By this point, we all know that the lockdown, for the vast majority of the country, was never necessary, but no one in a position of power will ever admit that. I just hope we can unwind out of this quickly and get back to some sense of normalcy.
I am, again, up way too late, but I'm not even going to pretend to be sorry. I am never alone these days, and if staying up till 3am gives me a few hours of alone-time, I'll take 'em. Besides, I was super-productive for most of this too-late time. I need to unwind now or I'll just lie in bed, not sleeping.
Sleep has been terrible! My hip is bad lately, and pain makes it hard to sleep. I stretch it out and that helps but still, it hurts. Taking Tylenol is useless, taking ibuprofen helps but screws up my blood sugar, which is edging ever closer to diabetic even though I'm still fairly strict about carbs.
A few days ago, I got to sleep very late, only to be woken by the plaintive cries of a cat before 7AM (when my alarm goes off); I shut off the alarm and fell back to sleep immediately, into a horrible nightmare that shook me awake at 7:30. At least I wasn't late for work.
Besides nightmares, I'm waking up with swollen hands, hence the title of the post. What is going on? I noticed that I complained about my hands hurting a little while ago, but I also seem to recall that happened after a marathon session practicing juggling (still can't do it.) So maybe my hands only really hurt when I'm using them in unaccustomed ways? Yesterday I spent several hours tailoring and mending, which involved some close work with a stitch ripper. It didn't bother my hands at the time at all, and it never occurred to me that it would, or could. But even now, a zillion hours later, they feel stiff and sore. We'll see if they're any better tomorrow.
I wonder if going off T3 (Cytomel) is starting to have an affect. I've been off since mid-January, so it's about three and a half months. I'd think if it were going to have an affect, it would've happened before this, and generally I have an impression that I've felt physically pretty good.
I seem to be undergoing some inflammatory process. It would not be surprise me if it were depression-related, because I've been balanced on the edge of that pit for a while now. I don't allow myself to dwell on it, and I have my defenses lined up, but I'm still running, Alice-like, as fast I can just to stay in the same place.
Monday, April 27, 2020
Monday, April 20, 2020
Not good, me
Well, it's ridiculously late and I have school in the morning.
The only thing saving me at the moment is I actually have all my assignments scheduled to post for tomorrow morning already. Yay, me!
But I finished all that close to 2 hours ago, and I don't know what kept me from going to bed straight away, but I didn't.
OK, I am shoving the cat off my lap and going to bed! Fortunately I don't have to actually speak to anyone until 2pm!
The only thing saving me at the moment is I actually have all my assignments scheduled to post for tomorrow morning already. Yay, me!
But I finished all that close to 2 hours ago, and I don't know what kept me from going to bed straight away, but I didn't.
OK, I am shoving the cat off my lap and going to bed! Fortunately I don't have to actually speak to anyone until 2pm!
Friday, April 17, 2020
weirdness, continued
This is without a doubt the oddest spring break ever.
The coronavirus lockdown is a big part of that, but on top of that, I'm furloughed this week so I'm not supposed to work.
I typically spend some part of spring break planning the rest of the year and getting caught up on grading and anything else that needed catching up, but I'm not supposed to work.
I looked it up, "not supposed to work." Admin sent an email with details that actually included the sentence, "You are not allowed to work." Legally, if you're furloughed and you do work, then your employer is obligated to pay you, which moots the whole point of the furlough in the first place. (Fortunately, the drop in income won't affect us much, especially since all three of the men are still working, and in fact DS1 got a pay bump recently.)
Consequently, I haven't worked since last Friday, although there is a rising sense of panic when I think about getting back to work on Monday.
I would like to say I've been super-productive with non-school related things, but that's simply not true. Easter was a massive undertaking and was delightful in spite of a series of minor disasters. After Easter, I've just been continuously exhausted mentally and physically. I did manage to sew face masks for the family, and for DD and her room-mates, and since the sewing machine is out, I have a stack of repairs and alterations waiting for me, too. I may get to that. But I haven't knit, and I haven't read a book, either, even though I have a series that DS2 has been asking me to start. I don't have the mental energy to devote to a huge book series right now.
Worse, my sleep is quite disturbed, and I rarely go to bed earlier than 2AM. This is the biggest red flag for me that I'm struggling with depression. I end up sleeping very late, of course, because I have no particular reason this week to do anything else. In spite of that, I'm paying strict attention to things I know I have to do or I'll just fall completely into a pit, physically and mentally: grooming, daily exercise, getting dressed (and wearing actual pants every day, not flowy skirts that would fit me even if I gained 20 pounds), praying. Cooking for the family, and trying to balance shopping with using up what we've got at home.
I have a familiar feeling of dislocation. This time feels very similar to how I felt after my contract was revoked on the last day of school back in 2017. Our lives are a construct of expectations, and when you can no longer do what you expected, then your construct is threatened. In 2017, I was able to mitigate the sense of loss by looking for a new job and applying and all that. But there isn't anything I can do except wait this "pause" out, the same as everyone else. I just hope I don't go crazy in the meantime.
Adds: I drove up to Flagstaff to deliver a lot of stuff to DD and her roommates, and it was uplifting in every sense of the word, but I still didn't get to sleep that day until 2:30AM. Also, I'm tracking some physical changes and wondering if I should make a doctor's appointment, but dragging my feet on that because I don't know if my agitated mental state is making me see and feel things that aren't there.
The coronavirus lockdown is a big part of that, but on top of that, I'm furloughed this week so I'm not supposed to work.
I typically spend some part of spring break planning the rest of the year and getting caught up on grading and anything else that needed catching up, but I'm not supposed to work.
I looked it up, "not supposed to work." Admin sent an email with details that actually included the sentence, "You are not allowed to work." Legally, if you're furloughed and you do work, then your employer is obligated to pay you, which moots the whole point of the furlough in the first place. (Fortunately, the drop in income won't affect us much, especially since all three of the men are still working, and in fact DS1 got a pay bump recently.)
Consequently, I haven't worked since last Friday, although there is a rising sense of panic when I think about getting back to work on Monday.
I would like to say I've been super-productive with non-school related things, but that's simply not true. Easter was a massive undertaking and was delightful in spite of a series of minor disasters. After Easter, I've just been continuously exhausted mentally and physically. I did manage to sew face masks for the family, and for DD and her room-mates, and since the sewing machine is out, I have a stack of repairs and alterations waiting for me, too. I may get to that. But I haven't knit, and I haven't read a book, either, even though I have a series that DS2 has been asking me to start. I don't have the mental energy to devote to a huge book series right now.
Worse, my sleep is quite disturbed, and I rarely go to bed earlier than 2AM. This is the biggest red flag for me that I'm struggling with depression. I end up sleeping very late, of course, because I have no particular reason this week to do anything else. In spite of that, I'm paying strict attention to things I know I have to do or I'll just fall completely into a pit, physically and mentally: grooming, daily exercise, getting dressed (and wearing actual pants every day, not flowy skirts that would fit me even if I gained 20 pounds), praying. Cooking for the family, and trying to balance shopping with using up what we've got at home.
I have a familiar feeling of dislocation. This time feels very similar to how I felt after my contract was revoked on the last day of school back in 2017. Our lives are a construct of expectations, and when you can no longer do what you expected, then your construct is threatened. In 2017, I was able to mitigate the sense of loss by looking for a new job and applying and all that. But there isn't anything I can do except wait this "pause" out, the same as everyone else. I just hope I don't go crazy in the meantime.
Adds: I drove up to Flagstaff to deliver a lot of stuff to DD and her roommates, and it was uplifting in every sense of the word, but I still didn't get to sleep that day until 2:30AM. Also, I'm tracking some physical changes and wondering if I should make a doctor's appointment, but dragging my feet on that because I don't know if my agitated mental state is making me see and feel things that aren't there.
Sunday, April 05, 2020
still here... where else would I be?
I've moved past depression, mostly, and I'm edging into anger.
My school has switched to distance learning through the end of the school year, and I learned Friday that we're keeping our school calendar the same. So spring break the week after Easter, thank God, but then straight through to Memorial Day with online learning.
Lord, have mercy on us.
There's a lot of grumbling among the faculty about what we're being asked to do. I am holding myself mostly about the fray. I can't let myself be bogged down by all the negativity. It boils down to one thing, really, which is I love my job and I'd like to still have it in August when the new school year starts.
I don't love how I have to do my job right now. We're being asked to continue to deliver curriculum, keep in contact with our students, and maintain our grade books essentially the same way we were when all actually met at school. There's a lot wrong with that, especially the grading part. It's very difficult to know who's doing the work or when the work will be completed. We can't penalize a student for late work because we don't know their situation, but admin insists that we put in the missing work as zeroes (tagged "missing"), because that's what we would do if were still in school.
There's also the fact that we took a snapshot of our grade books from before distance learning started, and that's more than enough grades to go on for the year. There's a non-zero chance we'll use those grades to determine promotion... which means all the grading I'm doing over these weeks is a complete waste of time.
The grumbling is centered on that point, This is ALL a waste of time! We're going to have to re-teach at the beginning of next year anyway! (We always do.) The public schools are sending home "enrichment packets" for students who need to bring their grades up. They're entirely optional. (Is that true? Really?) Some schools aren't even doing that!
None of that matters, because we're not a public school. We're a private school and we rely on tuition, even for the rest of this year. We're contracted to teach, so we should teach.
This is neither easy nor fun and it would be really nice if there were some consistency, but we go to work with what we have. Working at home has some benefits, like being able to use the bathroom whenever, and having a cat nearby to help me with my lesson planning. I miss my co-workers and my students, but I see and talk to people every day using technology that I didn't even know existed a month ago.
Times of growth and change are hard -- how appropriate that this is happening in the spring -- but the reality is this is easier than my first years of teaching were, and it's easier than that year I taught both math and science. I'm on a similar hamster wheel, though, of pulling together lesson materials every single day. The thing is, I can do it, and it's good to shake things up and make sure everything's current. And it's not all for nothing, since I can (and will) re-use a lot of the material I'm creating now for future classes.
I still fervently want all of this to be over yesterday, but I'm not letting that overwhelm or paralyze me. Onward.
My school has switched to distance learning through the end of the school year, and I learned Friday that we're keeping our school calendar the same. So spring break the week after Easter, thank God, but then straight through to Memorial Day with online learning.
Lord, have mercy on us.
There's a lot of grumbling among the faculty about what we're being asked to do. I am holding myself mostly about the fray. I can't let myself be bogged down by all the negativity. It boils down to one thing, really, which is I love my job and I'd like to still have it in August when the new school year starts.
I don't love how I have to do my job right now. We're being asked to continue to deliver curriculum, keep in contact with our students, and maintain our grade books essentially the same way we were when all actually met at school. There's a lot wrong with that, especially the grading part. It's very difficult to know who's doing the work or when the work will be completed. We can't penalize a student for late work because we don't know their situation, but admin insists that we put in the missing work as zeroes (tagged "missing"), because that's what we would do if were still in school.
There's also the fact that we took a snapshot of our grade books from before distance learning started, and that's more than enough grades to go on for the year. There's a non-zero chance we'll use those grades to determine promotion... which means all the grading I'm doing over these weeks is a complete waste of time.
The grumbling is centered on that point, This is ALL a waste of time! We're going to have to re-teach at the beginning of next year anyway! (We always do.) The public schools are sending home "enrichment packets" for students who need to bring their grades up. They're entirely optional. (Is that true? Really?) Some schools aren't even doing that!
None of that matters, because we're not a public school. We're a private school and we rely on tuition, even for the rest of this year. We're contracted to teach, so we should teach.
This is neither easy nor fun and it would be really nice if there were some consistency, but we go to work with what we have. Working at home has some benefits, like being able to use the bathroom whenever, and having a cat nearby to help me with my lesson planning. I miss my co-workers and my students, but I see and talk to people every day using technology that I didn't even know existed a month ago.
Times of growth and change are hard -- how appropriate that this is happening in the spring -- but the reality is this is easier than my first years of teaching were, and it's easier than that year I taught both math and science. I'm on a similar hamster wheel, though, of pulling together lesson materials every single day. The thing is, I can do it, and it's good to shake things up and make sure everything's current. And it's not all for nothing, since I can (and will) re-use a lot of the material I'm creating now for future classes.
I still fervently want all of this to be over yesterday, but I'm not letting that overwhelm or paralyze me. Onward.
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