weirdness, continued

This is without a doubt the oddest spring break ever. 

The coronavirus lockdown is a big part of that, but on top of that, I'm furloughed this week so I'm not supposed to work.

I typically spend some part of spring break planning the rest of the year and getting caught up on grading and anything else that needed catching up, but I'm not supposed to work.

I looked it up, "not supposed to work."  Admin sent an email with details that actually included the sentence, "You are not allowed to work."  Legally, if you're furloughed and you do work, then your employer is obligated to pay you, which moots the whole point of the furlough in the first place.  (Fortunately, the drop in income won't affect us much, especially since all three of the men are still working, and in fact DS1 got a pay bump recently.)

 Consequently, I haven't worked since last Friday, although there is a rising sense of panic when I think about getting back to work on Monday.

I would like to say I've been super-productive with non-school related things, but that's simply not true.  Easter was a massive undertaking and was delightful in spite of a series of minor disasters.  After Easter, I've just been continuously exhausted mentally and physically.   I did manage to sew face masks for the family, and for DD and her room-mates, and since the sewing machine is out, I have a stack of repairs and alterations waiting for me, too.  I may get to that.  But I haven't knit, and I haven't read a book, either, even though I have a series that DS2 has been asking me to start.  I don't have the mental energy to devote to a huge book series right now.

Worse, my sleep is quite disturbed, and I rarely go to bed earlier than 2AM.  This is the biggest red flag for me that I'm struggling with depression.  I end up sleeping very late, of course, because I have no particular reason this week to do anything else.  In spite of that, I'm paying strict attention to things I know I have to do or I'll just fall completely into a pit, physically and mentally: grooming, daily exercise, getting dressed (and wearing actual pants every day, not flowy skirts that would fit me even if I gained 20 pounds), praying.  Cooking for the family, and trying to balance shopping with using up what we've got at home.

I have a familiar feeling of dislocation.  This time feels very similar to how I felt after my contract was revoked on the last day of school back in 2017.  Our lives are a construct of expectations, and when you can no longer do what you expected, then your construct is threatened.  In 2017, I was able to mitigate the sense of loss by looking for a new job and applying and all that.   But there isn't anything I can do except wait this "pause" out, the same as everyone else.  I just hope I don't go crazy in the meantime.

Adds: I drove up to Flagstaff to deliver a lot of stuff to DD and her roommates, and it was uplifting in every sense of the word, but I still didn't get to sleep that day until 2:30AM.  Also, I'm tracking some physical changes and wondering if I should make a doctor's appointment, but dragging my feet on that because I don't know if my agitated mental state is making me see and feel things that aren't there.