not tonight, dear

I said yesterday I'd write more about Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars, but I just can't right now. I need to let it settle in more, I think.

It was glorious. Even the parts that were cheesy. And I cried (but not at the cheesy parts).
(heavy sigh)

Today was tell-everyone-about-my-surgery day, and I ended up on the phone nearly all day long. That has both good parts and bad parts. I love feeling so connected to so many people, but it is rather traumatic to keep revisiting the same (frankly, scary) details over and over again.

The new furniture is coming tomorrow. Yay!

I finished wrapping up the art work and hauled it over to UPS -- it's gone! Yay!

Tomorrow is housecleaning and maybe a few groceries. Wednesday, pick up Mom at the airport.

I'm trying not to freak out. On the surface things seem to be going well, but underneath, I'm not so sure.

I made my awesome seafood soup tonight (hot liquids really help my throat feel better) and the house still smells delicious.

It's weird to me how I can navigate with relative success through the day when I feel like I am about to crumble inside.

I was thinking about DD, how she is a "little mother" to DS2, how helpful she is, and how kind she can be. She would be totally screwed up if I died, I think, moreso than the boys. I wonder if DS2 would remember much about me. He's only three and a half. That's really very little. I have very few memories from that age. So I think that he would have vague impressions of me, and I would have to hope that these include more than just me telling him to "suck it up and deal with it" when he bites his tongue because he was being goofy during dinner. They really shouldn't be silly while eating, because they can't deal with it, something always goes wrong...

DS1, my heart, well, I just can't leave him. Maybe it is stupid, but I have to be here to help DH understand him -- just as DH has to be here sometimes to help me understand DD. (DS2, so far, is completely transparent and therefore a joy.) I "get" my big boy much more than my husband does, and it makes a big difference when certain conflicts arise.

But I do think DH would do a great job even without me. When I'm really depressed I think he'd be better off without me, so this is not depression speaking -- it's just a sort of morbid daydreaming. I probably shouldn't do this, huh? I'm reminded of other times when I endulged in such negative fantasies -- kind of advance planning, so to speak -- and then when those bad things came to pass, the planning actually helped.

I can't leave all these people. I just can't. But there is a part of me that says this is too hard, can I just rest now? for a little while? does it have to be forever? I don't want it to be forever.

There was one line that had such resonance for me in tonight's Farscape. One of the characters has been mortally wounded, and Stark says, "Let me take you to the other side," meaning, let me help you die. And the character responds, "This is the other side. I was hoping to go back," meaning, this life is the transitory one, and the realm beyond is where we really belong.

Kemper and O'Bannon (the writers) certainly got that right.