holding pattern

I'm just circling at high altitudes until I get cleared for landing.

IOW, I'm drifting through the days here until I find out when my surgery will be, and that's not until Monday. So I have two more days to go. I don't feel exactly disengaged, but I'm not exactly entirely present, either. Mostly, I'm tired.

It was a good day today, even though I should've cleaned but didn't. Perhaps tomorrow. Things that were good about today:

-- DS2 had school and I did the grocery shopping while he was there, and I don't even think I forgot anything.

-- When I went to pick up DS2 when school was over, he was actually singing along with the class! I was amazed. This is not something he has ever been comfortable doing. He loves to sing at home and in the car, but in the past has always been quiet when out and about. It made me so happy to see him singing and doing all the hand motions about the little frogs being "chomp!"ed by the crocodile. He was having so much fun.

-- DS1 got an award at the Spirit Assembly this morning for all the reading he is doing. He was happy, but he really can't wait for that pizza party that his class will get to have if they read more than any other class! Talk about motivation...

-- After picking up DS1, we went to Borders for snack and reading, and I didn't have to get testy with anyone. I bought a ton of new books for the kids (DS1 has already finished one of them, all 109pp of Summer of the Sea Serpent!). DD loves mochas, I should really just break down and let her get one of her own -- decaf, of course! Anyway, it was nice, and I did read some books to the little ones but then my voice gave out and I had to quit. My throat is still pretty sore. Can't wait for that to be over!

On the flip side, DH is back into worry-mode, he is really ticked with GWB for muffing an opportunity to put this election away last night. I'm not as worried about it as he is, I have more faith in Americans than that. Kerry may have looked better, but he's still spewing inconsistencies, and at this point, I hope and pray that we've learned to look beyond appearances to actual policies.

Then again, I realize I'm wearing rose-colored glasses. I was just over on the LC forum and a bunch of the regulars there are all psyched about going to see Michael Moore speak. I find the man and his tactics loathesome in the extreme. I didn't comment today but daydreamed fondly about posting "Losers!" comments after the election when GWB wins (I hope). It's not something I would actually do, mind you -- it's just fun to think about it. You'd think with all the millions and millions of dollars that the Left is pouring into this election that Kerry would be walking away with it. I'm relieved that's not the case, but there's still quite a bit of time to go, and anything could happen between now & election day.

My stitches seem to be healing fine. The hip doesn't bother me at all, but the shoulder one gets pulled from time to time. Even with the hypoallergenic, non-latex, sensitive skin bandages I'm using, I'm still getting irritation from the adhesive. Grrrrrr. A week to go until the stitches come out. I'm trying to keep the irritation down with cortizone cream, but I think I'm going to have to rotate the type of bandages; right now I'm using little "dots" to minimize the skin that is actually in contact with the adhesive, but I think that's not going to work if the same skin is under the adhesive all the time. This is annoying but it could be tons worse.

One question occurred to me: I wonder if they will change my treatment plan (taking 2 biopsies every two weeks) if any biopsy comes back with melanoma? I have to ask about that. I would think that they might want to be a bit more aggressive about getting them off if there is any cancer.

It's a bit odd: I am completely convinced they won't find any skin cancer, but just as certain that they will find thyroid cancer. I don't exactly know why I feel/think these things, but there it is. Maybe it's just my innate optimism (ha!): thyroid cancer is cureable, melanoma can kill you. If I had to pick one, I'd pick thyroid cancer -- maybe that is, in effect, what I'm doing already. Too bad I don't actually have a say in all of this.

I still wish I could figure out what it is that is causing all this to happen. It just seems like too many events, too closely spaced in time, to be unrelated. I thought: Well, that's something I can discuss with God in the after life, but then I realized I will be free of this wretchedly dysfunctional body and so I won't care anymore!

Please don't get all freakd out if I say I'm actually looking forward to that. I don't have a death wish. It's more like, Hey, cool, I won't have to deal with this crap!, although I'm sure the angels and saints don't talk that way.

To end on a positive note: I realized today that it is a blessing that I look quite well. When you look ill, people get all weird and fussy around you, and I don't want to deal with that. My kids' teachers know about my upcoming surgery, but other than that, I have told only one local friend about it. To look at me, you'd think there's nothing going on with me at all. DH assures me that I'm looking fine, IYKWIM. I don't get that aspect of it, but that's OK because all that really matters is that he does. I like it that my hair is longer now. I like the clothes I have to wear, they fit me and I look good in them. And other than the sore throat, biopsy site irritations, and some fatigue, I'm actually feeling pretty good. My RA is well under control (although that will probably flare after the surgery), and my digestive problems haven't resurfaced: yay! Those two things really diminished my quality of life for many, many months, so it's great, really great, to be free of them.

It's encouraging to remind myself of these things from time to time: I develop these problems, but I can deal with them, and then I get on with my life. There's no reason to think this latest round of diagnoses is going to be any different. Onward!