the jellybeans, etc but not enough to 1) do my schoolwork ahead of time or 2) go to bed at a decent hour.

Today was busy: made 2 dozen hard-cooked eggs to be dyed tomorrow, did 4 loads of laundry (which takes a while given the antique status of the dryer), and attempted a cake in the lamb cake mold I bought off eBay sometime in the past few years. The first two efforts were relatively successful (a few of the eggs cracked, no big deal), but the cake was a disaster: underbaked, and therefore incapable of holding up.

The kids assure me it tastes great, though, so they'll have practice cake to eat on Saturday and I'll make another for Easter.

The PA at my doctor's office thinks the flank pain is nerve-related and sent me for x-rays. I haven't heard anything back on them yet, and I'm still waiting to hear about my thyroid bloodwork, as well. I feel off somehow, but not getting enough sleep is contributing to that, I'm sure. We'll see what the docs say. In the meantime I have a prescription for neurontin that I'm not taking because, you know, the pain just isn't that bad, most of the time.

For the record, I did try to do some of my reading this afternoon, but I couldn't keep my eyes open and ended up napping instead. Come to think of it, that may in fact explain why I'm still up now.

RotFP

Return of the Flank Pain... bad enough these past couple of days that I've taken ibuprofen (helped) or Aleve (didn't) to make it go away. It has been bothering me on and off since November, but lately it has stepped up a bit in intensity.

The first time I had flank pain, I was torquing my back getting DS2 into and out of his car seat, so that was about 7 years ago. I did a round of physical therapy and learned stretches for my quadratus lumborum, as well as strengthening exercises. The stretches aren't helping. I just looked at them again and realized the pain is up higher, tucked up under the rib cage, so it's a different thing altogether.

That said, I can never distinguish between musculo-skeletal pain and gut pain. I'd like it to go away so I can forget about it, but I'm making a note of it here so I can keep track of when it started to get worse.

I had my thyroid panel run today along with an A1C test to see how my blood sugar's doing. I think I need to step my meds down just a bit, and I hope my insulin metabolism isn't shot by the dietary changes I've had to make since the gastroparesis started late last year. (About the same time as the flank pain... hmmm.)

about that new profile photo

Inspirational, isn't it?

I once had occasion to refer to a particular portrayal of my patron saint as a psychotic teen, and I admit that at times I had problems with her life story. But as I get older I am better at appreciating what it took to do the things she did, and I regret ever dismissing her so lightly.

The original photo, from this post by Ann Althouse, is of a toy crusader she photographed at Ted's Toys in Cincinnati. Frequent Althouse commenter (and photoshopper) Chip Ahoy (read the profile, you'll be glad you did) modified the original image to create my very own Maid of Orleans. Yes, I know the real Jeanne d'Arc didn't use a war hammer, but out here in the blogosphere, I think a hammer-like approach is sometimes called for.

This comment thread is in the spirit of St. Jeanne d'Arc, aka St. Joan of Arc, my patron saint. ("quieti" is me.)

a bitter lesson, learned too soon

Rest in peace, Freddie.

DD's beloved little hamster died in her sleep Saturday evening.

We are all very sad.

... and done!

Overall, the Biology AEPA was an easier test than the Professional Knowledge - Secondary test, because there was a lot fewer (none, actually) fuzzy-thinking "best practices" questions. Also, only one essay, although it was 3+ pages (handwritten).

That said, I still had to outright guess on a few questions. The DNA replication diagram one in particular made absolutely no sense to me, I'd never seen anything like them before. Ah, well. Overall I feel pretty good about it, but I still need to look up phagocytosis and pinocytosis.

I found it odd that there wasn't a single question about photosynthesis, but there was a question about the sodium-potassium ion pumps in neurons. Jiminy Crickett, that's getting down to the atomic level, isn't it? I'm not saying I shouldn't know that stuff (I guessed on that one, too, since I remembered reading about it but none of the important details). Also, I'm not exactly sure how knowing what's caused air pollution in the eastern and midwestern parts of the country versus the western parts is immediately relevant to biology.

Overall, many fewer guesses than last time, and last time I did just fine. I can't imagine I didn't pass, and dread the idea of ever having to take this again. For now I'm just going to put it out of my head, because I won't get my score for another month.

pending...

Tomorrow morning is my AEPA Biology test. I took the practice test and choked on a number of human physiology questions, so I just crammed a bit there. I also realized that my lab experiences have been rather slight and I could get totally hammered there, so I did some reading up there, also, but probably not enough.

It will have to do, and by lunch tomorrow, it will all be over. I'm looking forward to that!

My pencils are sharpened, my ticket printed, and my eraser is at the ready. Now, to get some sleep!

every so often, I get lucky

Skill had nothing to do with this.It's a point-and-shoot camera that fits in my pocket.
Hummingbird drinking ocotillo nectar, Desert Botanical Garden.

Advanced preparation is everything. Cars without reservations aren't even allowed in the parking lot.
Foreground: Floats. Background: Red reeds. Both Chihuly 2008, at the DBG through May.

Goofing around by a ramada, my three kiddos enjoying their spring break.
Then again, it's true that we make our own luck.

for Nina

Riotous spring, Sonoran desert style

Ocean colors -- or should I say Ocean's author's favorite colors -- at the Desert Botanical Garden. This picture was one among dozens I snapped today, of Chihuly glasswork, butterflies, and children. It is impossible for me to see bright blue and yellow together and not think, "Nina's colors!"

Unlike me, Nina keeps mum about anything that belies her claim to sturdy Polish peasant stock. (My own Polish peasant stock is apparently locked in full-time battle with my Scots-Irish potato-famine-weakened stock). Regardless: today is a good day to send her digital flowers and good thoughts.

generational wisdom

I'm old enough now where it's going to happen more and more often -- someone I know, or know of, is going to die. Today, it was Ron Silver, the formerly liberal actor who had a Road to Damascus moment after 9/11, and spoke at the 2004 Republican National Convention.

Silver died from a cancer he had been battling for two years. I hope that his family and friends can gain some comfort, knowing that his suffering is over now.

I'm reminded of a hospital conversation I had with my Dad: Nothing lasts forever. Knowing that, you can savor the sweet moments attentively and endure the bad ones with grace. His suffering ended, too.

That life lesson reminded me of another, from my Nana, my father's mother. We were living in Dorchester, and she was staying with us. I may have been around 7 or 8 years old. I saw her stoop down to pick up something from the floor of the hall, a piece of thread or scrap of paper that didn't belong there. I asked her why she had done that -- she was there for a visit, not to clean the house, why did she bother? If I don't do it, who will? she said. To me, this was an entirely new attitude towards something that needed to be done: the idea of taking responsibility. When you're a little kid, it doesn't occur to you that you have that kind of power, or that kind of obligation. Nana had it down cold. If she could do it, she would, and not leave it for someone else to do -- nor would she ever make work for someone else if she could avoid it.

I am not as diligent or observant as I should be in following Nana's example, but I still remember it, going on forty years later. The real trick is teaching it to my own kids. I haven't quite figured that out yet.

44 ounces

That ovarian cyst-ish feeling I blogged about a while ago still hasn't gone away, although it's not causing me extreme pain anymore. There's just a dull ache that sometimes ratchets up to more but is generally constant. After 5 weeks of this nonsense I caved and went to my gynecologist, who felt what he thought was scar tissue but sent me for a pelvic ultrasound to check things out more thoroughly.

Monday, I'll be drinking 44 ounces of water in a half-hour period ending one hour before my appointment time. This procedure hugely inflates the bladder and so displaces the intestines so the ultrasound can more easily see what's going on in there. As far as I'm concerned, this prep qualifies as torture, especially to a woman whose main symptom is feeling like she needs to pee all the time.

I discussed with the scheduler whether or not I needed to do it. I actually went back in to ask the doctor about it, and he was sympathetic but insisted that I really do.

Now I have half a mind to just blow it off but that's irresponsible. I'll only be miserable for a couple of hours, and no lasting damage will be inflicted. I'm trying hard not to create some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy of doom, but it's not easy.

I'll be spending all weekend trying not to think about it.

Update: It wasn't so bad. This was the first post-hysterectomy pelvic ultrasound I've had, and it turns out that not having a uterus makes it easier on two fronts: first, there's more room for all that liquid, and second, the ultrasound itself is much less complex since there's no need to examine that major organ.

The right ovary looked a lot bigger than the left ovary, but that could have been because of zooming or the angle/perspective. I was able to watch the scan but I was not attentive enough to remember how big the two ovaries were while the tech was measuring them. It will be 3-5 days before I hear anything, which means it could go to next week.

bio labs

The introductory biology course I'm taking is designated BIO100. Instead of being a 14-week semester, it's compressed into 8 weeks. Over the course of this 8 weeks there are 6 labs, 5 essay assignments, 2 take-home tests, a mid-term, and a final exam -- that last is coming up quickly, March 21.

I will be so happy when this class is over. I happy to confirm that I do, in fact, love the material. I came into it thinking it would be mostly review, but it has been years (decades, really) since I took a formal bio course, and there have been lots of changes. Last time I studied taxonomy, for example, there were only two kingdoms, not five. It's very cool, learning all this new stuff. It's all very cool studying this stuff at a college level (getting into the nitty-gritty of cellular metabolism reactions, for example) rather than a high school or AP course level. But still, it's a grind, and since I worked three days this week and then went on an all-day field trip on Friday, I was scurrying today to do my lab.

The labs have been fun. Today's was on plant pigment chromatography.

Preparing the chromatography paper with drops of plant pigment

I was happy they gave us enough material to do this lab twice. The first run I used regular red-leaf lettuce which didn't have enough red pigment in it to be at all distinguished from the spinach. The photo above shows my second attempt using red oak lettuce which is totally purple and perfect for this lab. I was sure to use more plant material and more acetone on my second round, and covered the bowls while the pigment was steeping so the acetone wouldn't evaporate as it had in my first attempt. (One thing I didn't like about this lab was the loosey-goosey directions. I would've preferred "cut a two-inch square piece of plant material and cover with 20 mL acetone", then I'd know I was going to get a good amount of pigment in the solution.)

Capillary action at work. This jar contained the acetone solvent.

Results were pretty cool. I should've done the reading first because then I wouldn't have been surprised by how much chlorophyll was in the red oak lettuce. Note the abundance of green pigment on all four strips (2 were spinach, 2 were red oak lettuce; one of each was dipped in water, one of each was dipped in acetone).
Results that look like they came from an actual lab experiment!

Kitchen counter labs have an aura of weirdness about them, at least to me. I think my favorite was the one where I got to see the effect of a recessive gene for sickle cell anemia among a population where malaria was prevalent.
Playing God.

I'd choose a pair of "alleles" (beans) at random from a bag, and if I got two dominant hemoglobin A genes, I'd have to flip a coin to see if the individual got malaria and died. I felt sad every time I had to put a pair of beans into the "non-surviving alleles" bowl. It was sad. The whole exercise didn't even take 15 minutes but it was instructive.

Meanwhile, I'm gardening:

Interesting crop selection, yes?

This was taken a couple of weeks ago -- everything is growing and is at least 2 inches tall by now. It's a shame, really, because I'm about to spray half of them with a selective herbicide for my last lab. After 2-3 weeks of nurturing and hoping the cats don't eat them, I don't really want to kill half of them off, but in science, we have to be tough about these things.

cleared that hurdle

I passed my Professional Knowledge - Secondary Education exam.

Yay!

I'm almost halfway through my Bio class and it's crushing me. Just a tremendous amount of work in a very short period of time. Midterm on Friday, or Saturday if my studying does not go well. Whee!

So, where does this leave me in my pursuit of teaching certification?

Well, to get a provisional certificate, you need:
1. application
2. fee (of course)
3. a valid fingerprint clearance card
4. a bachelor's degree from an accredited university
5. completion of an accredited education program, or, for Secondary (middle and high school), 30 hours of education-related courses. Either one must include at least 8 semester hours of practicum (student) teaching, or you can work full time for two years instead of doing the practicum.
6. Professional Knowledge test
7. Subject matter test (in my case, biology, test day March 28)
8. Verification of 3 semester hours of SEI training (structured English immersion, my last horribly painful class)
9. US constitution
10. AZ constitution

Fortunately for me, 1 & 2 aren't at issue right now, 3,4,6 & 8 are now done, and 7 will be finished by April. I'll actually get a few years to complete 9 & 10 -- it's #5 that's the big stickler at this point. I have 3 1-credit courses, 2 3-credit courses, and 2 2-credit courses to go as far as classwork, then 8 credits of student teaching.

I still have to apply to the program, though. It would be so great if MIT could send Rio my transcript in such a way that Rio would know what to do with it.

Yeah, this is going to take a while.

field trip!

DS1's class, studying the Medieval Period of European history, took a field trip to the Renaissance Festival today, and I went along as a chaperone. We had a blast.

Dextre Tripp, fabulous showman

We did a lot of walking in the four hours we had, and saw jousts and jugglers, tried archery, walked through the dungeon museum, saw birds of prey and a fabulous whip-cracker.

DS1 and his best friend, with lunch

After escaping the maze and displaying feats of strength, the boys were fortified by smoked turkey legs, roasted corn, and anachronistic french fries. Shopping? Sure: they bought bows from Bows of the Risen Son (note the spelling there), while I chose a basic contact juggling kit from Sphereplay. I still can't manage regular juggling (so much for my 2008 New Year's resolution) but this looks amazingly cool and strangely relaxing, so I thought I'd try it. Why shouldn't Mom buy herself a new toy every now and then?

An exhausting but really great day.

so much

I can scarcely believe so many days have gone by since I last posted. Two birthdays, hours and hours of biology, substitute teaching, field trips, shopping, cooking, ferrying, another ThyCa meeting --

I've been really good about not staying up too late, because I've been so busy, until today.

Healthwise, briefly: RA is moderately bad, the twinge in my left Achilles was doing better until today when I re-tweaked it at Bounce U (DS2's party), I started on 137 mcg Levoxyl (actuall, the generic, there was a screw-up) on Feb 11. Also, I've had symptoms of an ovarian cyst since last Saturday (Feb 7), I'm giving it a bit more time to see if it goes away. It seems better today but that may be just because I'm eating much smaller quantities in an effort to stave off intense abdominal pain.

The ovarian cyst, if that's really what's going on, could be the un-thought-of consequence of the big shift back to carbohydrates my diet has suffered. I can't digest vegetables or fruit in any significant quantity; gone are the days when I could have a big, delicious salad for lunch. Even soup gives me problems! And I don't do that great with fats and only moderately well with proteins, and I have to eat something, so I eat more carbs. I'd completely forgotten that I have PCOS because when I limit my carbs, I don't. (Also, the hysterectomy I had in 2003 makes it easy for me to forget about ovary-related issues, until something bad happens.) Apparently, that remission was conditional.

At least both the internet and my car are working reliably these days, knock on wood, and it sure would be nice to know why but I am not complaining. Plus, school is going well despite my feeling as if I am constantly behind, and the ThyCa meeting went well also. Everything's pretty much OK or better than OK with us and I wish I felt better so I could enjoy it more.

phase 1 complete

I took my Professional Knowledge test today. It was a little more grueling than I expected -- 100 multiple choice questions instead of 80, and 2 short essays and one long essay, instead of 3 short ones. I had to erase my third short essay and expand it into a longer one. It wasn't the writing that troubled me, it was having to erase so bloody much of my miserable handwriting. It's legible, but the pencils were all getting pretty dull by then, and since I'm left-handed, it's hard enough to write with a pencil without smudging.

I have a blister on my thumb from all the writing today. I am not used to writing anything longer than a shopping list long-hand. I'm not about to start journaling with paper and pen again -- ever.

I studied yesterday by taking the practice test, which helped quite a bit. I'm not sure how they score these things but I will be very surprised if I don't pass, even though a lot of the questions were really annoying. So much of Ed Psych and "best teaching practices" are mushy-soft science that you're forced to take a best guess; I hate that.

Biology starts Monday, and by the end of March, the plan will be complete. After today's test, I'm looking forward to working in a hard science where there are right answers and wrong answers. It will be so nice not to have make so many judgment calls.

day(s) of arg!

My car's electrical system is haunted -- it has been flaking out and not starting randomly for the past couple of weeks. It spent the entire day in the shop yesterday after dying at the orthodontist's office (tech found nothing) and again today after flaking out on DH (found a lose ground wire) and I'm hoping that the million+1 diagnostics they ran were accurate and that the lose ground wire was the cause of the problem. I like my service advisor just fine, but I'd like not to have to see her for a couple of months.

I spent >30 minutes on the phone with Rio's admissions, records, and advising departments to see if anyone could locate the transcript that MIT was supposed to have sent over. No luck, which means calling MIT and finding out if they did send it, and to whom, and did they by any chance put my current name on the thing? Sheesh.

The water softener isn't working properly and the shower water doesn't feel nearly as nice as it usually does. Service call on Friday morning.

The light in the stairwell works when it feels like it, which is not often. This has been going on for a few weeks now -- electrician's coming on Friday morning, too.

Our internet service has been extremely unreliable lately, and for such an extended period that I actually called the service provider. After the usual interminable wait, the tech told me that they are, for once, not having any issues, but that the modem is 9 years old and that may be the source of the problem. Ironically it has been working flawlessly since I called... but now that I've written that, I can expect catastrophic failure in the near future.

My web host inexplicably changed my password without any advance notification. I've had problems with these people before but I'm paid up for like the next three years and I'm too cheap to switch, but I'm seriously considering it now. This post was written on Tuesday, January 20. Let's see when I can actually get it to publish -- because when I requested a new password, the email didn't come through. Later: only 15 minutes on hold and I got through to a tech who emailed me the password directly. It's a string of gibberish which I will reset back to my old, strong password asap. Sheesh (again).

Got up at 6AM the past 2 days to take Mom to her tests at the hospital. They went fine and we are very pleased with the care she is receiving, but getting up at 6AM makes the days very long, especially with the extra driving (dropping DH off at work, picking him up again, going to get my car at the service center.)

Tomorrow, an early appointment with Dr. C, my TMD (the joint is TMJ, if it's messed up, you have TMD) doctor. My face hurts and there's definitely something going on with my salivaries, but I can't be sure it's not referred pain from teeth grinding. I know I've been grinding, I don't think I can not grind my teeth, which means I may be headed for an appliance I wear all the time. Ick.

All of these are piddly little things, nothing but inconveniences, really. Here's the worst: I spaced on ordering my meds from Canada, and now I'm down to about 24 Domperidone pills to get me through however long the next batch will take to get here. I think it's typically about 2 weeks but it can be longer. I let myself take a couple before bed so I don't feel like puking in the morning. If I had any ideas that I didn't really need to take this medication, this experience is showing me otherwise. I feel horrid in the evenings now, but I figure it's better to have the promise of relief at bedtime and stretch what I have as far as possible, rather than have to go completely cold turkey with none at all for who-knows-how-long. I really have to pay more attention to these things, it was just inattentiveness that led to this predicament.

My biology class starts Monday and will be a lot of work. Assignments are due Wed and Sat at midnight, and those hard deadlines will be a great incentive to get me to do the work. My teacher test is this Saturday! I'm excited and terrified at the same time, although that feeling in the pit of my stomach may have more to do with the lack of medication than anything else. (I am planning on taking a normal day's dosage on test day -- I can't go in there feeling as if I'm going to puke.)

Here's hoping that things get a little easier going forward -- even if that meant just that the car stopped being flaky, it would be a tremendous help.

however unlikely --

The Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl. How weird is that?

I watched the good half of the game, but was spared from watching most of the frustrating half by a telephone call from an old and dear friend -- it was lovely, and the Cards won without my angst.

marking time

Turns out my class doesn't start for two more weeks.

I want to get on with it! I want to get those tests out of the way. I don't like that I have them looming over me, on the horizon but weeks away.

I also hate wishing my life away, wanting time to go by faster. I am not good at this, waiting. I'd much rather be working -- and will be, later this week. In the meantime, thrashing about as usual.

ThyCa East Valley

Tomorrow (technically, later today), I'll be facilitating the first meeting of the ThyCa East Valley Thyroid Cancer Support Group at the Cancer Center at Chandler Regional Hospital. We'll be meeting the second Thursday of each month (except July) from 6:30 to 8:30PM in the Education Room.

I'm oddly calm about this. Normally I would be bouncing off the wall with anxiety, sort of like, "What if I gave a party and no one came?" But I know people will come, and in reality, it would be easier if people didn't come. It's nice when fewer people come -- I rationalize -- because that means fewer people have been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. (There are, of course, many other explanations, but that's the one I'm sticking with.)

I had trepidations initially about working with the Hospital, as they have rules about what you can and can't say -- but the reality is, I've been working with those rules for years now. I'm not a doctor and I can't give medical advice. I can say, "The protocol says this." I can say, "I have experienced this, other patients have experienced this other thing." I can say, "That's a good question for your doctor." In other words, I have to be careful how I say things, but that has been true all along.

Tomorrow also will be my first orientation session to become a volunteer at the Hospital. I don't need to do that, it's just to make things a little easier on my end, and give me the ability to run a meeting without my hospital-employed co-facilitator present, if necessary. It would be a shame to have to cancel a meeting if she couldn't make it.

The last time I managed a group of adults was years ago, at Oracle. It was a small group but I dealt with many people, as we were responsible for communicating requirements from three different application groups to the tools guys, and then we had to wrap an interface around those tools to meet the UI requirements of the app guys. It was fun. This is entirely different, of course, but I like the idea of having my own group again. I also like that the goals are well-defined and I already know what to do -- that's a big help.

It's odd knowing exactly when a new baby will be born. I have no idea how quickly this one will grow, or what it's going to require of me in the long run. So far I've been able to manage the phone calls and emails, and admin tasks have been minimal. There are things I'd love to do, like a mailing to the area doctors announcing the group and our meeting schedule, and I still may be able to pull that off, but we'll have to see. My class starts Monday and my professional knowledge exam is the 24th -- things are going to get very, very busy.