attenuated

 I am stretched so very thin right now.  

I had this conversation with my partner teacher today.  We are both in the same place, where every night we are frantically preparing for the next day.  I haven't entered any but a few grades in the online grade book for going on three weeks now, but I'm so exhausted by the prospect that I'm writing this instead.

This week in particular feels like the difficulty setting has ticked up a few notches, but most of that is on me, because I'm choosing family over work more than usual this week.

There was a confluence of events: DD hit the wall up in Flagstaff, where her senior year of online classes and isolation, combined with being down with the flu for a week -- in spite of all the precautions! -- put her behind in most of her classes and feeling overwhelmed.  She needed a change of scenery at the very least.  Also, DS1's departure date has been finalized, and by this time next week he'll be at Ft. Leonard Wood in Missouri.   We talked Saturday evening and I decided to drive up and get her on Sunday so she could see her brother for a bit before he heads out on his great adventure. 

The thing is: Friday my students turned in their research papers, and I graded all of them before going to bed late Friday.  Saturday was a blur of curriculum development for religion and 8th grade, which left me on the hook for just 7th grade after getting back from Flagstaff (at least a 6 hour round trip.)  It's usually not too bad, I port my power points into Google Slides, make a few quick forms, no big deal.  This week? Nope -- a chapter review and an assessment, neither of which I could find from last year.  Making this stuff from scratch is so tedious! Eh, I finished what I needed last night, but now I've been up past midnight, sometimes well past midnight, four or five nights in a row and I feel like death.

Oh yeah.  I was supposed to have my observation today, so of course that involved extra planning and making sure I had something at least somewhat following the usual lesson outline.  My admin never showed up, so I suppose I'll have to reschedule.  I can not express how little I care about this right now.  I'm just too tired to waste any energy on it. 

We had a couple of lovely family dinners before DD headed back up to Flagstaff, driving herself up in that fourth car we no longer need.  This gives her the flexibility to come down for Thanksgiving on her own timing, not having to rely on anyone else.  She'd like to trade it in for a pickup truck, so that will be her project once her semester is over.  

The house is already too big but it's going to seem even more so after DS2 heads out. I told him I don't know what I'll do when he's gone, because sometimes he's the only person in the entire family that understands me.  My conscience brain is happy and excited for him to be moving on with his life, especially in such a productive way.  My heart, though, feels like it's being squished.  I don't want to make time stand still -- especially not now -- it's just my old struggle against change.   I know it's futile and I don't talk about it, because there's nothing to say.  I just know that once he goes, he's never coming back, at least not as he is now. Growth is a good thing, a wonderful thing.  I wish I could be there to see it all.