We had a couple of slow weeks at school, with the students were in standardized testing, when we weren't allowed to give homework or tests or quizzes. My eighth graders had targeted review work, which basically amounted to a participation grade. But I assigned a cool in-class project to my seventh graders, which had multiple parts and really let them be creative while still demonstrating that they had learned something. Those things were due a while ago, as were my eighth graders' physics workbooks (that sort came before and after the standardized testing.)
For some reason, I just got out of the habit of attacking the grading asap, and I just let them sit around too long, which ended with my having to really power through huge stacks of stuff in order to be ready for this week's progress reports. I have to stop scheduling project and lab due dates within a day or two of quizzes and tests, because then I'm just buried in grading and it takes me a while to dig out.
The trick, of course, is not to get behind, so today I graded all the reviews & quizzes, and put them all in the grade book, so I won't have to think about them again. It seems rather stupid and obvious to be writing about this ("Do the work. It's not complicated.") but I keep putting myself into this same jam, at least this year, when I seem to fall into a funk and don't do anything after school.
My life is really not set up to do nothing after school. If I don't work then, I won't get done what needs to get done!
My students are still bouncing off the walls, and I'm spending way too much time taking their "points" away and emailing their parents about it. Still, I have to be strong about this now or it's only going to get worse. It's not for too much longer now, anyway!
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
T. S. Eliot was right
April really is the cruelest month.
Nature-wise, everything is blooming and beautiful and the weather is mild and delightful, so my complaint is not with the unfulfilled promise of the season seen in more northerly, harsher climates.
No, April is just the cruelest month for teachers and probably for students, too, who have to deal with standardized testing that throws everyone off for at least a few weeks. Then, after the extended hiatus, we're exhorted to jump right back into curriculum and "finish strong."
The students have checked out! They think they're done for the year when we have six weeks left. I have enough experience with this to know that this happens every year, and that this first post-testing week is crucial in re-establishing procedures and expectations for behavior and productivity. If I let anything slide now, by the end of the year my classroom will be a madhouse.
We're all loading up the students with work and assessments, and they're resisting, for now. With any luck, if we keep the pressure on, we'll be back to normal by next week, or the week after... soon May will be here, and the last day of school will be on us before we know it.
Nature-wise, everything is blooming and beautiful and the weather is mild and delightful, so my complaint is not with the unfulfilled promise of the season seen in more northerly, harsher climates.
No, April is just the cruelest month for teachers and probably for students, too, who have to deal with standardized testing that throws everyone off for at least a few weeks. Then, after the extended hiatus, we're exhorted to jump right back into curriculum and "finish strong."
The students have checked out! They think they're done for the year when we have six weeks left. I have enough experience with this to know that this happens every year, and that this first post-testing week is crucial in re-establishing procedures and expectations for behavior and productivity. If I let anything slide now, by the end of the year my classroom will be a madhouse.
We're all loading up the students with work and assessments, and they're resisting, for now. With any luck, if we keep the pressure on, we'll be back to normal by next week, or the week after... soon May will be here, and the last day of school will be on us before we know it.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
a bit on the nose
I had a dream last night that I was a passenger in a car. My mother was driving (this surprised me, even in the dream; Mom hasn't driven much since 2010) and my two sisters were in the back, and we were talking about a meal we'd just had together. Mom was talking about the dessert, I think, but I couldn't tell because suddenly her words weren't actual words, even though her tone and inflection were still normal. In the dream, I realize that she's having another attack of aphasia and realize she needs help. I ask her to pull over, and the car slowly drifts to the shoulder, but keeps moving. Becoming more distressed, I ask her to put the car in park, to change the gear -- but looking over, there's now no one in the driver's seat, so I grab the gear lever on the steering column and force it up, and the car stops. I look in the back and see Mom's now back there, flanked by my sisters, the three of them somewhat crowded in the back, and I think, That looks uncomfortable. And then I woke up.
***
So, yes, my subconscious saw fit to inform me that even if I feel I have no control over my life, I actually do. Or, I could, if I would just take it. Thanks, unconscious brain!
***
I have heard hundreds of sermons on the transformative power of love. Sometimes, though, you can hear a thing many times before you actually understand it. Fr Rafael today spoke about how the act of loving changes us, as much if not more so than being loved, using the example of Peter's profession of love for Jesus from this week's gospel. This actually ties back to the out-of-control dream, which connects to my recent discouragement at work (which, you know, is actually school.)
I have a student who drove me crazy last year in seventh grade and was making me nuts this year, too, until I just decided to stop that and really listen to him and be kind. It would be delightful to say that he's really turned around and become a great student, but that's never going to happen for many reasons -- but it is delightful that he doesn't vex me anymore.
It's also delightful that I'm having visits from all the younger children, who have so much fun in my classroom. My colleagues can't understand why I'm so willing to give up my prep hour to have the littles come in. It's a bit awkward to tell them I love them, and really mean it, but I do. And when I say I love teaching junior high students, they're like toddlers in teenagers' bodies, and they change so much over these two years, they need so much help! I really mean that, too.
I am never happy if I'm holding back.
***
On the other hand... I (finally) know myself well enough to know that minor bumps get blown up in my imagination or psyche into major dramas, and if I talk about it, or write about, or obsess about it... everything gets worse. I think about what I should do or say, when, where, how, to whom, endlessly looking for a solution to a problem that probably doesn't even exist. So if I'm upset about something, I'm going to make myself at least sleep on it before deciding whether or not it's actually "a thing" that requires attention.
I can actually do this now, whereas in the past I couldn't detach myself. I'm glad about that, but wondering what took me so long. Or perhaps I've had this ability in the past (something seems familiar about this resolution) and just forgot, or lost it.
Trying this recently, very few incidents survive to become "things" that need me to do anything. I can feel sad about something without having to try to change it, and I can let others manage their own affairs.
This approach leaves me with some energy to apply to useful and pleasant activities that help offset that sadness and frustration. This week that meant sending another article idea to my adviser, because if teaching is making me a little crazy, writing about teaching intrigues me. I know it'll take months and months, but I want to publish.
***
So, yes, my subconscious saw fit to inform me that even if I feel I have no control over my life, I actually do. Or, I could, if I would just take it. Thanks, unconscious brain!
***
I have heard hundreds of sermons on the transformative power of love. Sometimes, though, you can hear a thing many times before you actually understand it. Fr Rafael today spoke about how the act of loving changes us, as much if not more so than being loved, using the example of Peter's profession of love for Jesus from this week's gospel. This actually ties back to the out-of-control dream, which connects to my recent discouragement at work (which, you know, is actually school.)
I have a student who drove me crazy last year in seventh grade and was making me nuts this year, too, until I just decided to stop that and really listen to him and be kind. It would be delightful to say that he's really turned around and become a great student, but that's never going to happen for many reasons -- but it is delightful that he doesn't vex me anymore.
It's also delightful that I'm having visits from all the younger children, who have so much fun in my classroom. My colleagues can't understand why I'm so willing to give up my prep hour to have the littles come in. It's a bit awkward to tell them I love them, and really mean it, but I do. And when I say I love teaching junior high students, they're like toddlers in teenagers' bodies, and they change so much over these two years, they need so much help! I really mean that, too.
I am never happy if I'm holding back.
***
On the other hand... I (finally) know myself well enough to know that minor bumps get blown up in my imagination or psyche into major dramas, and if I talk about it, or write about, or obsess about it... everything gets worse. I think about what I should do or say, when, where, how, to whom, endlessly looking for a solution to a problem that probably doesn't even exist. So if I'm upset about something, I'm going to make myself at least sleep on it before deciding whether or not it's actually "a thing" that requires attention.
I can actually do this now, whereas in the past I couldn't detach myself. I'm glad about that, but wondering what took me so long. Or perhaps I've had this ability in the past (something seems familiar about this resolution) and just forgot, or lost it.
Trying this recently, very few incidents survive to become "things" that need me to do anything. I can feel sad about something without having to try to change it, and I can let others manage their own affairs.
This approach leaves me with some energy to apply to useful and pleasant activities that help offset that sadness and frustration. This week that meant sending another article idea to my adviser, because if teaching is making me a little crazy, writing about teaching intrigues me. I know it'll take months and months, but I want to publish.
Wednesday, April 06, 2016
Mercury retrograde, or something
Today was not an easy day.
For me, the worst I had to face was too many unruly seventh graders stacked into my fifth period class because ... reasons. At least, that was the worst I had to face for myself, and I was cheered up considerably by the round of applause my 8th-graders gave me after my pointed speech about Newton's laws of motion and their application to chairs that have fallen over.
After school, though, I found out that DS2's field trip was cut short because ... reasons, and that was disappointing. DD came home crestfallen this evening over an incident at her work, and then DS1 called from campus feeling frustrated by the attempts at indoctrination he's surviving in his required diversity classes.
Easter wasn't even two weeks ago and it feels like it was last year. I know I need attitude adjustment but it's hard when it's the offspring who are troubled. I'm better at reminding myself that all things are temporary. Certainly nothing life-altering happened today, and that's good, but I still wish I could fix all their problems with a hug and a little reassurance. You think - I thought - when you become a parent, oh, it will be so much easier when they're out of diapers, only to realize there's new mischief for them to get into. Later you think, it'll be so much easier when they're in school or when they're out of the house... but it never gets easier to listen to my children be sad or frustrated or upset.
(I suppose the antibiotic is working, but whenever my NSAID wears off, my entire face fills up with mucus. It's the weirdest thing. I still don't feel well. I'm in one of those moods (modes?) when I wonder if I will ever feel well, again.)
For me, the worst I had to face was too many unruly seventh graders stacked into my fifth period class because ... reasons. At least, that was the worst I had to face for myself, and I was cheered up considerably by the round of applause my 8th-graders gave me after my pointed speech about Newton's laws of motion and their application to chairs that have fallen over.
After school, though, I found out that DS2's field trip was cut short because ... reasons, and that was disappointing. DD came home crestfallen this evening over an incident at her work, and then DS1 called from campus feeling frustrated by the attempts at indoctrination he's surviving in his required diversity classes.
Easter wasn't even two weeks ago and it feels like it was last year. I know I need attitude adjustment but it's hard when it's the offspring who are troubled. I'm better at reminding myself that all things are temporary. Certainly nothing life-altering happened today, and that's good, but I still wish I could fix all their problems with a hug and a little reassurance. You think - I thought - when you become a parent, oh, it will be so much easier when they're out of diapers, only to realize there's new mischief for them to get into. Later you think, it'll be so much easier when they're in school or when they're out of the house... but it never gets easier to listen to my children be sad or frustrated or upset.
(I suppose the antibiotic is working, but whenever my NSAID wears off, my entire face fills up with mucus. It's the weirdest thing. I still don't feel well. I'm in one of those moods (modes?) when I wonder if I will ever feel well, again.)
spring, fevers...
The weather has been mostly lovely. A bit too hot, then it cooled off again, and now we're apparently back up in the 90s, probably to stay. I'm not complaining. Enough of the cold! Plus, we're just about at peak ocotillo season here, and the larger one out front is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
I finally broke down on Sunday and went to urgent care for antibiotics. I've been feeling horrid for too long, and even though I kept telling myself I was getting better and didn't need them, I wasn't, and I did. I'm also taking the new NSAID my surgeon prescribed for me, in an effort to calm down the C7/C8 junction that I tweaked, somehow. The only symptom, besides the very rare feeling like I'd bruised my spine, is this weird feeling along the back of my arm, like the skin has been scraped. There's nothing wrong with the skin, of course (scrapes heal well before 4 weeks have passed.) I figure I'll give a good 6-8 weeks to resolve and only then I'll see the doctor about it again. It's not that bad.
School is making me sad these days. My proposal is DOA, or at least I have every reason to believe that. Last week was the writing test, and this week is the reading and math tests. The last of all will be science test to my 8th graders, who frankly have had enough of this nonsense and are not in the mood to review anymore. I just want to them to do well. At least I finally get my wish and we've kept the normal bell schedule and are just working around the students in their respective test groups. That, at least, is a blessing, as is the fact that we're getting the testing out of way early. That last part's great -- we'll be done in just a few days -- but my students are taking the AIMS test 2 weeks earlier than they did last year, which means that's 2 weeks less content I got to try and stuff into their brains.
I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying not to take it personally that my proposal wasn't seriously considered. I'm trying to avoid that square peg-round hole feeling that's growing. All that will become easier if this crud ever loosens its grip on me. Tomorrow is my third full day on the antibiotic, and I'm hoping for a breakthrough.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
acathartic
That's probably not even a word. But it's how I'm feeling, here at my mother's house, coming to the end of my stay here. I feel accomplished, even though the inventory is barely begun: there are no more hidden caches of anything, here, now. Accompanied by various siblings over my stay, we've excavated closets, chests, dressers, file cabinets, innumerable boxes and bags - and (just me) the attic, from where I heaved (many) bags and boxes of yarn, and books, and other unbreakables, feeling like the Grinch who had packed up the Who's Christmas quite thoroughly so he could heave it up the chimney.
It's quite a bit of work to excavate all that, but then another entirely to actually work through it all and dispose of it, sorting the good into piles and the recyclables one way and the trash another. I am very pleased that anyone walking into the house would have no idea that any of that went on, unless he or she happened to see the piles of bagged trash and boxes of recycling ready to go out. My timing there was lousy, although I did manage to get 9 bags of trash picked up this morning. That leaves 6 to go, plus the recycling. There's nothing I can do about that, so I just tucked it into one of the bedrooms where it's not in anyone's way. I concede that's it's far from lovely, but so be it.
I wonder if I am emotionally defective, though, because I'm not finding this in the least bit difficult. It is really surprisingly easy for me to throw things away, when they're my own things, and I'm not having any more difficulty here. I can scan something written, or take a photo, and then I know I'll be able to access the memory, and that's really all I need. (Never mind that I am bringing home an extra suitcase; that's mostly my mother's Nativity scene, which is a lot bigger than I remembered it being.) In this, I am very different from my sisters, who were with me here today as we slogged through an incredible amount of saved paper.
Mostly I feel as if I've done some good. Once everyone has claimed what they want, we can have an estate sale and get the house cleaned out. All this will make things so much easier when it's time to put the house on the market. I have a breathless, "Oh!" reaction to the idea of selling this house, letting the reality of never coming back here sink in, but then that moment passes. I'm busy. My kids are growing up, I have a lot going on, and my days of having 6-7 week vacations on Cape Cod are over. C'est la vie.
It's quite a bit of work to excavate all that, but then another entirely to actually work through it all and dispose of it, sorting the good into piles and the recyclables one way and the trash another. I am very pleased that anyone walking into the house would have no idea that any of that went on, unless he or she happened to see the piles of bagged trash and boxes of recycling ready to go out. My timing there was lousy, although I did manage to get 9 bags of trash picked up this morning. That leaves 6 to go, plus the recycling. There's nothing I can do about that, so I just tucked it into one of the bedrooms where it's not in anyone's way. I concede that's it's far from lovely, but so be it.
I wonder if I am emotionally defective, though, because I'm not finding this in the least bit difficult. It is really surprisingly easy for me to throw things away, when they're my own things, and I'm not having any more difficulty here. I can scan something written, or take a photo, and then I know I'll be able to access the memory, and that's really all I need. (Never mind that I am bringing home an extra suitcase; that's mostly my mother's Nativity scene, which is a lot bigger than I remembered it being.) In this, I am very different from my sisters, who were with me here today as we slogged through an incredible amount of saved paper.
Mostly I feel as if I've done some good. Once everyone has claimed what they want, we can have an estate sale and get the house cleaned out. All this will make things so much easier when it's time to put the house on the market. I have a breathless, "Oh!" reaction to the idea of selling this house, letting the reality of never coming back here sink in, but then that moment passes. I'm busy. My kids are growing up, I have a lot going on, and my days of having 6-7 week vacations on Cape Cod are over. C'est la vie.
Wednesday, March 02, 2016
told ya
The meeting was a waste of time, of course. No one had anything productive to say one way or another, just some vague sniping ("Don't we do this already?") and no one was willing to go out on a limb with me and say the grading burden is unmanageable... until we were on our way out to our cars after the meeting was adjourned. Then I heard, "Wow, it would be great if they would drop the requirement for 8th grade next year." Gee, maybe if you had said that at the meeting and given the district reps the impression that you agree with my proposal? All that ended up happening was kicking the can down the road to April 1, for some reason no one could clearly articulate. The decision is, of course, not up to us, and the initial word is, "I doubt that will happen. We were founded with the idea that would do science fair," which is of course the best reason to do a science fair, ever!
I won't go so far as to say everything is backwards, but our curriculum development starts and ends with standards, and standards are not objectives. If we're not specifying what it is we want our students to learn, we're wasting everyone's time with random stuff that has no purpose (like the science fair.)
There was some other interesting/vaguely disturbing news about new textbooks next year, which I'm still processing, but mostly I'm just trying to put it all out of mind since I can't do anything about it. I'm burnt out and already feeling negative, and the tail end of this illness is hanging on and making me crazy. I wasted enough time on it, and I feel I should've known better than to try.
Way too much work to do, no motivation to do it. Not a good combination.
I won't go so far as to say everything is backwards, but our curriculum development starts and ends with standards, and standards are not objectives. If we're not specifying what it is we want our students to learn, we're wasting everyone's time with random stuff that has no purpose (like the science fair.)
There was some other interesting/vaguely disturbing news about new textbooks next year, which I'm still processing, but mostly I'm just trying to put it all out of mind since I can't do anything about it. I'm burnt out and already feeling negative, and the tail end of this illness is hanging on and making me crazy. I wasted enough time on it, and I feel I should've known better than to try.
Way too much work to do, no motivation to do it. Not a good combination.
Monday, February 29, 2016
tall poppy
Tomorrow is my meeting with the district science people, with 20 minutes set aside for my proposal. I have literally no idea how it will go. The email with the agenda implied we could actually make a decision, and that surprised me. Perhaps it's true.
I don't want to be perceived as an agitator, but there's a pretty good chance that's where I'm headed. I'm distressed because two teachers that I had expected to be allies have decided not to come back next year, and so I am feeling very much alone. No one has given me any feedback on my proposal at all so far, even though they've had it for almost two weeks. I just hope they've read it.
Meanwhile, I did nothing but sleep after school all last week and Saturday. My fever finally broke Thursday night but I still have residual crud. I'm trying to wean myself off all the medication but then I end up swimming in post-nasal drip and dealing with an annoying little tickle in my throat all day long -- guess I'll go back on the meds at least for the meeting tomorrow.
Of course I still have all that work to do: grading, writing, my Reading to Learn in Science course, and very little energy after school to do any of it. Being sick is the worst!
Amazing to think that a week from Friday I'm flying out. Time to clear the deck of all those tasks!
Thursday, February 25, 2016
sick
Monday after school a fever and related crud settled on me, and I haven't been able to shake it yet. I'm on a steady diet of mucinex+cough suppressant and ibuprofen that are keeping me relatively comfortable, but my voice is horrible and I feel horrid. The flu is sweeping through Arizona at an alarming rate, it's remarkable how many students we have absent.
Of course I've gone to work every day in spite of being sick because writing sub plans is miserable and getting substitute teachers is difficult. Plus both classes had labs scheduled which they can't do with a sub, so, there's me at school, even though I'm sick. Hoping that resting up this weekend will help me kick this thing. Sleeping four hours after school every day doesn't seem to be doing the trick quite yet.
Of course I've gone to work every day in spite of being sick because writing sub plans is miserable and getting substitute teachers is difficult. Plus both classes had labs scheduled which they can't do with a sub, so, there's me at school, even though I'm sick. Hoping that resting up this weekend will help me kick this thing. Sleeping four hours after school every day doesn't seem to be doing the trick quite yet.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
springtime everywhere but in my heart...
I wonder when I am going to feel like I can relax, like everything and everyone is OK. I feel as if I have not been in that state for so long I can't remember what it's like.
It is absolutely gorgeous here, in the mid-80s every afternoon. Technically it's too warm for this time of year, but I'll take it. Especially after last weekend's trip to Savannah for my niece's wedding. My brother-in-law and his wife rented a gorgeous mansion and we all stayed there, and Savannah is a lovely little city. But it was unseasonably cold there, with the high temperatures in the 40s. I had looked at the forecast and knew it was going to be colder, but somehow I didn't think it was going to be that cold. I'm sure the humidity there made it feel worse to me than it was, but I don't think I felt warm the whole time I was away, unless I was snuggled under the covers of the enormous four-poster bed in our room. (There was a little 2-step stair to help get into and out of the bed!)
The wedding was small, simple, and beautiful, and we had a wonderful time. It was great being with all of DH's family, too -- we so seldom get to see them, and this is probably only the second or third time we've ever all gotten together. It's always a little sad when we leave family, because I like being with them so much, and then we come home to AZ where we don't have any relatives even in the same time zone. I know, I know -- it was our choice to come here, and I wouldn't move unless I absolutely had to -- but sometimes I wish at least some family would join us out here!
Our travel both to and from Savannah was delayed by mechanical issues and weather, so we got home very late on Monday (the holiday), and then stayed up later to watch the Gravity Falls series finale that DD and I had awaited for months now. We told ourselves we were too wound up to sleep, and that was probably true, but in retrospect I wish I had tried.
I stayed up even later, really, working on my curriculum proposal for my district meeting on March 1. Then I stayed up late again working on my grading, and a lesson plan for my formal observation. I am not happy with my principal's evaluation of me, and I'm trying to shrug it off, but part of being exhausted and strung out all the time means I have no emotional resilience. Everything feels like a kick in the head and I can't just shake it off.
On top of all this -- more likely, because of all this -- I'm in a flare and feel like I've been hit by a truck. Or I could, like apparently half of my school, be coming down with the flu, but so far so good, I don't have any other symptoms. My hands are the worst, which makes me think it's a flare. If I'd been eating wheat I'd have that to blame, but I haven't been (until today, when I had both a slice of fruit cake and a half a small spicy Italian panini -- both totally worth the consequences.) Along with all that, I'm taking my NSAIDs so (if history is any guide) I shouldn't get any worse.
I'm booked for my trip back east in March to help inventory Mom's home. We still have to book our summer flights. I have a ton of grading to do, and I'm supposed to write my intro and revise my lit review this week. I'd also like to do the next unit of my Reading to Learn in Science MOOC I'm taking through Stanford, and I have to coordinate with the other grade level teachers to arrange their visits to my classroom. Thankfully there's literally nothing weird scheduled this week so there's actually a chance I could get this all done!
This weekend is DS2's belated birthday celebration. He turned 15 in Savannah. We''re having his friends sleep over tonight so we can head out bright and early for the Renaissance Festival tomorrow. DH is on the fence about this; DS2 received two deficiency notices (humane letters and French, arguably the 2 subjects he finds easiest), and is now in mandatory tutoring/study hall every day after lunch as a result. He seems, ever so slowly, to be finally getting the idea of what he should be doing.
DD had appointments with her college counselor and the doctor yesterday. She's feeling a lot better already but we want to make sure she continues that upward trend. One of my sisters said, with teens, there's three things that can happen: one, they can become arrogant and narcissistic; two, their self-esteem can crater for no discernible reason, or three, they can fall into the "it's not going to happen to me" category and take unnecessary risks as a result. I suppose it's possible that all three could happen at the same time, because sometimes arrogance masks low self-esteem. I am not a big proponent of the fake self-esteem thing where "everyone wins!" I hate that. But I also hate that my beautiful, talented, smart, funny daughter has apparently no idea how wonderful she is. So we're working on that, and I'm happy that she's at last being honest with us.
It is absolutely gorgeous here, in the mid-80s every afternoon. Technically it's too warm for this time of year, but I'll take it. Especially after last weekend's trip to Savannah for my niece's wedding. My brother-in-law and his wife rented a gorgeous mansion and we all stayed there, and Savannah is a lovely little city. But it was unseasonably cold there, with the high temperatures in the 40s. I had looked at the forecast and knew it was going to be colder, but somehow I didn't think it was going to be that cold. I'm sure the humidity there made it feel worse to me than it was, but I don't think I felt warm the whole time I was away, unless I was snuggled under the covers of the enormous four-poster bed in our room. (There was a little 2-step stair to help get into and out of the bed!)
The wedding was small, simple, and beautiful, and we had a wonderful time. It was great being with all of DH's family, too -- we so seldom get to see them, and this is probably only the second or third time we've ever all gotten together. It's always a little sad when we leave family, because I like being with them so much, and then we come home to AZ where we don't have any relatives even in the same time zone. I know, I know -- it was our choice to come here, and I wouldn't move unless I absolutely had to -- but sometimes I wish at least some family would join us out here!
Our travel both to and from Savannah was delayed by mechanical issues and weather, so we got home very late on Monday (the holiday), and then stayed up later to watch the Gravity Falls series finale that DD and I had awaited for months now. We told ourselves we were too wound up to sleep, and that was probably true, but in retrospect I wish I had tried.
I stayed up even later, really, working on my curriculum proposal for my district meeting on March 1. Then I stayed up late again working on my grading, and a lesson plan for my formal observation. I am not happy with my principal's evaluation of me, and I'm trying to shrug it off, but part of being exhausted and strung out all the time means I have no emotional resilience. Everything feels like a kick in the head and I can't just shake it off.
On top of all this -- more likely, because of all this -- I'm in a flare and feel like I've been hit by a truck. Or I could, like apparently half of my school, be coming down with the flu, but so far so good, I don't have any other symptoms. My hands are the worst, which makes me think it's a flare. If I'd been eating wheat I'd have that to blame, but I haven't been (until today, when I had both a slice of fruit cake and a half a small spicy Italian panini -- both totally worth the consequences.) Along with all that, I'm taking my NSAIDs so (if history is any guide) I shouldn't get any worse.
I'm booked for my trip back east in March to help inventory Mom's home. We still have to book our summer flights. I have a ton of grading to do, and I'm supposed to write my intro and revise my lit review this week. I'd also like to do the next unit of my Reading to Learn in Science MOOC I'm taking through Stanford, and I have to coordinate with the other grade level teachers to arrange their visits to my classroom. Thankfully there's literally nothing weird scheduled this week so there's actually a chance I could get this all done!
This weekend is DS2's belated birthday celebration. He turned 15 in Savannah. We''re having his friends sleep over tonight so we can head out bright and early for the Renaissance Festival tomorrow. DH is on the fence about this; DS2 received two deficiency notices (humane letters and French, arguably the 2 subjects he finds easiest), and is now in mandatory tutoring/study hall every day after lunch as a result. He seems, ever so slowly, to be finally getting the idea of what he should be doing.
DD had appointments with her college counselor and the doctor yesterday. She's feeling a lot better already but we want to make sure she continues that upward trend. One of my sisters said, with teens, there's three things that can happen: one, they can become arrogant and narcissistic; two, their self-esteem can crater for no discernible reason, or three, they can fall into the "it's not going to happen to me" category and take unnecessary risks as a result. I suppose it's possible that all three could happen at the same time, because sometimes arrogance masks low self-esteem. I am not a big proponent of the fake self-esteem thing where "everyone wins!" I hate that. But I also hate that my beautiful, talented, smart, funny daughter has apparently no idea how wonderful she is. So we're working on that, and I'm happy that she's at last being honest with us.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
too soon to be hopeful
Today was only mildly wretched. I am emotionally and physically exhausted, but:
- I made the spectrascopes for my 7th graders and they came out awesome.
- I had an excellent conversation with DS2 about his most recent reading assignment. This will be a daily occurrence from now on.
- I heard back from DS2's teacher regarding his grade and it seems that there is a bit of upside potential there if he can demonstrate he actually did the work he has been docked for not doing. He's bringing in a printout of his paper with the revision history that shows he actually did start with a rough draft and edit it. Here's hoping he recovers those lost points.
- DS2 had a spectacular piano lesson. He has finally started practicing the way his teacher asks him, and he's finally doing all the things she asks him to do, like using the metronome. She is thrilled with how well he's doing, as am I -- perhaps this newfound respect for a teacher's directions will filter over to his school-life?
- Another great conversation with DD wherein she finally, finally talked about the confused jumble of thoughts her brain becomes when she "fails," by which she means gets less than A. Knowing there's a problem is the first step in treating it, right?
Data analysis proceeds apace -- I entered 111 student surveys into SurveyMonkey, but you only get 100 for free. Guess I'll pony up the $26 for a month's access.
Not an easy day at all, today, but overall a good one.
- I made the spectrascopes for my 7th graders and they came out awesome.
- I had an excellent conversation with DS2 about his most recent reading assignment. This will be a daily occurrence from now on.
- I heard back from DS2's teacher regarding his grade and it seems that there is a bit of upside potential there if he can demonstrate he actually did the work he has been docked for not doing. He's bringing in a printout of his paper with the revision history that shows he actually did start with a rough draft and edit it. Here's hoping he recovers those lost points.
- DS2 had a spectacular piano lesson. He has finally started practicing the way his teacher asks him, and he's finally doing all the things she asks him to do, like using the metronome. She is thrilled with how well he's doing, as am I -- perhaps this newfound respect for a teacher's directions will filter over to his school-life?
- Another great conversation with DD wherein she finally, finally talked about the confused jumble of thoughts her brain becomes when she "fails," by which she means gets less than A. Knowing there's a problem is the first step in treating it, right?
Data analysis proceeds apace -- I entered 111 student surveys into SurveyMonkey, but you only get 100 for free. Guess I'll pony up the $26 for a month's access.
Not an easy day at all, today, but overall a good one.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
back to the crunch...
My students may be done with the science fair, but I'm not.
I want to present the unit at my district meeting and recommend we roll it out district-wide, integrated into the seventh grade curriculum. The only problem with that is, my district meeting is set for March 1. So in order for this to be given any kind of consideration, I need to write it up at least somewhat coherently this week and get it out to all the interested parties.
Sheesh. Just when I thought I could relax.
I need some data to back up my recommendations, and I have grades from last year and this, so that's one perspective. But I wanted feedback from students and parents, too, so I put together two surveys last night, one for the parents online, and one for the students, on paper. I administered the paper surveys today and will spend time tomorrow tallying them. Fortunately SurveyMonkey has great analysis tools for the online survey, if only the parents would click through and respond!
On top of that, we're heading to Savannah this weekend for our niece's wedding, so I'll be missing school Friday. That means sub plans, which always have to be excruciatingly detailed -- finished those tonight. I also meant to make spectroscopes for my 7th graders out of the refraction grating I bought, but I didn't get to that.
It was just one of those days. DD has really been struggling with optimization in calculus for the last week or so and today she just had a complete meltdown. She called me at work (nothing quite grips the heart as seeing your child's school pop up in the caller ID on your own classroom phone -- Everyone knows they shouldn't be calling me here, during school hours...) and I told her of course she could go home. She slept, and spent an hour on the phone with her brother, and feels better. I hope.
So that was worrying, and something that hadn't happened before, so we'll have to keep an eye on her. She puts so much pressure on herself to get all As. It makes no sense.
What really derailed tonight was getting yet another round of deficiency notices for DS2. Hey, we're not going to give back any assignments or give you any feedback at all until we tell you you're in danger of failing! That's a seriously wrong model of education, and it's the one thing I would change about my kids' school if I could.
I spent about 45 minutes composing an email to his humane letters teacher basically telling him I don't buy it. Don't tell me my kids is failing because he missed 2 reading checks, which are only supposed to be part of the participation grade! We'll see what happens there, but here, it was horrible, because I completely lost any hope of the kid developing any sense of self-control while he has electronics in his possession, so I took them all away, even his phone.
He says he wants to stay at his school. He says he'll do all the work now, since he doesn't have anything else to do, except piano and reading. We'll see. My heart is broken again for the millionth time over this. I wish I could be hopeful, but I'm not.
It's just too bad that this is coming before our long weekend away, too. It'll be casting its shadow over everything for quite a while. Adding the last straw to my already overburdened psyche? DD and I watched this week's episode of the X-Files, and let's just say Scully's situation hit way too close to home for me.
Now it's very late, again, and it's Ash Wednesday. Can I give up being upset for Lent?
I want to present the unit at my district meeting and recommend we roll it out district-wide, integrated into the seventh grade curriculum. The only problem with that is, my district meeting is set for March 1. So in order for this to be given any kind of consideration, I need to write it up at least somewhat coherently this week and get it out to all the interested parties.
Sheesh. Just when I thought I could relax.
I need some data to back up my recommendations, and I have grades from last year and this, so that's one perspective. But I wanted feedback from students and parents, too, so I put together two surveys last night, one for the parents online, and one for the students, on paper. I administered the paper surveys today and will spend time tomorrow tallying them. Fortunately SurveyMonkey has great analysis tools for the online survey, if only the parents would click through and respond!
On top of that, we're heading to Savannah this weekend for our niece's wedding, so I'll be missing school Friday. That means sub plans, which always have to be excruciatingly detailed -- finished those tonight. I also meant to make spectroscopes for my 7th graders out of the refraction grating I bought, but I didn't get to that.
It was just one of those days. DD has really been struggling with optimization in calculus for the last week or so and today she just had a complete meltdown. She called me at work (nothing quite grips the heart as seeing your child's school pop up in the caller ID on your own classroom phone -- Everyone knows they shouldn't be calling me here, during school hours...) and I told her of course she could go home. She slept, and spent an hour on the phone with her brother, and feels better. I hope.
So that was worrying, and something that hadn't happened before, so we'll have to keep an eye on her. She puts so much pressure on herself to get all As. It makes no sense.
What really derailed tonight was getting yet another round of deficiency notices for DS2. Hey, we're not going to give back any assignments or give you any feedback at all until we tell you you're in danger of failing! That's a seriously wrong model of education, and it's the one thing I would change about my kids' school if I could.
I spent about 45 minutes composing an email to his humane letters teacher basically telling him I don't buy it. Don't tell me my kids is failing because he missed 2 reading checks, which are only supposed to be part of the participation grade! We'll see what happens there, but here, it was horrible, because I completely lost any hope of the kid developing any sense of self-control while he has electronics in his possession, so I took them all away, even his phone.
He says he wants to stay at his school. He says he'll do all the work now, since he doesn't have anything else to do, except piano and reading. We'll see. My heart is broken again for the millionth time over this. I wish I could be hopeful, but I'm not.
It's just too bad that this is coming before our long weekend away, too. It'll be casting its shadow over everything for quite a while. Adding the last straw to my already overburdened psyche? DD and I watched this week's episode of the X-Files, and let's just say Scully's situation hit way too close to home for me.
Now it's very late, again, and it's Ash Wednesday. Can I give up being upset for Lent?
Thursday, February 04, 2016
a night off...
Finally!
I spent the day trying not to be nervous and failing. The doctor was in surgery this morning when I called, so I just left a message to call after 3:30. I kept my phone glued to my side but 4,5, and 6 o'clock came and went with no call, so I figured I'd talk to him tomorrow.
He called at 6:45PM.
There was some confusion because the imaging people inexplicably sent over the results of the biopsy they did four years ago, but the real news is that the lymph node mapping came back fine.
Now I can cancel my ultrasound in March and make plans to go out to Massachusetts instead!
I can't shake the feeling that there's something going on in there that will catch up to me eventually, but I'm used to that one. I decided some time ago that I can't put anything on hold because of all the what if scenarios I imagine based on my wretched history. If it happens, I'll deal with it then. For now, I'm good.
I'm not doing any school work of any kind tonight. I also plan to sleeeeeeep.
(In spite of my nerves and exhaustion, the dry ice observations with the 8th graders went very well. The only bummer was having to go to 3 different stores to find one with the dry ice in stock. Next time I'll call first.)
I spent the day trying not to be nervous and failing. The doctor was in surgery this morning when I called, so I just left a message to call after 3:30. I kept my phone glued to my side but 4,5, and 6 o'clock came and went with no call, so I figured I'd talk to him tomorrow.
He called at 6:45PM.
There was some confusion because the imaging people inexplicably sent over the results of the biopsy they did four years ago, but the real news is that the lymph node mapping came back fine.
Now I can cancel my ultrasound in March and make plans to go out to Massachusetts instead!
I can't shake the feeling that there's something going on in there that will catch up to me eventually, but I'm used to that one. I decided some time ago that I can't put anything on hold because of all the what if scenarios I imagine based on my wretched history. If it happens, I'll deal with it then. For now, I'm good.
I'm not doing any school work of any kind tonight. I also plan to sleeeeeeep.
(In spite of my nerves and exhaustion, the dry ice observations with the 8th graders went very well. The only bummer was having to go to 3 different stores to find one with the dry ice in stock. Next time I'll call first.)
moving along
Science fair was yesterday. I had a lot of help and things went very smoothly, for once. No drama! I like that.
Not so nice, today, my ENT called me to give me the results of the ultrasound I had on January 6 (!). The doctor himself called, and left a message for me to call back. Of course when I called back 5 minutes later the office was closed, so now I have to wait until my prep hour to call in the morning and hope I can get some kind of news. I am a bit freaked out. If it were nothing, wouldn't that call be delegated to his nurse?
Tomorrow's dry ice day with the 8th graders and it's way too late. But I designed a new worksheet for them, and I finished the first lesson of the MOOC I'm taking at Stanford on Reading to Learn in Science. I just wished that deadline hadn't been quite so close to the actual science fair.
I've been catching naps on and off since getting home this afternoon, so I'm not as dead as I could be (should be). Let's hope I've managed to accumulate enough rest minutes that tomorrow isn't dreadful.
Not so nice, today, my ENT called me to give me the results of the ultrasound I had on January 6 (!). The doctor himself called, and left a message for me to call back. Of course when I called back 5 minutes later the office was closed, so now I have to wait until my prep hour to call in the morning and hope I can get some kind of news. I am a bit freaked out. If it were nothing, wouldn't that call be delegated to his nurse?
Tomorrow's dry ice day with the 8th graders and it's way too late. But I designed a new worksheet for them, and I finished the first lesson of the MOOC I'm taking at Stanford on Reading to Learn in Science. I just wished that deadline hadn't been quite so close to the actual science fair.
I've been catching naps on and off since getting home this afternoon, so I'm not as dead as I could be (should be). Let's hope I've managed to accumulate enough rest minutes that tomorrow isn't dreadful.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
the inexorable march of days
Present
I feel caught up in the sweep of the tide of time. The hours go by whether or not I want to participate. I have huge swathes of time where I am productive and to all appearances "normal," mostly through the early hours of the day, through work, through dinner time. It's after dinner, especially in the late evening when I should be getting ready for bed, that the sadness falls on me again. Some days it's worse than others, like this past weekend after a conversation with one of my siblings made everything seem raw, as if no time had passed at all. Then I'm useless. I should grade papers, do lesson plans, answer emails, but all I can do is stare at the wall or (endlessly, aimlessly) surf the web because thinking hurts.
I realized that my problem is I am struggling to come to grips with a reality I simply do not want to recognize. Eventually, I'll get used to it, but I don't want to get used to it, and just typing that makes me angry. This is not to say I've reached the "anger" stage of the grieving process. I'm not angry that my mother's dead, I don't begrudge her the peace she dearly earned. I'm just (mentally) thrashing around because there is no power that can change this and I just have to deal and I'm really, really bad at dealing with tragic disappointment.
I am lucky because I've had so few instances to deal with. When my father died, I was devastated but I had an infant to care for, and there's nothing so hopeful and busy-making as an 11-month-old baby. And God bless my father but the relationship I had with him was not like the one I had with my mother. He was not woven so thoroughly into my daily life. I told DH that I have this mental file of things I store to tell Mom, and it's still there, and it will probably always be there, now and forever overflowing because I'm never going to be able to talk to her (in a two-way conversation, anyway) in this life again.
That's not the only hole in my life, though. I feel mostly disconnected from my whole family, now, like Pluto in its distant orbit, demoted to a dwarf planet. While Mom was alive, we all had routines of when we'd call her and when we'd call each other. When Mom entered hospice and one of us with her 24/7, I could call any time, any day, and try to ease the burden a bit by providing company, even if it was long distance. Now all of our routines are out and everyone is in the same situation, trying to figure out our lives in this new Mom-less world.
I could call but then I get sad and thinking hurts and I don't want to talk so I don't call, propagating a vicious cycle of loneliness. I adore my games of Words With Friends because I imagine them like strands of spider-silk binding me to my sister. No one else probably thinks that way, but to me they're still a connection, however wispy.
(Recent) Past
I have a sense of having survived the holidays. I should post some photos; we got a new tree, and DD decorated the house again and everything looked lovely. I did the whole buy-all-the-gifts, do-all-the-cooking thing, for the most part, because that's what we've always done and I do enjoy it, but this year, oh -- it was all through a gray fog for me, and no one seemed to notice and that was fine because I just wanted the kids to have a normal Christmas -- up until New Year's Eve when we were driving home from California in a rental car because the van died on CA91 in Riverside (RIP, Bessie), when all that self-control just cracked and I broke down nearly as thoroughly as the van.
I guess not, though. You don't repair blown head gaskets in vans that are 16 years old with 175,000 miles on them. (Why, you may ask, did we drive the old car to CA? Because the service center assured us it was in perfect condition, having just completed the 27-point safety check and knowing we'd kept up the maintenance. I don't even want to think about how much money we put into keeping the van up just so we could eke a few more years out of it, only to have it just... die.) I feel similarly finished but manage to keep going anyway. If I felt this horrid all the time I'd look into treatment for depression, but it only gets me at night, and I'm still pretty much completely functional.
Disneyland was unbelievably packed but a total blast. I don't think I took a single photo while we were there but I did post a few to facebook: I actually went on (now called) HyperSpace Mountain with DH and really enjoyed it. That was a major accomplishment, because I was terrified before hand. The great thing about being at Disneyland is that we were so busy I didn't have much time to think, and I slept like a rock because we were doing so much walking around. Plus it was cold, so we dressed in layers, but crawling under the covers and getting truly warm was wonderful at the end of each day.
Physically I'm perhaps even more of a mess than I am emotionally. Still hearing that tinnitus in my right ear, and today that under-the-jaw thing, whatever it is, has been absolutely killing me, and ibuprofen is only barely taking the edge off. It is very distracting having such a noticeable pain! My diet has been horrendous and I am now trying to break myself of the sugar/carb addiction I've let myself fall into. Too many of my students gave me sweets, bless them. Next year: much more discipline with the indulging. I feel fat even though I'd be willing to bet that no one else can even tell I gained a few pounds. My reflux had been doing better until this afternoon when I torpedoed myself by having 1) a cup of coffee and 2) way too many Trader Joe's cheese puffs. (Mindless eating while on hold... not a good scenario.) Back to square one, which is limiting all carbs as much as possible until that heals.
I had an ultrasound of this neck thing last Wednesday. The radiologist was going to request the imaging studies from Banner MDA in October for comparison and decide if I need to go back in for a biopsy. (At this point I kind of just want to jam a needle into it and drain it, but I'm pretty sure that's not a recommended procedure.) For the first time I ever, I asked the technician if I could see the images when she was done. She was surprised but said yes, but also told me she wasn't going to read them. I explained that I've seen enough ultrasounds to know what a cancerous node looks like (you can't go by size, a better indicator is shape:firm, fixed, rounded; extensive blood vessels rather than just the little blips that are typical, and calcifications which show up like white spots.) The cool thing is, I didn't see anything that looked like that, but I admit, I glanced pretty quickly since I didn't want to take up too much of the technician's time. Still waiting on the results, but hoping to hear by the end of the week -- I don't think I'm stressed about it, but that's probably just denial on my part.
The Future!
First up, and probably contributing to my acid reflux: science fair, just three weeks out. I absolutely cannot wait for it to be over. Shortly after, we're going to Savannah GA for a niece's wedding. In June, we're heading to MA for a nephew's wedding. We may stay in MA for some extra time so DD can look at colleges in the Boston area other than MIT, where she has set her heart, but we haven't made any plans yet. I want to hear about this neck thing first, and then I need to really decide whether or not to move to the new campus my charter school is opening in the fall. It will be literally 5 minutes from my house and only 2 miles away from the kids' school (for the 3 years they'll still be there...) and DH has told me he wants me to do it, but I am struggling with leaving my team. I love them. I've worked with a lot of people over the years and this is the finest group of people I have ever worked with. My team lead assured me that they'll still be around and we can get together, etc, but it won't be the same. I just have to decide if I have any professional ambitions at all right now, or if I just want to stay and be comfortable.
There's this feeling that as soon as I finish my Master's program, I'm going to be restless. I'm finishing up the project this semester, taking my last 2 science classes over the summer (history of science, philosophy of biology [just typing that makes me so happy! I will have stacks of reading but it's summer and I know I am going to love love love these classes]) so then next fall literally all I will have left is my thesis defense. So, if I'm helping to open a new school and being team lead for a bunch of newbie junior high teachers, I should be able to handle it, right?
Sometimes I feel invincible. Now is not one of those times.
I feel caught up in the sweep of the tide of time. The hours go by whether or not I want to participate. I have huge swathes of time where I am productive and to all appearances "normal," mostly through the early hours of the day, through work, through dinner time. It's after dinner, especially in the late evening when I should be getting ready for bed, that the sadness falls on me again. Some days it's worse than others, like this past weekend after a conversation with one of my siblings made everything seem raw, as if no time had passed at all. Then I'm useless. I should grade papers, do lesson plans, answer emails, but all I can do is stare at the wall or (endlessly, aimlessly) surf the web because thinking hurts.
I realized that my problem is I am struggling to come to grips with a reality I simply do not want to recognize. Eventually, I'll get used to it, but I don't want to get used to it, and just typing that makes me angry. This is not to say I've reached the "anger" stage of the grieving process. I'm not angry that my mother's dead, I don't begrudge her the peace she dearly earned. I'm just (mentally) thrashing around because there is no power that can change this and I just have to deal and I'm really, really bad at dealing with tragic disappointment.
I am lucky because I've had so few instances to deal with. When my father died, I was devastated but I had an infant to care for, and there's nothing so hopeful and busy-making as an 11-month-old baby. And God bless my father but the relationship I had with him was not like the one I had with my mother. He was not woven so thoroughly into my daily life. I told DH that I have this mental file of things I store to tell Mom, and it's still there, and it will probably always be there, now and forever overflowing because I'm never going to be able to talk to her (in a two-way conversation, anyway) in this life again.
That's not the only hole in my life, though. I feel mostly disconnected from my whole family, now, like Pluto in its distant orbit, demoted to a dwarf planet. While Mom was alive, we all had routines of when we'd call her and when we'd call each other. When Mom entered hospice and one of us with her 24/7, I could call any time, any day, and try to ease the burden a bit by providing company, even if it was long distance. Now all of our routines are out and everyone is in the same situation, trying to figure out our lives in this new Mom-less world.
I could call but then I get sad and thinking hurts and I don't want to talk so I don't call, propagating a vicious cycle of loneliness. I adore my games of Words With Friends because I imagine them like strands of spider-silk binding me to my sister. No one else probably thinks that way, but to me they're still a connection, however wispy.
(Recent) Past
I have a sense of having survived the holidays. I should post some photos; we got a new tree, and DD decorated the house again and everything looked lovely. I did the whole buy-all-the-gifts, do-all-the-cooking thing, for the most part, because that's what we've always done and I do enjoy it, but this year, oh -- it was all through a gray fog for me, and no one seemed to notice and that was fine because I just wanted the kids to have a normal Christmas -- up until New Year's Eve when we were driving home from California in a rental car because the van died on CA91 in Riverside (RIP, Bessie), when all that self-control just cracked and I broke down nearly as thoroughly as the van.
I guess not, though. You don't repair blown head gaskets in vans that are 16 years old with 175,000 miles on them. (Why, you may ask, did we drive the old car to CA? Because the service center assured us it was in perfect condition, having just completed the 27-point safety check and knowing we'd kept up the maintenance. I don't even want to think about how much money we put into keeping the van up just so we could eke a few more years out of it, only to have it just... die.) I feel similarly finished but manage to keep going anyway. If I felt this horrid all the time I'd look into treatment for depression, but it only gets me at night, and I'm still pretty much completely functional.
Disneyland was unbelievably packed but a total blast. I don't think I took a single photo while we were there but I did post a few to facebook: I actually went on (now called) HyperSpace Mountain with DH and really enjoyed it. That was a major accomplishment, because I was terrified before hand. The great thing about being at Disneyland is that we were so busy I didn't have much time to think, and I slept like a rock because we were doing so much walking around. Plus it was cold, so we dressed in layers, but crawling under the covers and getting truly warm was wonderful at the end of each day.
Physically I'm perhaps even more of a mess than I am emotionally. Still hearing that tinnitus in my right ear, and today that under-the-jaw thing, whatever it is, has been absolutely killing me, and ibuprofen is only barely taking the edge off. It is very distracting having such a noticeable pain! My diet has been horrendous and I am now trying to break myself of the sugar/carb addiction I've let myself fall into. Too many of my students gave me sweets, bless them. Next year: much more discipline with the indulging. I feel fat even though I'd be willing to bet that no one else can even tell I gained a few pounds. My reflux had been doing better until this afternoon when I torpedoed myself by having 1) a cup of coffee and 2) way too many Trader Joe's cheese puffs. (Mindless eating while on hold... not a good scenario.) Back to square one, which is limiting all carbs as much as possible until that heals.
I had an ultrasound of this neck thing last Wednesday. The radiologist was going to request the imaging studies from Banner MDA in October for comparison and decide if I need to go back in for a biopsy. (At this point I kind of just want to jam a needle into it and drain it, but I'm pretty sure that's not a recommended procedure.) For the first time I ever, I asked the technician if I could see the images when she was done. She was surprised but said yes, but also told me she wasn't going to read them. I explained that I've seen enough ultrasounds to know what a cancerous node looks like (you can't go by size, a better indicator is shape:firm, fixed, rounded; extensive blood vessels rather than just the little blips that are typical, and calcifications which show up like white spots.) The cool thing is, I didn't see anything that looked like that, but I admit, I glanced pretty quickly since I didn't want to take up too much of the technician's time. Still waiting on the results, but hoping to hear by the end of the week -- I don't think I'm stressed about it, but that's probably just denial on my part.
The Future!
First up, and probably contributing to my acid reflux: science fair, just three weeks out. I absolutely cannot wait for it to be over. Shortly after, we're going to Savannah GA for a niece's wedding. In June, we're heading to MA for a nephew's wedding. We may stay in MA for some extra time so DD can look at colleges in the Boston area other than MIT, where she has set her heart, but we haven't made any plans yet. I want to hear about this neck thing first, and then I need to really decide whether or not to move to the new campus my charter school is opening in the fall. It will be literally 5 minutes from my house and only 2 miles away from the kids' school (for the 3 years they'll still be there...) and DH has told me he wants me to do it, but I am struggling with leaving my team. I love them. I've worked with a lot of people over the years and this is the finest group of people I have ever worked with. My team lead assured me that they'll still be around and we can get together, etc, but it won't be the same. I just have to decide if I have any professional ambitions at all right now, or if I just want to stay and be comfortable.
There's this feeling that as soon as I finish my Master's program, I'm going to be restless. I'm finishing up the project this semester, taking my last 2 science classes over the summer (history of science, philosophy of biology [just typing that makes me so happy! I will have stacks of reading but it's summer and I know I am going to love love love these classes]) so then next fall literally all I will have left is my thesis defense. So, if I'm helping to open a new school and being team lead for a bunch of newbie junior high teachers, I should be able to handle it, right?
Sometimes I feel invincible. Now is not one of those times.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
ahhhh...
A little sigh of relief.
Today was the first day of my winter break. I was out from 11am to 6pm, so it wasn't a lazing-around-the-house kind of day, but it was still a good one.
Last week did me in. I had developed a cold the week before, and that just didn't help. It wasn't bad at first, but by the middle of last week, my voice was shot, and it still isn't right.
Most of that is on me. I was supposed to finish up my paper over the weekend and it just didn't happen. Too much Christmas, family, school stuff happening. Too much feeling overwhelmed by all of it this year. Too much feeling this huge emptiness where Mom should be.
Which is not to say things didn't get done. For example, I found and printed the photos to put into the photo frame ornaments I bought for my siblings. I did some Christmas shopping. And food shopping. And laundry. And cooking... I really should not go to the farmer's market if I am not on vacation.
Things got done but not the paper, which was due on Wednesday. I stayed up incredibly late several nights running getitng it together. It was supposed to be only 15 pages with at least 10 references but it just got out of hand. (22 pages [not counting the title page and abstract, mind you], 4 pages of references) I should explain, this is not just "a paper," it's the literature review for my non-thesis project. Having never done a literature review before, I was cheerfully naive about what they entailed before taking this last course. The entire purpose of said course was to teach how to read and write a literature review, and then to help us write them for our theses or non-thesis projects. My non-thesis project is kind of a monster, and so the lit review is, too.
Anyway, on Tuesday I realized it wasn't going to be done on Wednesday and begged for an extension, which of course my professor gave me. I finished it about 1AM Thursday night (early Friday morning) or maybe even later. Of course I still had to work every day. I think Monday-Thursday I got about 12 hours of sleep total. It was not good, and it made me even sicker.
But, I wrote an awesome paper which my professor called "excellent" and she said that I am very close to being done with it, which is pretty huge. She's totally amazing because she graded it by Saturday, which was about a 24-hour turn-around. Plus I have an A for the class which is affirming. I worked very hard over an incredibly difficult period but managed to stay on top of everything. (This sounds stupid but I'm writing it anyway --) I think my Mom would be proud of me for going on with it, even though I could've dropped when things went sideways early in the fall.
So, school's out until January, grad class is over, kids are done with recitals and piano for 2 weeks. Christmas shopping is done (unless I decide to get that one last thing for the boys), and some of it is even wrapped. The fridge is stuffed with food and I don't have to go out again if I don't want to...
Except tomorrow morning, when we're seeing Star Wars: TFA at the odd hour of 10AM. I'm spoiler-free and looking forward to it. I'm working on resting and recovering.
Right, back to today's massive outing; a good part of that was an appointment with Dr. O, whom I have not seen in quite a while. First off, the cold has morphed into a disgusting infection (confirmed when he scoped me), so I'm on anitbiotics plus Mucinex to keep the mucus thin and draining. (That should help my voice.) I went chiefly about my right ear tinnitus and the weird pain I get from under my jaw line where those glands are swollen. I thought they felt weird and so did he, so he's sending me for an ultrasound and possible FNA if it's something suspicious. He thinks the tinnitus is a vascular side effect of the nodes, which makes sense to me. Oh, and he confirmed that the lumpy-throat feeling is because of my reflux, it's got my esophagus irritated again. I suppose I should not be eating sriracha potato chips if I'm having reflux. I'll do as best I can to get the reflux settled but over the holidays it's really hard to stick to a good diet. Lately I've been living chiefly on Starbucks soy milk peppermint mochas and various Christmas candy given to me by my students.
Astoundingly generous, they were, this year. Of course I still have nearly 200, so that partly explains the huge haul of stuff I got.
After Star Wars, perhaps I will grade some of those (many, many) papers? I tell myself I'll have hours in the car to & from California (Disneyland!) that can be used for that, but I don't want to have it hanging over my head. All the cards and presents have been sent, all the shopping is done, now I can just sit home, relax, and get some grading done... after DD and I finish watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. We only have a half-dozen or so episodes to go, and we are thoroughly enjoying the fantastic characters, beautiful art direction, and occasional silliness, but best of all, the most coherent magical world-building of any story we (collectively) know. Tolkien's magic is impenetrable, Harry Potter's is secret (which, as much as I love it all, is stupid), and everyone else's is just ... weak, or perhaps opaque or just too incompletely revealed to be as engaging. At least, that's what we decided in our conversation this evening!
Today was the first day of my winter break. I was out from 11am to 6pm, so it wasn't a lazing-around-the-house kind of day, but it was still a good one.
Last week did me in. I had developed a cold the week before, and that just didn't help. It wasn't bad at first, but by the middle of last week, my voice was shot, and it still isn't right.
Most of that is on me. I was supposed to finish up my paper over the weekend and it just didn't happen. Too much Christmas, family, school stuff happening. Too much feeling overwhelmed by all of it this year. Too much feeling this huge emptiness where Mom should be.
Which is not to say things didn't get done. For example, I found and printed the photos to put into the photo frame ornaments I bought for my siblings. I did some Christmas shopping. And food shopping. And laundry. And cooking... I really should not go to the farmer's market if I am not on vacation.
Things got done but not the paper, which was due on Wednesday. I stayed up incredibly late several nights running getitng it together. It was supposed to be only 15 pages with at least 10 references but it just got out of hand. (22 pages [not counting the title page and abstract, mind you], 4 pages of references) I should explain, this is not just "a paper," it's the literature review for my non-thesis project. Having never done a literature review before, I was cheerfully naive about what they entailed before taking this last course. The entire purpose of said course was to teach how to read and write a literature review, and then to help us write them for our theses or non-thesis projects. My non-thesis project is kind of a monster, and so the lit review is, too.
Anyway, on Tuesday I realized it wasn't going to be done on Wednesday and begged for an extension, which of course my professor gave me. I finished it about 1AM Thursday night (early Friday morning) or maybe even later. Of course I still had to work every day. I think Monday-Thursday I got about 12 hours of sleep total. It was not good, and it made me even sicker.
But, I wrote an awesome paper which my professor called "excellent" and she said that I am very close to being done with it, which is pretty huge. She's totally amazing because she graded it by Saturday, which was about a 24-hour turn-around. Plus I have an A for the class which is affirming. I worked very hard over an incredibly difficult period but managed to stay on top of everything. (This sounds stupid but I'm writing it anyway --) I think my Mom would be proud of me for going on with it, even though I could've dropped when things went sideways early in the fall.
So, school's out until January, grad class is over, kids are done with recitals and piano for 2 weeks. Christmas shopping is done (unless I decide to get that one last thing for the boys), and some of it is even wrapped. The fridge is stuffed with food and I don't have to go out again if I don't want to...
Except tomorrow morning, when we're seeing Star Wars: TFA at the odd hour of 10AM. I'm spoiler-free and looking forward to it. I'm working on resting and recovering.
Right, back to today's massive outing; a good part of that was an appointment with Dr. O, whom I have not seen in quite a while. First off, the cold has morphed into a disgusting infection (confirmed when he scoped me), so I'm on anitbiotics plus Mucinex to keep the mucus thin and draining. (That should help my voice.) I went chiefly about my right ear tinnitus and the weird pain I get from under my jaw line where those glands are swollen. I thought they felt weird and so did he, so he's sending me for an ultrasound and possible FNA if it's something suspicious. He thinks the tinnitus is a vascular side effect of the nodes, which makes sense to me. Oh, and he confirmed that the lumpy-throat feeling is because of my reflux, it's got my esophagus irritated again. I suppose I should not be eating sriracha potato chips if I'm having reflux. I'll do as best I can to get the reflux settled but over the holidays it's really hard to stick to a good diet. Lately I've been living chiefly on Starbucks soy milk peppermint mochas and various Christmas candy given to me by my students.
Astoundingly generous, they were, this year. Of course I still have nearly 200, so that partly explains the huge haul of stuff I got.
After Star Wars, perhaps I will grade some of those (many, many) papers? I tell myself I'll have hours in the car to & from California (Disneyland!) that can be used for that, but I don't want to have it hanging over my head. All the cards and presents have been sent, all the shopping is done, now I can just sit home, relax, and get some grading done... after DD and I finish watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. We only have a half-dozen or so episodes to go, and we are thoroughly enjoying the fantastic characters, beautiful art direction, and occasional silliness, but best of all, the most coherent magical world-building of any story we (collectively) know. Tolkien's magic is impenetrable, Harry Potter's is secret (which, as much as I love it all, is stupid), and everyone else's is just ... weak, or perhaps opaque or just too incompletely revealed to be as engaging. At least, that's what we decided in our conversation this evening!
Tuesday, December 08, 2015
odd day
It seems I only pop in to write when I'm at my wit's end, these days, these months. Too much to do and not enough time to do it in.
All that is still true. On the plus side of things: DD's Shakespeare performance was terrific, and both kids played well in their holiday recital last weekend. My professor liked the first half of my paper very much, so that means I only have about 8 pages or so to write, and I have another whole week to do that, along with putting together my presentation. The new Christmas tree is so different from the old one that it still surprises me, but it is really beautiful, and DD Christmas'd up the whole house again, which is just lovely.
On the working-on-it side of things, DS2's inadequate school skills and general dodginess landed him in trouble for the last time, so now his computer's downstairs in the family room and I grill him about everything coming due and stay on him about doing it. I managed to avoid having the same failed expectations conversation for twenty-first time by simply deciding not to have it. I gave him a 2-week shot at managing his own affairs, and he didn't. Whether he can't or just won't is immaterial. If he wants to stay at his current school, he has to do the work. There is no point in keeping him there if he's not even going to try. He doesn't want to switch schools, though. He admitted his own school "could be good if only...' if only what? "...if I tried." We'll see.
Today's personal drama started yesterday after school, when I got drafted to attend a meeting. Then this morning I had to report the directives from that meeting to my peers. All of that's OK except our admin hasn't been her usual positive self lately, and after being harangued not to be "lazy," (we all were group-chastised) I knew I had to tread carefully. And I thought I did! But I didn't, and there's no point recounting the dialog, because that's not the point.
Here's what happened: with about 30 minutes left in my prep hour, I realized I needed literally 2 pages of one version of my midterm exam because there was a problem with the copies. So I went up to the office and made my two copies, and then got called into the admin's office. I really did not want to talk to her because I was confused by the discussion at the morning meeting and still thinking about everything and trying to figure out what exactly we are supposed to be doing now and how that works with our mission, which we generally adhere to pretty well. So I tried to say, could we do this later? But I was told no, and then things got very weird.
There was the back-and-forth about the meeting stuff, and I just flat out disagree with her judgment - I did not see the point of raising a junior high specific question in a meeting that had already run over an hour, when I was literally the only person at the table who was interested in the answer. We kept talking past each other, but it got to the point where I expressed how overwhelmed I am following the death of my mother. Of course, tears at this point, not sobbing, just leaking eyes and not wanting to talk anymore, but having, of course, to talk more. I say, quite clearly that nearly 200 students is overwhelming, and that's when it got bizarre. My admin said, If you want 30 students in a class, find another school.
It's still echoing around in my head now, more than 13 hours later.
Well. At the time, I was shocked but I stood up and said, "I will," and turned to go. She called me back and wouldn't let me go, and told me what a great teacher I am, blah blah blah.
All of this was just so upsetting. She kept me 10 minutes past the bell -- my students were waiting out in the hall because I had locked my door before I left my room -- my midterm exams were all laid out, getting ready for tomorrow, and I didn't want anyone walking in and finding them.
I'm finally released from this trying encounter and of course still very upset, when I'm told to have a great day, and I respond with, "Oh...." I had just been crying and talking about how overwhelmed I feel, and now I have to go back to my students and I'm told I will have a great day and I have to choose my attitude blah blah blah.
I am a professional. I got my shit together on the walk back to my classroom and not one student had any idea I had just been crying in the principal's office and basically told to find another job. And I got through the rest of the day, too, somehow. My co-workers are as flummoxed about this morning's meeting as I was, and of course wanted to know where I was when I was so late for third period class.
What a mess! I don't think it's a good idea to make a decision when you're under a lot of stress, and I am under a tremendous amount of stress right now. But I think applying at another school or two isn't the worst idea in the world. I don't know if my feelings will change but for some time I have been thinking that teaching 190-something students is too many, even if I'm not in grad school. I don't want to teach that many students, and if I have to go to another school to achieve that, that's what I'm going to have to do.
All that is still true. On the plus side of things: DD's Shakespeare performance was terrific, and both kids played well in their holiday recital last weekend. My professor liked the first half of my paper very much, so that means I only have about 8 pages or so to write, and I have another whole week to do that, along with putting together my presentation. The new Christmas tree is so different from the old one that it still surprises me, but it is really beautiful, and DD Christmas'd up the whole house again, which is just lovely.
On the working-on-it side of things, DS2's inadequate school skills and general dodginess landed him in trouble for the last time, so now his computer's downstairs in the family room and I grill him about everything coming due and stay on him about doing it. I managed to avoid having the same failed expectations conversation for twenty-first time by simply deciding not to have it. I gave him a 2-week shot at managing his own affairs, and he didn't. Whether he can't or just won't is immaterial. If he wants to stay at his current school, he has to do the work. There is no point in keeping him there if he's not even going to try. He doesn't want to switch schools, though. He admitted his own school "could be good if only...' if only what? "...if I tried." We'll see.
Today's personal drama started yesterday after school, when I got drafted to attend a meeting. Then this morning I had to report the directives from that meeting to my peers. All of that's OK except our admin hasn't been her usual positive self lately, and after being harangued not to be "lazy," (we all were group-chastised) I knew I had to tread carefully. And I thought I did! But I didn't, and there's no point recounting the dialog, because that's not the point.
Here's what happened: with about 30 minutes left in my prep hour, I realized I needed literally 2 pages of one version of my midterm exam because there was a problem with the copies. So I went up to the office and made my two copies, and then got called into the admin's office. I really did not want to talk to her because I was confused by the discussion at the morning meeting and still thinking about everything and trying to figure out what exactly we are supposed to be doing now and how that works with our mission, which we generally adhere to pretty well. So I tried to say, could we do this later? But I was told no, and then things got very weird.
There was the back-and-forth about the meeting stuff, and I just flat out disagree with her judgment - I did not see the point of raising a junior high specific question in a meeting that had already run over an hour, when I was literally the only person at the table who was interested in the answer. We kept talking past each other, but it got to the point where I expressed how overwhelmed I am following the death of my mother. Of course, tears at this point, not sobbing, just leaking eyes and not wanting to talk anymore, but having, of course, to talk more. I say, quite clearly that nearly 200 students is overwhelming, and that's when it got bizarre. My admin said, If you want 30 students in a class, find another school.
It's still echoing around in my head now, more than 13 hours later.
Well. At the time, I was shocked but I stood up and said, "I will," and turned to go. She called me back and wouldn't let me go, and told me what a great teacher I am, blah blah blah.
All of this was just so upsetting. She kept me 10 minutes past the bell -- my students were waiting out in the hall because I had locked my door before I left my room -- my midterm exams were all laid out, getting ready for tomorrow, and I didn't want anyone walking in and finding them.
I'm finally released from this trying encounter and of course still very upset, when I'm told to have a great day, and I respond with, "Oh...." I had just been crying and talking about how overwhelmed I feel, and now I have to go back to my students and I'm told I will have a great day and I have to choose my attitude blah blah blah.
I am a professional. I got my shit together on the walk back to my classroom and not one student had any idea I had just been crying in the principal's office and basically told to find another job. And I got through the rest of the day, too, somehow. My co-workers are as flummoxed about this morning's meeting as I was, and of course wanted to know where I was when I was so late for third period class.
What a mess! I don't think it's a good idea to make a decision when you're under a lot of stress, and I am under a tremendous amount of stress right now. But I think applying at another school or two isn't the worst idea in the world. I don't know if my feelings will change but for some time I have been thinking that teaching 190-something students is too many, even if I'm not in grad school. I don't want to teach that many students, and if I have to go to another school to achieve that, that's what I'm going to have to do.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
it's all too much
The first batch of my students' science fair papers, the research part, came in last Friday. The dozen or so I've looked at so far are wretched, and I don't want to read any more, but there's nothing to be done for it. I just need to get over my resentment and do it. This year, however, I have resolved: no comments, just a score. They had an opportunity to get comments from me earlier in the year, so it's too late now. Besides, the vast majority just don't care.
I'm so burned out. I always seem to have at least one commitment too many. I dropped teaching RE and thought that would free me up enough, but no. This year I'm only taking one grad class, but I'm also implementing my portfolio project, so it's more like one-and-a-half. Then of course is the kicker: I'm teaching 197 students. When I saw the enrollment numbers at the beginning of the year, I thought, "It will drop off." But it didn't. The district is giving us a "class size stipend" and it's not small, but at this point, I don't want the money. I want the time!
If science fair were part of the regular curriculum it would be OK, I wouldn't mind grading the nearly 200 papers. But it's in addition to the regular curriculum, and that's what's killing me.
Of course I'm still reeling from Mom's death, expected as it was. Every day there's something that brings back the idea that she's gone. I suppose it will get easier but it's still hard right now. I just feel like I haven't had any time to process, and God only knows when I'll get it.
Last weekend we went up to the DBG to see the Bruce Munroe exhibit, Sonoran Light. It was spectacular, and a lovely break. How I wish I could do that kind of thing more often!
Last but not least:
I'm so burned out. I always seem to have at least one commitment too many. I dropped teaching RE and thought that would free me up enough, but no. This year I'm only taking one grad class, but I'm also implementing my portfolio project, so it's more like one-and-a-half. Then of course is the kicker: I'm teaching 197 students. When I saw the enrollment numbers at the beginning of the year, I thought, "It will drop off." But it didn't. The district is giving us a "class size stipend" and it's not small, but at this point, I don't want the money. I want the time!
If science fair were part of the regular curriculum it would be OK, I wouldn't mind grading the nearly 200 papers. But it's in addition to the regular curriculum, and that's what's killing me.
Of course I'm still reeling from Mom's death, expected as it was. Every day there's something that brings back the idea that she's gone. I suppose it will get easier but it's still hard right now. I just feel like I haven't had any time to process, and God only knows when I'll get it.
Last weekend we went up to the DBG to see the Bruce Munroe exhibit, Sonoran Light. It was spectacular, and a lovely break. How I wish I could do that kind of thing more often!
Last but not least:
I just realized it has been 10 years since my last treatment.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
breather
I'm so thankful for this holiday.
I was so far behind in my grad school work that I despaired of ever catching up. I started clearing the deck over the weekend when I put together my reference list, but it wasn't until last night when I hammered out my updates to my annotated bibliography that I finally felt "unstuck."
Sometimes, there's work to be done, but for whatever reason, I get hung up and can't do it. This past month and a half, there have been a lot of reasons, some to do with my brain just giving up, some with the kids needing my time, some to do with absolutely necessary teaching work coming first. I did despair from time to time that I wouldn't come unstuck in time to actually do the work, and then what?
But today, with the luxury of a day off, I completed two smaller assignments and one rather substantial one, a big chunk of my final paper.
It helped that I was able to work in pieces. I brought my laptop with me to the kids' orthodontist appointment, and I even worked while we waited for our table for brunch at Snooze. Then when we got home I put the beef stew on... and got back to work.
It really helped the writing that I had printed my articles and highlighted my quotes. The thing that surprised me was how a narrative suggested itself more or less organically from the articles themselves. I really like it, it felt easy to write. It makes sense to me, there's a progression to it. I hope my professor agrees!
I have no expectations as to when she'll be able to grade all of these assignments of mine. When you turn in stuff late, you're at the mercy of the instructor, so she'll get to it when she gets to it. I can be patient.
In spite of having that weight lifted, I'm still struggling with my acid reflux, which I suspect is caused by a return of the mild gastroparesis I had several years ago. I did a blog crawl and found my old posts and was surprised to read that treating my cervical radiculitis cleared it up -- specifically when I was taking a therapeutic dose of ibuprofen, but also doing my neck physical therapy. I think it is not a coincidence that my stomach started acting up after about two weeks (maybe three) of slacking on my exercises, as in, not doing them at all. My exercise set is not very long but it's enough to keep me limber, so I'm back to trying to be consistent with that. And I'm back to doing my neck exercises at least twice a day, in case there's nerve impingement that's causing the problem.
We'll see how it goes. I'll continue eating smaller meals and abstaining from alcohol until I'm back to 100%. I hope I can fix this myself.
I was so far behind in my grad school work that I despaired of ever catching up. I started clearing the deck over the weekend when I put together my reference list, but it wasn't until last night when I hammered out my updates to my annotated bibliography that I finally felt "unstuck."
Sometimes, there's work to be done, but for whatever reason, I get hung up and can't do it. This past month and a half, there have been a lot of reasons, some to do with my brain just giving up, some with the kids needing my time, some to do with absolutely necessary teaching work coming first. I did despair from time to time that I wouldn't come unstuck in time to actually do the work, and then what?
But today, with the luxury of a day off, I completed two smaller assignments and one rather substantial one, a big chunk of my final paper.
It helped that I was able to work in pieces. I brought my laptop with me to the kids' orthodontist appointment, and I even worked while we waited for our table for brunch at Snooze. Then when we got home I put the beef stew on... and got back to work.
It really helped the writing that I had printed my articles and highlighted my quotes. The thing that surprised me was how a narrative suggested itself more or less organically from the articles themselves. I really like it, it felt easy to write. It makes sense to me, there's a progression to it. I hope my professor agrees!
I have no expectations as to when she'll be able to grade all of these assignments of mine. When you turn in stuff late, you're at the mercy of the instructor, so she'll get to it when she gets to it. I can be patient.
In spite of having that weight lifted, I'm still struggling with my acid reflux, which I suspect is caused by a return of the mild gastroparesis I had several years ago. I did a blog crawl and found my old posts and was surprised to read that treating my cervical radiculitis cleared it up -- specifically when I was taking a therapeutic dose of ibuprofen, but also doing my neck physical therapy. I think it is not a coincidence that my stomach started acting up after about two weeks (maybe three) of slacking on my exercises, as in, not doing them at all. My exercise set is not very long but it's enough to keep me limber, so I'm back to trying to be consistent with that. And I'm back to doing my neck exercises at least twice a day, in case there's nerve impingement that's causing the problem.
We'll see how it goes. I'll continue eating smaller meals and abstaining from alcohol until I'm back to 100%. I hope I can fix this myself.
Tuesday, November 03, 2015
up, down, up, down
More like a seesaw than a roller coaster, and for that, I'm grateful.
I'm still mostly better, except when I'm not, and it's difficult because I can't really tell when I'm going to be not-better. Tiny things hit way harder than they should because I have no emotional resilience at all.
For example, I was inordinately happy to see that peppermint mochas are back at Starbucks, and had one today. And I was really happy today through my first five periods even though 4th period was so rowdy I sent them out in the hall to settle themselves down before lecture. (It worked.) Mostly, things are working. Then 6th period were their typical selves, and 7th period was herding squirrels, and in that space of about an hour and a half, I just felt myself sinking lower and lower.
Now I'm up late pulling together material for my lit review (it's supposed to be micro-sized but I've pulled like 7 articles so I don't know if that's going to be possible) for the first part of my final paper. I've got a narrative constructing itself in the back of my head, I just hope I have time to write it and make DD's birthday pie tomorrow.
I've thought about crying a few times today. I'm sad because I wanted DS1 to stay for dinner last night but it was too late and DH took him back to his campus even though I specifically asked him to stay. He was so mean about it! He agreed to stay but with such venom that I told him to go, there was no point in him staying if he was going to be angry. I don't know what call he had to be so mean to me, and it was still stinging this morning. Then this evening DH inexplicably made a phone call in the middle of a conversation -- I was mid-sentence as he began to dial, with nary a "Just a sec, I have to make this call," excuse. I just felt like nothing.
I told him he was rude and he apologized and gave me a hug. He hadn't realized it had even happened, which tells me he wasn't even listening to what I was saying. He admitted to being thoughtless, but that's not really helpful. "Yes, I know you're talking so I'll just tune you out and do whatever..." I'm sure it happens all the time, just this time he forgot and made the phone call while he was ignoring me.
See, this is what I mean about emotional resilience. I'm more or less looking for trouble and finding fault but these were two legit examples of me being trampled, and it hurts.
Up too late, exhausted tomorrow: not a good combination when you're as emotional as I am right now. Ah, well -- onward. It's not as if I have a choice.
I'm still mostly better, except when I'm not, and it's difficult because I can't really tell when I'm going to be not-better. Tiny things hit way harder than they should because I have no emotional resilience at all.
For example, I was inordinately happy to see that peppermint mochas are back at Starbucks, and had one today. And I was really happy today through my first five periods even though 4th period was so rowdy I sent them out in the hall to settle themselves down before lecture. (It worked.) Mostly, things are working. Then 6th period were their typical selves, and 7th period was herding squirrels, and in that space of about an hour and a half, I just felt myself sinking lower and lower.
Now I'm up late pulling together material for my lit review (it's supposed to be micro-sized but I've pulled like 7 articles so I don't know if that's going to be possible) for the first part of my final paper. I've got a narrative constructing itself in the back of my head, I just hope I have time to write it and make DD's birthday pie tomorrow.
I've thought about crying a few times today. I'm sad because I wanted DS1 to stay for dinner last night but it was too late and DH took him back to his campus even though I specifically asked him to stay. He was so mean about it! He agreed to stay but with such venom that I told him to go, there was no point in him staying if he was going to be angry. I don't know what call he had to be so mean to me, and it was still stinging this morning. Then this evening DH inexplicably made a phone call in the middle of a conversation -- I was mid-sentence as he began to dial, with nary a "Just a sec, I have to make this call," excuse. I just felt like nothing.
I told him he was rude and he apologized and gave me a hug. He hadn't realized it had even happened, which tells me he wasn't even listening to what I was saying. He admitted to being thoughtless, but that's not really helpful. "Yes, I know you're talking so I'll just tune you out and do whatever..." I'm sure it happens all the time, just this time he forgot and made the phone call while he was ignoring me.
See, this is what I mean about emotional resilience. I'm more or less looking for trouble and finding fault but these were two legit examples of me being trampled, and it hurts.
Up too late, exhausted tomorrow: not a good combination when you're as emotional as I am right now. Ah, well -- onward. It's not as if I have a choice.
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