breathe through it

Had the ultrasound on Wednesday without major discomfort. To be precise, I had two ultrasounds, the abdominal and the internal -- the first was quick with a few photos, the second interminably long with many, many photos. The tech took a million pictures with the Doppler on.  I am not encouraged.

I think:Please don't let this be cancer. I don't want to have surgery this summer. And I think, Well, even if it is, it must be small -- I just had that PET/CT scan in mid-March and it didn't show anything of significance.  (It did show a small metabolic focus in the left pelvis, chalked up to "physiologic (aka normal) activity in the ovary". Ha!) And then I try and think of other things that could cause this level of of ongoing pain and discomfort and general things-not-working-right , and there's really  not much.  More prolapse?  Fibromyalgia flare?  Seems like I'm reaching.  An ovarian cyst is the best fit, but what kind of cyst?  I just keep hoping it will go away, like all the others have.  Most functional cysts have resolved before they hit the 6 week mark, and this one hasn't.

In the meantime, I've gained about 5 pounds at the worst possible time, but it doesn't matter what I eat or don't eat because 3 solid weeks of very faithful dieting netted me a zero pound weight loss.  Whatever it is that's going on, I'm not going to drop those 5 pounds (now up to 10) that I had wanted to, before summer and bathing suit weather.  Too bad. 

Kids start their last week of school Monday, and Monday is DS2's 5th grade commencement and the graduation recital for all 3 in the evening.  From there, it's all downhill for them.  Me, I have to make it through June 1 to be well and truly done.

I hope for news on Monday -- if I don't hear anything, I'll call on Tuesday.  The waiting really is the hardest part, I turn into a big ball of tension and forget to breathe.  So I try to remember that, and not take my stresses out on everyone around me.  Inhale, exhale... inhale, exhale...