done (failure)

Well, I have officially quit the political discussions by posting the following statement:

I quit.

I'm having a thyroidectomy next Thursday; my doctor thinks it's cancer.

This used to be a rather entertaining distraction from that pending too-real reality, but it isn't working anymore, in fact it's just making me more agitated.

Have fun, girls. I'm outta here.

I thought about just walking away, but I didn't want to be viewed as slinking off with my tail between my legs.

I thought about saying, "I have to quit spending so much time on this," but that just sounds lame.

So, I thought, time for the truth: I literally can't deal with this right now. I am extremely agitated today, and I'm not sure why. This has been a tough week, and I'm very tired.

We went out to the lunch at In-and-Out, then to the much cheaper furniture store, where the furniture was nice looking but much more cheaply made, and you could tell. I think we'll stick with the pricey stuff. Then we went to Joanne's and I finally got a piece of foam to shore up our sagging couch, and wow, does it ever! I should've done it a long time ago.

Then we went to Borders for a dessert and coffee. I'm bummed because I couldn't find NRODT ("National Review on Dead Trees", hee), but that's OK. They had beautiful full-color illustrated versions of The Little House books on sale, buy 2 get one free, so I bought all 9 for DD for her birthday. She was oblivious, since I allowed each kid to pick out a Halloween teeny-beanie baby. I can't help it, they're adorable. And not too pricey, either. Small and affordable, what's not to like?

I told the staff at Border's we won't be back for a while because of my surgery. They always notice when we're away for any length of time, so I didn't feel it was inappropriate to tell them. I assured them everything was going to be OK, but that our regular routine was going to be interrupted for a few weeks. A good half-dozen people on staff there wished me well. I really like it that we know everyone there and they know us. It shows you can form relationships (of a sort) even in this rather sprawling and isolating city. We've got the same sort of thing with all the folks at Trader Joe's, too. It's very cool.

When we got home, I got back on the computer, where there is a full scale war going on over the subject of gay marriage and Kerry's inability to adhere to Catholic precepts. One of the girls snarks something about "divorced people demonstrating by their actions that they are not Catholic" and that was the last straw. It was so obviously a personal remark aimed at me that I was literally taken aback. I thought about answering, even typed up an answer, but then thought better of it -- I can't go there with these people. They have no clue what I have been through, and they just continue to denigrate me and my views... there's just no point.

I didn't post the "thinks it's cancer" stuff because I want their sympathy - far from it. I posted it so they would know that I'm not wimping out for some lame-ass reason. I've got serious issues to deal with, here, and getting agitated over online political discussions is just not good for me now.

I know I'm agitated because I'm exhausted and I really miss DH, but also because I'm frustrated at my inability to express myself clearly to these people. Maybe anyone arguing my positions would find themselves where I am now, but since I'm the one in the discussion, I'm the one feeling like a failure.

I tried, I really tried, not to be condescending or insulting or rude, but apparently I failed at that, too. Maybe that, too, is because of how I'm being read, but a good writer should convey what she intends to convey, with the appropriate tone. But I do think the opposition assumes a tone on my behalf and then fits whatever I say into that framework. Who can beat those odds?

I tried, I'm done. I did get the conservative/pro-Bush/anti-Kerry side out there on a few issues at least, so perhaps it wasn't a total failure. But again, I feel like a failure. If I didn't have the surgery coming up,and all the attendant pressures with it, I wouldn't allow myself to quit like this. But I do, and so I am.

I hate feeling like this. It's really not done, crying in front of the kids.
Maybe later.