Thursday, February 02, 2006

Everything you wanted to know about Jack Bauer...

... that any woman could tell you:

* It doesn't matter that Jack Bauer is short. Jack Bauer doesn't give a damn if his woman is taller than he is. His ego can take it.

* Jack Bauer knows that real men accept their receding hairlines and consequently keep their hair short. (Notwithstanding the greasy mullet in the Season 5 promo that appeared on the Season 4 DVDs -- I've heard about it, but not seen it personally.)

* Once in love with Jack Bauer, always in love with Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer can torture and kill your (nearly ex-)husband, and you'll still love Jack, regardless. Who needed that other guy, anyway?

* Jack Bauer will always give you time when you say, "We have to talk," but how much time is up to Jack Bauer, because:

* When Jack Bauer says "I gotta go," or "There's no time," there really is no time, and therefore you will not be sucked into a death-spiral vortex of useless and depressing conversation, rehashing the relationship.

* Jack Bauer is all about loyalty. Once a friend of Jack, always a friend of Jack, even if you've become an alcoholic and moved in with a skanky girlfriend after compromising national security in a misguided effort to save your wife's life during a combined hostage/biological weapon crisis.

* Jack Bauer is such a powerful influence that not only did he inspire Chloe O'Brien to act like a field agent instead of a geek, he also is the only known person with whom Chloe doesn't even bother to argue, even a little bit.

* Jack Bauer has infinite patience with the muddle-headed youth of today, except when they've been used as pawns so international terrorists could kidnap their highly-placed Administration official parents.

* Jack Bauer can out-MacGyver MacGyver when it comes to torture devices, weapons, surveillance, and apprehension of terrorists. Obviously, Jack Bauer's imagination, genius, and skill apply in other sensitive areas as well.

1 comment:

Sheik Yerbootie said...

Who's Jack Bauer?