Is there such a state as nearly depressed?
I feel like crying all the time, but so far haven't.
I feel like staying in bed all day, but so far I keep getting up.
I think, It will be nice when I'm dead and don't have to deal with this [censored] body anymore. But I know I'm not ready to give up yet, and I'll be damned if I'll let anyone else raise my kids, or leave it all for my husband to do himself. He's a good man, he deserves more than that.
I'm doing a good job faking it so far. Last night I tried to crawl out of the doldrums by crawling into the kitchen, and I made "a feast!" for dinner. Lots of things that everyone loves, which meant two hours of prep, which was fine. Keeping the hands busy helps a little. Keeping the brain busy (driving, reading) helps too.
But when I stop, it's still there and I wish there was a happy pill I could take to make it go away.
Too much pain (real physical pain that the Aleve takes the edge off but doesn't quite kill). And too many questions, some will be answered on Monday when I meet with the surgeon. Until then I'm just hanging on.