"I have a bad feeling about this."

That Star Wars quote has been rattling around in my brain for a few days now. I just looked it up, and it really does show up in each of the movies (so far), and I think it even showed up in the Clone Wars shorties on Cartoon Network. (Those rocked, btw, so if you haven't seen them and you ever get a chance, you should watch them, and there are new eps coming in March of 2005. (yay!) )

This would be either 1) my upcoming surgery or 2) the aftermath of it.

Yes, I am expecting really bad things. As I said, I have a bad feeling about this, and unfortunately, my track record with this kind of bad feeling is actually pretty good.

So, while I'm not convinced I'm going to die on the table, I've a horridly sure sense that I don't have too much time left here.

However, I realize that I have some very, very bad brain chemicals or chemical imbalances going on these days (see previous post).

Perversely, this gives me hope. Maybe -- probably, in fact, almost assuredly -- my bad feelings spring not from some awesome intuitive power I have, but from a real, treatable, physically-caused depression.

I think it's reasonable to be afraid at this point. I'm not worried that much about the surgery in and of itself; I'm concerned about what they'll find. I expect my recovery to be either fairly easy and rapid (no or very little cancer, no RAI), or long, drawn out, and very difficult (cancer+ RAI= very hypo for a month).

I think if I need RAI, I will not be able to take care of the kids properly. Heck, I still have the stupid gland and already I'm a basket case. That's the fear.

One of them, anyway. The other big fear is that the depression will deepen to the point where I won't be able to separate real bad feelings from bad feelings caused by metabolic imbalance. I've been in that pit of despair before, and I never, never want to go back, but I'm not sure I'll have much choice.

I don't want to be afraid, but I can't help it. Whatever happens, I'll deal with it, of course. Unless I'm dead, in which case it will be out of my hands.
(Part of me can't believe I just wrote that, the rest of me is saying "shut up, it's what you thought, quit censoring yourself.")

See what I'm dealing with here? I'm going to bed now...