Friday, July 09, 2004

beachin', bitchin'


DS2 was only marginally better today, until late this evening when he really perked up. That was strange but welcome.

Went to the beach today with the kiddos and my godson, the pharmacist, and his girlfriend. They make pleasant conversation. I'm afraid they think I'm a right-wing whacko now, though, because they mentioned that they had seen "Farenheit 9/11" and asked me if I had seen it or would see it, and I replied, no, because I am as opposed to Michael Moore as it is possible to be. Girlfriend asked me, "Why is that?" and I gave a rather impassioned and lengthy reply as to how he lies and manipulates the media (the whole distribution flap) but I was pleased because when Girlfriend mentioned that, well, wasn't it odd that the bin Laden family got to leave the country when no one else was, I said I didn't know, she'd have to take that up with Richard Clarke because he's the one who gave them clearance to leave... then I changed the topic to "Spider-Man 2" which is much safer, of course.

The beach was wonderful even though DS2 got a bit cranky. Poor dear. DS1 and DD had so much fun playing in the waves. I got them all their first-ever ice cream truck treats. That was a lot of fun.

Tomorrow, driving up to Sudbury to see P&C and their kids. I am really looking forward to it.

Oh, had a long and somewhat upsetting conversation with DH last night where I realized once again that I just can't ever question what he does, no matter what my tone or circumstances, because he just gets all defensive and nasty. He has been so happy lately because we don't have these fights, and I realized we haven't been fighting because I have just learned to let it all go, because I don't need to understand him, and there's no point in rehashing something that has already happened if there's nothing to be learned from it... perspective, timing, etc. But yesterday I forgot that "no questioning" rule I had imposed on myself (to keep the peace) and so of course there was a fight.

That's all surprisingly OK, because I don't need to pick fights with my DH. I can get everything I need to know from him in other ways... it's just a matter of my own discipline. I know what sets him off, so I (usually) just don't do it.

It was hard talking last night because he brought up the time when, he says, I was "completely insane." That's rough to hear, although there is some truth to it, but I'm better now. But even writing about it makes me sad, because I don't think I have ever been a vindictive or mean person, and he said I was vicious. Or something like that. I never meant to be mean. I have honestly never done anything intentionally to hurt him (a few other people, yes, but him, no --) I have thoughtlessly, carelessly hurt him probably many times but I have never said or done anything deliberately to cause him pain, and I don't think he believes that.

Anyway, he attributes our current peaceful era to the advent of my thyroid treatment. I thought that was interesting. Depression was a huge deep pit for me and it took me a lot longer to climb out of it than I realized at that time. I would reach a certain level of recovery and look back and think, "Wow, I'm so much better now," but then a few months later, I would,could, and did honestly think the same thing again.

I don't know now if I'm completely well yet. I think I'm pretty close but there are a few odd things, here and there, strange paranoid/fearful patterns of thought that I attribute to my thyroid being out of whack again, or lack of sleep, I don't know. So far they are not preventing me from living my life so I am not stressing about it.

To bed now, but first, SI exercises, I can feel how "out" my hip is from carrying DS2 around all day...

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