I had felt fat — or at least, not thin enough — since my sophomore year in college, and it was nice to finally get compliments for my weight. It was almost as if it were a treat for going through cancer. Yes, Alicia, you have cancer, but you get to be skinny! Yay!It's scary how messed up this thinking is, but it's so familiar to me. I think about how skinny I was last year at this time and it really does freak me out. I tried to put on those jeans a few months ago, and couldn't get them past my thighs, since I finally gained back a few pounds. I remember a time when those jeans were baggy. I'm probably somewhere around 130 to 135 pounds now, and still look a little scrawny. I don't even know what I weighed back then -- 120, 115 pounds?
I know that I look better (and mostly feel better) now, but there's a part of me that still thinks I'd look better if I dropped 5 pounds or so. It's stupid.
Mostly, I try to eat well, take my supplements, and limit sweets -- 2 squares of bittersweet chocolate a day gives me a good dose of anti-oxidants along with a good mood booster, and it isn't going to screw up my blood sugar. On the other hand, those shortbread cookies I ate
It's funny but even before my diagnosis last year I expected something bad, precisely because I was effortlessly skinny. I had maintained, relatively easily, a good weight (like the one I'm at now) for years on my lower-carb diet, but then over a few months, pounds just seemingly evaporated off of me with no effort on my part to make them disappear. That's not normal, and I knew it.
And like Alicia, I liked it, and some stupid part of my brain would like to get me back to that skinny/ideal weight. Fortunately, I don't see it happening because I'm just not that disciplined or into depriving myself that much. Besides, I get really cranky when I haven't eaten, and that impairs my ability to be around my kids and retain what little shreds of sanity I have remaining. So I'm not worried I'll end up back in sizes fit only for skeletons. But it does annoy me that I can't get through to the part of my brain that still thinks such a thing would be just great.