held back

After dinner this evening I went to the parent orientation meeting at our church for DS2's Atrium class. I love the curriculum -- the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd -- and I enjoyed meeting all the staff and assistants that work in this ministry.

Overall the hour or so I spent there was peaceful, but at two sharply distinct moments I was filled with bitterness and despair.

Early in the evening, the head of the program was introducing all of the staff to us and listing off all of their accomplishments -- the degrees they held, the volunteer work they did, the boards they sat on. Hearing the accomplishments of woman after woman, I felt my own inadequacies stabbing me. There I sat, 42 years old, with what to show for it? Yes, I have a college degree, and I worked for 15 years. I have three beautiful children, but in all honesty, I've spent most of my adult life parked on my ass sitting in front of a computer. Was that really the best use of my time? I don't think so.

Later on, the same woman asked if anyone was interesting in becoming a teacher. I have been interesting in taking the formation (classes) for about two years now, but something always interferes. There is a new class this fall but it is Monday and Thursday nights, from 6:15 to 9:15. Of course Mondays DS1 and DD have RE from 5:15 to 6:30, and of course Thursday night is a swim practice night. Then also, there is the specter of my diagnosis/treatment at MD Anderson, which of course includes a trip to Houston -- and who knows how long a recovery.

It made me angry. I want to do this program, I need to do something to move myself forward. All of those accomplished women had pursued degrees or education that was relevant to what they were doing with their lives, and that's something I have never done. I have always, always taken the easy way out in school and in jobs. I have always believed that I'm lazy, because I usually only do what I have to do to get by -- but then again I can look at any number of things I have accomplished, that required real work, only because I wanted to do them.

So I realized I'm not lazy. I have been held back in my earlier life by other's perceptions of me, it's true, but also by my own short-sightedness. I lacked some fundamental confidence to even try many things because they seemed "too hard." I don't often stop to think that many of the things I do effortlessly seem difficult to other people!

Now the only thing that seems too hard is the pain I see my children experiencing as my cancer once again requires my attention. Everything else is cake, really. And since I don't know when (or if, really) I'm going to Houston, I'm going to just keep on as if I'm not, until I have to.

I have many regrets over decisions I've made over the course of my life, but if I give up now, and let this cancer continue to hold me back, then everything else I've done that I'm not so proud of will pale in comparison. Even if I can't accomplish what I attempt, even if I never finish, I have to at least show my own kids that the only thing that will ever hold them back is their own desires.

It is nearly always true that if you want something hard enough, you'll be able to do whatever it takes to achieve it. These years since DS2 was born have been a blur of depression and one physical failing after another. There doesn't seem to be any end in sight for the physical challenges, either, but I can't let that continue to keep me back. When the first problem struck I thought, "OK, let me just regroup and then I'll get on with things," but it has been literally one thing after another and the idea of stopping to regroup and recover before I tackle anything new is, at this point, laughable. I may never recover, and I'll just have to regroup while in motion.