what to do when you can't do anything

* Sit on the couch with foot elevated.  Ice different parts of the foot/leg many times a day.  (Did you know you're not supposed to ice the injured area directly?  I was told to ice the top of the foot, and behind my knee, for the standard 20 minutes per hour, no ice directly touching the skin.)

* Watch all of The Crown.  (loved it).  Read all of Tom and Lorenzo's coverage of The Crown. 

* Watch all of Downton Abbey (loved it, but not as much as The Crown -- too many anachronistically happy endings for the 'liberated' female characters.) Read all of Tom and Lorenzo's coverage of Downton Abbey.

* Read the first four of Brandon Sanderson's six Mistborn books.  (So much fun!)

* Fail to keep hips aligned despite best efforts.  Deal with resulting piriformis syndrome as effectively as possible while not being able to stand for any length of time.

* Deal with at least 90 minutes of not-sleeping every night because of the impossibility of finding a comfortable way to lie down with the foot still elevated.  Grind teeth over the tinnitus that attacks during this, and only this, time: it is impossible to fall asleep when you're listening to your own pulse shush-shush-shushing.  It's just loud.

* Sleep ridiculously late because hey, there's no reason I should get up. Feel exhausted all the time, because doing nothing is exhausting.

* Watch all 6 episodes of Netflix documentary Wild Wild Country because DS1 had just started it when I finally wandered downstairs on his day off.  (Highly recommended; a totally bizarre little chapter in recent American history, and it left me uncomfortable that some First Amendment rights [among others] were trampled. It wasn't that black-and-white, although the successful poisoning of a small town's population prior to important vote was way beyond the pale.)

* Think about taking up knitting again.  Look at approximately 1000 knitting patterns without coming to any kind of decision one way or another.  I think I have some yarn somewhere I should use up...

* Recreational online shopping at all the usual haunts, since literally everyone is having huge summer sales.  Seriously, they're giving stuff away -- if you can't get a least 50% off, you're not even trying.  Look at approximately 2000 pieces of clothing, most hideous, all of it overpriced.   Don't buy anything.

* Eventually supervise offspring in restoring order to the house, laying out the new rugs and replacing furniture, etc. It looks lovely!

* Diet: intermittent fasting + very few carbs + limited alcohol = -12 lbs over the last few months.  Last school year I managed not to gain, unlike the previous four years.  There's something to be said about working for a place where you actually fit in, and where the workload is reasonable.  Truth be told, there's some crazy part of me that would like to take off another 10 pounds, but I'll be happy if I can just stay where I am now.  It's easy not to eat when all you do is sit around.  I don't get hungry, and I've been great with drinking all that water we're all supposed to drink.  I have, once again (or is it still?), the sense of recovering from a long illness. Perhaps this is why I'm not inclined to buy any new clothes, since all the old ones fit better now.

* Reframe:  This isn't wasted time just because I'm not using it the way I originally thought I would.

ow

Morning: I may have broken my right big toe.  It's possible it's just badly bruised, but I won't find out until later when I go to the doctor to get it checked out.

Foot injuries are the worst.

Night: Yeah, its' broken.

 What happened? Basically, late hour + a few glasses of wine + bare feet + moving furniture = bad idea.  But I bet you knew that already.

We're updating the flooring in the remaining downstairs room to match what we put everywhere else last summer, and the guys came to start the installation came today -- so that meant moving all the stuff out of those spaces: guest room, closet, family room.  There's stuff stacked everywhere, and I'd moved just about everything except the last few big pieces from the family room because DD and I wanted to finish watching the Pride and Prejudice mini-series after dinner. 

No big deal, just should've left the wine in the kitchen... anyway, DD and I were moving one of the desks and our communication wasn't the best, she was pushing and I was pulling... it had kind of sunk into the area rug and didn't want to move, until it did, right into my right big toe.  It hurt quite a bit, but I limped around on it and helped finish up with the room. 

So then the pain wakes me up at 5:30, and it's this lovely purple color.   I call the BCBS nurse on call for an opinion, and she says, you don't need the ER, but do see your doctor.  So I got an appointment with my doctor after lunch, and he sends me for an x-ray, "stat" reading ordered.  That was actually pretty cool, because about 20 minutes after I got home they called me to tell me, yes, it's broken, and please stay off it ("Do you have crutches?") and refer me to a podiatrist.

So then the afternoon was calling around to those doctors to see if anyone could work me in, but of course not, because it's FRIDAY and they all close early.  Specialists! I decided not to go to urgent care mostly because I'm too cheap (the copay is like $250!) and I'll get in to see a doctor on Monday.

I'm not dying, but it isn't any fun, that's for sure.  The real bummer is that I was planning on going to Boston tomorrow to hang out with my sisters and my Massachusetts friends whom I have not seen in like 3 years... canceled.  The thought of being in an airport with this injury is frankly terrifying.  I picked DS1 up at work this evening and just driving there and back -- about 30 minutes total -- wiped me out.  Then again, having been up since 5:30AM probably contributed to the exhaustion.  Driving is... interesting. Possible, and not painful if I pay attention, but I'm also kind of scared of moving my foot the wrong way.  So, kind of like torture.

Other bummer things: I'll be fairly useless in putting the house back together when the floors are done (with any luck they will finish tomorrow).   Grocery shopping? Hmmm not the best idea.   I don't know how long it will take to feel better, but it will probably be at least a few weeks... and I'm hoping I'll be better by the time we head to Connecticut, because it would be a bummer if I can't hike while we are there.  We also wanted to take at least one day trip to Mt. Lemmon this summer, but that's going to have to wait, as well.  I'm hoping I can still tackle my next summer project without too much bother: painting DS2's room. 

I'm not on crutches and won't be if I have anything to say about it.  The vast majority of the foot is fine, so I can walk without hurting the toe.  I just have to be careful about it, so I'm slow, but that's not so bad.  And I need to mostly keep it up, and not stand around or walk too much, but so far that's do-able.   I usually heal really slowly, but thankfully it's summer so I can take it easy, and perhaps that will help with a speedy recovery.

Foot injuries really are the worst.

truly summer

Started Thursday.  No grad school classes, no job search, just... time off.

So of course I'm bouncing around at loose ends, more or less, getting things done that I've been putting off, and enjoying sleeping a little bit later.  Somehow I'm still awake by 7:30 most mornings!  I know that's not early for a lot of people, but when you literally have no reason to get out of bed, it seems kind of silly.

So my job for the summer is feeding my family, and arranging (if not providing) transportation for all the offspring.  DS2 has a senior thesis summer camp the next two weeks, and DS1 is starting his first-ever job.  DD?  She has a job for the summer at one of the big box home improvement stores and is loving every minute.  She likes having something to do, and the income. 

Last week, I fixed the laser printer that we haven't been able to use for months and... not much else.   Well, I had work on Tuesday (I gave a presentation on the new science standards to my colleagues), and Wednesday (fantastic session on Theology of the Body).  So I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself for not accomplishing much. 

But I am dedicated to having very good food at home this summer, because eating out has become so very expensive, and, well, we can almost always do just as well if not better at home.  OK, not for sushi... DD and I went to the farmer's market today and came home with an intoxicating collection of fresh produce for this week's menu. 

I have medical appointments on Monday, but then after that, I'll get started on painting DS2's room (at least the taping).  Plus, scheduling the final flooring installation... those are the 2 big projects for the summer, but who knows what mischief I could get into, if I find myself at loose ends?

I read a book.

Well, a PDF of a book. It's not that shocking, really.  I did the same thing a few weeks ago, reading 1984 over a day and a half, because DS2 had recently read it and may be using it in his senior thesis.  That book is even more grim than I remembered, and not exactly a fun read.

Yesterday, I read Treasure Island, somewhat unbelievably, given my wide reading habits, for the first time.  This was occasioned by our 8th grade being on a multi-day trip to Washington D.C., their teachers being gone with them -- and me teaching language arts to the 7th graders while they're gone.  They're just finishing up TI, so I thought I should read it so I could, you know, actually answer some of their questions.

Anyway: I loved it, as unlikely as it was.  It's the kind of story you just go with, because it all happens at such a breathless pace in gorgeous old-fashioned prose.   Perhaps the thing I loved the best is the clear lineage from TI to Pirates of the Caribbean.  I maintain that the PotC The Curse of the Black Pearl is one of the most perfect adventure movies ever made, and I still enjoy it when I catch it from time to time.

By way of giving the substitute language arts teacher a break, the students have been watching the old Disney movie version of TI and I am 100% sure that Geoffrey Rush, who played Capt. Barbossa in PotC, based his performance on Robert Newton's Long John Silver.  His voice is uncannily similar.  Of course, the whole Capt. Sparrow as "pirate, and a good man" conundrum has its origin in the character of Long John Silver, who is clearly a pirate, but also, when possible, and sometimes even when it's not very convenient -- a good man.

I only saw half the movie, since I'm switching off classes with the other 7th grade homeroom teacher, and so today taught social studies (the Kansas-Nebraska Act!).  I may just borrow the DVD later this week to watch the rest of movie, just to see how they treated the material.  Huge chunks of dialog come straight from the book, the film's Jim Hawkins (Bobby Driscoll) looks entirely too young and soft to pull off even half of Jim's exploits from the novel.  Skimming the plot summary just now, though -- I don't think I'll bother.  Silver making off with the treasure in a skiff?  Bah.

there, and back!

I'm exhausted and sun burnt, but very happy with how things went.

Mt. Lemmon is absolutely gorgeous! In my jeans and hiking boots, with my layered shirts and sweatshirt, traipsing about in Nature at 9000 feet elevation, I was in my happy place. I almost feel as if I've missed my calling...

Not my photo -- I didn't have time to take any of decent quality -- this is just part of the mountain road, near Hoodoo Vista [elevation ~6600 feet], an absolute stunning array of geology in action.  The woods were just as spectacular. (Also not my photo, but we did walk through forest like this at Middle Bear, elevation ~5000(?) feet, and again at the summit, ~9000 feet.)

The students were great, the chaperones super helpful, the staff wonderfully knowledgeable, kind, and enthusiastic.  The bus driver was heroic (would you want to drive a tour bus up there?!).  The only slight disappointment were the cloud cover and extreme winds last night, but we still got a telescope demonstration which was very cool. 

Perhaps the only significant downside to all this is that I didn't sleep well at all, and am thoroughly exhausted now even more than usual.  Post-hike exhaustion is very  similar to the excellently-tired feeling I get after being at the beach all day, maybe that's just the sun burn.  The only real down side now is that I don't want to go back to work tomorrow!

field trip eve...

I woke up at 4:30 this morning, my brain already going 100 miles an hour.  Lots of little things to do to pull this whole thing off. 

40 students, 15 chaperones, 7 inquiry groups, 16 dorm rooms...

I think we're all set, although I do have paperwork still pending for one student that was a late addition (today!).  Amazingly enough, by the end of Wednesday, everyone had paid, and by Friday morning, I had all the paperwork, too.  There was quite a bit of that.

Yesterday was preparing the material the 8th grade needs for Monday and Tuesday.  Today was administering the pre-program survey (put it online, then emailed it to the students), finding and typing up prayers for the trip, sending reminder emails to the chaperones -- only half of them read it -- and then everyone else who is coming, and about then is when I got the "Hey, can we make this work?" message.  So we did, which of course made extra work.

Then to school, to print everything that needed printing, then shopping for water and snacks with a colleague.  Then driving around looking for name tags and a new expandable file, and ended up getting both at Staples.  Then home to wrestle Word into mail-merging the name tags so they'd have the student's group numbers and dorm rooms on them: best way to avoid having to repeat the information ad infinitum (I hope).

Anyway: still have to do my own paperwork (oops), pack, make a lunch for tomorrow, obsess over every detail yet again, and hopefully get some sleep before this thing kicks off. 

No chance of rain in the forecast, but it's supposed to be cloudy.  It would be disappointing to be at an observatory without getting a chance to use the big telescopes! I'm not giving up hope, though.  We'll see!
St. Albert the Great - St. Francis of Assisi - St. Bernard - St. Dominic pray for me!
(patrons saints of science, environmentalists, mountain climbers, astronomers)

Holy Week

Last Friday, the last Friday of Lent, was my first science symposium (our version of a science fair) at my new school.  It was remarkable for many reasons, but mainly for the fact that the students actually enjoyed doing it.  We had some technology issues, sure, but overall, the process worked well.  Since we had the time, all the students presented to the class, and then to the younger students during the day.  In the evening, their parents came.  I had to send them all home at 8 o'clock, but I was home by 8:15.  I think I put away a single folding chair -- parents and students put all the tables away in no time flat.  It seemed a little unreal at the time, because it was a very long day, starting with getting everything set up in the early hours before our regular Friday morning mass, through school hours and then a staff meeting and then grading all the display boards before the parents came in the evening.  Somehow it all worked. 

But now that it's over, I have to switch gears quickly to planning my 7th grade field trip.  We had scheduled a parent meeting for Monday, so another thing I had to do last week was nail down our transportation so we could figure out how much money we needed to collect from the students to cover costs.  I sent all the information over last week, and still hadn't heard back on Monday, so I sent a "hey, we need a quote!" email, and got back, "Oh, we decided not to do it" -- about 3 hours before the meeting!  Scrambling ensued, the other bus company we work with was contacted, and they were great, and we had a very reasonable quote within an hour.  *whew*

That left me enough time to go home, put together some dinner for the boys, and then sit down and put together a power point for the parent meeting.  Back at school, I notice my computer is off (weird!) and turn it on again, when suddenly the lights go out, and the emergency lights come up, and that's how we ran the meeting.  I mean, it was funny, because mine was the only building with no power, but the parents were all in there, and no one wanted to move.  It was probably a net benefit, because we moved things along pretty quickly -- we had 3 different topics to cover and we still wrapped up in just over an hour.  The parents seem happy about the field trip (UA SkySchool) and I have a lot of parent chaperones already signed up.  So, even though we were literally in the dark, the meeting went well.

Tuesday morning: still no power!  I brought my morning classes to the computer lab so they could see the presentation and videos I had planned for them, and by lunch time the power was back on.  The rest of the day went OK until I started cleaning out the refrigerator while I was prepping dinner, when I clogged the garbage disposal.  I've done this a few times in the past and I do know how to run a disposal.  It cleared a couple of hours later, and fortunately we have a double sink, but it was just gross for the entire time I was prepping dinner. 

Wednesday, my long day: no problems, really, until the end of the day, when I found out that a weird thing that happened in the morning was more concerning than I thought. I had stepped out for a few seconds to grab something off the printer next door, and came back to find one of my students standing at the front of the classroom.  I got a laugh in response to my "What are you doing out of your seat?" question, but I shrugged it off since we were heading down to the science lab to see how far we could drop our shell-less eggs before they'd break (not that far, of course!).  It turns out that the student had done a cartwheel - and whacked her leg on a desk or chair on her way back down.  Another teacher noticed the bruise and asked about it, and found out how she got it.   My heart just dropped when I heard what had happened.  I feel very lucky that the student wasn't seriously hurt!  I ended up pulling her out of class and then calling her mother to let her know what happened.  Fortunately her mother was very supportive, and she apologized to me about it very thoroughly, but still, it was very upsetting. 

Home, finally: a huge pile of grading to do, but I'm exhausted.  DS2's piano is going... better (I don't believe I've mentioned here that his original piano teacher fired him, seemingly out of nowhere but actually quite justified, last month) but his lessons with the new teacher are back to a later hour, and we don't get home until 8:30 the earliest. 

So I'm exhausted and writing this instead of grading.  Last week was intense with all the student presentations and the symposium, but I didn't feel stressed.  This week I feel I've lurched from one crisis to another, but nothing's actually been that upsetting.  I thought, this afternoon, I would be totally justified in feeling overwhelmed and crying over all the stuff that's happened this week, except I don't feel overwhelmed.  Maybe I finally am growing up, or maybe all my extra prayers are reprogramming my brain towards peace, because all these problems pop up but then they get resolved, and no one needs to freak out about anything.  There's a lot to be said for learning how to be flexible, and I'm getting a lot of practice at it this year.

Tomorrow we have a half-day, and then, finally, blessedly, no school on Good Friday, and all of next week off for our very delayed spring break!  (Between now and Sunday: house cleaning, picking up the two college students, shopping for Easter dinner, baking [something - lemon squares?], brining the turkey, etc etc)

After break? Only 6 more weeks of school!  It's going to fly. 

seems like old times...

I sent an email to the ACS about all those strange typos in the Middle School Chemistry curriculum, and it turns out that it's pdf-viewer specific.  After a brief email exchange, I decided to try it in the different PDF viewers I had available, and what do I find?  The PDFs look perfect in Google Chrome and Adobe Acrobat, but are full of errors in Microsoft Edge.

Par for the course, unfortunately.  Microsoft apps are such appalling bloat-ware at this point, and their online versions are so ham-strung you can't even make a table of contents!  I don't even want to talk about the fun I had setting up OneNote Class Notebooks for my students over the weekend...

Anyway, it was fun trying to identify exactly where the problem was, and even better being able to pinpoint something.  And the ACS guys were great to work with, too.

here's how long weekends go

Friday, I left school at a decent hour for once.  There was no staff meeting, and I pushed myself to leave because I had to drive up to Tempe to pick up DS1.  Dinner with all my boys was nice, a lovely salmon with tomato and basil off my very own little basil plant (I haven't killed it yet!).  Since it's Lent, DH and I don't do date night on Friday.  After dinner, in  front of the tv... lesson planning, specifically finding videos to support my lessons.  The vastness of the internet becomes apparent during such searches.

Saturday: up early to do errands and pick up our family portrait, finally.  There was some delay getting the frame, but it's gorgeous.  Of course it's not on the wall yet.  We'll see how long that takes! Then... more lesson planning and prep.  They are not the same thing.  It's great finding things for my students to do, but nothing is ever exactly the way I want it to be, so I end up substantially editing or completely retyping things.  The ACS's Middle School Chemistry curriculum is awesome but so full of typos I would never give it to a student.  The errors are all the same, dropped letters.  It's odd, but I can't give 8th graders work that asks them to use fat toothpicks instead of flat ones.  You see the problem. [UPDATE: The dropped-letter problem only occurs in Microsoft Edge; the pdf documents are perfect in Chrome or Acrobat.  Weird but true, and they're looking into it.]  I've already typed up 2, 10-page lab packets and have one to go.  The students love them, and most importantly, are learning with them, but it's really quite time consuming.

Saturday afternoon: vigil Mass, where I am in the regular corps of Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist now.  I'm over my nerves, finally, but I do get twinges every so often of wanting to take a Mass off.  It's a different experience when you're working.  There is no time for contemplation.

Saturday evening: a quick dinner out with DH and DS1, as DS2's friends were coming over to celebrate his birthday and they were eating pizza (of course).  After dinner:  five more hours of lesson prep: typing up the second of those 10-page lab packets, and ordering needed supplies for it, among other things. It's like I sit down, and then I look up and it's 12:30 AM and no wonder my eyes feel like sandpaper.

Sunday:  DS2 impressed me greatly by making his friends French toast (his special recipe with pumpkin pie spice and vanilla extract) and bacon for breakfast.  I juiced the last of the oranges and everyone was happy.   Then I puttered around and cleaned up the kitchen, then made breakfast for DH and I. Since then, it's been puttering either around the house or online.  I haven't done a single productive thing today for school!  I have been doing a lot of recreational online shopping, though, since at this time of year, most everyone steeply discounts their already marked-down merchandise.  "An extra 60% off sale prices" is very tempting, but I mostly limited myself to things I needed.  It's true I don't need those earrings I paid $6 for, and the kimono-style blouse was  real splurge at $18, but still, $11 for a really nice sweater feels like an accomplishment.

The plan is to do some grading after dinner.  Tomorrow I'm having an eye exam early, so I won't be able to do any reading or anything until the dilating solution wears off.  By the end of the day I'll be feeling that beginning-of-the-work-week pressure, and getting annoyed with myself that  I didn't buckle down and work Sunday so that Monday could just be a nice day.

I'm feeling defensive over my day off, and then feeling silly for feeling that way.  No one else is saying I should've worked today.  This is the kind of nonsense that goes on in my head on a regular basis.

It's been a nice day.

a moment

About 4:30 this afternoon, I was setting up the science lab for tomorrow's adventure in chemistry, because we have Mass in the morning and therefore I don't have the prep hour I do all the other days.

We've been in the lab every day this week, using a modified version of this awesome Middle School Chemistry curriculum from the American Chemical Society.  This is the most hands-on chemistry I've ever been able to teach.  I have the space, I have the resources, I have the time, and I have the complete support of my administration.

So yeah, I was on campus pretty late, but it was with a smile on my face. 

I love my job.

recovering

My winter break didn't start until mid-day on December 21, but it wonderfully continues through this whole week.  I've spent the better part of this 2-plus weeks feeling like I'm finally getting over a long, stubborn illness.  Part of that is because I did finally kick the cold symptoms that had been hanging on since Thanksgiving.  An even bigger part, though, is feeling as if the veil of depression that settled over me at the end of May has begun to lift.

I've been struggling this year, much more than I should be.  I'm not in grad school anymore.  I'm only teaching three subjects.  I have right around 100 students.  I've got way better technology to help manage student science project work.  But I still have felt nearly continuous anxiety, and often struggled to get lessons planned and materials prepped without feeling like I was doing everything at the last minute.

I struggled to make sense of it, because I objectively had much less work than I've had for the past 4 years.  I don't have to upload ridiculously detailed lesson plans, two weeks in advance, by 8AM every Monday, for example.  Nor am I leading and documenting weekly PLC meetings.  Nor am I participating in three child study teams... but still.  I am doing many lessons "from scratch", even though the curriculum is by the same publisher as at my last school, and so big chunks are substantially the same... but the standards are not, which makes me a first-year teacher again, in some respects.  Integrating engineering, modeling, scientific argumentation... awesome, but time consuming, since my curriculum is not aligned with the NGSS.

I'm tired of being new and having to create everything from the ground up.  Now, at the halfway point, I have a ridiculously long To-Do list, and I'm only about halfway through it.  Last year I was too exhausted to do much of anything over the break, but I have more discipline this year and will knock off the rest of the list over the next four days. (And then it's back to work.)

Throughout this year I have been aiming for a better work/life balance, and to that end, I've put more  energy into meal planning and prep than I did last year... but last year, DD was home and a big help on that front.  But there's only so much I can do in a day, and over the past 5 months there have been a lot of days where, after dinner, I just didn't work because I couldn't push myself to.

That's the big difference between this year and last: needing to push myself to get anything done. I'm relieved the low-key anxiety underlying everything seems to have dissipated. Perhaps now all the little (and not-so-little) teacher tasks I have to do won't seem like such a burden. 

a merry little Christmas

You know your kids are grown when they sleep until 9:30 Christmas morning.  As it was, DS2 was knocking on the other two doors, announcing, "Christmas!"  He wanted to open presents.

You also know your kids are grown when opening presents takes approximately 10 minutes, and within another 10 minutes, everything is put away.  It helps that we have sworn off the entire idea of "stocking stuffers" and only get the kids stuff they actually want/can use.  Plus, they are old enough now that aunts and uncles have finally quit sending stuff for them... with one exception -- my older sister, who, as DH says, "... is loaded, she has nothing else to spend her money on."  True. But everyone else has stepped back, and that's good.

Me, too: this is the first year I haven't sent gift cards ($$$) to my multitudinous nieces and nephews.  One of my brothers told me to stop, literally.  I respect that, and appreciate it, because although I love my job, I've taken a bit of a pay cut (but I am paying into a pension fund, so it works out.)  Still, the cash on hand is not so much in evidence this year.  At least I'm not paying for grad school -- that helps.

The rib roast is resting on the counter, and I have to go defrost the shrimp.  Last year's lobster tail was inexplicably bitter, and I'd rather not go through that hassle just to be disappointed again.  Dinner preparations will begin eventually.

There's a pitcher of mimosas in the fridge, Christmas music on Pandora, and fresh balsam candles making the house smell like a Christmas tree.  I'd love to bake something but my students completely overwhelmed me with their gifts of delicious things, so it would be silly to add more.  It's very quiet here, with everyone off in their own corner doing whatever -- the way it usually is. 

Still, everyone is home, and happy. And so is my heart, this Christmas.

"Maybe we should just move?"

-semi-serious question asked by DH yesterday, contemplating the state of the plumbing.  It's an impending doom situation here.  We know it will fail again, we just don't know where or when.  *sigh*

And then I opened the microwave to take out my cup of tea, and the front panel fell off sending sparks everywhere.   Yep, we have been in this house for 19 years.  If moving weren't so expensive, we probably would do it... but for now, we're staying put, and getting a new microwave.

Contractors are coming Friday to give us an estimate on fixing the hole in the wall.  That is totally the kind of thing we would have done ourselves in the past, but the insurance is covering it, so we'll leave it to the professionals.  Getting the plaster texture right is tougher than it looks.

Also in the "don't do this again" bin

Non-emergency plumbing repairs the day before Thanksgiving.  My nerves are extremely jangly after trying to disable the smoke detectors going off from all the soldering happening to repair and replace this manifold:

Pipes aren't supposed to be green.

The moisture/mold abatement team will be arriving shortly.  I expect we'll be dealing with fans/blowers and dehumidifiers for several days at least, but we should be able to deal with that. 

don't do this again...

Reminder to me: do not have a Thyrogen trial over Thanksgiving, even if you're not on the low iodine diet. 

I forget how many symptoms of hypothyroidism I get after the injections, namely:  muscle and joint pain, dry skin, feeling cold all the time, brain fog, deep and abiding fatigue (that one could just be because I don't get enough sleep), gastroparesis, sinus congestion, headache, ...

Yes, I'm blaming it all on the Thyrogen, which should clear my system over the next week or so, and then I'll be fine.  But having to deal with all these physical irritations when I want to be working in the kitchen is a drag.

I had my second blood test this morning, so technically, that's that.  The tech drew from the back of my right hand, and this afternoon it started itching something fierce, probably from the tape she used to secure the gauze over the injection site.  Fortunately that all settled down, because I can't deal with another something blowing up right now, even if it is minor.  Too much to do.

I want to peel the apples for the pies, but I have to enter grades, first.  And then go to bed at a decent hour and see if it helps!

it's always the same

Or often, anyway.  Maybe not always.

I began this day exhausted because I slept from 9pm til midnight on the couch, and woke unfortunately refreshed and not feeling the immediate need for sleep.  Bed, finally, at 2, then up at 6.  The math is not in my favor.

At this point I'm keeping up with my lesson prep (everything's new in every class!  unfortunate synchronization!) but have not kept up with grading.  It could be worse, but I can blame my lost prep hour this morning for some of it.  A tiny fraction, but still, some.

Now again, I'll be up in 4 hours, without the benefit of the 3-hour-nap, because understanding how electromagnetic motors and generators work took me down several internet rabbit holes and came uncomfortably close to reminding me of freshman year physics at MIT, which I have repressed all these years.  I'm such a poser.  But, I can at least explain the basic principles to my students, which is all they need at this point.

Then there was the cooking for the staff potluck tomorrow...

The whole reason I'm still up and still floundering around is because I'm having my Thyrogen trial starting tomorrow and once again, for the eleventy-millionth time, I just DON'T WANT TO DO IT.  Should've thought about that before I paid the hospital my $700+ patient portion, I suppose.  So, here's tomorrow (more accurately, slightly later today):
Get up at 5:30, drink approximately 60 ounces of water (not kidding)
6:30, leave for the lab
7:15 if I'm lucky, get my blood drawn, but I do have an appointment
7:45 be at school to start the day, having to pee every 15 minutes, thank God for first period prep
9-11 two lectures on electricity & magnetism
11:45-1:45 two lectures on energy transfer in the atmosphere and air currents
1:45-2:30 lecture on the apostles, Mary, & the early Church
2:30 drive to downtown Phoenix
3-ish (Google maps says it should only take 34 minutes at that time of day) register at the hospital
3:30ish get my first Thyrogen injection
3:35ish drive home
5:00 realistic time I will arrive home
5:02 fall asleep on the couch

I will have to drive up again after school on Friday for my second injection, then have to get up early again on Monday for labs again. 

I seriously detest this, so much that I'm wondering, how bad would be it if I just said, "No, thanks, not this year. How about, say, 2020?"  It's not like it's going to kill me, although I never did get clarification on whether or not I had the more aggressive variant (which, justifiably, actually could kill me).  What good are all these fancy genetic tests if I don't get them? hmmm.

Banner MDA finally, finally have an endocrine cancers department.  I'm going to ask my PCP for a referral over there.  I'd like to centralize my care somewhere the staff is kind and the scheduling actually works for me.  If I didn't have to drive all the way downtown, I'd feel a lot less hostile to this process.

What I hate the most: the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop feeling.  It's only a matter of time until there is a recurrence.  Why else would we keep searching so diligently, year after year?

I do this to myself every single time -- I cannot recall an instance of just sailing through this process as if everything were fine -- and every time I get angry with myself for being so dramatic and whiny about it. 

Always the same.  By this time next week it will be all over, and I'll stop freaking out and everything will be fine.   Lord knows I don't want to go into Thanksgiving with this attitude.

and just like that...

It's November -- DD's birthday, in fact, and she's out running around town with her friends.  One-third of the way through the school year, and things are going well. 

I have some kind of psychological hangover from last May's events, because any time something goes even slightly wrong at school, I get very anxious.  I blame myself for not seeing it coming, and I rack my brain trying to find some event or communication that I misinterpreted, but I'm still coming up empty.  So far the feedback I'm getting is positive, so I don't think I'm missing anything... but I'm still worried that I am.

DS2 has a choir concert this afternoon, and this evening DD's friends will be assembling again.  It's fun to have full house again.

rough week

I spent the weekend in escapist pursuits - DH and I went to the movies twice - and struggled to settle into my usual groove of grading, planning, and entering grades.  It's a bit of a grind but usually I can plunk myself down in front of the NFL on Sunday and just power through it.

Just couldn't get there, though.  I feel unsettled and upset even though there is absolutely nothing unusual going on, and I didn't figure it out until today when I stopped to think about it.

Friday will be the second anniversary of Mom's death, and there are things that I'm still not over.  I suppose it will get easier with time, and most of the time I don't get into a funk like this, but I'm still struggling to understand why she had to suffer so much.  I get very angry at all sorts of medical-establishment people for what she went through.

Plus, my whole dynamic with my family is still screwed up.  A lot of my communication with my siblings worked around their schedule with Mom.  We could talk on those long drives back and forth from Boston, or while Mom was napping. Now everyone is always busy and the time zone difference just magnifies how disconnected I am from everyone and everything.

We didn't go to Massachusetts this year for a whole bunch of reasons involving time and money, and it seemed OK at the time. Even a couple of weeks ago it didn't cross my mind as a regret.  But this week, it just adds to my sense of disconnect from my family.

On the other hand, I think I'd be feeling even lower if I were still working at the charter school instead of my Catholic school, where everyone has already become my "work family" in two short months.  Even feeling as disturbed as I am right now, I can still count my blessings and appreciate what I have.  Of course being up this late is not helping (naps aren't really a great idea at 11PM...). I need to curb my self-destructive impulses.  I still have to be able to function, and falling apart isn't going to help. If I thought "having a good cry" would make me feel better, I'd do it, but it never works that way for me.

I wonder how long it will take for my brain to stop feeling broken over this.

fly by posting...

Super busy, as usual -- but did finish my curriculum mapping last week, so there's that.

Now, it's just the usual lesson prep, planning, grading, etc.

I'm off to make seating charts, possibly my least favorite teacher-activity.

School is off to a very good start, though.  I'm actually using all the stuff I learned for my master's degree!  Amazing.  I'm trying not to let myself get too happy... it's still early in the year, I know.  But so far so good.

My girl's gone

DH and I took DD to her college today, about 3 hours north of home.  The day was long anticipated.  The girl and I talked and planned and shopped and packed all summer, it seems.  We packed up the van last night and got up early this morning to avoid the traffic, and we set off.

The trip was uneventful.  The weather was gorgeous up there today, beautiful clear blue skies, light breeze, warm but not hot.

There was a bit of a fuss in figuring out where to park to reach her dorm, since it's in the middle of a large area near the quad, and has no actual roads going by it.  Later there was more bother trying to figure out how she's going to get to her new job from her dorm, because the way you would drive there (which we were doing) is not the same as how you would walk there, which is what she will do.

We unpacked everything, set up much, did a brief shopping run at Target, got some lunch... somehow we stretched it out to nearly 4PM (we'd arrived on campus just after 10AM), surely we didn't have to take so much time!  None of us minded, I think, because we knew when we drove away that it would be the longest time ever we would be apart.

I held her close when it was finally time to go, "Stay safe!"  She's tall, as tall as I am, but she's so slightly built.  I worry, especially since the campus is pretty empty right now: official move in dates don't start for a few days.  Her job wanted her up there a few days early for training, and we were quite happy to take her up on the weekend, so we wouldn't have to take time off from work...

I didn't really cry, but I am feeling that ache, nostalgia.  Time goes by so fast!  It seems we get so little time with our children, especially as they get older, and quoting Henry Jones, Sr: just when they're getting interesting.  I'm so happy for DD and excited for her to start this part of her life, especially in a place she loves so much.  But I'm feeling a bit mournful for the changes I'm facing, the things we used to do together that I'll be doing on my own now.  Of course I can plan the meals and do the grocery shopping, but DD's delight in these tasks was contagious.  She was thoughtful and often inspired, and the entire family benefited from it.

Of course we have been texting already, as there are a few things she left behind I will be mailing to her.  I know we'll keep in touch, and she'll be home for Thanksgiving (most likely not before.)  The time will go by quickly, as I have much to do, and in all honesty, it will be better for me to have fewer distractions around the house.  (Especially distractions that I know are leaving soon!)

Change is always hard, even when they are good.  DS2 is now our only-child-at-home, as DS1 headed back to campus last week, too.  I'm used to that, and he's less than thirty minutes away.   The house feels empty, and I'm thinking about how to cook and shop for only three people, only one of whom (me!) brings lunch from home to work.  It's going to take a little while for this new version of home life to feel normal, and for the nostalgia to fade back to its usually tolerable level.