the great wave

Everyone knows this painting:

Hokusai's Great Wave off Kanagawa

I think most people focus on the wave.  I'm one of the guys in the boats.

***

Thank God I planned out my math classes because I've barely been keeping up with everything.  OK, let me backtrack a bit.  If there is nothing unusual going on, I can keep up if I am diligent, meaning I don't take any days or nights off from work.  

Of course there is always something unusual going on, some other demand on my time.  Let's see: First, I had not one but two district meetings to attend, one all-day, one only a few hours, but both required me to write up sub plans and that in itself takes hours.   

Then, DS2 received a deficiency notice in humane letters and that set off a whole chain reaction of events, ending with me attending a meeting with his teacher and the dean of the high school yesterday.  There's a novel's worth of material to explain everything, but I'll sum up by saying simply that I got upset (justifiably), there was miscommunication, and everything's good now.  And, miraculously, DS2 is no longer deficient because he is doing his work.  Part of that work has been another time-sink for me, coaching him  on his Utopia essay.  

In an effort to hold off crashing-and-burning, I'm in treatment for my neck and lower back.  Every time I go, which is three times a week, I think, "I don't have time for this," but I have to make the time.  I can't teach four classes in a row without my back screaming at me, and I've already learned stretches that magically fix that.  The neck is work in progress; somehow I've lost nearly all the curvature I'm supposed to have - 45%.  My curvature? 4%.  Yikes.  I didn't even know, of course, but that perhaps explains the numbness and tingling I was getting in my right arm: nerve entrapment.  That is so much better since I've been going, it's a miracle -- it was preventing me from sleeping, and that's not something I can afford.  So, progress.  But also a huge time sink, and I should be spending even more time on in it because I'm not doing my stretches and exercises at home much at all, and I should be spending at least a half hour a day on them.  Typing that, I think, why can't I find a half hour?  If I do, I will feel better.  It's because when I get home I have so much else to do, and when I finish that, I'm exhausted.  I think I will bump up the exercises to the top of the to-do list so they get done first.

Grad class? Excellent... but I was up way too late doing the readings, and then up way-way-too-late writing my first real assignment, which wasn't even that long. My first in-person class at the Phoenix Zoo is a week from today, and my goal there is to have completed the first assignment comments by then.  (They were due two days ago, but there is a grace period.  I feel bad that I'm starting off this way, but it is what it is.)

Another time sink has been cooking for the low iodine diet, which is mostly the same as usual except when it's not.  If we want gravy or something with a flavorful broth I have to put a lot more effort into it, because I can't just scoop out a little Better Than Bouillon to give it some depth.  I obsess over food when I'm on this diet because I feel so constrained.  Not deprived! I've been eating very well -- I just have to make every single thing, because its nigh impossible to ensure that commercially prepared food is made without iodized or sea salt. I also can't have any dairy or seafood or soy.  It's remarkable how much of my diet has at least one of those things in it.   Also, guacamole is a perfectly acceptable dinner, and Guinness makes a fine base for beef stew.

***

Now, the Great Wave: I have my Thyrogen trial this week, which means I'm driving up to Phoenix four days out of five.  I'm using my prep hours and driving up mid-day, so with any luck the traffic will be light.  But it will be stressful and exhausting, simply because I'm driving an extra hour (or more) each day, I'm being injected with synthetic TSH which always makes me feel weird, and I'm back into the cancer testing cycle.  There's no way not to be stressed!  But it's especially stressful this year because I'm taking 2 hours a day out of my available time.  I don't want to give up those 8 hours!  Hence, the feeling of impending doom.  

I created a planning document for myself so I don't forget anything.  Well, really, so I don't go crazy. I have been doing something similar each week so far just on random pieces of paper, and that gets messy and I find myself, like this week on Wednesday night at 11PM, realizing that I actually don't have the Course 3 Lesson 18 notes done, and having to type them up while struggling to keep my eyes open.  I'd love to prepare everything for the week in advance, but the reality is I usually get Monday and Tuesday done,  and then the rest of the week gets done the night before.  Eventually, when I'm out of physical therapy and all this testing nonsense is done, I will be able to get there.  I hope. 

I would like the visual metaphor for my life to be a canoe ride down a wide, gently flowing river through beautiful woods and meadows full of wildflowers, but right now, I'm off Kanagawa watching that wave come toward me, rowing for survival. 

wish I had a photo...

DS2 made garam masala while I prepped chicken for chicken masala tonight.  The herbs and spices looked and smelled heavenly while toasting in the pan on the stove, and I swear I asked him to take a photo but we didn't get one.  Next time, then -- although we have enough garam masala to last quite a while now. Cooking was a nice break from the planning I had been doing all day, and am now returning to after a little break.

I'm trying to balance work and life better this year.  In past years, whenever I've had any outstanding task, I've just willed my way through it at the expense of everything else.  This year I'm purposely looking at everything and saying, "That can wait," and so far, it has been OK.

That said, today I planned out all 3 of my math classes for the rest of the quarter, and barring surprises, I shouldn't need to touch those again.  I'm about to tackle my science classes and try for at least another few weeks out, but with the new textbooks, it's not as easy.  I love the complete lack of ambiguity in math, how the lessons follow one after the other, with predictable interval for tests and quizzes.  All I have to do is match it up against our calendar (and shuffle it around again when I lose instructional days to unexpected events...)  It's a fussy process but not difficult, and I suppose I could include less detail to make it easier if it has to change.  But the details help me stay on track in the classroom, so I kept them in.  Now with q1 planning done, the rest of the quarters will be easier, too.

Now I'm left pondering how best to make my suggestions and comments about those new science textbooks.  I have a bit of an edge after last year's failed proposal, but I'll try.  We'll see how it goes.

very quickly --

I should be showering, or making a Power Point, but I'll just post this little update.  So far I am so impressed with my students.   One of my concerns was what kind of kids we would get, but it is such a great group.  Obviously we're still at the beginning of the year and I'm sure various ugly things will raise their heads from time to time, but overall, they are the "motivated students" our mission statement talks about.

The registrar from my old campus was at our school today for the district registrars' meeting, and she popped in to visit me.  I told her without really even thinking about it that I love my new school and things are going very well (because they are!)  She said that they're very full back at the old campus -- all the classes have 35 students!  The thought of it makes me cringe.  I just don't have the energy for that.

Ironically, I'm doing about five times the prep work I had to at the old campus, but because we have so few students, it's OK.  I'm not trying to prep all those classes and grade 200 students' worth of work.  I actually love the planning and curriculum development part, so it's actually kind of a bonus.  And I love teaching the higher math classes, but the 7th grade math is a bit of a snooze.  (For me, not them.)  We'll see how this goes, but we're off to really great start.

definitely swimming in the deep end now...

Yikes, I have a lot of work!

Prepping for five different classes a day is a new experience for me.  Content-wise I'm fine, but process wise?  I can't do it without my notes & power points, and that's what's keeping me busy.

I'm a few lessons ahead in math, and I'm going to try to do some every day so I work up a reasonable buffer.  My class starts in a couple of weeks and I'm going to need to carve out some time for that!

Today I thought, why did I do this to myself?  But I do love the new school, the team is great there, and so far - one week in - the students are great, too.  Of course we'll see how it goes as we all become accustomed to each other, but so far so good, and I'm not looking for trouble.

FDoS

First day of school!

It was a great day, but I'm exhausted and praying I don't get sick.  I worked frantically the last 5 days to get both my classrooms ready, with success... but of course nothing is organized.

Fortunately I don't have to teach content this week, because my planning is not done (that's for this weekend); we're just doing policies, procedures, and practice this week.  I'm looking forward to getting back into a groove.

Meanwhile, I jumped through all the hoops and will be taking the course at the zoo, beginning in just a couple of weeks.

Off to revise last year's power point to make it relevant to the new school...

53!

How did that happen?

I have no idea where all that time went.   I certainly don't feel any older.

Today I started back to work, my pre-service days for the new school I'm helping open.   I'm starting to think I'm crazy: I'm teaching 5 subjects and I'm team lead.  On the other hand, I'll have roughly 55 students total, and that will surely help with the grading and give me time to prep all those classes.  Two aren't completely new, they're just different versions of the same material (that would be the science classes) and three are new to me, but the content is beautifully laid out for me already (that would be the math classes).

I'm up late because I finally started to hammer out my final project for my History of Science class, and I have a solid outline and a believable activity to present tomorrow in class.  I may even have time to write it up before the end of the evening.  We'll be having surf & turf at home with desserts from our favorite, Euro Cafe.  (I don't have time to bake this year, and that's OK.)

Bad news today: the PT referral I got from my urologist will not work at all for me, they are too far away and their hours are too restrictive.  I called the office to see if they could recommend anyone else.  In the meantime, I'm trying to ease back into some sort of exercise routine.  Part of me thinks if I just start doing squats and stretches again I'll be OK.  For the most part, I am.  I felt weirdly dizzy this afternoon for a little while, but it didn't last too long and hasn't returned.  The pelvic pain comes and goes but stretching does seem to help with the radiating pain, so that's good.

We'll see how it goes.

not cancer!

Of course this is great news.  I spent the last 2 weeks trying not to spin myself up into a frantic mess over this and did a pretty good job.  It helped that yesterday the kids and I went to an early matinee of Star Trek Beyond and then out for a nice lunch at Nico Heirloom Kitchen, the new restaurant in Gilbert's downtown area.  But I was still pretty nervous about this one.

The diagnosis itself surprised me, because I don't think it ever came up in any of the symptom checkers: interstitial cystitis.  I had always thought symptoms associated with IC were like those of a urinary tract infection, and that's not what's going on with me at all.   The doctor said this is usually a diagnosis of exclusion, what you get stuck with when all the tests come back negative and you're still in pain.  However, in my case, my bladder actually demonstrated the hallmark "weepy" behavior when she hyper-inflated it while I was under anesthesia, so this is not one of those "we don't know what else to say, so we'll say this," situations.

Treatment, for now, is physical therapy, just once a week for six weeks to try and strengthen my pelvic floor muscles (which are operating well from my perspective, but once again, I don't know what I don't know here.)  I've had great results with physical therapy in the past, so I'm hopeful.

pre-prep

Yes, I know the title is redundant.

I'm up now because I had a little nap, and I had a little nap because I was exhausted.  I've worked the last 3 days at my old school, even though my new school in-service doesn't start until next week.

The junior high has grown so much at my old school that they have hired more teachers, and the person they hired to teach the overflow math and science classes bailed just days before school started.  Since I will be teaching those subjects at my new school, I offered to help out.  A new teacher was hired almost immediately, and she started on Monday, but there was so much district-specific orientation to go through that the administration had me come in and teach her classes Monday through Wednesday.

This was cool for a number of reasons, the first being it was really nice to see everyone again.  It really is a great team there, and the new people they've brought on board fit right in and have the right spirit.  Since I will be team lead at the new school, it was good to get a preview of what to expect in terms of new requirements from the administration, etc, too.

It was especially cool to get some practice in teaching math.  I haven't done it before, but compared to teaching science, it's a pip: every class has the same format.  I don't have to go scrounging around the web looking for content or songs or labs, I just deliver the curriculum.  I can see how it could get boring, but I'm surprised by how much I'm looking forward to it.  It was really good to be able to practice with my old colleague right there across the hall to pester whenever I had a question.  She was very patient with me, and I really appreciated that.

Of course I am thoroughly exhausted now, and the only reason I'm up is the aforementioned nap.  I wasn't bothered by pains while at school, mostly because I was too busy, but by the time I got home in the afternoon I felt horrible.  I'm still bleeding a tiny bit, too, but not as much, and the bladder pain has almost completely subsided.  I'm glad to have had the distraction these past three days.  Now I just have to keep busy until my appointment on Friday when I find out (I hope!) what's going on with me.  I think it's ridiculous, having to wait two whole weeks for the results, but not everyone can give one-day turn-around the way they do at M. D. Anderson.  (Some part of me believes I'll be back there soon for treatment, but the rest of me is just carrying on as if that's ridiculous.  It's not quite ridiculous, or even really unlikely, but I like to think it is.)

I have that good sense of exhaustion that comes from having done good work.  Tomorrow I start (again) my last week of vacation, and I have to make calls to arrange my last content class, plus I have plans with the kids.  This is a good way to end the summer.

Flagstaff wildflowers

DD and I took off yesterday afternoon for an overnight in Flagstaff.   My Thursday class had been rescheduled, so I had the evening off, and we hiked the trail behind Little America.  It was peak wildflower season, with tiny but mighty flowers everywhere.

in-between time

I'm much more comfortable after removing the catheter on Monday.  Somewhere I have a little diatribe to deliver about that, concerning such things as taping it to my right leg, which would have made driving very uncomfortable if I'd had to do it, and taping it rather tightly, so that it was difficult for me to really pick that leg up to do anything, like, say, go upstairs.  I survived.  Now I'm just sore and my gastroparesis is back and I'm hoping that goes away soon.

I still have ten more days before I find out if anything good (or actionable) came from this process.  The only information I have is that the weird area was much more vascular than the doctor expected.  That, of course, freaks me out, because cancer cells build their own blood supply.  But there were no abnormal cells before, so I'm holding on to that, for now.

I had a break from my usual pains because I was on round-the-clock ibuprofen just so I could sit down or lay down while I had the catheter.  I'm off it now and see that the crab is still in residence, so whatever has been going on is still going on.

My school email is picking up with all sorts of start-of-the-year information, because some of our schools started pre-service today.  I don't have to go back until August 3, and that's good, because I need to get my act in gear and get my lesson plans done as much as possible -- at least spend an hour or so just changing the dates, etc.  Tomorrow afternoon I'm going back to my old school to meet the math teacher and get some help from her -- this is going to be a trip.  Right now I'm feeling like I'm going to enjoy teaching math more than science, because the science curriculum is being re-written in a way that's just a huge lost opportunity.  I'm not letting myself get involved.

I'm staying away from watching the politics and only reading a little.  I just can't go there this time.

Tomorrow: do my History of Science mid-term in the morning, visit school in the afternoon.  That class is coming to an end quickly, and I'm going to have to put together a final project for that, too.   I sense the walls closing in, so to speak: soon I'll have way too much to do, and not enough time to do it in.

Onward.

ugh

Home, post-op, with a catheter for the next 3 days.  It could be worse.

Well, here's what's worse: I won't find out anything for 2 weeks. *sigh*

vaguely discontented

I have been increasingly down this week, but I'm hoping this is my last day of feeling "off."  My surgical biopsy is tomorrow, and once that's done, I can relax, focus, and prepare for the new school year.  I hope.

My vision field test and other assorted eye tests were all fine today, good news that I just shrugged off at the time.  But it really is good news.  How many people my age need only lowest-power reading glasses ("cheaters") to be able to read easily?  I can read without them, it just takes longer.

Drinking lots so I won't be too dehydrated tomorrow.  Here's hoping.

what?

Posted yesterday that I wasn't fatigued.  Crashed at 9pm, slept past 9am, feel like I've been hit by a truck and could sleep for a week.  What did I do yesterday? It was a busy-driving day but not physically demanding.  I don't get this at all.

med stuff

Our flight home Saturday was uneventful.  The timing was such that we were able to drop off the rental car, attend mass at the airport chapel, and then have dinner at Legal Seafood before we boarded.  It was nice to have that one last New England meal before we left, but I was more than ready to come home.

Now that we are back, we're in that whirlwind of appointments and other random things that need to get done.  I am luxuriating in having so much time at home, but I'm already fighting the tendency to just sit around reading.  It seems foolish to complain about the heat, but it would be stupid to plan outdoor activities when it's 108 degrees out there.

The crab, the pelvic/lower back pain that has been my constant companion since the end of March, is much the same.  This morning I saw my GP to be cleared for surgery on Friday.  Yesterday I spent an hour just getting the paperwork from my urologist's office; it took that long to get the insurance information.  I just started a new plan year on July 1, but I think I will have met my deductible by the end of this week!  I am very lucky that we can afford for me to have all these health issues.

That paperwork included a release form which was basically terrifying.  On the upside, I don't have any of the symptoms of bladder cancer like blood in my urine, and the cytology didn't find any abnormal cells there, either.  I'm also not having fatigue, or problems with my digestion, either.  So I don't have any of the usual symptoms of really bad things, except I still have this pain.  My urologist was skeptical that what she saw in my bladder could be causing the pain I'm having, but she's going to check everything out while under anesthesia on Friday.  My biggest hope is that she can figure out what's going on.

I have been going a little crazy chasing rabbits on the internet.  There are only so many ways I can put my symptoms into the different symptom-checkers, and they all say the same things, except for the Isabella, which brings up scary things like abdominal aortic aneurysm, which is something that nearly killed my father.  But if I had that, it would have shown up on the CT scan, I think, although the lack of contrast limited what they could visualize. Other research topics: bladder wall irregularities, bladder cancer, urethral dilation, the correlation of RAI treatments and additional cancers.  All this since we've been home, and it's only Tuesday morning.

Meanwhile, my vision field test will by Thursday morning, and I'm wondering how that will go.  I've had 3 significant nose bleeds in the past month.  I had that weird occurrence last fall, but usually I never get them.  My guess is they are related to dry environments or dehydration, but that doesn't seem to fit the circumstances.

I have been really strict with myself about avoiding wheat, and it is paying off in better digestion and minimal joint pain.  If I drive for any great length of time, my hands are swollen the next morning, and I wonder if that means I really do have something going on, arthritis-wise.  But as long as I stay away from wheat, I don't wake up feeling like I've been hit but a truck, and that's a win. Trying to stay focused on the positive.

not exactly as planned, but...

Heublein Tower on Talcott Mountain

We hiked up Talcott Mountain on Monday and I still haven't recovered.  The hike up was lovely, as were the views from the top of the tower, as always on such a clear day.  Then we went a bit crazy buying stuff at their little gift shop, and DS2 headed back on his own because he was restless with us.  DH, DD and I decided to follow the blue trail down, which DD and I had done last year.  It's a side trail that's a bit more rugged and much quieter.   It was a nice hike down, except...

Trail Map

The blue and yellow trails only converge at the top, near the tower, and they pretty sharply diverge near about three-quarters of the way down the mountain.  Last year, somehow or other we found ourselves back on the yellow trail near the base, probably at the point where the Metacomet Trail turns sharply east.  We ended up on the road by the park entrance and then followed it back to the tower trail, where DS2 had been waiting patiently... for an hour.

Overall it was a lovely day, but that last hour was difficult.  Gnats kept flying into my eyes in a way that really disturbed me.  I don't recall that ever happening so many times before.  It was creepy.  Also, in that last hour, my ibuprofen wore off and I hadn't thought to bring any with me, since I didn't think we'd be gone that long.  Of course the crab woke up and has basically been tormenting me ever since.  I've been up early the past two days not because I don't want to sleep any more, but because my ibuprofen has worn off and the pain wakes me up.

DH has taken the kids tubing on the Farmington River, but I declined because I don't want to sit in an inner tube for 2 hours, even if it's just nicely floating down the river most of the time.  Having to be stuck somewhere for 2 hours any where does not sound fun to me right now.  I have homework to do for my history of science class, which I will do when I finish this post.  I'm finished with my philosophy of biology class, having written a nearly-five page reflection on the need, value, and importance of philosophical considerations of biology.  I wasn't thrilled with the paper but at least it is done, and now I only have one class to manage, and this one will be over in a month's time, too.

I'm glad I went on the hike, even if all that unaccustomed exertion is what put me in my current sorry state, where even with the ibuprofen I still have considerable pain.  We'll be home Saturday, and I have appointments already lined up to pursue a diagnosis.   In the meantime, it's lovely to be here where it's so green.

DD at the top of  Talcott Mtn

Gorgeous 4th of July Sunset at Bloom Hill Farm

in which I feel sad

Mom's roses, flourishing.

After dinner this evening, I went with DH and DD to get ice cream (well, sorbet for me), and the sadness sneaked up on me. I am not just an orphan, now I'm homeless, too. (The latter is manifestly absurd, as my daughter reminded me, "But you have a husband, three children, a house, and a job." But I don't have the house I grew up in, anymore.)

We had a lovely ten days on the Cape, with absolutely beautiful weather and great times with the  extended family.  I probably ate more lobster in the last week than I've eaten in my entire life, but that's not something to complain about. (Lobster eggs Benedict is a brilliant idea, and hollandaise sauce is so easy and delicious, who could resist?)  

 

Last Saturday, my nephew married his sweetheart in a lovely ceremony, followed by a delightful reception.  DH indulged me tremendously by dancing with me for most of the time that dancing was happening.  DD wondered how much I'd had to drink because I seemed, she said, "very happy."  I was happy.  It was wonderful to be with my family for such a positive reason.  It was delightful to see how the little ones are growing up.  And it was really fun to dance, and for whatever reason, the crab slept through the whole thing, so I didn't even think about having pain. 

My brother and his family didn't come back to the house after the wedding, since they flew back to Louisiana early Sunday morning.  I confess when I woke up Sunday, my first thought was, Why are we still here? It's over. 

But it wasn't, of course.  DH had only been in since Thursday, and there were things we could still do, like go out for dinner at our favorite French restaurant, bike the Shining Sea path to Woods Hole, and of course,  put the house back in order so we could leave.  I actually did lose count of how many loads of laundry I did, since there many towels and sheets as well as all our clothes.  

Plus dusting and vacuuming and cleaning out the refrigerators and getting all the trash and recycling out for pickup, and feeling weird about not having done any yard work.  Then packing all our stuff and the stuff that had been Mom's that the kids wanted, and somehow fitting  all that in the trunk of the rental car. 

One last lunch at the best local burger joint, and then it was off to Boston to drop DS1 at the airport (he's road-tripping to California with his friends) and then on to Connecticut.  I almost cried driving over the canal. We're never going back.  

I understand that it's not a bad thing, it's not wrong that this is happening.  This is the way things are.  I imagine millions of people experience this exact thing ever year.  Parents die, houses are sold, lives move on.  So it goes, but it hurts. 

When I was just out of college, I got a copy of The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh  (long story, not worth the telling).   I had loved hearing the stories when I was little, and I still love the original Disney cartoons, but I had somehow forgotten the last story, when Christopher Robin comes to Pooh to tell him he's going off to school and won't be able to play with him in the Hundred Acre woods every day.  It broke my heart when I read it, in my early twenties, before I'd had any children.  Even then I was overcome with nostalgia and a keen awareness of the inevitable loss that the passage of time imposes on all of us.  

I get pangs of that same nostalgia when I see DD's beat up old teddy bear in her room, still perched near her beanbag chair.  Like Christopher Robin, she will always have her Tety to remind her of those times, even if she can never go back to the days of Tety and his friends and the adventures she and her brothers had together.  I have a few things from my mother's house, but it's not the same.  Even though I have a home with my husband and children that I love, Mom's house never stopped being home, until today.  The Hundred Acre woods are closed.

enduring question

Why is it that, when I'm struggling to keep my eyes open and therefore go brush my teeth and all the rest of the get-ready-for-bed routine, when I finally get in bed I'm wide awake?

So annoying.

I've been supremely unproductive since passing the test on Monday.  Mainly I've chauffeured various people to various places.  I did buy us tickets to see Book of Mormon next May, and I made pastitsio for the first time ever over the past two days (delicious, worth the effort.)   I've also wasted (I had originally typed "spent," but that's not right) a lot of time on the internet, and I tried to clean the cloudiness off our stemless wine glasses with no luck (so far.)

That pain is still there, ranging from something I can ignore to something that really bothers me.  Still have no idea what it is, but today I tried out some yoga poses that are supposed to help menstrual cramps (that's the closest analogy I can think of) and they didn't help.  I took some Tylenol and it helped a little, but that's not going to be an every day thing if I'm having wine with dinner.

Two more days before heading East -- I have cleaning and packing to do, and plenty of time to do it in, if I just do it.  Between the pain and not sleeping well, I'm in a severe energy deficit.  And honestly, I'm still recovering from the stress and over-work leading up to the math test.

Since I'm awake, I'm off to do some homework.  With any luck my brain will reject that idea as foolish and get sleepy again.

Math!

I am thoroughly exhausted.  It's only 6:41pm and I feel as if it's 2 in the morning. That's what happens when you have hours and hours of intense mental work when you're not used to it, like spending four and a half hours on a math test, and then almost immediately spending three hours in a deep philosophical discussion.

Today's schedule: my middle grades math certification test, followed by Philosophy of Biology.

I passed the test handily, scoring a 270 with 220 necessary to pass, so I would love to celebrate, but I'm too tired to do anything.

I'm looking forward to having my math study time back to work on my non-thesis project!

slightly uncomfortable, vaguely nauseated

I just had my first cystocopy, a charming procedure in which the doctor images the interior of the urethra and bladder by using a little laproscopic device.

It was exactly painful, just weird, but now that it's over, peeing has not been fun, but I expect I'll get over that by the end of the day.

The good news is that it is not prolapse, because correcting or treating prolapse is difficult and requires surgery.  My pelvic exam was fine, especially because the exam didn't actually cause me any pain -- right now the pain is up higher.

The bad news is that there is a spot of weirdness on the interior of my bladder. *sigh* The doctor was very nice and encouraging.  She wants to biopsy it, and she  suggested that we do that under sedation, so it will be a surgical biopsy.  She said it could be infection in the bladder wall, or it could be pre-cancer.   Then she said, "It's not pre-cancer," by way of telling me not to worry too much. She also said I would probably need further imaging studies, depending on what is going on with the bladder.   I am OK with this, but now we're kind of running into the window for my RAI scan, so coordinating this is going to be interesting.

DS1 played chauffeur and picked me up after, and I was glad I didn't have to drive because I felt surprisingly gross (see post title).  So that's it for now.  We'll see how it goes.

three's the charm?

I have the sense of making progress.

I had the CT scan Tuesday, got the (unremarkable) results -- except for "mild bladder wall thickening" -- yesterday, along with a referral to a urologist, yesterday.  Saw the urologist today, a new specialist for me, and the third doctor I've seen to try and get some relief from this pain that is just not going away.  I liked her very much, perhaps because she listened to what I had to say about this situation and said, "I think I can help you with your pain."  I hope she's right.  I have another test scheduled for next Friday (cystocopy) and we'll go from there. One new idea is prolapse, since I had it before. The doctor mentioned that a prolapse surgery involving only my own tissue (no artificial supports) that lasted more than 10 years was actually an unusually good outcome.

So, there's that.  The other great news: I got my nice bonus!  You could knock me over with a feather.  I did not realize that they didn't just look at the raw data from the state, they actually calculated a percentage based on the "gen ed" students only, and they did brilliantly (94% "met" or "exceeded"!)

Today I also participated in the final call-in for the class I took last summer, which was sad for me because I didn't implement anything the way I wanted to, because last year was basically one body blow after another.  There were tech glitches but I still got to contribute to the discussion, so I feel better about that.

What else? Finally cleared out some stuff that needed to go to the recycling center.  It's remarkable how much space two office/desk chairs take up, and also remarkable how much dead technology we had kicking around.  I love getting rid of stuff.  After that, DD and I drove up to Phoenix and got her senior blazer, which is going to need substantial tailoring.  Now I just have to get DS2 a new suit for the upcoming wedding...

I briefly got my hopes up about deferring the big math test until August, when a new AEPA test will be available for certifying grades 6-12 on middle school math and "foundational" math for high school. No luck -- gotta do the m.s. one, currently scheduled for the 13th.  I did not pass the practice test when I took it on Monday, but I probably would have if I had 1) been in a more serious environment, not sitting on the couch while the kids had the television on and 2) used a scientific calculator instead of my phone.  Also, there was the whole rushing through it thing -- there were 120 questions and I had 144 minutes.  Of course I didn't finish properly, but on the real test I'll have 4 hours and 15 minutes, which is 255 minutes!  That's very reasonable.  So: more math over the next 10 days, particularly functions and (gulp) calculus. [One delightful realization: I have good instincts for a lot of this material, and I actually like it.  I think teaching math is going to be more fun than I thought!]

Summer school for me and the two younger offspring starts Monday!  I have to budget my time wisely so I get all my reading and writing done.  The time is going to fly by.

shhh, don't wake the crab

Today my only accomplishments were finding the cat and completing several puzzles in the Monkey level of the highly addicting WordBrain game. Finding the cat took much, much longer.

I slept in very late, and when I finally got up, DH asked if I'd seen Alice, our deaf tortie.  Whole house search ensues.  Even more thorough whole-house search continues.  Flashlights deployed to look in the darkest corners of closets and shelves on cupboards (she has been known to sneak into an open cupboard and curl up in there.)

No luck.  DH went out to look for her in the neighborhood, and I made up flyers to post and hand out to the neighbors.  Ringing doorbells, I was very sorry to interrupt my neighbors' Memorial Day weekend, but everyone I spoke to was very friendly and kind.  A neighbor two doors down said she had seen Alice outside on Friday. Friday!  How could she have been out since then? I felt terrible to think she had been outside all this time!  It is very hot now, too.   Another neighbor two more houses over had seen her last night, when her dog saw her out front and went crazy, barking.  Of course Alice was oblivious because she is deaf!  But it was a relief knowing she was OK last night.

When I ran out of flyers, I came in to think about what to do next.  DD and I decided to take the car out to put up some flyers a little farther out in the neighborhood, so I printed some more.  An older gentleman was very reassuring, "Your cat is within 50 yards of your house.  She may be in someone's garage, but believe me, they never go far."  He told me stories of his cats that were gone for up to 12 days... living in a neighbor's garage! That was encouraging.  About three minutes after that, we turned up another street and I noticed one yard had their sprinklers on, and water was running down onto the sidewalk.  It was late afternoon, about 5PM, by this time, and most people don't water their lawns at that time around here.  I noticed the water first, but then I noticed there was something under one of the cars in the driveway.   We pulled over and I ran over to the car, and there she was, stretched out.  I panicked for a moment but then I could see she was breathing.

I called her, but of course, no response, and I couldn't reach her from the back of the car.  From the side I could just reach her hind paws, so I snagged them and pulled her towards me.  Of course this woke her up and she was very irritated to be dragged from the shade of the car, but I didn't care.  I held her very close and DD drove us the approximately 25 yards home.

DD and then spent another half-hour or so taking down all the flyers I had put up, and retrieving any that were still in neighbors' doors.  I was very thorough in plastering the neighborhood, but I've never minded using up paper and ink so little.  It was worth it to have her back.

I did some math yesterday morning, but then spent the afternoon antiquing with DD, which was lovely, except for the pain.  I've had it for so long now that I've named it the crab, because it feels like something take chunks of me, pulling and pinching.   Sometimes I feel fine, especially if I can stay off my feet, but walking around for hours yesterday and today was challenging at times. Mostly it's mid-range on a pain scale, which means if I get involved in something, I can forget about it, but then other times, I can't ignore.  I have a CAT scan scheduled for Tuesday, and I would really like to know what is going on.  For now, though, I think, go to sleep, little crab, leave me alone!

Alice needs brushing.  I'm off.

this is vacation?

Weeelllll....

On my first day off I took a look at the study guide for the math test I was supposed to take today and realized I wasn't ready to take it, so I postponed it till next Thursday.  I spent a few hours on the diagnostics and realized I really need to review and study. I haven't had geometry in over 30 years!  That's a long time.  At the same time, I realized the study guide is just that, a guide, and it doesn't have the actual content  I need.  It took me a while but I came around to the idea of just stopping by the school and picking up some student textbook CDs, which I did yesterday.  They are installed and everything, but I haven't "mathed" much since I installed them, because:

I started the day bright and early with a dentist appointment (8am!) followed by an appointment with my endocrinologist.  All clear on the dental front, and the endo noted my weight loss and had my labs and everything's good except my T4 is a little high but she feels that it's not too bad and she's leaving my meds alone for now.  Unbelievably, we're starting the approval process for my Thyrogen trial in October already.  After that I went over to the school and picked up my stepladder which I had left behind and got the math CDs, too.  Then I had to get home to pick up DS1 for his dentist appointment -- it was too cruel to make him get up early, and there was no reason to drag him to my endo appointment. 

After I picked up the younger two kids from school (this is their last week), DS1 asked if I could him clean his room - friends are coming over later this week.  You have to understand, the entire contents of his dorm room were piled into a corner of his room in front of his closet.  Somewhere between 3 and 4 hours later, his room is quite livable.  I always say, start with throwing away the trash, which helped.  Then we went through all his drawers and his closet and made piles of things to donate and things to just throw away.  The donate pile was huge.  I introduced him to the joys of Swiffer dusters and even vacuumed.  I believe the last time his room was this clean was before his sophomore year of high school when I painted his room while he was in debate camp.  It was very satisfying work, but exhausting.

Somewhere in there, the gyn's office called back and left these results for me: "The results of your urine culture were negative.  Your PAP smear was also negative.  There were no cysts on your ovaries.  If you are still having pain, see your PCP."   This message was infuriating for so many reasons.  One, they had already told me the results of the urine culture.  Second, they did not do a PAP smear, I don't even have anything to test!  Ridiculous.  Third, fine, ok, no cysts on the ovaries, did they even bother to look to see if there was anything else that could be causing my symptoms? It was a 30-second ultrasound.  I am so done with that practice!  Fortunately, I called my PCP and I got an appointment for this morning, which explains why I haven't mathed much.

My appointment was at 9:30 but I knew the car was already loaded up with DS1's stuff-to-be-donated, so I got up early and went through my own closet, and the linen closet, and added even more stuff.  I am moderately embarrassed to admit that there were still crib sheets in my linen closet.  (DS2 is 15 years old, it has been quite a while since I had a crib in the house!) Anyway, now DS1 has plenty of room, the linen closet is in much better shape, and my closet is a bit better, too.  So I loaded up all that stuff, and then headed out.  

My doctor is, bless him, a great listener, and he was amazingly professional in not slagging on my gyn for being a slacker.  He did a thorough exam and suggested a couple of possibilities, including spinal/nerve stuff, or scar tissue.  He sent me for an x-ray of my lower spine (quick, cheap, easy) just to see if anything obvious comes up there, and is getting authorization for a CT scan.

Perversely, I would be relieved if it's nerve-related, but it really feels as if there's something in there, and I have a hard time getting away from that feeling.

Anyway, dropped off the donations, got my x-ray, picked up the kids, got them lunch, and then took DS2 and myself to the dermatologist.  His acne is back so he'll be starting up treatment, and I needed a spot check - all clear. *whew*

Back home, managed to have a great conversation with my sister about all this medical stuff, and then it was dinner and then I didn't feel like working, so I didn't.   I have a little over a week to get my act together.  I think tomorrow will be easier because I don't have any appointments in the morning so I can work while the kids are at school.  I haven't been a complete slug, though, because I'm making great progress on one of the books for my history of science class, a biography of Alexander Humboldt which is really great.

I set myself back a bit by looking over my end-of-the-year paperwork from school and figuring out that the odds of reaching 'highly effective' are very slim (at least 90% of my students would have to meet or exceed on the AIMS test, and the highest I've ever had was 85%.)  I pretty peeved about that, since it is essentially halving my (potential) bonus, and sentencing me to another year of additional administrative oversight.  I'm wondering if it's worth saying anything, since I'm only missing this because of 2 lousy points on my last formal evaluation.  Every time I think about it, I get annoyed, because there are so many teachers who just come in and punch the clock in and then out and they're done, and they get the highly effective tag.  I'm feeling as if I will never be a success in my district, and it's not a good feeling, especially when I'm doing this whole teaching math thing literally for them.  Why?  Mainly because I made the commitment. There's also the fact that I don't have another job lined up. 

Pain was bad on and off today.  I would really like it to resolve itself and then I wouldn't have to have so many doctor's appointments.Things I know it's not: a urinary tract or bladder infection, pelvic inflammatory disease, kidney stones, anything digestion related.  My labs were stellar, and any or all of those would have shown up somehow.  Here's hoping we'll find out what it is, and that it won't be terrible. 

the headlong rush to the end of the year

Tomorrow is my students' field trip, just a fun day for them, really, but it's totally boring for us teachers since we literally have to stand around and watch them.  I am tempted to bring a book but it's simply not done.

Tomorrow night, eighth grade promotion ceremony, then Thursday is my last day at my current campus.  I will be going to the new, closer campus next "fall" - school starts for us in mid-August, to give time for the construction to finish, so I have a somewhat "late" start.

This end-of-year stuff is exhausting me, though.  I've arranged labs and activities for my students that involve buying stuff, setting it up, and then cleaning up after -- and since I only have one sink in my classroom, that means I'm stuck with nearly all of the cleanup tasks. It's a lot of work, but the students seem to appreciate it (some even actually say thank you), and, you know, it's my job, it's what I do.

Lately what I do is worry about what's going on with me.  I've had the pain and fullness that usually accompany an ovarian cyst since the end of March.   Usually it resolves itself in 4 or 5 or sometimes 6 weeks, but whatever this is, it's hanging on.  I finally called my gynecologist a week and a half ago, only to find out that he has closed his private practice and joined a large group practice, which I hate.

I know I hate it because I saw him there last Tuesday, where he did the most cursory of exams and declared that I probably have diverticulitis, even though my digestion is pretty much perfect (for me). He did order an ultrasound, and because this is a large practice and they do everything in house, I had to wait until today to get it.  It took all of two minutes, since the only thing the tech imaged was the ovaries, and she said they looked fine.  I certainly didn't see any cysts so I'm confused.  What could make me feel like there's a cyst when there isn't?

Well, duh: ovarian cancer.  When I run what I'm feeling through various symptom checkers, it comes up near the top of the list. I didn't notice anything weird about the ultrasound though, so if there is cancer it's not exactly obvious.  That is one of the known problems with ovarian cancer, it's not obvious.  It's not a bladder infection or UTI because the urine culture came back negative.  I'd be surprised if it's PID...

With any luck results will be back by the end of the week, and I'll have some indication of what the next steps are.  This doesn't seem to be going away and it's annoying and painful and makes the lower part of my stomach stick out and I can't even suck in my gut anymore.

In the meantime, I've started reading the texts for my two classes, when I really should be studying for the Math AEPA I'm taking next Tuesday!  I admit I'm somewhat terrified about teaching math (along with science) next year, but I figure I can handle it, with help.

mother's day

These past few weeks have been rough.  Every time I turned on the television there was some ad or program referring to Mother's Day to remind me of my own dear mother's absence. I finally just gave up and would only watch streaming videos so I wouldn't have to deal with it.  

I'm still angry about this whole situation, even though that doesn't make sense.  I go through relatively long periods where I'm fine (because I'm not thinking about it), but then I'm not.  I'm just sort of... empty, missing something that can't be replaced.  I suppose I will get used to it.  I'm kind of used to it already in some ways, but not in others...

My day today involved a nice brunch, all going out to a movie together, and a nice dinner in the evening.  Brunch was later than I expected because I underestimated how long it would take to make both blueberry cake (for the family) and lemon muffins (gluten- and sugar-free for me), but in the end it was all quite delicious.  

The movie was Captain America:Civil War, which involved less silliness and stupidity than I expected, and thus was thoroughly enjoyable.  I think the thing I liked best was the care the writers took to show that the characters are actual people, with real feelings.  It was well done, and everyone enjoyed it.

Dinner was surf & turf, I prepped and DH grilled.  We ate outside, and afterwards the two older children and I stayed outside for quite a while just talking and being together, and that made today completely perfect.

There were other things, of course: I talked to both my sisters, and texts went back and forth among all my siblings.  Somehow all the laundry got done.  I thought about grading some tests but that didn't happen... no big deal, I'll have time to do it this week since I have my prep hour back. (All of the younger grades have now visited junior high science.)  I was fairly successful most of the day in not thinking about whatever is going on with (what I think is) my ovarian cyst -- will just have to wait until Tuesday to find out.  I'm glad I was able to not-think about that for a good part of the day.

Perhaps some won't believe me when I say I don't need anything, but I know there will come a time when my children will not be able to spend (most of) a day with me, and so I'm appreciating it while I can. Time is the most precious thing we have, and being with my family is the best thing in the entire world.

work now, play later

We had a couple of slow weeks at school, with the students were in standardized testing, when we weren't allowed to give homework or tests or quizzes.  My eighth graders had targeted review work, which basically amounted to a participation grade.  But I assigned a cool in-class project to my seventh graders, which had multiple parts and really let them be creative while still demonstrating that they had learned something.  Those things were due a while ago, as were my eighth graders' physics workbooks (that sort came before and after the standardized testing.)

For some reason, I just got out of the habit of attacking the grading asap, and I just let them sit around too long, which ended with my having to really power through huge stacks of stuff in order to be ready for this week's progress reports.  I have to stop scheduling project and lab due dates within a day or two of quizzes and tests, because then I'm just buried in grading and it takes me a while to dig out.

The trick, of course, is not to get behind, so today I graded all the reviews & quizzes, and put them all in the grade book, so I won't have to think about them again.  It seems rather stupid and obvious to be writing about this ("Do the work.  It's not complicated.") but I keep putting myself into this same jam, at least this year, when I seem to fall into a funk and don't do anything after school.

My life is really not set up to do nothing after school.  If I don't work then, I won't get done what needs to get done!

My students are still bouncing off the walls, and I'm spending way too much time taking their "points" away and emailing their parents about it.  Still, I have to be strong about this now or it's only going to get worse.  It's not for too much longer now, anyway!

T. S. Eliot was right

April really is the cruelest month.

Nature-wise, everything is blooming and beautiful and the weather is mild and delightful, so my complaint is not with the unfulfilled promise of the season seen in more northerly, harsher climates.

No, April is just the cruelest month for teachers and probably for students, too, who have to deal with standardized testing that throws everyone off for at least a few weeks.  Then, after the extended hiatus, we're exhorted to jump right back into curriculum and "finish strong."

The students have checked out!  They think they're done for the year when we have six weeks left.  I have enough experience with this to know that this happens every year, and that this first post-testing week is crucial in re-establishing procedures and expectations for behavior and productivity.  If I let anything slide now, by the end of the year my classroom will be a madhouse.

We're all loading up the students with work and assessments, and they're resisting, for now.  With any luck, if we keep the pressure on, we'll be back to normal by next week, or the week after... soon May will be here, and the last day of school will be on us before we know it.

a bit on the nose

I had a dream last night that I was a passenger in a car.  My mother was driving (this surprised me, even in the dream; Mom hasn't driven much since 2010) and my two sisters were in the back, and we were talking about a meal we'd just had together.  Mom was talking about the dessert, I think, but I couldn't tell because suddenly her words weren't actual words, even though her tone and inflection were still normal.  In the dream, I realize that she's having another attack of aphasia and realize she needs help. I ask her to pull over, and the car slowly drifts to the shoulder, but keeps moving.  Becoming more distressed, I ask her to put the car in park, to change the gear -- but looking over, there's now  no one  in the driver's seat, so I grab the gear lever on the steering column and force it up, and the car stops.  I look in the back and see Mom's now back there, flanked by my sisters, the three of them somewhat crowded in the back, and I think, That looks uncomfortable.  And then I woke up.

***

So, yes, my subconscious saw fit to inform me that even if I feel I have no control over my life, I actually do. Or, I could, if I would just take it. Thanks, unconscious brain!

***

I have heard hundreds of sermons on the transformative power of love.  Sometimes, though, you can hear a thing many times before you actually understand it. Fr Rafael today spoke about how the act of loving changes us, as much if not more so than being loved, using the example of Peter's profession of love for Jesus from this week's gospel.  This actually ties back to the out-of-control dream, which connects to my recent discouragement at work (which, you know, is actually school.)

I have a student who drove me crazy last year in seventh grade and was making me nuts this year, too, until I just decided to stop that and really listen to him and be kind.  It would be delightful to say that he's really turned around and become a great student, but that's never going to happen for many reasons -- but it is delightful that he doesn't vex me anymore.

It's also delightful that I'm having visits from all the younger children, who have so much fun in my classroom.  My colleagues can't understand why I'm so willing to give up my prep hour to have the littles come in.  It's a bit awkward to tell them I love them, and really mean it, but I do.  And when I say I love teaching junior high students, they're like toddlers in teenagers' bodies, and they change so much over these two years, they need so much help! I really mean that, too.

I am never happy if I'm holding back.

***

On the other hand... I (finally) know myself well enough to know that minor bumps get blown up in my imagination or psyche into major dramas, and if I talk about it, or write about, or obsess about it... everything gets worse.  I think about what I should do or say, when, where, how, to whom, endlessly looking for a solution to a problem that probably doesn't even exist.  So if I'm upset about something, I'm going to make myself at least sleep on it before deciding whether or not it's actually "a thing" that requires attention.

I can actually do this now, whereas in the past I couldn't detach myself.  I'm glad about that, but wondering what took me so long.  Or perhaps I've had this ability in the past (something seems familiar about this resolution) and just forgot, or lost it.

Trying this recently, very few incidents survive to become "things" that need me to do anything.  I can feel sad about something without having to try to change it, and I can let others manage their own affairs.

This approach leaves me with some energy to apply to useful and pleasant activities that help offset that sadness and frustration.  This week that meant sending another article idea to my adviser, because if teaching is making me a little crazy, writing about teaching intrigues me. I know it'll take months and months, but I want to publish.

Mercury retrograde, or something

Today was not an easy day.

For me, the worst I had to face was too many unruly seventh graders stacked into my fifth period class because ... reasons. At least, that was the worst I had to face for myself, and I was cheered up considerably by the round of applause my 8th-graders gave me after my pointed speech about Newton's laws of motion and their application to chairs that have fallen over.

After school, though, I found out that DS2's field trip was cut short because ... reasons, and that was disappointing.  DD came home crestfallen this evening over an incident at her work, and then DS1 called from campus feeling frustrated by the attempts at indoctrination he's surviving in his required diversity classes.

Easter wasn't even two weeks ago and it feels like it was last year.  I know I need attitude adjustment but it's hard when it's the offspring who are troubled.  I'm better at reminding myself that all things are temporary.  Certainly nothing life-altering happened today, and that's good, but I still wish I could fix all their problems with a hug and a little reassurance.  You think - I thought - when  you become a parent, oh, it will be so much easier when they're out of diapers, only to realize there's new mischief for them to get into.  Later you think, it'll be so much easier when they're in school or when they're out of the house... but it never gets easier to listen to my children be sad or frustrated or upset.

(I suppose the antibiotic is working, but whenever my NSAID wears off, my entire face fills up with mucus. It's the weirdest thing.  I still don't feel well. I'm in one of those moods (modes?) when I wonder if I will ever feel well, again.)

spring, fevers...

The weather has been mostly lovely.  A bit too hot, then it cooled off again, and now we're apparently back up in the 90s, probably to stay.  I'm not complaining.  Enough of the cold!  Plus, we're just about at peak ocotillo season here, and the larger one out front is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.  

I finally broke down on Sunday and went to urgent care for antibiotics.  I've been feeling horrid for too long, and even though I kept telling myself I was getting better and didn't need them, I wasn't, and I did.  I'm also taking the new NSAID my surgeon prescribed for me, in an effort to calm down the C7/C8 junction that I tweaked, somehow.  The only symptom, besides the very rare feeling like I'd bruised my spine, is this weird feeling along the back of my arm, like the skin has been scraped.  There's nothing wrong with the skin, of course (scrapes heal well before 4 weeks have passed.)  I figure I'll give a good 6-8 weeks to resolve and only then I'll see the doctor about it again.  It's not that bad. 

School is making me sad these days.  My proposal is DOA, or at least I have every reason to believe that.  Last week was the writing test, and this week is the reading and math tests.  The last of all will be science test to my 8th graders, who frankly have had enough of this nonsense and are not in the mood to review anymore.  I just want to them to do well. At least I finally get my wish and we've kept the normal bell schedule and are just working around the students in their respective test groups.  That, at least, is a blessing, as is the fact that we're getting the testing out of way early.  That last part's great -- we'll be done in just a few days -- but my students are taking the AIMS test 2 weeks earlier than they did last year, which means that's 2 weeks less content I got to try and stuff into their brains.  

I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm trying not to take it personally that my proposal wasn't seriously considered.  I'm trying to avoid that square peg-round hole feeling that's growing.  All that will become easier if this crud ever loosens its grip on me.  Tomorrow is my third full day on the antibiotic, and I'm hoping for a breakthrough.

acathartic

That's probably not even a word.  But it's how I'm feeling, here at my mother's house, coming to the end of my stay here.  I feel accomplished, even though the inventory is barely begun: there are no more hidden caches of anything, here, now.  Accompanied by various siblings over my stay, we've excavated closets, chests, dressers, file cabinets, innumerable boxes and bags - and (just me) the attic, from where I heaved (many) bags and boxes of yarn, and books, and other unbreakables, feeling like the Grinch who had packed up the Who's Christmas quite thoroughly so he could heave it up the chimney.

It's quite a bit of work to excavate all that, but then another entirely to actually work through it all and dispose of it, sorting the good into piles and the recyclables one way and the trash another.  I am very pleased that anyone walking into the house would have no idea that any of that went on, unless he or she happened to see the piles of bagged trash and boxes of recycling ready to go out.  My timing there was lousy, although I did manage to get 9 bags of trash picked up this morning.  That leaves 6 to go, plus the recycling.  There's nothing I can do about that, so I just tucked it into one of the bedrooms where it's not in anyone's way.  I concede that's it's far from lovely, but so be it.

I wonder if I am emotionally defective, though, because I'm not finding this in the least bit difficult.  It is really surprisingly easy for me to throw things away, when they're my own things, and I'm not having any more difficulty here.  I can scan something written, or take a photo, and then I know I'll be able to access the memory, and that's really all I need.  (Never mind that I am bringing home an extra suitcase; that's mostly my mother's Nativity scene, which is a lot bigger than I remembered it being.)  In this, I am very different from my sisters, who were with me here today as we slogged through an incredible amount of saved paper.

Mostly I feel as if I've done some good. Once everyone has claimed what they want, we can have an estate sale and get the house cleaned out.  All this will make things so much easier when it's time to put the house on the market.  I have a breathless, "Oh!" reaction to the idea of selling this house, letting the reality of never coming back here sink in, but then that moment passes.  I'm busy.  My kids are growing up,  I have a lot going on, and my days of having 6-7 week vacations on Cape Cod are over.  C'est la vie.

told ya

The meeting was a waste of time, of course.  No one had anything productive to say one way or another, just some vague sniping ("Don't we do this already?") and no one was willing to go out on a limb with me and say the grading burden is unmanageable... until we were on our way out to our cars after the meeting was adjourned.  Then I heard, "Wow, it would be great if they would drop the requirement for 8th grade next year."  Gee, maybe if you had said that at the meeting and given the district reps the impression that you agree with my proposal?  All that ended up happening was kicking the can down the road to April 1, for some reason no one could clearly articulate.  The decision is, of course, not up to us, and the initial word is, "I doubt that will happen. We were founded with the idea that would do science fair,"  which is of course the best reason to do a science fair, ever!

I won't go so far as to say everything is backwards, but our curriculum development starts and ends with standards, and standards are not objectives.  If we're not specifying what it is we want our students to learn, we're wasting everyone's time with random stuff that has no purpose (like the science fair.)

There was some other interesting/vaguely disturbing news about new textbooks next year, which I'm still processing, but mostly I'm just trying to put it all out of mind since I can't do anything about it.  I'm burnt out and already feeling negative, and the tail end of this illness is hanging on and making me crazy.  I wasted enough time on it, and I feel I should've known better than to try.

Way too much work to do, no motivation to do it.  Not a good combination.

tall poppy

Tomorrow is my meeting with the district science people, with 20 minutes set aside for my proposal.  I have literally no idea how it will go.  The email with the agenda implied we could actually make a decision, and that surprised me.  Perhaps it's true.

I don't want to be perceived as an agitator, but there's a pretty good chance that's where I'm headed.  I'm distressed because two teachers that I had expected to be allies have decided not to come back next year, and so I am feeling very much alone.  No one has given me any feedback on my proposal at all so far, even though they've had it for almost two weeks.  I just hope they've read it.

Meanwhile, I did nothing but sleep after school all last week and Saturday.  My fever finally broke Thursday night but I still have residual crud.  I'm trying to wean myself off all the medication but then I end up swimming in post-nasal drip and dealing with an annoying little tickle in my throat all day long -- guess I'll go back on the meds at least for the meeting tomorrow.

Of course I still have all that work to do: grading, writing, my Reading to Learn in Science course, and very little energy after school to do any of it.  Being sick is the worst!

Amazing to think that a week from Friday I'm flying out. Time to clear the deck of all those tasks!

sick

Monday after school a fever and related crud settled on me, and I haven't been able to shake it yet.  I'm on a steady diet of mucinex+cough suppressant and ibuprofen that are keeping me relatively comfortable, but my voice is horrible and I feel horrid.  The flu is sweeping through Arizona at an alarming rate, it's remarkable how many students we have absent.

Of course I've gone to work every day in spite of being sick because writing sub plans is miserable and getting substitute teachers is difficult.  Plus both classes had labs scheduled which they can't do with a sub, so, there's me at school, even though I'm sick.  Hoping that resting up this weekend will help me kick this thing.  Sleeping four hours after school every day doesn't seem to be doing the trick quite yet.

springtime everywhere but in my heart...

I wonder when I am going to feel like I can relax, like everything and everyone is OK.  I feel as if I have not been in that state for so long I can't remember what it's like.

It is absolutely gorgeous here, in the mid-80s every afternoon.  Technically it's too warm for this time of year, but I'll take it.  Especially after last weekend's trip to Savannah for my niece's wedding.  My brother-in-law and his wife rented a gorgeous mansion and we all stayed there, and Savannah is a lovely little city.  But it was unseasonably cold there, with the high temperatures in the 40s.  I had looked at the forecast and knew it was going to be colder, but somehow I didn't think it was going to be that cold.  I'm sure the humidity there made it feel worse to me than it was, but I don't think I felt warm the whole time I was away, unless I was snuggled under the covers of the enormous four-poster bed in our room. (There was a little 2-step stair to help get into and out of the bed!)

The wedding was small, simple, and beautiful, and we had a wonderful time.  It was great being with all of DH's family, too -- we so seldom get to see them, and this is probably only the second or third time we've ever all gotten together. It's always a little sad when we leave family, because I like being with them so much, and then we come home to AZ where we don't have any relatives even in the same time zone.  I know, I know -- it was our choice to come here, and I wouldn't move unless I absolutely had to -- but sometimes I wish at least some family would join us out here!

Our travel both to and from Savannah was delayed by mechanical issues and weather, so we got home very late on Monday (the holiday), and then stayed up later to watch the Gravity Falls series finale that DD and I had awaited for months now.  We told ourselves we were too wound up to sleep, and that was probably true, but in retrospect I wish I had tried.

I stayed up even later, really, working on my curriculum proposal for my district meeting on March 1.  Then I stayed up late again working on my grading, and a lesson plan for my formal observation.  I am not happy with my principal's evaluation of me, and I'm trying to shrug it off, but part of being exhausted and strung out all the time means I have no emotional resilience.  Everything feels like a kick in the head and I can't just shake it off.

On top of all this -- more likely, because of all this -- I'm in a flare and feel like I've been hit by a truck.  Or I could, like apparently half of my school, be coming down with the flu, but so far so good, I don't have any other symptoms.  My hands are the worst, which makes me think it's a flare.  If I'd been eating wheat I'd have that to blame, but I haven't been (until today, when I had both a slice of fruit cake and a half a small spicy Italian panini -- both totally worth the consequences.)  Along with all that, I'm taking my NSAIDs so (if history is any guide) I shouldn't get any worse.

I'm booked for my trip back east in March to help inventory Mom's home.  We still have to book our summer flights.  I have a ton of grading to do, and I'm supposed to write my intro and revise my lit review this week.  I'd also like to do the next unit of my Reading to Learn in Science MOOC I'm taking through Stanford, and I have to coordinate with the other grade level teachers to arrange their visits to my classroom.  Thankfully there's literally nothing weird scheduled this week so there's actually a chance I could get this all done!

This weekend is DS2's belated birthday celebration.  He turned 15 in Savannah. We''re having his friends sleep over tonight so we can head out bright and early for the Renaissance Festival tomorrow. DH is on the fence about this; DS2 received two deficiency notices (humane letters and French, arguably the 2 subjects he finds easiest), and is now in mandatory tutoring/study hall every day after lunch as a result.  He seems, ever so slowly, to be finally getting the idea of what he should be doing.

DD had appointments with her college counselor and the doctor yesterday.  She's feeling a lot better already but we want to make sure she continues that upward trend.   One of my sisters said, with teens, there's three things that can happen: one, they can become arrogant and narcissistic; two, their self-esteem can crater for no discernible reason, or three, they can fall into the "it's not going to happen to me" category and take unnecessary risks as a result.  I suppose it's possible that all three could happen at the same time, because sometimes arrogance masks low self-esteem.  I am not a big proponent of the fake self-esteem thing where "everyone wins!"  I hate that.  But I also hate that my beautiful, talented, smart, funny daughter has apparently no idea how wonderful she is.  So we're working on that, and I'm happy that she's at last being honest with us.

too soon to be hopeful

Today was only mildly wretched.  I am emotionally and physically exhausted, but:

- I made the spectrascopes for my 7th graders and they came out awesome.

- I had an excellent conversation with DS2 about his most recent reading assignment.  This will be a daily occurrence from now on.

- I heard back from DS2's teacher regarding his grade and it seems that there is a bit of upside potential there if he can demonstrate he actually did the work he has been docked for not doing.  He's bringing in a printout of his paper with the revision history that shows he actually did start with a rough draft and edit it.  Here's hoping he recovers those lost points.

- DS2 had a spectacular piano lesson.  He has finally started practicing the way his teacher asks him, and he's finally doing all the things she asks him to do, like using the metronome. She is thrilled with how well he's doing, as am I -- perhaps this newfound respect for a teacher's directions will filter over to his school-life?

- Another great conversation with DD wherein she finally, finally talked about the confused jumble of thoughts her brain becomes when she "fails," by which she means gets less than A.  Knowing there's a problem is the first step in treating it, right?

Data analysis proceeds apace -- I entered 111 student surveys into SurveyMonkey, but you only get 100 for free.  Guess I'll pony up the $26 for a month's access.

Not an easy day at all, today, but overall a good one.

back to the crunch...

My students may be done with the science fair, but I'm not.

I want to present the unit at my district meeting and recommend we roll it out district-wide, integrated into the seventh grade curriculum.  The only problem with that is, my district meeting is set for March 1.  So in order for this to be given any kind of consideration, I need to write it up at least somewhat coherently this week and get it out to all the interested parties.

Sheesh.  Just when I thought I could relax.

I need some data to back up my recommendations, and I have grades from last year and this, so that's one perspective.  But I wanted feedback from students and parents, too, so I put together two surveys last night, one for the parents online, and one for the students, on paper.  I administered the paper surveys today and will spend time tomorrow tallying them.  Fortunately SurveyMonkey has great analysis tools for the online survey, if only the parents would click through and respond!

On top of that, we're heading to Savannah this weekend for our niece's wedding, so I'll be missing school Friday.  That means sub plans, which always have to be excruciatingly detailed -- finished those tonight.  I also meant to make spectroscopes for my 7th graders out of the refraction grating I bought, but I didn't get to that.

It was just one of those days.  DD has really been struggling with optimization in calculus for the last week or so and today she just had a complete meltdown.  She called me at work (nothing quite grips the heart as seeing your child's school pop up in the caller ID on your own classroom phone -- Everyone knows they shouldn't be calling me here, during school hours...) and I told her of course she could go home.  She slept, and spent an hour on the phone with her brother, and feels better.  I hope.

So that was worrying, and something that hadn't happened before, so we'll have to keep an eye on her.  She puts so much pressure on herself to get all As.  It makes no sense.

What really derailed tonight was getting yet another round of deficiency notices for DS2.  Hey, we're not going to give back any assignments or give you any feedback at all until we tell you you're in danger of failing!  That's a seriously wrong model of education, and it's the one thing I would change about my kids' school if I could.

I spent about 45 minutes composing an email to his humane letters teacher basically telling him I don't buy it.  Don't tell me my kids is failing because he missed 2 reading checks, which are only supposed to be part of the participation grade!  We'll see what happens there, but here, it was horrible, because I completely lost any hope of the kid developing any sense of self-control while he has electronics in his possession, so I took them all away, even his phone.

He says he wants to stay at his school.  He says he'll do all the work now, since he doesn't have anything else to do, except piano and reading.  We'll see.  My heart is broken again for the millionth time over this.  I wish I could be hopeful, but I'm not.

It's just too bad that this is coming before our long weekend away, too.  It'll be casting its shadow over everything for quite a while.   Adding the last straw to my already overburdened psyche?  DD and I watched this week's episode of the X-Files, and let's just say Scully's situation hit way too close to home for me.

Now it's very late, again, and it's Ash Wednesday.  Can I give up being upset for Lent?

a night off...

Finally!

I spent the day trying not to be nervous and failing.  The doctor was in surgery this morning when I called, so I just left a message to call after 3:30.  I kept my phone glued to my side but 4,5, and 6 o'clock came and went with no call, so I figured I'd talk to him tomorrow.

He called at 6:45PM.

There was some confusion because the imaging people inexplicably sent over the results of the biopsy they did four years ago, but the real news is that the lymph node mapping came back fine.

Now I can cancel my ultrasound in March and make plans to go out to Massachusetts instead!

I can't shake the feeling that there's something going on in there that will catch up to me eventually, but I'm used to that one.   I decided some time ago that I can't put anything on hold because of all the what if scenarios I imagine based on my wretched history.  If it happens, I'll deal with it then.  For now, I'm good.

I'm not doing any school work of any kind tonight. I also plan to sleeeeeeep.

(In spite of my nerves and exhaustion, the dry ice observations with the 8th graders went very well.  The only bummer was having to go to 3 different stores to find one with the dry ice in stock.  Next time I'll call first.)

moving along

Science fair was yesterday.  I had a lot of help and things went very smoothly, for once.  No drama!  I like that.

Not so nice, today, my ENT called me to give me the results of the ultrasound I had on January 6 (!).  The doctor himself called, and left a message for me to call back.  Of course when I called back 5 minutes later the office was closed, so now I have to wait until my prep hour to call in the morning and hope I can get some kind of news.  I am a bit freaked out.  If it were nothing, wouldn't that call be delegated to his nurse?

Tomorrow's dry ice day with the 8th graders and it's way too late.  But I designed a new worksheet for them, and I finished the first lesson of the MOOC I'm taking at Stanford on Reading to Learn in Science.  I just wished that deadline hadn't been quite so close to the actual science fair.

I've been catching naps on and off since getting home this afternoon, so I'm not as dead as I could be (should be).  Let's hope I've managed to accumulate enough rest minutes that tomorrow isn't dreadful.