Friday, September 29, 2006

by the skin of my teeth

Is there such a state as nearly depressed?

I feel like crying all the time, but so far haven't.

I feel like staying in bed all day, but so far I keep getting up.

I think, It will be nice when I'm dead and don't have to deal with this [censored] body anymore. But I know I'm not ready to give up yet, and I'll be damned if I'll let anyone else raise my kids, or leave it all for my husband to do himself. He's a good man, he deserves more than that.

I'm doing a good job faking it so far. Last night I tried to crawl out of the doldrums by crawling into the kitchen, and I made "a feast!" for dinner. Lots of things that everyone loves, which meant two hours of prep, which was fine. Keeping the hands busy helps a little. Keeping the brain busy (driving, reading) helps too.

But when I stop, it's still there and I wish there was a happy pill I could take to make it go away.

Too much pain (real physical pain that the Aleve takes the edge off but doesn't quite kill). And too many questions, some will be answered on Monday when I meet with the surgeon. Until then I'm just hanging on.


sixty-five said...

Believe that people who don't even know you are thinking good thoughts, hoping for miracles. I know you will beat this. And you write so beautifully!

nina said...

Yes, I remember days like that some ten years ago. My body was failing me. Every hour reminded me of something that was off. i could not shake it.

When this passes, so will thoughts of how difficult it all is.

It will pass. And you'll write in your blog -- wow, I am so glad that it's all behind me.

Curtis Edmonds said...

Well, of course you're depressed. I read four or five of your posts and now I'm depressed. It's depressing. Especially the part about doing laundry. (We have been told that if we buy a new house in the neighborhood where we're looking for a new house that there will be no laundry chute; now that's depressing.)

Anyway, so many damn things are depressing, and so many of them are happening to you. You have a right to be depressed. Heck, you have a duty to be depressed -- at least for awhile. You can give yourself two whole spin cycles if you want.

Lukey said...

Hey. I stumbled across your post because you had something about TMJ on it... and I'm studying medicine. I read your first post because I can relate to how you feel. I have panic/anxiety disorder and depression. It's getting better, as soon as I saw a doctor my life began to get better. Please do the same :)